“A man of great anger must pay the penalty.
If you rescue him, you will only have to do again.”  Proverbs 19:19

For some of you reading this, what I need to share may be difficult to receive; nevertheless, I hope you will consider what I have to say, for I have been where you are…

I know you are determined to fix it, to help the man* to whom you are so devoted, to help him work through whatever pain he is carrying, to love him unconditionally in spite of how he treats you.  I know you want to believe that hiding somewhere beneath that prickly exterior is the man who found a way to win your heart however many months or years ago.

I know you want to be strong, to prove to yourself, God, those who know you and the man you live with that no matter how he treats you, you won’t break and you will never give up.  You believe that somehow, someday his heart will soften, life will become sweet and safe, and you will both bask in the kind of deep, transcendent love you imagine.  I know that each morning you awaken with a new hope that maybe today things will be different.  Maybe today he will see you and decide to love you back.  Maybe today you will find the key that will unlock his seemingly lost and hurting heart.

What you do not realize is that your history of forbearance has laid out an easy path of unending acceptance for him no matter what he does or says.  Because you are not saying ‘no’ with your life, he is hearing ‘yes.’  By letting so many hurtful things go, you are telling him that your life together is fine, that you will put up with whatever he dishes out, and his actions are acceptable and even normal.  You are telling him that you will love him and remain with him no matter how he treats you, so he has no motivation to do anything differently.

Oh, he knows when he has really crossed the line.  He knows when to buy you flowers or take you out to a nice dinner to make up for some especially hurtful exchange.  But in his mind, as you accept his token gestures gracefully, once again you are conveying to him that his effort is sufficient to let him off the hook, and both of you can continue on the same way things have always been.

I don’t believe for one minute that you want to play the victim for the rest of your life.  I know you believe you are helping him (and I’m sorry if this is difficult to receive), but  it is likely that you are simply enabling him.  No matter how good your intentions, if you are not doing anything to break the cycle of abuse in your home, then you are really only perpetuating it.

And please consider this:  your children feel the tension, they are watching, and they may well emulate what they witness.  If your husband is unwilling to make the necessary changes to create a safe, loving environment in your  home, then it is up to you to break the cycle of abuse in your home, to demonstrate through your decision-making and lifestyle that a culture of fear and cruelty  will not be tolerated – that men should be respectful caretakers, and women and children should always feel safe and loved.

Yes, I know how hard it is to suddenly find the will to call him on the carpet and say ‘no,’ because it goes against your nature and your history.  It feels strange and cold when you are so used to deferring and giving and forgiving – and then giving some more.  But consider this:  When there are no significant consequences for his behaviors, when you have a history of tolerating his toxic ways, what would possibly motivate him to do anything differently?

Now, if you’re anything like I was, I’m sure you have had many trying confrontations with him.  You have made every effort to parse through the crazy-making, to invoke some logic amid the insanity.  But when all is said and done, he always finds a way to justify his actions, you grow weary of the battle and give up, trusting that tomorrow he might “get it.”

If you are to ever see change, it is likely it will have to begin with you.  And as you change, as you begin to take care of yourself and hold the line and say ‘no,’ he will almost certainly push back.  I can hear him now:  “What’s the matter with you?  You are just overreacting.” 

And even as you begin to stand up for yourself and reclaim control over your life, it may be even more painful if it becomes apparent that he has no intention of changing whatsoever.  Such a discovery can be devastating.  It feels like an indictment, a cold slap in the face.  If it comes to that, then you may feel truly unlovable – you may believe that you’re not worth changing for.  But that’s not it.  As painful as it might be, at that point you will know the truth – that it’s not your fault.  You haven’t failed him; he has failed you.

You will come to understand that fixing or changing him was never your role or responsibility.

The truth may hurt like the dickens, but it will also set you free.  When you finally stop enabling him you will find a new measure of strength to do the right thing – both by him and yourself, to release him to his own ends, and acknowledge that you and your children deserve better.

Enabling your abuser protects him from the natural consequences of his choices while robbing you of the truth of your own value and keeping you bound to a willful, toxic person.

Enabling isn’t noble.  If you really want to do the right thing, take a step back, identify the abuse and your abuser, stop accommodating his insanity, and stand up for all that you know to be right and true.

“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”  John 8:32

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*Although abusers may be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

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