“For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, then I could bear it; nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide myself from him.  But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend…”  Psalm 55:12-13

Betrayal.

I’m almost certain that the majority of those who read this have at one time or another experienced the trauma of betrayal, a moment when someone you trusted broad-sided you, leaving a cavernous wound on your heart – the gravest kind of wound, the kind of wound that may never really heal completely.  It is a wound that has changed the way you see people and perhaps even made you cynical as to whom you may be willing to trust going forward and to what degree.

You didn’t do anything to deserve what that person did to you, but he or she did it anyway.  Your trust was so steady that you didn’t see it coming, never imagined for a moment that your spouse or friend or family member was capable of inflicting such pain without flinching, without remorse, without regret.

The knowledge of what that person did produced – and may still incite – an ongoing and perhaps overwhelming burden of grief, doubt or even despair.

Yet even as you try to move on and live as though the matter has been addressed, the secret burden remains, and you may even feel guilty or wonder whether you have become bitter because you can’t seem to shake it, can’t figure out a way to get past it.  The traumatic event is replayed over and over again in your mind, as you try to reconcile what you experienced with what you believed.

Then there are those who will tell you, “It’s time to get over it.  Forgive as Christ forgave you.  Remember that love covers a multitude of sins.  Seventy times seven.”  But those easily offered platitudes may do nothing to explain what transpired or do anything to help heal the wound.

No doubt you have tried to let it go and move on.  But the question haunts you: Why? Did your offender betray you out of selfishness or resentment or envy?  Did you unintentionally offend them in some manner that could justify their decision to come against you so cruelly?  Did your relationship mean so little that sacrificing your heart to their will constituted a moment of pleasure or victory for them?

Those of you who have been betrayed may never really understand why it happened.  But the bottom line is that you were betrayed.  And although your offender’s actions were a reflection of their character, not yours, the questions remain:  How can you fully trust anyone ever again? How can you keep from being blindsided the next time?  How will the wound ever heal?

I believe the answers lie in time and truth.

Time:  No one – and I mean no one – can tell you how long you are allowed to grieve such a deep wound.  That is between you and God.  And grieving requires acknowledging:

• the one who inflicted the wound;
• the possibility that your offender may never be safe for you;
• the depth of the pain associated with the event itself; and
• (perhaps most importantly and the most difficult part of all); an understanding that neither your offender nor the offense committed against you hold the power to define you.

It may take time – a great deal of time – but I know that every one of us has an opportunity as well as the privilege and God-given authority to relinquish our identity as a victim and walk in our identity as a victor.  And, yes, ultimately it will be to your benefit to forgive your offender.  Doing so does not obligate you to return to relationship but simply releases you from the unhealthy bond you have with that person.

Truth: I think it is important to acknowledge that our Lord understands betrayal.  He was betrayed too, not only by Judas, but by each one of us at one time or another.  And He saw it all – everything that happened to you.  He knows full well the weight of the grief you carry.

Identifying the truth in your life also means seeing past the person you thought your offender was and seeing more clearly the nature of his or her heart and motives, whatever they may be.  Perhaps that person has acknowledged what happened and apologized.  But only you know whether that apology was sincere and whether it justifies the risk of entering into relationship again.  Trust your instincts and measure the risk, no matter what anyone else imposes upon you as your obligation.

Ultimately, the truth is that you may never receive the kind of resolution you seek with the one who inflicted that terrible wound, but you can receive healing from the nail-scarred hands of the ultimate Healer and walk in the victory and peace He has already secured for you.  That is what I would wish and hope for – for all who know the trauma and heartache of betrayal.

“As for me, I shall call upon God, and the Lord will save me.  Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice.  He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle against me…”  Psalm 55:16-18a

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You might also want to read, “The Truth About Reconciliation.”

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

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