In my conversations with abuse victims, as I listen to them while they peel away layer after layer of marital heartbreak, there may come a point when I find myself engaged in an internal wrestling match, when I am thoroughly convinced that I need to use the dreaded “D” word, but I wonder: Is it okay for me to say it?
Will the hurting soul on the other end of the phone freak out if I dare to mention divorce? Will she be able to even consider it? Or will she feel obligated to tune me out based upon a supposition that I must be either ignorant of biblical teachings or shockingly flippant about marriage in general?
Once spoken, the word hangs heavily in the air. For the terrible reality is that most of us have been indoctrinated to believe that the One who created marriage is unmoved by those who suffer in it, that hurting spouses will surely offend the Almighty and may expect to be abandoned by Him should they end their disastrous marriages. Succumbing to divorce may bring with it a presumption of a shallow faith, marital laziness or even blatant disobedience. No one wants that.
So as a sincere act of devotion to God, many flatly refuse to consider divorce as an option – period – committing instead to praying for their wayward spouse, striving to do all the right things, and proving their worth with the hope of earning their abusers’ love. They live with a pained belief that restoration must surely be within reach. Holding on is the only acceptable option when it presumed that God hates divorce.
But didn’t God create marriage to be a sacred bond governed by love, honor, respect and dignity? Yes. Therefore an “abusive marriage” is an oxymoron, a spiritual, logistical contradiction. Justice, righteousness and mercy demand a remedy when God’s wondrous design is cruelly trashed.
“But doesn’t God hate divorce? Isn’t divorce essentially a sin? Didn’t Jesus teach that people who divorce and remarry commit adultery? Isn’t it true that divorce is only allowed for adultery and abandonment?”
The answers are no, no, no and no.
Now before you tear your priestly robes and gnash your teeth at me, read on.
I believed all of those things, too. Then the day came when I finally listened to the Spirit’s clear directive to leave. The Lord personally and powerfully released me from my disastrous, hellish marriage.
How was that possible? Why would He rescue me and my children if I was in the wrong? How was it that I could sense His validation and His hand of protection over us as we walked that dark road toward freedom? How could it be that years later the Lord miraculously brought an amazing, godly man into my life, and He has blessed our marriage and our ministry in countless ways and restored the years the locusts have eaten? (Joel 2)
These questions set me on my journey to discover the truth, to see the heart of God for marriage – and divorce. And He has shown me.
The truth is that there are wicked people in our midst – many posing as believers – who will gladly exploit our faith. Once we succumb to their charms and they put a ring on our finger, they claim a blank check to treat us however they wish based on a twisted belief that there is nothing we can do about it, since divorce is off the table as an option.
But God loves relationship, and marriage should be the safest relationship of all, a bond that exhibits the kind of love and genuine care that should naturally emanate from those who know Him, an earthly reflection of the love relationship between Christ and His bride, the church (Ephesians 5). Conversely, divorce was provided as a defense against wickedness and selfishness in marriage.
One reader wrote to request my list of God’s “acceptable reasons for divorce” according to my understanding. Dear readers, there is none. Divorce was permitted for “cause,” a subjective term based on personal conviction and conscience before God. (Deuteronomy 24) We are accountable only to Him.
But almost every day I read the stories of those held captive to the untruths we have been taught – genuine, devoted believers who fear disappointing God, who pray with tears that their faith will yield the fruit of repentance in their toxic spouses. They hope and trust that perhaps one day their children will have a father who loves and protects them. They do not realize they do not have to stay.
Divorce is a biblical act. Divorce serves as marriage’s guardian while sadly exposing a sad truth – that a relationship that should reflect oneness and godliness has been irretrievably broken by one partner, the other, or both. Thankfully, there is healing on the other side.
I now understand why I was free to divorce my abuser and walk in the conviction of my heart, why I saw the Lord make a way for me and my children, why I felt His comfort and presence through it all. I was not sinning. I was living in the certainty of God’s validation according to His design and His gracious, life-giving truth.
So, dear reader, if you are living in a relationship where heartache, stress, fear, confusion, blame, neglect, lies, manipulation, anger or terror reign, you don’t have a marriage; you have bondage.
Take the time to discover the truth about biblical divorce. Remaining in a relationship contaminated by abuse is neither marriage-honoring nor God-honoring.
There are times when it’s not just okay, but absolutely appropriate to consider divorce. And it doesn’t matter what other people think. What matters is that you do what you are convinced is right before God to protect yourself and your children, that you say ‘no more’ to abuse, and reclaim your life, no matter what others may say or believe of you.
