In my conversations with abuse victims, the above phrase is something I can typically expect to hear.

It begins with “He* really believes…” and ends with:

…his way is the right way.

…I’m the one with the problem.

…I don’t understand him.

…I should just trust him.

…he is justified in treating me the way he does.

…I’m a lousy wife.

Does he really believe those things?  If he does, then to my way of thinking, there are only two options.  Either: 1) he is painfully delusional, or 2) he is doing everything in his power to convince you that he believes those things of you.

Why would he do that?

The answer is simply this:  His design is to create confusion, sow doubt and convince you that you must work harder and do more to prove to him that you are worthy of his love and consideration.  The magnitude of this objective is as cruel and all-encompassing as it seems.

Nevertheless, if you are anything like I was, you are imagining a marriage characterized by genuine affection, shared goals and a sweet sense of camaraderie fueled by a love that flows naturally and is seen and felt in tangible ways.

With this hopeful vision at the center, coupled with a sincere faith and devotion, you accept the relational challenge and strive to be everything accommodating, supportive and accepting, trusting that one day in the very near future he will realize how wonderful you are.  He will wrap his arms around you and tell you how much he loves you, and at long last you will have the kind of marriage you long for.

It is that heartfelt objective that keeps you going, keeps you trying.

But the truth is that the more he abuses you, the harder you try.  The more authority you surrender, the more he claims.  The more you concede to him, the more you forfeit your value to his ever-shifting demands.  The more he ratchets down your life, the smaller your world becomes and the fewer options you have available.  And you can only cringe and submit as the voices of truth and reason in your life are painfully silenced – even God’s.

You were never called to live under an expectation of plastic perfection, and the man who pledged his life and love to you should not find it the least bit difficult to demonstrate love naturally through consistently caring interactions as well as a desire to allay your fears rather than inducing them.

If your spouse shuts you down by tossing out damning untruths about you, then know that he is doing so to keep you from seeing the truth about his nature.  He is saying those things to keep you preoccupied with fixing yourself, and he will continue to play them up as long as you are willing to play along.

Just know that he doesn’t really believe any of those things.

Neither should you.

Should you come to the realization that his intentions are grounded in pure selfishness, then you are also free to acknowledge that he has intentionally desecrated his vows to love, honor and cherish you.

And yes, you are free to go.

“Transgression speaks to the ungodly within his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes. For it flatters him in his own eyes concerning the discovery of his iniquity and the hatred of it. The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; he has ceased to be wise and to do good. He plans wickedness upon his bed; he sets himself on a path that is not good; he does not despise evil.” – Psalm 36:1-4

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*Abusers may be of either gender; however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine.