Category Archives: Christianity

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, conflict, confusion, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, fear, manipulation, marriage, recovery

It’s All On You:  Part I and II

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trip-wire

“The integrity of the upright will guide them, but the crookedness of the treacherous will destroy them.”  Proverbs 11:3

Part I

Whenever there is something in your relationship with your abuser that needs to be fixed, undone, redone, created, accommodated, facilitated, or apologized for, just know that it’s on you to do it.

From early on, the abuser establishes a precedent that what he wants or needs is always, always the highest priority in the relationship.  It doesn’t take long for you, his target-victim, to figure out that stepping out of line in any area will incur his overt disapproval, punishment or wrath.  Once he succeeds in implanting a healthy measure of fear in you, the man will incrementally connect trip-wires to every aspect of your life.  You will surely feel the unbreakable tether of obligation, an excessive desire to please and an increasing weight of anxiety to do everything exactly right.  You will find yourself treading lightly and striving for perfection while an ungodly form of bondage takes root and begins to consume every aspect of your life.

From there, the abuser simply works to ratchet down your life further, increasingly limiting your freedom while adding to your level of responsibility, putting all of the pressure on you to keep the relationship alive, if you can call it that.  If things fall apart,  the responsibility for its demise will lie with you.  You will have failed.

It’s not just a tall order; it’s an impossible one.  By accepting his terms and conditions, you can expect your life to be built on ever-shifting sands of panic-borne hypersensitivity.  Grow accustomed to sleepless nights consistent with a burgeoning undercurrent of stress that will find you battling physical and emotional exhaustion.  That’s okay with him.  That is merely evidence of his power over you.

For a time – years maybe – you will work to convince yourself that you can manage it.  You will quickly adapt to his unspoken mantra – that it is on you to forfeit your needs to ensure that his are met.  Be careful not only of what you say but how you say it.  A poor turn of phrase  will cost you.  Your calendar is subject to his.   Even though you make plans with the understanding that he will take care of the kids, when he is suddenly invited to go golfing or decides he has something better to do, you must know that your plans are disposable.  His demanding, controlling, callous and demeaning ways must be accommodated at any and every expense – and by that I mean yours.

Your wants and needs don’t matter.  Remember that.

To survive, you must live a hyper-sensitive, even paranoid existence to avoid stumbling into any one of a thousand trip-wires he has connected to your life, affecting your friendships and familial relationships, your job, your finances, your social life and household responsibilities.  It is up to you to make sure he gets the privacy, quiet and attention he needs.  And when it comes to your love life, just make sure you are ready, willing and able when he is in the mood.  Make sure he is not expected to do anything he doesn’t want to  and that no dust rests where he doesn’t want to see it.

Don’t get sick because he doesn’t want to take care of you.  He may well resent you for slacking off and may even compel you to quit your sniffling, get out of bed and do all of the things he expects of you anyway.

Don’t miss one of his phone calls, and don’t arrive home later than expected or there will be hell to pay.  Know that he probably won’t like your friends or your family members.  He will not hide his disapproval, demand that you shun them, and will exude a toxic air should they come around to make sure they know they are unwelcome in your home and your life.

On the other hand, you are expected to put on a good show when people he wants to impress are around – his boss, his co-workers, his golf buddies, or church folks. Don’t do anything to make him look bad.  Don’t even think about telling him or anyone else that you are unhappy, because that will reflect badly on him, and he won’t have it.  You must never complain about anything in your life or infer that he isn’t doing enough, and never ask him for a favor. Whatever stress you bear in your life is yours alone to deal with – and is deserved, as far as he is concerned.  In fact, he probably wishes you were suffering more than you are.

It is on you to make sure that he is not unhappy or even inconvenienced.  It is on you to ensure that there is no drama.  It is on you to say only what he wants to hear and nothing he doesn’t.  Make sure you don’t disagree with him and God forbid that you should ever think about standing up for yourself.  Should you fail in any of these areas, when he explodes, it will be because you foolishly or unintentionally tripped one of those tiny little wires.

Then you can expect to hear him spewing, “If it wasn’t for you,” “This is all your fault,” or “You made me do it!”

So, I ask you:  Is it that you alone hold the power to keep him sane, or is it that he simply wields a totality of dictatorial power to make you feel that way?

