“I am the black sheep in the family.”

How often have you heard those words? Perhaps you have spoken them.  Perhaps you have been saddled with an identity you did not seek, an identity that does not reflect who you really are.

Perhaps you know what it feels like to be the outcast, a misfit, a thorn in the side of those whose norms and expectations strangely – and even irrationally – clash with your own.  It is an extremely painful yet common reality for many.

We all know what it means to be the black sheep, but where did the analogy come from?  From an historical and cultural perspective, black sheep are generally considered less valuable.  White wool is more marketable as it can be died any color, and with regard to Jewish tradition, only the white-fleeced, spotless lambs were raised and sold for God-honoring sacrifices.

The black sheep stood out for all the wrong reasons.  They were essentially unwanted creatures whose perceived abnormalities were to be bred out of the gene pool.  And, although the descriptor most often applies to family relationships, it may also be evident in our workplaces and communities.

Surely there are some who welcome the role as a sort of rebel loner-type, but for most of us the black sheep identity comes with the grief of not only being labeled – but treated – as an oddity unworthy of affirmation or attention, or someone who must set aside their true identity and conform to the culture – no matter how ridiculous or unhealthy it may be – in order to be accepted as a member of the flock.  We black sheep may try to fit in, but we are often reminded through innuendo or sullen looks that we are failing according to some mysterious,  unspoken criteria.

Mixing metaphors, some people appreciate having the black sheep around to serve as the scapegoat, a useful target of criticism and gossip, which takes the pressure off just about everyone else.

I have heard from many whose family cultures are incredibly controlling or toxic; where endeavoring to find a way into the good graces of those who seemingly make the rules is an exercise in perpetual frustration because nothing is ever good enough and expectations are always subject to change.  It could also be that, in order to maintain the family’s “healthy flock” image, the other sheep need to keep the black sheep preoccupied with conforming if only to keep him or her from exposing how unhealthy the flock really is.  Whatever the reason, the truth is that some family relationships will never be what we would hope for.

But it still hurts, sometimes deeply.  Perhaps you find yourself dreading family events, but you attend out of a sense of obligation and then find yourself reeling as you try to cope with the feelings of rejection  or inadequacy in the days that follow.

That’s messed up.

My husband says, “Blood isn’t always family, and family isn’t always blood.”  I love that.  The reality is that if, for whatever reason, your earthly family isn’t family to you, then know that you are free to create a family with those who are safe for you – those who see you, love you, and appreciate you for who you are.  It may not be easy to remove yourself, especially since doing so may cause you to feel all the more isolated and unloved for a time.  Finally taking care of yourself may also signal “dysfunction” to outsiders, which may incite the culture defenders to say and do whatever is necessary to discredit you in order to preserve the family image.  There is no surprise there, but it still stings – another wound added to those already inflicted.

It may be that the day will come when you simply can’t play the toxic flock’s game anymore.  But only you know whether or when the risk of choosing to take care of yourself will be worth the reward – the peace of mind that comes from knowing that you matter enough to say “Enough.”

Just try to remember, dear black sheep, that you are not alone.  No matter how others may see or present you, there are plenty of others just like you dealing with the same kinds of struggles.  Most importantly, you have a Good Shepherd who not only sees your heart and loves you beyond measure, but was misunderstood and cruelly rejected by His own, so He knows how you feel.  Know that you can find an immeasurable depth of peace and strength as you trust and rest in His arms.

“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand.”  John 10:27-28

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

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Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com