Natalie Hoffman of Flying Free has an exceptional ministry and offers a wealth of resources designed to help women in abusive relationships. She recently invited me to do a podcast with her to discuss my new book[i] and the issue of Christian marriage counseling in general.
In the course of our conversation, we were tossing out some of the Scriptures that often tend to keep us bound to our abusers. Among them was “Love… keeps no record of wrongs’…” from I Corinthians 13:5 (NIV)
Natalie shared that, in her previous marriage, she would write down accounts of her husband’s abuses, but a day or two later, she would tear them up and throw them away as an exercise of faith by not “keeping a record of wrongs.” I had the opportunity to briefly explain that our English translations of this verse are painfully inaccurate, and there are times when a literal translation must take precedence to see a more accurate meaning – and the heart of God.
“Reformulating the Christian Marriage Counseling Model Where Abuse Is Involved” is now available on Amazon as a paperback and a Kindle e-book.
This book is a culmination of my experiences in the counseling environment coupled with the 12 years I have spent ministering to victims of abuse. I have heard countless stories from many who have been shamed, blamed, and ostracized by their Christian counselors, pastors, family members and believing friends for leaving their abusers or divorcing them.
But why?
It is painfully apparent that the common Christian marriage counseling model begins with a lack of biblical understanding when it comes to God’s heart for marriage, as well as His directives to identify genuinely wicked people in our midst and protect the innocent.
The book reveals how the entrenched belief that “God hates divorce” has resulted in a process that elevates the design to “save the marriage” above the safety of those being harmed. I will reveal the true meaning of this Scripture – and others. Sadly, as a result of this and other related teachings, quite often legalism reigns, compassion fails and the abuse continues.
“Reformulating the Christian Marriage Counseling Model Where Abuse Is Involved” takes in in-depth look at the common counseling model, identifies why the model fails when abuse has permeated the relationship, and presents a new model that utilizes processes and supports outcomes based on the truth that marriage is sacred, not merely in status, but in substance.
“Faced with the abuser’s lies and half-truths [in the counseling environment], a victim will almost always struggle to present her case – a case she would not feel pressured to make if she was removed from her abuser’s presence from the outset and placed in a safe environment where she is free to reveal anything and everything without fear.
“In a couples counseling setting, the victim will likely receive little, if any, actual counsel and emotional support that ministers to her. The ultimate objective of “saving the marriage” coupled with the goal of “helping” the abuser essentially leaves her on the sidelines.
“Her traumatic experiences and the wounds she carries as a result seem to be less of a concern. She feels compelled to remain in a relationship with someone she has no reason to trust laden with an obligation to be patient and prayerful, believing that restoration must surely lie somewhere in the distance. By default, what she wants or needs may well be deemed essentially irrelevant.
“This is wrong.”
The book will provide victims with insight as to what to look for in a counselor and the counseling process. Similarly, the book will benefit pastors, lay counselors, licensed counselors, and church leaders as well as Christian college and seminary faculty and instructors who are willing to look at the common Christian marriage counseling model and consider why it may fail and how it should be reformulated where abuse is involved.
Tim Yarbrough, President of Greengate Enterprises wrote:
“I have received and read through your latest book. What an incredible and much-needed analysis of the present model. As I shared with our circle of counselors and advocates here: “This book is not a challenge to the present model of counseling involving abuse – it is a much-needed frontal assault.” This will be required reading for all of those entering our local training. Thank you.”
The book is $14.95 as a paperback and $4.99 as an e-book. You can find it here.
“The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself. The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness; and the end of his talk is mischievous madness.” Ecclesiastes 10:12-13
King Solomon describes those who are swallowed up by their own folly, their own words betraying their “mischievous madness.” Perhaps you have witnessed what he so eloquently described.
It happens when your priorities finally shift, when holding your unhappy relationship together is replaced by a deepening determination to break free. But your abuser will realize he’s* losing his grip, and thus begins the next chapter in this ridiculous saga…
In my conversations with abuse victims, as I listen to them while they peel away layer after layer of marital heartbreak, there may come a point when I find myself engaged in an internal wrestling match, when I am thoroughly convinced that I need to use the dreaded “D” word, but I wonder: Is it okay for me to say it?
Perhaps you have finally chosen to make a dramatic life shift away from your abuser – to separate or divorce him.* Although some of your wounds have healed and many things have changed for the better, other aspects of your life may be more challenging than you expected, and there may be moments when you find yourself doubting the severity of your tumultuous history.