The reality is that he has created an impossible scenario that keeps him at the center, compels you to conform to his will at every turn, holds you captive to constant fear, deprives you of your individuality and freedom, and then holds you responsible for his terrorizing.

Now that you know what he’s up to, cut the trip-wires – all of them – and get away from him.

In case you haven’t figured it out, that’s not love.  It’s abuse.

Part II

“He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both of them alike are an abomination to the Lord.”  Proverbs 17:15

When you get to the point where you cannot take it anymore and leave him, he will be all too happy to tell anyone who will listen that you abandoned him, you didn’t hold to your commitment, you let him down.  And people will surround him and console him and tell him that it wasn’t his fault.  Some people you thought you could count on will avoid you, or give you that sideways glance of disapproval, or may even come to you and tell you that he loves you, he wants you back and believes with his whole heart that your marriage can be saved.  And if you try to explain to those people how unbelievably cruel your relationship has been, they will look at you quizzically and urge you to forgive him and assure you that he wants to work things out.  Should you express any doubt about the legitimacy of his mindset, some will probably view you as unforgiving or downright selfish.

You may begin to wonder if you’re crazy and if you really haven’t done enough.  Don’t believe it for a second.  If you know in your heart that nothing has changed then, well, nothing has changed.  But, it will all be on you, and some people will not support you or decide not to be friends with you anymore and will speak ill of you behind your back.

With all of that put upon you, it will pretty amazing that you will somehow find the strength to survive the insanity of it all.  You will find the determination to get out in spite of the gossip and the pressure and your fears about the future because you know what is true and have decided that you are not going to live that way anymore.

And when the day finally comes that you find yourself free of the abuse, when you are breathing the free air and relishing the simple joy of contentment in your life, that’s all on you.

“For the arms of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord sustains the righteous.” Proverbs 37:17

Cindy Burrell

Copyright 2015, All Rights Reserved

 

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, conflict, divorce, domestic violence, faith, fear, marriage, misunderstood

“War Room” Is Unsuitable for Victims of Abuse

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[Spoiler Alert]

I stopped by the Christian bookstore the other day to look for some new reading material when I overheard a patron at the counter ask the store cashiers if they had seen the movie “War Room.”  They both happily responded in the affirmative.  Another gentleman browsing nearby immediately interjected that he liked it as well, jokingly commenting, “Submission is when a woman puts her head down so that God can hit her husband.”  And everyone within earshot laughed along with him.

Except me.  Because that trite little comment does not begin to resemble the truth.

My heart began pounding, and I so wanted to speak up and explain why “War Room” is potentially harmful to abuse victims.  But on they chattered, and rather than saying anything, I quickly bolted for the door.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

“Just what abuse victims need,” I screamed internally as I marched back to my car, “a Christian movie that imposes upon them one more burden of obligation to remain with their abuser.”

I had seen the movie and was very disappointed in it.  The film’s basic premise is that prayer grounded in truth is a powerful force for positive change.  Agreed.  Unfortunately, however, that premise is only a half-truth, for the other side of that truth is that God has given men free will.  All of the prayer in the world may not change the wicked – some who even call themselves believers – and we have a right and responsibility to protect the innocent and allow evildoers to reap what they have sown.

When Doug and I decided to go see the movie, I understood its emphasis to be on the power of prayer.  I personally delight in spending time with God in prayer, have seen Him work mightily through it, and at times having been privileged to hear His unmistakable, inaudible voice.  In that vein, I was hoping to be propelled to a higher plane of understanding and inspiration.  Although the film endeavored to make the case, as an abuse survivor, the primary plot of the film killed it for me.

The focus of the conflict in the film is a borderline abusive, potentially adulterous husband (Tony) whose Realtor wife (Elizabeth) is wrapped up in her own life, neglects her daughter and has no idea what to do to make their lives better until she “coincidentally” meets a godly, elderly woman named Clara who has hired Elizabeth to sell her home.  Elizabeth’s new client takes Elizabeth under her wing, mentors her spiritually, and encourages Elizabeth to make prayer a priority with the goal of reclaiming her home and her marriage.

