1. You are absolutely special and worthy of love.
(So he needs to keep you feeling insecure – groveling for love and acceptance.)
2. You are more than adequate.
(So he works to keep you doubting all you have to offer.)
3. You are not crazy.
(But he wants you to doubt your instincts and your reality.)
4. You are not stupid.
(But he wants you to feel powerless and dependent upon him.)
5. You are not overly sensitive.
(But he wants you to ignore your pain and pretend you’re fine no matter how he treats you.)
6. You didn’t provoke him.
(But he will work to convince you that his abuse is your fault.)
7. He knows what he is doing.
(His actions are not incidental, but intentional and designed to cause pain.)
8. He has no desire to change.
(He has shown you that the person you thought he was is not who he really is.)
9. You matter.
(But his actions and attitudes tell you that he matters, and you don’t.)
10. You don’t have to live this way.
(But he will do everything he possibly can to keep you caught up in his web of deceit.)
Remember: An abuser will do anything to keep you, but nothing to take care of you.
– Cindy Burrell, Hurtbylove.com, ©2018
(Although people of both genders can be abusive, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male and therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)
Would you be opposed to grant me permission to use some of your work in a book I am writing?
I do not wish to copy verbatim. Basically I read several of your articles and they resonated with what I had written; maybe just reminded me of a situation or two. I will definitely acknowledge your work. The main one I have read for information is about the Family as a Cult. We, my siblings and myself grew up in a cult like family atmosphere. Dad was a minister and treated us as lower than!
Hello, Glenda. I’m glad to hear from you and apologize for the delay in responding. I’m so sorry to read that your father was a minister, yet your family culture was more like a cult. I can’t begin to imagine what you and your siblings have had to process and recover from but trust you have found the truth and peace you deserve. I hope your book is a means of reclaiming some of what was lost and an eye-opener for others who need the same kind of validation and emotional support.
Of course, I’m honored that you found some of my articles helpful. You are welcome to quote from them, and acknowledgement would be much-appreciated.
Feel free to write anytime if I can be of any assistance, and I hope you’ll let me know when your own book is published so I can take a gander and perhaps add it to my book page. 🙂
All the best,
Cindy
“Remember: An abuser will do anything to keep you, but nothing to take care of you.” When I read this my heart dropped. Sometimes I have read his trying to keep me as misguided love. Even though his keeping me was threats. He also asked what he could do to keep me but has never done it. Three different times.
Hello, “Hurting.” I’m so sorry you are going through this. But on the other hand, you are discovering the truth: It’s not your responsibility to try to convince your husband that you are worth loving or explain to him how he should be loving you, when it should flow naturally and generously.
Feel free to write me privately at cindyburrell@hurtbylove.com with any specific questions. I may be able to direct you to some articles that will provide you with some insight. And I also offer personal coaching if you’re ever interested.
Hang in there, and let me know how I can help. Remember that your husband vowed to love you, and it shouldn’t be that hard to demonstrate that love in consistent, practical ways.
Cindy
I needed to read this, thank you so much.
He issues ultimatums, he will leave me unless I become more obedient/don’t get moody/don’t go against anything he says or does. He said he wants a woman to come home to that just does what he says and doesn’t cause him any stress. He always compares me to other women, and says I have an ugly personality. It’s always me, never ever him.
Hello, Yaz. You are not alone, and I’m so sorry that you are living under that kind of ongoing scrutiny and stress. Just know that it’s not your fault or your responsibility. Your husband has placed himself at the center of the relationship – which is not a relationship at all, but a one-sided kind of dictatorship. It’s not love; it’s control.
I hope you will keep reading and learning – and know that you do not have to live that way. Feel free to write me privately at cindyburrell@hurtbylove.com if you have specific questions or you’d like to “converse” further.
Sincerely,
Cindy
You do such great work and bless so many women with your words, Cindy. Faithful servant of God.
The abuser’s words are poison and long after they are gone, be it death or divorce, the victim still must fight against the effects of that injected poison. So destructive.
Hello, Friend. I appreciate that you took the time to write to convey your appreciation and to acknowledge your own understanding of the manipulative, cruel ways of abusers.
Yes, abuse is unbelievably destructive. As people who strive to see the best in others, it’s hard for us comprehend how some people can intentionally be so heartless and self-serving. But once we see the truth and realize it’s not our fault, there is freedom, healing and peace on the other side! I pray you are there. But I hope you will feel free to write if I can answer questions or suggest other articles that might be helpful, depending on where you are in this journey.
Thank you for taking time to write. It means more to me than you know. And I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. It’s been a busy couple of weeks…
Wishing you well,
Cindy