From time to time, an abuse victim will ask me, “Do you believe our relationship can be saved?” Instantly, I feel the weight of it, for the question is filled with untold emotion and self-doubt.
I have a pretty good idea where she is coming from. If she is anything like I was, the abuse victim has staked her future on a hope that she can somehow hold things together while helping the abuser to work through his* issues, believing she might possess some intangible quality that will ultimately move him to address not only his unhealthy behaviors, but his very nature. So for the victim, it is the investment of herself she seeks to redeem, as surely it would be a terrible waste to forfeit that which has consumed so much of her life’s energy if, by some miracle, a favorable outcome may be imminent.
But, what if it becomes apparent that all of her efforts have amounted to nothing? Submitting to such a hard truth will inflict pain enough. The admission will add another layer of uncertainty to her already stressful life, and she will face the judgment of many who will hastily conclude that it was she who failed.
In most instances, the abuse victim is weighing the price her heart, mind and soul have paid to accommodate her abuser’s moods and demands up until now. She realizes that her ongoing efforts to survive and even help her abuser amid the chaos he churns up have borne little fruit.
Adding to the conflict within her, I can almost hear the voice of her abuser in the background – the man who, finally facing some painful consequences, suddenly declares that he has seen the light. Together with his allies’ endorsement of his impressive transformation, the victim feels the pressure. She has probably heard the guilt-laden words from more than one friend or family member:
“Don’t you want to save your marriage?”
The words sting like salt in a wound. The victim is utterly exhausted, but should she refuse to trust in her abuser’s dramatic change and instead decline his overtures, blame for the relationship’s failure will surely fall on her. She is at a crossroads, desperate to know whether she is obligated to fan the withering flame of hope she used to have for the relationship, or whether someone like me might provide a dousing of hard truth that might at last extinguish it.
So, in an effort to help the enabler-victim find her footing, I will tell her that she needn’t concern herself with saving the relationship, but rather she should commit to taking care of herself. She is powerless to save her abuser or the relationship, and I will emphasize that it is not her responsibility to do so. If the abuser had fulfilled his marital responsibilities from the beginning, there would be nothing to debate.
In the end, whether the abuser decides to seek whatever help he needs to address his issues is his business alone. And let him figure it out over whatever period of time is necessary while living elsewhere – away from the people who have served as his ready targets. Although virtually every victim feels an obligation to ease the abuser’s discomfort, he deserves no explanation and no apology for any inconvenience to which he might be subject. Even pity gives him power.
I will also remind the victim that abusers are really good at making promises, but lousy at keeping them. I will urge her to keep a safe emotional distance from him for a good, long while, learn to say ‘no’ to his self-serving propositions, and see whether his goodwill quickly evaporates when he does not get the response he expects, adding, “Then you will know that he has not really changed.” A genuinely repentant man would fully comprehend that trust must be re-earned over time.
I don’t give a rip about the abuser or whether a separation or divorce is hard on him. No, my concern is reserved for his primary victim and any children who have been held hostage to his unpredictable tirades and shaming games. What needs to be restored is the sense of safety and security that have been sacrificed to the abuser’s unreasonable demands.
There is no time like the present to reclaim sound priorities, begin the work of bringing healing to the hearts and minds of victims and their children, and weave love, respect, affection and truth in and through a recovering family structure. The victims need to know that their home will now be a place where they can live in safety.
I will not encourage an abuse victim to waste another breath attempting to “save” a harmful, dysfunctional union. Most assuredly, the ultimate objective is not to save the relationship, but to save those who have been harmed by it.
So, as to whether or not the relationship can be saved, perhaps it would be more appropriate to ask: Should it be saved? At the end of the day, that is a question only the victim can answer.
*Although abusers may be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Cindy Burrell
Copyright 2014
All Rights Reserved
Thank you that is exactly what I needed to hear tonight I’m just coming out of the fog of a 20 year verbally and emotionally abusive relationship . I am at that point where I am finally taking concrete steps to get out and for the past 3 days have been filled with fear and doubt about all the what ifs. And just like you stated he has decided to “change” and had instituted this plan to improve out marriage and -big surprise-it puts little responsibity on him but more on me (I have to applaud and encourage every little thing he dies fir me and have sex with him more so we get closer etc etc. ). Talk about self serving. I just need to focus on the goal-getting myself and my kids to a safe place so we can have a home free of anger , threats , ridicule , demands , and finally live a real life.
Marie,
God bless you in this hard time! But take heart. I left a verbally, emotionally, and in the early years physically, abusive marriage after 42 years! It can be done.
I am especially concerned that you have come to the place of not even wanting to talk to him as it does no good. And this is NOT “the silent treatment.” This is EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL. I can completely relate.