Elizabeth takes the task seriously, emptying her closet of her clothes and worldly possessions to create a War Room where she can spend her private time immersed in Scripture without distraction and commence battle with an unseen enemy through prayer.  Elizabeth soon sees how she has neglected her young daughter and makes amends and necessary change.  Then a girlfriend sends Elizabeth a text message about seeing Elizabeth’s husband in an inappropriate situation with another woman.  So Elizabeth begins to pray.  Suddenly, a mysterious illness overtakes her out-of-town, adultery-minded husband, thwarting his obvious intentions.

When Tony returns home, Elizabeth doesn’t confront him or even seem shaken, when most of us would be overwhelmed with feelings of betrayal, brokenness and humiliation.  Even knowing that her husband may have been unfaithful in the past 24 hours, Elizabeth seemingly rises above it, acting like nothing has happened, as though she doesn’t know what she knows.

When Tony pointedly asks Elizabeth what she wants from him, obviously referencing their relationship, she thinks for a moment and then calmly tells him that what she really wants is a hot fudge sundae, going into ridiculous detail about mounds of vanilla ice cream coated in chocolate, smothered in whipped cream and topped by a cherry.  In spite of the audacity of it all, the audience joined in collective laughter.  Then Elizabeth adds that she would also love a foot massage, even as a look of sheer bewilderment crosses Tony’s face.

I was horrified.  So that’s how a believing woman in that situation is supposed to respond?  Don’t let him see you weeping from the pit of your soul when faced with heart-wrenching betrayal.  Just internalize all your pain.  Pretend everything is just fine.  Really?  Apparently, those who wrote the screenplay are wholly unacquainted with the immeasurable grief of infidelity.

Anyway, Tony is dumbfounded by Elizabeth’s strange response.  Yet Elizabeth keeps silent and maintains her commitment to pray.  What a woman!  Then, as some measure of perfectly timed divine justice, Tony is fired after it is discovered that he has been stealing pharmaceuticals from his employer.

Suddenly jobless and ashamed, Tony discovers Elizabeth’s prayer room, is suddenly awakened to the devotion of his wife, realizes how much he loves her and his daughter and tearfully repents.  Tony arrives home one day soon after and presents Elizabeth with a ginormous hot fudge sundae which brings her to tears.  Then she relishes her sundae on the sofa while her husband gives her a foot massage.  In spite of the rough days they face as a result of Tony’s job loss, their marriage is miraculously restored.

Right about then, as if he knew that I was beginning to feel sick, my husband leaned over to me and whispered, “We know it doesn’t always work out that way.”  I received his words and nodded in agreement but desperately wanted to cry, not just because of the years of torment my children and I had endured as a result of my acceptance of this same unbalanced belief system.  No, my heart was filled with a whole new measure of grief for all of the Christian women who had seen or would see the movie and find themselves bound to its debilitating half-truth.

When the movie was over, I quickly stood to leave, my heart heavy and hurting, while it seemed that those who remained until the very last credit had bought in. Like so many times before, when I have been in the presence of legalists and guilt-mongers, I felt alone and wounded and frustrated for others like me, those seemingly without a voice or a defender in the body of Christ.

I am certain that the writers and producers who worked on this film were convinced that their product would encourage people in struggling marriages to pursue prayer as powerful recourse and must assume they did not for one minute consider the film’s potentially damning outcome for victims of abuse.  I wonder if they would even acknowledge this tragic oversight, or would they, as the film insinuates, assert that a praying wife will without fail bring about heartfelt repentance and change in her abuser?  Such an assertion is grievously common but in clear defiance of the whole truth of the word of God.

Truly, as I left the theater that day, I wish I could have found the words and the courage to stand up and speak the truth in the presence of the entire audience.  But it seemed the majority was comfortable soaking up heavy doses of Saccharine-laden spirituality, and speaking up in that moment would not likely have helped my cause.

For all of the film’s good intentions, I so wish the writers had chosen some other powerful prayer opportunities to make their case.  As it is, I know from my own experience and spiritual vulnerability that abuse victims who don’t know better will watch that film and feel pressured to remain with their abusive spouses, to keep their secrets and pray harder and pretend, believing that, if they do it right, their abusers are destined to change.  And all the while their abusers smirk and take comfort in the reality that the church will almost always impose an ongoing expectation on their poor wives to accommodate the habitual sin, set aside their buckets of tears and wait for God to fix it.

Too many church people forget that this kind of spiritual denial and ignorance empowers the wicked among us.  The victims and their children suffer in the shadow of a silent church while it closes its eyes and ears to the injustice, condoning the abuse and the destruction of families from within.

When, I wonder, will a Christian film producer release a film that shines a light on the terrifying reality of abuse in “Christian” homes?  I’ve actually written a full-length screenplay based on the premise.  Do you think that maybe one of these days my phone will ring?   I would be pleasantly surprised, but in today’s “spiritually correct” culture I won’t be holding my breath.

Should you decide to see “War Room,” go armed with a full understanding of the movie’s glaring shortcomings and my husband’s timely words of wisdom:  “We know it doesn’t always work out that way.”

Cindy Burrell

Copyright 2015, All Rights Reserved

abuse, children, Christianity, dating, faith, loneliness, recovery, religion, remarriage

Avoiding Dating Disasters

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dating (1)After escaping my abusive marriage, it was quite some time before I could begin to see men with any measure of objectivity, for during the craziness that came with divorcing my abuser, I arrived at the convenient conclusion that all men were scum.  My new mantra was clear and simple, and it felt good to finally embrace what felt like truth.

Having two sons, though, I knew they need not be destined for such a fate, and after more than two years of intense counseling, there finally came a moment when the high stone wall of disillusionment began to weaken, giving way to the remotest possibility of genuine relationship, when a flicker of hope began to warm my wounded, distrusting heart.

But reentering the dating world is not an easy thing after coming out of a relationship based on the lowest common denominators.  I was admittedly terrified at the possibility of making another life-altering mistake that would affect not only me but my children.  I didn’t ever want to play the fool once again or spend even one more night crying myself to sleep.

I presumed, as many of us 40-ish folks do, that all the good ones were taken.  I also realized that the odds were slim that any God-fearing man in his right mind would spend more than ten minutes in the presence of a shell-shocked, forty-something woman with four equally emotionally damaged children.

Looking back, it certainly does seem miraculous that I survived the Christian dating minefield (which is an appropriate description) and eventually met the love of my life and married him a little over nine years ago.  Based on my second-time-around experience, I would like to offer abuse survivors contemplating re-entering the dating world some basic suggestions.  They have been cobbled together from my understanding of our enabling tendencies bolstered by the lessons I learned through the dating process.

There is no scientific basis for what I share, and this commentary is intended almost exclusively for women, as I believe that a woman’s profoundly unique inclinations to operate as nurturers and helpmates also tend to make us prime abuser-bait. So as you consider re-entering this realm, these are a few things I would urge you to remember.

  • Remember:  You need time to heal.  You may never heal completely, but you need to be sufficiently healthy and emotionally strong enough to recognize unsafe or unhealthy men and walk away from them without blinking.  There is no specific timeline for testing those waters; however, if you are dangerously fragile and are torn between jumping in or waiting a while longer, please wait.  Time for healing and a balanced measure of wholeness are important pursuits and should not be rushed. Furthermore, loneliness is a poor motivation and could leave you vulnerable.  You need to be okay by yourself before you can be okay with someone else.  
  • Remember the needs of your children. Make sure your home base is well-covered and that your children feel secure and are able to handle any additional time you are away from them.  Consider whether they are okay with the idea of you dating.  Keep their needs first in this process even if that means waiting.

With children in mind, I personally recommend meeting new people at a neutral, public location rather than your home, at least until you feel like the relationship may have some long-term potential, so that men are not going in and out of your children’s lives.  You don’t want them to get the impression that relationships are inherently temporary, nor do you want them to grow too attached to someone who may or may not remain in their lives.

