Category Archives: children

The Four-Word Phrase I No Longer Allow In My Life

As I look back at the 20 years I spent in an abusive marriage, one of the things that has bubbled up from those years is a four-word phrase that I consistently heard from some of my believing friends and church leaders and even a pastor or two.  I didn’t recognize the toxicity of those four words before, but now I have come to realize how cold, demeaning and shallow those words are.

As I tried to maneuver through my abusive “Christian” marriage, there were rare occasions when I dared to open up about the horror of my home life to people I thought I could trust, people whom I believed would take the time to hear me, acknowledge the wrong and encourage me to seek safety and peace for myself and my children.  Although I desperately hoped to receive some validation and emotional support, more often than not, the “encouragement” I received typically began with four dismissive words: “You just need to…” followed by one of these pat phrases:

…trust that God wants to heal your marriage.

…pray for your husband.

…be more loving.

…be more sexual.

…be more submissive.

…forgive him – often punctuated with the phrase “remember – seventy-times-seven.”

Then they might cast a sideways glance at me and saddle me with one more burdensome missive: “Remember:  God hates divorce.” *  And they would pat me on the shoulder and walk away, leaving me standing there feeling very much alone and wholly misunderstood.

 What those people were really saying was that my husband’s behaviors didn’t matter.  My suffering didn’t matter.  My kids didn’t matter.  I was supposed to trust that I was in God’s will, that God would surely make everything right eventually, no matter how ungodly and toxic our home was if I “just” did all the right things.

The word “just” implies that the solution is simple, something patently obvious and fail-safe.  If only…

I now believe that such tepid – but seemingly religious – reactions reflect the reality that it’s easier to put the pressure on the teachable, malleable marriage partner than to identify the potentially toxic, hostile one.  Of course, by acknowledging that there is abuse – and an abuser – any conversation about the situation may be viewed as gossip rather than compassion.  And, of course, coming alongside the one being abused might necessitate some measure of personal involvement in what is almost certainly a messy situation.  Who needs that?

No doubt, my husband understood perfectly well that the pressure was on me to “fix it,” and he liked it that way.  “You will submit to me,” served as a trump card when I dared to question his decisions or behaviors.  In this, he could rationalize anything he chose to do, because he had been ordained “head of the household.”  In fact, just a few weeks into our marriage, the man approached me in the family room and matter-of-factly stated, “Just so you know, I can treat you anyway I want, and as long as you don’t catch me in the act of adultery, there’s nothing you can do about it.”  And he walked away.

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Life on the Other Side:  “The Best Christmas Ever”

Journal Entry March 11, 2003

I now look at life differently.  My children are more precious to me than ever.  I love to hear them laugh and to daily tell them I love them and kiss them good-night.  Colors seem more vivid.  The breeze on my skin is fresh and invigorating.  I find myself smiling for no good or apparent reason.  It is as though I have peeled off my old life, and a brand new one is emerging.  At 43, can life really begin again?  If so, I pray that I am living proof of it. Continue reading Life on the Other Side:  “The Best Christmas Ever”

Wisdom in the Counsel of Many?

“Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.”  Proverbs 15:22

We know there is wisdom in the counsel of many.  Even in the midst of overwhelming heartache and confusion, we may have some vague idea of what we want or need to do, but out of a sincere desire to do the right thing, we prefer to secure a measure of validation from others before we proceed.

Unfortunately, when dealing with an abusive spouse, some of our most well-meaning advisers may offer up various measures of godly-sounding legalism rather than the kind of balanced, practical support that the one living in the cross-hairs of an abuser desperately needs.

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The Heart Murderer

Jesus said, “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’ I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, “Raca” shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell…”  Matthew 5:21-22

The entire fifth chapter of Matthew records a timeless discourse given by Jesus before a great crowd who had gathered on a hillside.  There, our Lord spent time assuring the wounded and the unseen that God saw their hearts in the midst of all they were going through and that their faithfulness would one day be rewarded.  Jesus then took time to contrast mere image with substance, outward appearances with the condition of the heart.  He made it powerfully apparent that, although we may content ourselves with what is seen outwardly, God sees it all, including the motives and intentions of our hearts.

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Predator or Prey?

Predator or Prey?

“…be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.”

Ephesians 6:10

 

When living in an abusive household, there is no truly safe place, no easy answers, and no best response to a given situation, because the world revolves around the abuser’s* wants and needs, which are ever-changing.  This kind of unstable environment has profound impacts on wives – the abuser’s primary victims – and children.

Continue reading Predator or Prey?