Toward the end, after so many years of trying, counseling, reading, improving myself, praying, I had nothing left, too. But he was still extraordinarily needy…
By contacting a counselor and an attorney you are already on the path. Listen to them. Make sure your counselor understands the dynamics of verbal and emotional abuse. Physical abuse is generally well understood, finally.
And here is what you can look forward to once you have made the next step in your recovery:
Peace
Rest
Renewed energy
Greater health
Continuity
Respect from all with whom you interact, now (I will bet he is the only one who disrespects you, right?)
Did I mention peace?
Yes, there will be hard times as you go through the natural grieving process. Here is what helped/helps me immeasurably (after 15 months no-contact except for divorce business and my mother’s funeral, and one year out from the divorce):
Accessing my support group of friends and family OFTEN
Professional counseling
Research
Making lists such as when “his words” of blame, accusation, mockery, etc., come to mind, listing the TRUTH of me and my motives
Making lists of all of the things I DID accomplish in the marriage; how I DID change for the better over time although apparently not enough ever for him
Realizing divorce is NOT the unforgiveable sin
Understanding the Biblical pattern of DELIVERANCE that appears all through the Scriptures
You are in my prayers.
Excellent advice on all counts. I wholly agree with the process you recommend. It is a lot of hard work, but when we finally reclaim our value and our lives, there is nothing like it.
Thanks for all of your encouragement. It is inspiring to read how far you have come.
All the best,
Cindy
Bravo Cindy, another great post!
XXX from Barb
A wonderful post! I am sharing this today on my blog. I could not have said it better.
Hello, Amy.
Feel free!
Cindy
Great post! This will make it’s way into our DivorceCare curriculum.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write and for your willingness to share with others who are hurting. I am honored…
Cindy
Thank you, Barb.
Love ya,
Cindy
Dear friend, know that you are not alone. As you can tell, I have been where you are. I am sorry you are hurting but commend you for taking the steps to protect yourself and your children. Even in that single paragraph, I see the abuser mentality – “having to applaud him for every little thing…” so typical.
Don’t worry about that other people say or think. Act on what you know to be true. I hope you will visit my website if you haven’t already, and feel free to e-mail me personally or post your questions or comments on our forum. I’ll be happy to direct you to other resources and help you walk through this if I can.
Cindy
I met my ex when I was 15 years old and married him when I was 17 years old. The mental and sexual abuse started when I was 15 and due to my low self esteem (caused mostly from church) I stayed with him for 25 years. I have 3 children: (son) 17, (daughters) 18 and 21. I left my abuser 4 times before I finally stayed away after time and time again waiting for him to love me. I really wish I would have left him while my kids were babies then he wouldn’t have been able to get his manipulative claws into them like he has now. Though the kids don’t know the extreme measures of the sexual(had my female area, urethra, bladder and bowels completely rebuilt. Then laid in bed for 3 days afterward with no pain meds due to him “forgetting” to stop by the pharmacy and get them), spiritual, physical and any other abuse you can think of that I went through, they still have seen a lot and themselves been through manipulation, mental and spiritual abuse. Now I see them still tripping over themselves to please him and post pics online with their “wonderful daddy” and I know they seek a way to handle all of the confusion and I’d love it if they were telling the truth about their dad…but it’s as if they are lying to themselves to keep from hurting themselves even more, I guess. I never down their dad and encourage them when they do go see him.
He has done some pitiful and horrible things (including telling my middle girl that she’s not really his) to them since we left him 2 years ago and its as if he’s got this power of manipulation to draw in even the most intelligent person to his ‘game of life’, his ‘mind games’. It’s as if the devil himself stands there and tells them to cut themselves to see if they will really bleed and they do it! Just to satisfy him and please him. I could write a book about our lives and I bet I’d be a billionaire. Yep. Thats what I need to do…write a book. My life would make a great lifetime movie and that’s a fact.
Dear Melissa, I am so sorry to read that little bit of your story. It breaks my heart.
I did write a book on this subject if you are ever interested – or your kids are. “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” is a firsthand look at the abusive relationship dynamic and what I learned when I finally escaped with our four children. I also have a variety of other articles that may minister to you that are also on this blog – “Lanterns for Amberly,” about my youngest daughter, “Waiting at the Window,” about my youngest son, Brett, and “Seven Long Years,” about my eldest son, Kyle. I think you may see aspects of your own children in them. Feel free to write to me at my website, and I will be happy to help or direct you to other resources. It can be a long road, but healing is available, and I am confident that, as hard as it will be, your kids will one day see the truth.
I wish you well,
Cindy
Love it! Great advice! It puts the onus back on the shoulders of the person responsible for the breakup of the marriage. Let the abuser figure out how to fix his/her problems, and allow the victim some healing!