All posts by Cindy

Cindy is recognized for her insightful, personalized writing style. Coupled with her experience as an abuse survivor and a divorcee, we are confident that her simple yet profound insights will provide a new perspective that contributes to positive change and encourage the reader along his or her journey toward restoration
abuse, children, confusion, divorce, emotional abuse, family dysfunction, recovery

Life on the Other Side:  “The Best Christmas Ever”

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Journal Entry March 11, 2003

I now look at life differently.  My children are more precious to me than ever.  I love to hear them laugh and to daily tell them I love them and kiss them good-night.  Colors seem more vivid.  The breeze on my skin is fresh and invigorating.  I find myself smiling for no good or apparent reason.  It is as though I have peeled off my old life, and a brand new one is emerging.  At 43, can life really begin again?  If so, I pray that I am living proof of it. Continue reading Life on the Other Side:  “The Best Christmas Ever” →

abuse, Christianity, conflict, confusion, divorce, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, leaving an abuser, manipulation, marriage, recovery, religion, truth, unsafe home, wisdom

Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall?

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“The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself.  The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness; and the end of his talk is mischievous madness.”  Ecclesiastes 10:12-13

King Solomon describes those who are swallowed up by their own folly, their own words betraying their “mischievous madness.”  Perhaps you have witnessed what he so eloquently described.

It happens when your priorities finally shift, when holding your unhappy relationship together is replaced by a deepening determination to break free.  But your abuser will realize he’s* losing his grip, and thus begins the next chapter in this ridiculous saga…

Continue reading Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall? →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, church denial, conflict, confusion, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, family dysfunction, judgment, marriage, religion, remarriage, unsafe home

The Dreaded “D” Word

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In my conversations with abuse victims, as I listen to them while they peel away layer after layer of marital heartbreak, there may come a point when I find myself engaged in an internal wrestling match, when I am thoroughly convinced that I need to use the dreaded “D” word, but I wonder:  Is it okay for me to say it?

Continue reading The Dreaded “D” Word →

abuse, Christianity, conflict, confusion, faith, fear, leaving an abuser, loneliness, marriage, recovery, wisdom

Maybe It Wasn’t That Bad

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Perhaps you have finally chosen to make a dramatic life shift away from your abuser – to separate or divorce him.*  Although some of your wounds have healed and many things have changed for the better, other aspects of your life may be more challenging than you expected, and there may be moments when you find yourself doubting the severity of your tumultuous history.

Continue reading Maybe It Wasn’t That Bad →

abuse, belief system, betrayal, Christianity, conflict, controlling abuse, cruelty, denial, disrespect, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, family dysfunction, fear, leaving an abuser, manipulation, neglect, truth, unsafe home

“I’ve Changed”

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“I’ve changed.”

Such are the easy words of an abuser.

It may feel good to hear them, and you want to believe them.  But what, if anything, has changed, and why?

Did your abuser confess the many, specific ways he* failed?  Did he admit to being a selfish, vindictive, manipulative micro-manager?  Did he concede that he wronged you in a thousand ways and humbly confess that he is horrified and grieved by the way he treated you and the cruel things he said to make you feel worthless?  Did he offer to separate to allow you room to grieve and heal while he works on the issues that he needs to address?

Or did he speak in vague generalities, rationalize his history, expect you to trust him and be patient with him on those occasions when he inadvertently fails again?  After all, you can’t expect perfection…

“I’ve changed” means he is not the person he was before.  There is no such thing as changing without changing.

Since time reveals truth, it probably won’t be long before you know whether he has actually changed – or not.  If he hasn’t, you are still living with an abuser, he is still abusing you, and it’s still wrong.

Words matter.  Or they should.

(*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)

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Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com