“But I still love him.”
Maybe you have said those words at one time or another. Even in the midst of the craziness, you have chosen to set aside your pain, wipe your tears and fervently proclaim in spite of everything he has said and done, “But I still love him.”
The words seem to stand alone, however “but” is a conjunction that connects and contrasts the first part of a sentence with the second. With this in mind, let’s consider what a complete sentence might sound like.
“He is controlling, mean and unpredictable… but I still love him.”
“He blames me for everything… but I still love him.”
“I feel lost, lonely and confused… but I still love him.”
“But I still love him…” They are words that connect real pain with patient optimism – generous measures of hope, devotion, determination and – let’s be honest – at least a small measure of denial.
If you were to set aside every excuse and rationale and be completely honest, how would you describe the man with whom you are sharing your life? Is he approachable, accepting and affectionate, kind, gracious and generous? Is he intrinsically safe? Or does he tend to be selfish, quick-tempered, controlling, manipulative and demanding?
The next question is: Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you fell in love with – the man you believe he could be?
Every victim whom I have ever asked that question has solemnly confessed that she loves the man she fell in love with, a man who seems to have mysteriously vanished and been replaced by a man she barely recognizes. Some who are willing to concede that he is failing as a husband at the moment prefer to hold to a more generous and optimistic perspective by adding, “But, he can also be charming and funny and affectionate. Sometimes I see that side of him, and that is the man I love.”
I understand completely. It is that occasional sighting of Dr. Jekyll* that convinces you that you can surely find a way to put up with Mr. Hyde until the good man you infrequently catch a glimpse of returns once and for all. Some women have held tightly to that hope for 30 or 40 years or more to finally discover that the man they loved lived only in their imagination. So I simply pray that God will help you discern the kind of man he really is one way or the other.
Dear reader, this is your life and your dilemma, and my desire is to simply to give you permission to be honest with yourself. I know it’s scary, because the truth may not be easy to accept or address.
Nevertheless, I will pose it to you once again: Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you believe he could be, but isn’t?
“[Love] does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth.” I Cor. 13:6
* The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson, (1886)
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Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
This post is so real. I have stayed with my abusive husband for over two decades because I was initially convinced that God wants us together and my children will be damaged goods if there were a divorce and now I am just hoping peace will prevail. I don’t think divorce is an option for me so I have to find ways to stay well in the marriage.
The abuse in my marriage has been opposite to what many women complain of here in that my husband chose to neglect me for more than half of our marriage. He blames me for this and his porn habit. He never sat down and told me what the problem was but when I caught him doing porn and having an affair, he accused me that I was not up to the mark, as in I have put on weight, not so attractive, etc, etc. If he had really loved me he would have tried to resolve these issues but he just let it go, preferring to blame me.
Even worse is the economic abuse I am faced with. He is completely dependent on me as he does not work and yet tries to control the finances where he can. I have recently come into money from my father’s side but I am so angry with him over how he has treated me that I have decided to keep the money for myself and my children. He thinks he is entitled to part of the money by virtue of being married to me. He doesn’t harass me for the money but keeps talking about opening a business and how he would need money for that, etc. This is a grey area area in the Bible and there is nothing which says that a wife or a husband must share finances. I have shared my income and all other assets with my husband up until now but I do not want to hand over my inheritance to him because frankly I think he does not deserve it. I do not trust him.
Hello, Sheila. I’m so sorry to read about what you are going through. You mentioned that divorce is not an option for you. Is that because of financial reasons or others? He fits the abuser profile, which you seem to acknowledge, and I think you are justified and wise to not grant him access to your inheritance.
I trust you know that you are not responsible for his porn habit, as that is absolutely unacceptable nor is his affair, no matter what his excuses may be.
Is there a way you can make a plan to separate or do you feel obligated to remain? You can also privately PM me on FB if you’d like…
Cindy
Hi Cindy Is it too late to comment on this post? My husband regularly steals money from our joint account and puts it away into his bank account. This is my suspicion only as money disappears from my account regularly and there is no other explanation.
I raised this with my pastor and his advice was, since my husband stays at home and looks after the kids, to look at it as an allowance for him (as babysitter will be far more expensive).
I never asked my husband to give up his job and be a stay at home husband after our kids were born. He did this on his own accord. I have encouraged him to get a job but it always ends up in an argument. I ended up supporting him all through our marriage and have resented it. I feel used.
All the Christian websites I read seem to propagate sharing money and even seem to suggest that having separate accounts is a sin. My husband has abusive tendencies and our joint account has proven to be a wrong choice. I am thinking of separating from my husband but I don’t know if I have good grounds for it. My kids love their dad.
Hello, Mary. I’m glad to hear from you and can understand your frustration. There are several issues I see here, but the primary issue is simply one of trust. The second amounts to whether or not he is sharing the load, whether his concern for you relates to what is best for both of you as opposed to him getting what he wants.
Of course, sharing responsibility for the finances should be understood prior to marriage. If you feel like he is taking more money than is reasonable, and you have no idea how it is being spent, that would rationally be cause for concern. Is he unwilling to share where the money is going? Are there legitimate reasons why he doesn’t want to work? The notion that separate bank accounts is a sin is ludicrous. If he cannot be trusted, and you are the breadwinner, you have every right and reason to control where the money goes, and ensure that you are not being essentially robbed. (I hope that doesn’t come across too presumptuous…)
Furthermore, if he is abusive, then you have every right and reason to leave him. Of course your kids love their father, but if the cycle of abuse is going to be broken, and your children are going to have the opportunity to live lives that do not incorporate abuse into their marriages and homes, it will be likely be you who will have to break that cycle.
If you’d like to correspond privately, feel free to go to the “About Cindy” tab on my homepage and find the “Contact Cindy” link in the drop-down box. And just so you know, I also offer personal coaching, if you are interested. There is a tab on the homepage that also explains that option. In many cases my clients have been able to accomplish a great deal in a single session. I think you may genuinely benefit from a conversation, so just keep it in mind. I’ll be out of town for a few days, but should you write, know that I will respond when I return… Search your hear, pray for wisdom, keep reading and researching. You might want to check out my articles “What About the Children” and “Enabling Isn’t Noble” on the website and see where those lead you.
I hope you’ll get back to me. I think we can walk through this…
Blessings,
Cindy