If the Spirit is telling you that it is time to divorce your abusive spouse, then do it. Don’t be afraid to use the “D” word. Divorce may well represent the beginning of a new, healthy, God-honoring chapter in your life, a life free from abuse.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: It is far better to be from a broken home than to live in one.
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” Micah 6:8
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*Although victims may be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of victims are female; therefore, the victim is referenced in the feminine tense. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
You may also want to consider:
“Letter to a Pastor Explaining Biblical Divorce”
“Understanding the Marriage Covenant”
“The Only Divorce in the Bible”
Copyright 2020, All Rights Reserved
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Hi, Cindy!
Right away in the first paragraph I wanted to start highlighting your comments in order to copy/paste them in a reply, but I soon realized I’d have to copy/paste your entire essay!–which is what usually happens.
To other hurting readers who have stopped in: having survived over forty years with a Jekyll/Hyde (verbally abusive alcoholic) myself, I can completely attest to God’s deliverance power.
I, too, was thoroughly brain-washed to believe that, in my case, if I left my ex husband I’d be somehow committing “the unforgiveable sin” and God would “abandon me.” So I felt absolutely “stuck”.
With two children.
And then, on top of all the other challenges, I had to battle resentment and fear–while I was “growing up,” myself (I would never encourage anyone to marry in their teens!)
And, of course (and this was the hard and confusing part) all that was “in between the good times” (which were always, however, strewn with “eggshells” to watch out for…).
As I began to understand that God is in the business of delivering abused spouses from evil–just like He delivers ALL from evil, one way or another–that included me, too, as slowly but surely, my healing, recovery, and eventual deliverance began.
All I can say to others who were brain-washed like me (or mind-controlled, you might even say, and there is a strong parallel, speaking as one who used to work for a minister who counseled ex-cultists who were still controlled liked that), God’s hand is never too short to give aid, comfort, and a path to redemption out of evil.
It has been over seven years, now, since I left my ex husband (that is to say, he forced me out in his last whiskey-fueled rage of insults and verbal and emotional cruelty–which had resurged after a time when we did have some productive Christian counseling) and not only is my recovery complete I can see even more clearly how God saved, healed, protected, and delivered me from all the darkness, fear, and distress of those decades.
A little post script, too. As you know, Cindy, my ex husband and I did “re-friend” in a possible effort to “reconcile (together)” several months ago. Although he apologized profusely to me for, as he put it, “wanting to be in control,” “being jealous of me,” being an “a–hole,” and “flip-flopping back and forth from doing what he knew he should be doing,” ultimately, in the last week of this experience, his old, true colors came through in denial and blaming me for my “misunderstandings” and, “lies” about what really happened.
Truth is, I think he realized I am no longer the one who would kow-tow to him (no matter how he really seemed changed)–and I would speak up.
Which I did.
Firmly, in love, and leaving no uncertainty.
More importantly, although we may now see each other when our grown children are visiting, there will be no such thing as a closer relationship.
And God is in this, too.
For any reader who still deals in massive doubt and cognitive dissonance (like I did for so very long), there are many scriptural “models,” if you will, for getting away and staying away from abusers.
For just one example that has helped me, I have often thought of Timothy who was strongly advised to stay away from a certain Alexander (the coppersmith) who had “done Paul much harm.” (2 Timothy 4:14).
If it’s necessary information and advice for Timothy from Paul, it’s good for an abused wife, too.
But my all-time favorite model and source of continual inspiration was/is Abigail (1 Samuel 25:1-44) who was married to a man NAMED “fool”!
Her story shows us not only how SHE was not destroyed by him but also how she was delivered from him (along with her entire household) AND how she intervened in the life of the young, impetuous King David who was also about to do something very foolish.
It’s a very good read and study in how God works to save and preserve His people–and, I will add, one which is hardly ever discussed in sermons or teachings in most churches.
Cindy, I hope you and yours continue to thrive! You are a strong voice of comfort and hope for the abused.
Cheers and blessings,
P.
Hello, P. It’s nice to hear from you. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written (for many good reasons).
I so appreciate your transparent response. After reading all that you shared, I realized that most of the women with whom I have dared to use the dreaded “D” word are initially inclined to stumble over it and avoid saying it, as though it paves the path that leads to the dark side. On the other hand, there are those who have longed to say it but haven’t. Once they finally acknowledge the need and appropriateness of divorce, they are empowered and released to move toward freedom. It is amazing to see those who have come out of destructive marriages find their lives again and know the kind of peace and joy God intends!
He is so good.
Wishing you God’s best always,
Cindy