Perhaps you have finally chosen to make a dramatic life shift away from your abuser – to separate or divorce him.* Although some of your wounds have healed and many things have changed for the better, other aspects of your life may be more challenging than you expected, and there may be moments when you find yourself doubting the severity of your tumultuous history.
Category Archives: confusion
But I Still Love Him
“But I still love him.”
Maybe you have said those words at one time or another. Even in the midst of the craziness, you have chosen to set aside your pain, wipe your tears and fervently proclaim in spite of everything he has said and done, “But I still love him.”
The words seem to stand alone, however “but” is a conjunction that connects and contrasts the first part of a sentence with the second. With this in mind, let’s consider what a complete sentence might sound like.
“He is controlling, mean and unpredictable… but I still love him.”
“He blames me for everything… but I still love him.”
“I feel lost, lonely and confused… but I still love him.”
“But I still love him…” They are words that connect real pain with patient optimism – generous measures of hope, devotion, determination and – let’s be honest – at least a small measure of denial.
If you were to set aside every excuse and rationale and be completely honest, how would you describe the man with whom you are sharing your life? Is he approachable, accepting and affectionate, kind, gracious and generous? Is he intrinsically safe? Or does he tend to be selfish, quick-tempered, controlling, manipulative and demanding?
The next question is: Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you fell in love with – the man you believe he could be?
Every victim whom I have ever asked that question has solemnly confessed that she loves the man she fell in love with, a man who seems to have mysteriously vanished and been replaced by a man she barely recognizes. Some who are willing to concede that he is failing as a husband at the moment prefer to hold to a more generous and optimistic perspective by adding, “But, he can also be charming and funny and affectionate. Sometimes I see that side of him, and that is the man I love.”
I understand completely. It is that occasional sighting of Dr. Jekyll* that convinces you that you can surely find a way to put up with Mr. Hyde until the good man you infrequently catch a glimpse of returns once and for all. Some women have held tightly to that hope for 30 or 40 years or more to finally discover that the man they loved lived only in their imagination. So I simply pray that God will help you discern the kind of man he really is one way or the other.
Dear reader, this is your life and your dilemma, and my desire is to simply to give you permission to be honest with yourself. I know it’s scary, because the truth may not be easy to accept or address.
Nevertheless, I will pose it to you once again: Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you believe he could be, but isn’t?
“[Love] does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth.” I Cor. 13:6
* The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson, (1886)
Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Selfish Giving
I was meeting up with my then-estranged husband at a local book store to transfer our son, Kyle, into his care so the two of them could spend the day together. Meandering through the aisles while awaiting his arrival, the man suddenly approached me with a basket of chocolate-covered strawberries in one hand and a big smile on his face.
Rather than feeling touched in any way, I felt kind of sick, but not knowing how to respond in the moment, I simply accepted the berries with gratitude. The man then tried to enter into small talk with me and ended by asking me if I would like to go out for lunch or coffee sometime. “No,” came the easy response, in spite of the gift I held in my hands and the fact that our son was observing the entire exchange. After a couple more awkward minutes, the man and our eldest son finally headed out the door.
That evening, my then-husband called again and tried to talk me into spending time with him. Not a chance. After calmly shutting him down from every angle, I closed with, “But thank you for the strawberries.”
“Whatever,” came his sarcastic reply, and immediately I thought to myself, “There it is.” I knew those blasted berries came with strings attached – some kind of obligation that I refused to accommodate. His plan had failed.
Since those days, I have heard and read similar stories and have known that this type of scenario represents a typical abuser strategy, but I didn’t know it had a name: Selfish giving.*
Selfish giving has the appearance of selflessness, generosity or genuine care, but when you’re in an abusive relationship, it is almost exclusively another form of self-serving manipulation. Selfish giving imposes an awkward pressure on the abuser’s victim to convey appreciation and – he hopes – an obligation to forgive any and all previous offenses and re-establish some degree of intimacy based on the perception of good will.
Selfish giving is simply another form of crazy-making designed to force you to let your guard down. Any failure to respond according to the abuser’s anticipated expectations gives him ammunition to paint you as selfish, unfeeling and ungrateful.
Unfortunately, gifts are the abuser’s cheap, easy substitute for legitimate repentance and change. But note…
- A truly changed man is willing to identify and apologize for specific things he has done to hurt you;
- A truly changed man recognizes that he alone is responsible for the changes he needs to make in his life;
- A truly changed man will respect your boundaries and your need for time and distance to heal; and
- A truly changed man is willing to acknowledge that his abusive history may have harmed the relationship beyond repair.
On the other hand, the unrepentant abuser believes a heart-warming gift will give the impression of genuine devotion and inspire renewed trust. The abuser’s motives do not reflect genuine goodness but rather pure, unadulterated selfishness.
