There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4
Just a few months after separating from my husband, I was hired by a prominent government official to be his receptionist and personal assistant. In that role, I was responsible for greeting those who came to meet with him, people from all walks of life. Still reeling from the effects of the abuse and dealing with my husband’s ongoing harassment, in my mind’s eye every man who walked in the door was automatically presumed to be an enemy – a self-serving, conniving jerk. As far as greeting those who came to meet with my boss, I knew how to be cordial while remaining thoroughly entrenched in my cynical mindset toward the opposite sex.
It was on a particularly lovely spring day, as a girlfriend and I were enjoying lunch at an outdoor café, that I casually tossed out what had become my steely presumption.
“I’ve decided that all men are scum,” I casually announced.
Wholly unaffected by my assertion, my girlfriend glanced up at me between bites of her salad and gently inquired, “What about your sons?”
Her words hit me like a freight train.
In that moment I realized that I had to be wrong! I would never have considered that either of my boys would treat others the way their father had chosen to treat us. My tiny window of experience could not possibly represent the universe of men; men created in the image of God. Since the dawn of creation, men had been rescuers and leaders, loving fathers, guardians and mentors, honorable identities for which my sons were surely destined. My God and Savior, the Lover of My Soul served as my surest example of exceptional manhood.
I saw how desperately I needed to detox from all of the garbage and lies that my former husband had indoctrinated me to accept – that his twisted kind of masculinity was the real thing and all men were just like him. It was a turning point that fueled a powerful determination to relearn how to discern between what was toxic and what was true.
Another friend kindly recommended a counselor, and I called and made an appointment. Sitting across from my new counselor in his rather small office, I introduced myself to “Matt” who wasted no time, asking, “What can I do for you?”
“I have decided that all men are scum,” I flatly responded.
Matt let out a disarming laugh. “I guess I know where I stand,” he said with a grin. “Alright. Let’s get started.”
I met with Matt every other week for at least two years. He was a compassionate listener who validated my experience and gave me permission to grieve a 20-year marriage that had gone terribly wrong. He also helped me to identify falsehoods I had accepted as truth and patiently walked with me as I endeavored to move past my past. It was also refreshing to discover that I could actually trust someone like Matt – a man, after all – with my deepest, darkest wounds and fears, a man who was genuinely caring and forthcoming – not at all the scummy type I might have anticipated.
Simultaneously, God had placed me in a perfect position at work to see gracious, godly manhood from another perspective. The man who employed me was altogether personable, professional and genuine. He cared about his work and everyone who walked in the door, and it showed.
And above all, he adored his wife. He made it clear that anytime she called or came by the office, he was to be interrupted regardless. She was always his top priority. To see them together, it was abundantly apparent that those two people, who had been together for many, many years and raised four equally amazing children to adulthood, were still very much in love. Witnessing their relationship was truly inspiring – and healing.
With these complementary forces at work, and after months of deep, emotional purging and re-learning, I came to understand that, while some men are truly self-serving and dangerous, many, many others are caring, responsible, selfless individuals who exhibit genuine respect to those around them. It was not too long after that period of intense healing and personal growth that I met the man who is now my husband. He is my protector, my confidant, my best friend, and the love of my life.
I know there are many women who are so deeply wounded, fearful and jaded that they have sworn off men forever. I remember how that felt. For those of you in that boat, I can only encourage you to remove yourself from the toxic environment in which you have been immersed. Take whatever time is necessary to detox and let those raw emotional wounds heal.
Some man-haters reading this are heartily committed to their cynicism. I understand how you feel. Others would prefer not to live the rest of their lives behind the thick walls they have built to protect their hearts, but for the time-being, they need to stay where they are, and that’s okay. Among both camps are those who are secretly hoping that someone will come along and prove them wrong – that they too might come to see that there are men who are altogether worthy of our respect – and love.
Dear reader, regardless of where you find yourself at this moment, I pray that you would simply refuse to give your abuser the ultimate victory – power and control over your life for the rest of your life.
As tempted as I was to believe that all men are like my former husband was, I know now that there are some truly good and faithful men out there who may be looking for a woman…
just
like
you.*
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” C.S. Lewis
###
(* The healing process should never be rushed. Trust your instincts and don’t be afraid to walk away from any relationship that feels off-kilter or unsafe.)
Cindy Burrell
Copyright 2018, All Rights Reserved
You might also be interested in “Avoiding Dating Disasters.”
Wonderful post, Cindy! And it rings so true. Although I have to admit, even after what my ex did to me and our two sons, I never really saw men in such a terrible light. I was one of those women who clung to find my happily-ever-after, maybe corny sounding and perhaps it sounds like I never took the time to heal, but I never rushed into anything and wasn’t looking, per se. One day though, God placed my current husband right in my path, knowing that this man would be the final healing balm to my wounded heart and soul.
I always tell women I talk with not to rush into anything, but when the timing is right, God will bring someone along.
Hello, Amy. I love what you shared here. This says a lot about your heart. In spite of your history, you didn’t assume that other men were the same. You were very wise, God brought you an amazing husband, and now you are in a place to encourage others to adopt the same kind of healing vision. Again, thanks for sharing.
Cindy
Cindy,
This is SUCH A TIMELY ARTICLE!
And so absolutely true.
I will be re-posting it on my blog.
Amy, I love your response as well.
In a world fast eroding with cynicism, we need this and other reminders that there are still good hearts, good people, and above all, a good God, the Genesis of not only redemption but also healing.
Blessings and cheers,
Phyllis
Hello, Phyllis! You are always so kind to add your words of wisdom and support. I hope all is well in your world.
Cindy
By the time I finished this article, I was in tears. This spoke to me immensely! I too am very cynical now about men and relationships. I’m still in the middle of my divorce from my abuser, but I have absolutely no interest in dating ever again. I have very thick walls up, but in my deepest heart of hearts, part of me still desires that marriage that mirrors Christ and the church. Thank you, thank you.
Hello, Jamie. I apologize for my delay in responding, as I have several projects in the works… I am sorry you are hurting, dear one, but I pray that you can catch a glimpse of the gracious heart of God, the wonder of His redemption and His true intent for marriage. By all means, grieve, but I pray that God heals your heart, whether or not you ever decide to consider a relationship again – or not.
Feel free to write if I can help or direct you further.
Blessings,
Cindy
I’m not sure I would trust myself to be able to pick a good one!
Hi, Annie. I completely understand where you are coming from! Although it seems you may not yet be in a place where you would even entertain another relationship, I also have a piece here called “Avoiding Dating Disasters” (sort of the next chapter after the piece on man-hating)…
Just take your sweet time in the healing process. There is no reason to rush. This is not a race, and it doesn’t matter what other people think or say – or even if there are times you feel lonely. Once you fine you are whole all by yourself, then it won’t matter if some guy is attracted to you or not. You’ll be able to put yourself (and the God who loves you) in the driver’s seat! Re-learn how to trust your instincts when they tell you something isn’t quite right and feel free to say ‘no.’ Begin applying these things in your daily life, so that you learn how to distinguish between truly trustworthy people and the show-boaters and smooth talkers.
Feel free to email me if you’d like. I’ll be happy to help if I can.
Know that you matter!
Cindy
Great article…really good. Pulled up some deep feeling in me as I read it. I have definitely been in the “all men are scum” mindset but God has put me in a very healthy community where I work and has used a couple of the men there to help heal me of that mindset. But it’s still a struggle. I have a lot of healing ahead of me.
I love the compassionate tone of this article which I believe is so needed for victims of abuse as they heal. Thank you for being clear that there is no judgment for whatever phase you find yourself in.
Hello, Jennifer. I’m glad you took the time to share, but I am sorry that you have been wounded so. Yes, you are seen and understood right where you are in every season of life. I am glad you are finding healing and am confident the Lord will bring you to a place of restoration and peace. He is so, so good…
Blessings,
Cindy
This is too knee-jerk in both directions. The truth is most men are scum. Many women have had multiple abuser men in their lives, not because they are poor at choosing, but rather because there are that many abuser men out there.
This is way too cheery. Way too out-of-touch. Just look at the percentage of the male population that consumes porn. Seriously. How many porn users in your church? How many men get off on watching prostituted women be spit on, slapped, multiple penetrations, degraded, verbally abused, made to choke, gag, and vomit on men violently ramming their ‘unit’ into those poor female’s mouths while they cry, gag, and eventually vomit? Sadism is alive and well in the vast majority of men. The vast majority of men consume porn. They love it. And it’s not mere fantasy. It’s a real woman being humiliated, defiled, raped, filmed, beaten, choked, slapped, and so forth. This is the draw, the especially enticing content that gets the views! It’s violent, depraved stuff.
How many men are sexist? Most all of them. Racism is seen as evil (and it is evil), but yet sexism is seen as not that bad (or worse, ‘natural’).
How many men want to only use and exploit a woman?
The “all men are scum” is silly. There are almost always exceptions to any general rule. But those exceptions, those rare exceptions are just that, exceptions. Exceptions don’t disprove the general rule. Most men are scum is a quite reasonable position to have and maintain. So many women feel as though they cannot assert such an observation and conclusion because they have sons. So what? So, let’s hope they are right in considering their sons to be exceptions. Same with other male members of their family (brother, father, uncle, male cousin).
But the truth is, most men are scum. Most men hate women and women, by and large, underestimate just how much men hate them. It is evidenced by rampant levels of sexism, men’s violence against women, the widespread consumption of even more sadistic and violent porn, harassment, abuse, stalking, ‘revenge porn’, voyeurism, child porn and all sorts of things like that.
If women are unwilling to look at the cold hard facts and instead want to write fluffy, light pieces about one bad marriage, but then the woman meets a man who isn’t horrible and so she must be wrong, men must be wonderful after all, then things aren’t going to change for the better. It’s not disloyal to your sons to assert that most men are scum. It’s actually a good thing to regularly talk about with your sons, talk about porn, and specifically why that isn’t sex, but rather violence, talk about the sexism they see in the world all around them. Talk about their abuser father. Talk in detail as to why that shouldn’t be considered ‘normal’ (although it is so very, very common) and why they need to grow up and be opposite of their abuser father. Talk about value systems. Talk about male supremacy. Talk about objectification of women. If you aren’t addressing such issues, who knows if they are actually good or not? Think about the son who was video recorded, laughing so hard, saying how raped the teenage girl was in the Steubenville rape case. Watch that video. It looks to be in someone’s house, probably his house, and in a basement. Does that mom consider her son to be good? Did she? Does she still?
It’s smart to look at the stats, make observations about the world we live in, and not smooth over the horrible reality that most men are scum and they hate you, me, and all other women. Women, by and large, underestimate just how much men hate women.
Dear Anonymous, I am sorry you have been so wounded and disillusioned that you believe that the majority of men are scum.
I have nothing to apologize for. What I share here is my own story, my own experience. I know there are many wicked men in this world, and I grieve to know how many lives have been sacrificed to them. But you have no authority to tell me what I must believe or teach, how I must relate to my sons, how much horror I must expose myself to, how cynical or angry I should be. Statistics will always paint a disturbing picture, but I refuse to let this dark world rob me of a life of peace and joy that defies anything this world has to offer. I choose to be a victor rather than a victim, to live in the light rather than succumb to the darkness.
Sure, there will always be wicked men in our midst, but my husband and I have many male friends, neighbors and acquaintances whom we could know we could count in a heartbeat defend our home and our lives if called upon. We have four sons between us. They are all protectors and providers, and we have every reason to be proud of them. I know that our example and encouragement have inspired them to become the kinds of men they are. They may be in the minority, but they are genuine caretakers just the same.
And our Father God presents Himself as male. Jesus called Him “Father,” and our Lord and His disciples gave their very lives as a testimony to the love, grace and mercy that He came to make available to us in all of its fullness. In spite of how dark this world can be, Jesus will have the last word, and I know Him, as I pray you do. He is my savior and friend, my comforter, teacher and the lover of my soul. No matter what happens in this life – and I expect it will get darker – He will one day redeem it all.
I pray you find the peace you seek and sincerely wish you well.
Cindy
Your spirit is good, Cindy. Sorry I was so harsh towards you in my prior comment. There was way too much of an edge towards you when it rightfully belonged on the wicked men who harm women.
Glad you have good men in your life and that your sons are good, too. It’s just that it’s a rarity. I’m sure you realize that. Millions, probably billions, of women around the world do not get to experience such.