Category Archives: abuse

The Bench

The Bench

“Please,” the man said, “if you wouldn’t mind,”

And at first I believed he was thoughtful and kind

He pondered a moment, then pointed to where

A rustic old bench sat under the stair

 

“There are others whose dress is better selected

Whose hair and accoutrements are more keenly collected

But you may observe and keep watch from that place

A distance apart from the revelers’ gaze”

 

Although his words pierced as a sword through my soul

I timidly moved to my place in the hole

Knowing I never would join in the fray

And the bench became my companion that day

 

My ragged appearance could not match the rest

Yet my heart beat the same inside of my chest

As I stroked the rough planks of the bench where I waited

My dream of acceptance would not this day be sated

 

Countless long hours the bench was my friend

Neither shame nor my loneliness came to an end

For my eyes held no beauty, my gait showed no grace

The bench’s cruel judgment was etched on my face

 

‘Til the moment a man came, looked into my eyes

Smiled, took my hand in His, to my surprise

He led me so tenderly, whispered, “There’s more,”

And I feared He might ask me to sit on the floor

 

I could not still my heart from its penitent race

As He tenderly pulled back the hair from my face

“You are lovely,” He said. “It is so clear to Me,

You are patient and gentle and kind as could be.”

 

I gasped in His presence, it was clear He had seen

Every tear I had wept, every anguishing dream

And He smiled and He pointed to the front of the hall

Before all of the guests who had come to His ball

 

“You will never again sit away from the throng

On that horrid old bench where you do not belong

For you are My princess, honored and blessed

From now ‘til forever you’ll be properly dressed

 

“You have not been forgotten, you have not been alone

I have seen you seated back there from My throne

Receive all I have for You, My darling, My prize

Today I will relish the light in your eyes”

 

How tragic to see, if I only had known

The bench was a stop on my way to His throne

I’d have held my head high, been proud of my name

For the bench and my value were never the same.

 

 © 2012, Cindy Burrell, All Rights Reserved

Leaving An Abuser: What to Expect and How to Stay Grounded

Abusers are extremely predictable. In my experience as a survivor and now through encounters with other abuse victims and survivors, it is apparent that the abuser’s response to separation from his or her enabler-victim taps into a collection of tactics that is shockingly consistent. So, in the event that you have separated or are considering leaving an abusive relationship, it might be helpful to get a small taste of some of the things you can expect, together with a few recommendations on how to stay grounded. Of course, these are generalities. It is impossible to predict what every abuser will do, but the pattern is often very much the same.

Upon separating from an abuser, you can expect him to:

Continue reading Leaving An Abuser: What to Expect and How to Stay Grounded

Understanding the Difference Between Compliance and Change

Can the abuser change? The short answer: Yes.

Anyone can change. It’s a matter of desire, will and motive. Healthy people are generally desirous of change when they genuinely care about how their actions affect others and will accept an opportunity to contribute to their relationships in a meaningful way.

Does the abuser really want to change? In most cases, the short answer is “No.”

Abusers don’t care if you’re happy; they care if they’re happy. Their control is far more important than your happiness. Therefore, on the occasion where his enabler-victim identifies an area of dissatisfaction or conflict in the relationship, the abuser will quickly attempt to squelch any discontent through verbal jeopardizing, diminishment or yelling.

Continue reading Understanding the Difference Between Compliance and Change

Bad Juju: Working Through Bad Memories

In our household, it is affectionately referred to as “bad juju.” I suppose that acknowledging temporary insanity with a dose of humor is half the battle. But when our lives are humming along at a fairly even keel, it is not at all humorous when one of us suddenly stumbles into it. The bad juju.

For us, bad juju is what we call an old wound that we thought was healed but isn’t – somewhat akin to post traumatic stress. An otherwise innocent situation can unexpectedly propel us back to a disturbing memory, registering an immediate, fear-based reaction – an emotional nosedive.

One such unfortunate ambush occurred when I was dating my husband, Doug. We were living about 300 miles apart at the time, and we had spent many wonderful hours on the phone getting acquainted over the previous several weeks. So he was aware of my dark history – my 20-year marriage to an abusive man. I felt quite confident that the combination of many months of counseling – together with the support of family and friends – had led me far along my path to recovery. I was naïve, having not the slightest suspicion that the bad juju was close at hand but hidden from view – an emotional land mine.

Continue reading Bad Juju: Working Through Bad Memories

For Believers Considering Divorce

“God hates divorce.” This Scripture, taken from the book of Malachi, is commonly used by friends, family, and pastoral counselors. I struggled for years with this decree, as I know others have in situations similar to my own. Although I was an abuse victim, my love for the Lord and my desire to please Him fueled my unrealistic belief that, between my faith and the Lord’s intervention, my abuser would change. In truth, my former husband did not want to change, and my desire to keep my marriage whole – at the expense of our family – was both foolish and destructive.

In truth, God hates divorce, not because it occurs, but because it is necessary. And Jesus made that clear when the Pharisees tried to corner Him on the issue (Matthew 19). Jesus emphatically asserted that God despises men’s practice of “putting away” their wives, abandoning them emotionally, and putting them in limbo rather than providing them with a written divorce as commanded in Deuteronomy. The Pharisees again asked why God then allowed divorce, and Jesus pointed the finger back at them: “Because of the hardness of your hearts.” Yes, God hates divorce – it should be unnecessary to protect some because of the hardened hearts of others. What He would certainly prefer is the fulfillment of the biblical model of Christ and His love for His bride, the church.

By extension, God does not hate divorced people. For those of us who have been compelled – even by the Holy Spirit – to pursue divorce, our inclination is to question whether, in seeking or accepting divorce, we therefore risk forfeiting the blessing and protection of God.

This dreadful, lesser-of-two-evils scenario makes us feel trapped. We feel we must choose whether to be abandoned emotionally or be abandoned spiritually! Thankfully, that is not God’s intent. This terrible assumption is diametrically opposed to the nature and character of our loving, protective Father-God. Believing women who contact me consistently express these same fears.

In spite of the judgments of the church, I have held to what I know about God’s priorities based upon my encounters with Him and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Yet, I have struggled to fully understand how I might account for such grace in my own life, recognizing that the Lord certainly did not merely make an exception for me. Either I was in denial, or God’s grace and affirmation was similarly extended to others in like circumstances. I just couldn’t pin down how or why the church and well-meaning believers have been misguided in issues affecting divorce.

With this in mind, I am so pleased to have found a book that biblically confirms what I have known in my spirit to be true.

Pastor Walter Callison has written a book called, “Divorce: A Gift of God’s Love,” that carefully and biblically articulates God’s consistent view of marriage and divorce.

His thorough analysis of the original meaning of the word sometimes interpreted “divorce,” both in Malachi and Matthew sheds much-needed light on the intent and the heart of God. There is much truth that emanates from his worthy analysis, and I am confident that Pastor Callison’s work will bring the light of truth and peace to many God-fearing believers who, in addition to the stress of a volatile or ungodly relationship, are saddled with a misplaced burden of guilt and fear.

Certainly, divorce is not to be taken lightly. Each of us must be wise to pray and respond according to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. In doing so, we will bring honor to God and enjoy His blessing on our lives.

It is my pleasure to encourage others in like circumstances to consider Pastor Callison’s book, “Divorce: A Gift of God’s Love.”

 

Copyright 2012, All Rights Reserved