  • Remember: You have already been through hell. If you don’t want to walk that road again, avoid the kind of man who will be more than happy to take you there.  Even if you know what kind of relationship you want, you may be attracted to something else, something familiar – and unsafe.  This is not a call to paranoia, but rather to caution, a reminder to be willing to see legitimate issues, as we – as recovering abuse victims – have been trained to rationalize away those waving red and yellow flags.
  • Remember: Be patient.  This is not a race, and you are not looking for any man’s attention, you are waiting for the right man’s attention.  Whether you choose to wait for an acquaintance to ask you out to lunch or you decide to join a dating website, try not to panic, push or rush things, and listen, listen, listen to your instincts.  Don’t feel any obligation to “make it work.”  If that is your attitude, you are likely headed down a very familiar and unhealthy path.
  • Remember:  You want a protector not a project.  Any man with whom you decide to spend some time should be emotionally and spiritually balanced and healthy.  He should be a gentleman, not a show-boater, someone who sees you and hears what you have to say. He should be someone who would clearly look out for your needs rather than merely seeking to meet his own.
  • Remember: Set your standards high and hold to them.  Just because a guy notices you does not necessarily make him worthy of your attention.  You are under no obligation whatsoever to “give a guy a chance.”  If there is something in his manner or attitude that makes you uncomfortable, don’t waste your time or his.  You’re better off saying, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

If you hear a familiar voice whispering, “Maybe this is as good as it gets,” then know you are being tempted to settle for far less than you want, need and deserve.

One guy with whom I had met for coffee called one afternoon to invite me to go swing dancing with him that evening.  I told him I didn’t particularly enjoy swing dancing and would rather not.  He curtly responded, “A confident woman is comfortable in any situation.”  I told him that was nice, but that I still wasn’t going swing dancing with him.  His attempt to shame me into going out with him told me everything I needed to know.  End of story.

  • Remember:  Go Slow.  If a guy you barely know invites you to dinner, arrives at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses and a box of chocolates and takes you an uptown French restaurant on a first date, he may well be expecting more than a good-night kiss at the end of the evening.  He may be assuming that, after a nice evening, you owe him.  So make it clear from the get-go that you can’t be bought, and you want to take it slow.  After all you have done to reclaim your life and your value, don’t be foolish enough to give it away.

It’s a good idea to meet for coffee, take a walk, go miniature golfing, hit a movie and generally keep it casual while you’re getting to know someone.  Spend time in a variety of situations to see how he responds to them – and to you.  One guy I dated was attentive when we were out together, but when we showed up to a party with his friends, he suddenly treated me like I was invisible, as though he was ashamed of me.  That was the real him.

With those basics in play, I’d like to offer some “dos” and “don’ts” worth considering. In no particular order, I recommend that you avoid dating a guy who…

  • Is married (even if he says he is getting a divorce)
  • Needs rescuing
  • Makes you uncomfortable
  • Makes you feel unimportant
  • Is inconsistent (hot one day and cold the next)
  • Is boastful
  • Is heavy on flattery
  • Can’t keep his hands off you
  • Doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer
  • Can’t seem to hold down a job
  • Can’t manage his finances
  • Plays an enabling role in his family
  • Has jerky friends – or no friends
  • Has an impossible dream
  • Has an impossible ego
  • Has a hot temper
  • Has an addiction
  • Has a foul mouth
  • Verbally “bashes” his former wife or girlfriends
  • Is eyeballing other women when he’s with you
  • Is disrespectful or flirtatious toward hostesses, servers and cashiers
  • Is chronically late
  • Is obsessed with you
  • Doesn’t give you eye contact, listen well or acknowledge you during conversation
  • Blames someone or something for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life
  • Doesn’t treat you with respect
  • Makes you cry

And, of course:  Don’t date a guy who reveals any abusive tendencies.  If for any reason he becomes demeaning, harsh, accusatory, possessive or manipulative, walk away and don’t look back.  (If you try to break things off, and he continues to harass you, that is a definite red flag.)

On the other hand, men with a solid history, good friends and a gentlemanly, positive attitude are a safer bet.  Don’t be afraid to spend some time with the guy who…