So know that you don’t have to participate in his game.
I know it may feel strange to refuse his gifts, offers of help or other seemingly selfless gestures, but when you do, you are refusing to give him access to your life or your heart and depriving him of the power he seeks. You are setting an important boundary and letting him know that you will not risk jeopardizing your safety, peace and contentment for anyone – or anything.
“Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.” Proverbs 22:5
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For more on this subject, you might want to check out “Lessons In Crazy-Making.”
*The dynamic was referenced by a commenter on another blog.
Abusers may be of either gender; however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male. For the sake of simplicity, the abuser is referenced here in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved
Ask Yourself One All-Important Question
Jesus said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” John 8:32
Freedom is what Jesus came to offer us in all of its fullness, and that freedom is built upon a singular foundation: truth.
That is why this incredibly powerful bible verse serves as the very heartbeat of what I do, whether in my writings or my one-on-one work with abuse victims. For those in any form of spiritual bondage – held captive to lies, fear, confusion, shame or loss, freedom is the ultimate reward of seeing and fully embracing the truth, whatever it may be. Continue reading Ask Yourself One All-Important Question
The Trauma of Betrayal
“For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, then I could bear it; nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide myself from him. But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend…” Psalm 55:12-13
Betrayal.
I’m almost certain that the majority of those who read this have at one time or another experienced the trauma of betrayal, a moment when someone you trusted broad-sided you, leaving a cavernous wound on your heart – the gravest kind of wound, the kind of wound that may never really heal completely. It is a wound that has changed the way you see people and perhaps even made you cynical as to whom you may be willing to trust going forward and to what degree.
You didn’t do anything to deserve what that person did to you, but he or she did it anyway. Your trust was so steady that you didn’t see it coming, never imagined for a moment that your spouse or friend or family member was capable of inflicting such pain without flinching, without remorse, without regret.
The knowledge of what that person did produced – and may still incite – an ongoing and perhaps overwhelming burden of grief, doubt or even despair.
Yet even as you try to move on and live as though the matter has been addressed, the secret burden remains, and you may even feel guilty or wonder whether you have become bitter because you can’t seem to shake it, can’t figure out a way to get past it. The traumatic event is replayed over and over again in your mind, as you try to reconcile what you experienced with what you believed.
Then there are those who will tell you, “It’s time to get over it. Forgive as Christ forgave you. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. Seventy times seven.” But those easily offered platitudes may do nothing to explain what transpired or do anything to help heal the wound.
No doubt you have tried to let it go and move on. But the question haunts you: Why? Did your offender betray you out of selfishness or resentment or envy? Did you unintentionally offend them in some manner that could justify their decision to come against you so cruelly? Did your relationship mean so little that sacrificing your heart to their will constituted a moment of pleasure or victory for them?
Those of you who have been betrayed may never really understand why it happened. But the bottom line is that you were betrayed. And although your offender’s actions were a reflection of their character, not yours, the questions remain: How can you fully trust anyone ever again? How can you keep from being blindsided the next time? How will the wound ever heal?
I believe the answers lie in time and truth.
Time: No one – and I mean no one – can tell you how long you are allowed to grieve such a deep wound. That is between you and God. And grieving requires acknowledging:
- the one who inflicted the wound;
- the possibility that your offender may never be safe for you;
- the depth of the pain associated with the event itself; and
- (perhaps most importantly and the most difficult part of all); an understanding that neither your offender nor the offense committed against you hold the power to define you.
It may take time – a great deal of time – but I know that every one of us has an opportunity as well as the privilege and God-given authority to relinquish our identity as a victim and walk in our identity as a victor. And, yes, ultimately it will be to your benefit to forgive your offender. Doing so does not obligate you to return to relationship but simply releases you from the unhealthy bond you have with that person.
Truth: I think it is important to acknowledge that our Lord understands betrayal. He was betrayed too, not only by Judas, but by each one of us at one time or another. And He saw it all – everything that happened to you. He knows full well the weight of the grief you carry.
Identifying the truth in your life also means seeing past the person you thought your offender was and seeing more clearly the nature of his or her heart and motives, whatever they may be. Perhaps that person has acknowledged what happened and apologized. But only you know whether that apology was sincere and whether it justifies the risk of entering into relationship again. Trust your instincts and measure the risk, no matter what anyone else imposes upon you as your obligation.
Ultimately, the truth is that you may never receive the kind of resolution you seek with the one who inflicted that terrible wound, but you can receive healing from the nail-scarred hands of the ultimate Healer and walk in the victory and peace He has already secured for you. That is what I would wish and hope for – for all who know the trauma and heartache of betrayal.
“As for me, I shall call upon God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice. He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle against me…” Psalm 55:16-18a
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You might also want to read, “The Truth About Reconciliation.”
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved