“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin
In my years in this ministry, I have found that there are some people who seem to be reaching out for help and insight and healing. But, after many months – even years – many who profess to want help refuse to receive it. For whatever reason, they either cannot or will not relinquish their tragic identity as an abuse victim to embrace the promising future that lies before them. These people seem quite stuck, perpetually unreachable.
Initially upon leaving an abusive relationship it makes perfect sense to share the many secrets that have been kept, to receive healthy measures of validation and comfort and direction. Sadly, the unreachable have a difficult time getting beyond that stage. They are continually undone, interminably possessed by their disturbing memories. They can recount their tragic stories forwards and backwards, inside out, upside down and sideways. Even many years after being removed from their suffering, their anguish fairly pours out of them with the slightest nudge. It is heart-breaking – a seemingly impossible scenario. The unreachable ones’ identity is wrapped so tightly around their history that they seem to have become resigned to their identity as victim.
I suppose there is some measure of comfort in revisiting pain or loss simply because of its familiarity. Perhaps the unreachable know their accounts may garner them a measure of attention or sympathy that validates their experience; or perhaps they feel obligated to forge a position for themselves as the innocent, the “good one.” I find myself at a loss to know how to help them escape from the prison cell in which they find themselves – even though the door has been left wide open. Every sunrise provides another blessed opportunity to pursue the longings they profess – where joy, peace and contentment are within their reach – yet their feet, heavy with resentment, remain wastefully cemented in a timeless past.
How I have tried to encourage many of these lost, broken people to embrace the new life and freedom they have been given by reminding them of their intrinsic value and a God-given purpose. I urge them to rekindle and embrace the unique gifts He has given them and to fight to reclaim what was taken. But my words fail. The footsteps of their abusers still haunt them; the poisonous utterances continue to ring in their ears. The abuser may be absent, but his hold on his victims’ lives remains.
I realize that, for healing to find us, there are moments when we must unbind the comforting bandages that have covered long-festering wounds, to expose our agonies to the light and air so that, in time, they may heal. The scars that remain remind us of where we have been and serve as proof that wounds will heal if we will allow it. So it is that, for each one of us, there comes a time when a solemn choice must be made – whether we will allow our abuser to claim one more minute of our lives; whether we will live out our remaining days as a victim or a victor.
We were meant for far more than victim-hood. We carry within us the potential to embody and display and inspire healing and restoration by living in all the fullness of life that surrounds us for the days that remain.
This much I know: God never intended for our history to become our identity, but rather our testimony.
With that in mind, I have to conclude that no one is unreachable; that is, unless they choose to be.
Therefore, thus says the Lord, “If you return, then I will restore you— before Me you will stand; and if you extract the precious from the worthless, You will become My spokesman.” Jeremiah 15:19
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Cindy Burrell
These words seem like such a high mountain to climb. I have been in the pit so long. My husband committed adultery in 2016, went to prison in 2017 and is still there. In 2020 sitting in church I felt like God was telling me that it was over and I was free. I carried the guilt and shame for what he did for so long. Besides my family who knew of his crime only 1 person from church knew my story and that only recently. I moved in 2017 and 10 days later he was sentenced and sent away.
I was never allowed to have money, didn’t know what bills we had. I was made to depend on him for everything. He was always in control…of me. The kids, the finances after all I was a bad mom. A crazy person that always needed him to intervene on my behalf, because I didn’t know how to act or how to speak. My children were told I was crazy, that he was the nice one that always gave them what they wanted. His family hated me. The divorce was final on June 2,2021.
He fought me from prison tried to tell me all the niceties he thought I wanted to hear, big promises, and when I did not respond he told me to give him money or he would destroy me. He called our kids and would bash me. (Ages 30 and 32) Telling them of his plans to draw out the divorce, that he would not sign. After all his ravings he would still declare his love for me and that we could work things out. At court he had a lawyer I didn’t.
I still find myself giving others the impression that he died. Only because I am ashamed by his adultery, his crime (child molestation), his imprisonment, and now divorce. How do I get past this and be honest?
Hello, Juliane. Oh, dear one, I’m so grieved to read about all you have been through.
I want you to know from the get-go that you are not alone. And although you posted in response to “The Unreachable,” I don’t think that applies to you. You are deeply wounded, but I don’t think you are unreachable.
Your former husband’s terrible offenses are not your fault. He alone is responsible for what he has done – not you.
I’m glad that your divorce is final for your sake and your kids’. Your former husband’s cruelties, betrayals, mind games, lies, manipulation, shaming and efforts to convince your children that you are the problem are absolutely common among abusers.
As painful as your history is, you shared that the Lord has set you free. I know He wants you to be free in every way – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. In terms of getting past this, it will surely take time to grieve and let go, but I also believe that your history may one day be part of your own testimony of God’s faithfulness, healing and peace.
And you are free to share whatever you are comfortable sharing with others. If people ask, perhaps you may simply tell them that your husband was an adulterer and/or an abuser – and that’s all anyone needs to know. Any who would judge you don’t merit any further explanation. You know the truth, so does our gracious Savior and Lord, and He is your witness.
I hope you know that divorce is not a sin when there is just cause. In this, having been divorced is nothing to be ashamed of, even though it may seem that way. That does not reflect God’s heart. The one whom the Son sets free is free indeed… If you want to see a clearer picture of the biblical truth on this subject, I hope you will take some time to read, “A Letter to a Pastor Explaining Biblical Divorce,” as well as “Understanding the Marriage Covenant,” “The Trauma of Betrayal,” and/or “The Only Divorce in the Bible.”
And keep reading… as you continue to gain more understanding about the abuse dynamic, I think you will see that the abuser mindset and strategies are almost universally consistent. I lived it for 20 years. Since those dark days, I have healed, and God brought me an amazing husband whom I love more than anything and led me into this area of ministry to help others who are walking a road similar to my own.
Know that God knows your heart and where you have been, and He can redeem it – all of it. I have seen Him do miracles in the lives of many others and bring deep healing and restoration in His time.
Feel free to write me privately at cindyburrell@hurtbylove.com if you need more direction or have questions.
I also offer personal coaching if you’re ever interested. There is information regarding this option on the “Personal Coaching” tab, but there is absolutely no pressure to do so.
I pray that you find the peace and freedom you seek, Juliane. You are deeply loved, and you deserve to be happy, too.
Cindy