  • Sees time spent together as an investment in the relationship rather than a necessary evil
  • Is a good listener
  • Is a protector of you and others under his charge
  • Doesn’t need to be the center of attention
  • Doesn’t freak out about the cost of things or flaunt his wealth
  • Is respectful to you and everyone else he encounters
  • Understands the differences between men and women in a good way
  • Arrives on time to meet you or pick you up or calls to let you know if he’ll be a little late
  • Enjoys spending time with his family and friends – and yours
  • Has healthy hobbies, interests and outlets
  • Is not addicted – to alcohol, drugs, pornography, television or even technology
  • Can manage his money, his work, and his household
  • Looks you in the eye and responds sincerely during conversation
  • Can confess his life stresses without whining about them or blaming everyone else for them
  • Trusts you
  • Is confident without being cocky
  • Returns your phone call in a timely manner
  • Is conscious of your comfort level in unfamiliar situations
  • Doesn’t pressure you when he takes you home
  • Pays your way (or not, if that is more appropriate for the situation)
  • Can maturely and responsibly handle inconveniences or crises
  • Is interested in you as a person and not just your body; and
  • (As a believer), has a genuine, personal relationship with God, not just a church.
  • Remember: Protect your heart.  Just because a man pursues you does not mean you should let him catch you.  If your heart is screaming ‘no,’ listen.  And if your heart is encouraging you to say ‘yes,’ but something in your head is whispering ‘no’ (or vice versa), remember that you were misled once before.  Take a step back, try to be more objective and seek counsel from those who know him and/or you.  Or just give the relationship more time.  Don’t ignore or attempt to minimize any red or yellow flags. Don’t believe for one minute that you can help, fix or change him.  Just  walk away.
  • Remember: Be open to feedback.  If your friends and/or family are telling you that there is something wrong, listen.  The odds are good the people who love you see something to which your eyes may have been blinded.  If you find yourself defending him to others, there is almost certainly a problem that you are working too hard to overlook.  On the other hand, if people see someone genuine and emotionally healthy, then perhaps let it ride.
  • Remember: You don’t want or need a man. You want to share your life with one man – the right man, a man who will see you and prize you and love you for the rest of your life.  Pray for him.  Wait for him.  And if you don’t meet him, maybe it’s because the time isn’t right, or you are just fine all by yourself.  Being on your own is far better than feeling perpetually stressed, unhappy or emotionally neglected, living with someone who doesn’t truly love, enjoy and appreciate you.  And you might want to avoid kissing any frogs until you are pretty dang certain that there is a prince in there. 
  • Remember:  You don’t want to just be with someone you love; you want to be with someone with whom you are in love – someone who is also in love with you. I believe there is a profound difference.  I am not talking about obsession, which is unbalanced and unhealthy and controlling, but a love where there is connection, commonality and chemistry.  Wait for someone you know you want in your life for the rest of your life.

I am so glad I did.  I married my best friend, my confidante, my soul mate and the love of my life.  I wish nothing less for you.

Now it’s your turn.  Please feel free to offer some of your own insights and suggestions.

Copyright 2015, All Rights Reserved

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, confusion, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, fear, God's faithfulness, hostility, hypocrisy, manipulation, marriage, religion

Faith Was Never Meant to be an Add-On

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christiannametag

But to the wicked God says, “What right have you to tell of My statutes and to take My covenant in your mouth?  For you hate discipline, and you cast My words behind you.  When you see a thief, you are pleased with him, and you associate with adulterers. You let your mouth loose in evil and your tongue frames deceit.”  Psalm 50:16-19

I have no reason to believe that abusers are believers.  I view them as spiritual actors operating with one foot in the world and the other in the church, exploiting the perception of faith for the sake of image and self-protection.  Abusers choose to cleverly assume a false identity, claiming a title that brings with it a presumption of innocence, legitimacy and authority.  Presented with their good side, the unsuspecting are inclined to presume that the profession of faith is genuine.  We generously choose to give a fellow “believer” the benefit of the doubt.  To be sure, the image of faith carries with it many benefits, a presumption of positive moral standing, of good will and intent, of respectability.

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abuse, belief system, Christianity, conflict, confusion, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, fear, loneliness, manipulation, marriage, recovery

What Your Emotions Are Telling You

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SONY DSC

In her book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage,” author Leslie Vernick writes, “It’s crucial that you not lose your empathy and compassion even in a destructive marriage… 

One of the things that kills empathy and compassion for someone we once felt love is the buildup of negative emotions, especially resentment.”[i] 

I must assert from the get-go my strong disagreement with Mrs. Vernick’s basic operating premise that our “positive” emotions are to be embraced while our “negative” emotions should essentially be squelched.

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