Category Archives: fear

abuse, belief system, betrayal, biblical divorce, conflict, confusion, controlling abuse, cruelty, divorce, emotional abuse, faith, fear, humiliation, hypocrisy, judgment, marriage, perfectionism, shame, trauma

He Really Believes…

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In my conversations with abuse victims, the above phrase is something I can typically expect to hear.

It begins with “He* really believes…” and ends with:

…his way is the right way.

…I’m the one with the problem.

…I don’t understand him.

…I should just trust him.

…he is justified in treating me the way he does.

…I’m a lousy wife.

Does he really believe those things?  If he does, then to my way of thinking, there are only two options.  Either: 1) he is painfully delusional, or 2) he is doing everything in his power to convince you that he believes those things of you.

Why would he do that?

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abuse, Christianity, conflict, confusion, faith, fear, leaving an abuser, loneliness, marriage, recovery, wisdom

Maybe It Wasn’t That Bad

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Perhaps you have finally chosen to make a dramatic life shift away from your abuser – to separate or divorce him.*  Although some of your wounds have healed and many things have changed for the better, other aspects of your life may be more challenging than you expected, and there may be moments when you find yourself doubting the severity of your tumultuous history.

Continue reading Maybe It Wasn’t That Bad →

abuse, belief system, betrayal, Christianity, conflict, controlling abuse, cruelty, denial, disrespect, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, family dysfunction, fear, leaving an abuser, manipulation, neglect, truth, unsafe home

“I’ve Changed”

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“I’ve changed.”

Such are the easy words of an abuser.

It may feel good to hear them, and you want to believe them.  But what, if anything, has changed, and why?

Did your abuser confess the many, specific ways he* failed?  Did he admit to being a selfish, vindictive, manipulative micro-manager?  Did he concede that he wronged you in a thousand ways and humbly confess that he is horrified and grieved by the way he treated you and the cruel things he said to make you feel worthless?  Did he offer to separate to allow you room to grieve and heal while he works on the issues that he needs to address?

Or did he speak in vague generalities, rationalize his history, expect you to trust him and be patient with him on those occasions when he inadvertently fails again?  After all, you can’t expect perfection…

“I’ve changed” means he is not the person he was before.  There is no such thing as changing without changing.

Since time reveals truth, it probably won’t be long before you know whether he has actually changed – or not.  If he hasn’t, you are still living with an abuser, he is still abusing you, and it’s still wrong.

Words matter.  Or they should.

(*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)

Copyright 2020, All Rights Reserved

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

abuse, Christianity, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, leaving an abuser, loneliness, marriage, shame

Two Lifetimes

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Sometimes it feels as though I have lived two profoundly different lifetimes.

Many years ago, I lived as one unloved, unseen and unappreciated, fearful and confused, trying to please someone who would not be pleased.  Loneliness hung heavy over me.  The wounds were deep, and the pain was crippling.

But, the day came when God set me free, and He began to whisper to me, reminding me of who I am – and whose I am.  The truth is that He had been trying to speak to me for a long time, but I wasn’t listening.  My pride was in the way.

I finally left that ungodly life behind.  It was not an easy journey to find freedom and peace, but it was well worth the effort.  And in time a new life with a new love began.  Rather than feeling inadequate or fearful, I am adored and appreciated.  I am not viewed as a pest, but as a priority.  My husband is my protector, my provider, and my best friend.

I remember well that old, dark life, but now it feels like another lifetime.

It was.

If you sense God calling you out of the darkness and into His marvelous light, listen.  It may be that He has a whole new life out there waiting for you, too.

“…hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption.” Psalm 130:7

abuse, belief system, betrayal, Christianity, conflict, confusion, denial, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, marriage

But I Still Love Him

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“But I still love him.”

Maybe you have said those words at one time or another.  Even in the midst of the craziness, you have chosen to set aside your pain, wipe your tears and fervently proclaim in spite of everything he has said and done, “But I still love him.”

The words seem to stand alone, however “but” is a conjunction that connects and contrasts the first part of a sentence with the second.  With this in mind, let’s consider what a complete sentence might sound like.

“He is controlling, mean and unpredictable… but I still love him.”

“He blames me for everything… but I still love him.”

“I feel lost, lonely and confused… but I still love him.”

“But I still love him…”  They are words that connect real pain with patient optimism – generous measures of hope, devotion, determination and – let’s be honest – at least a small measure of denial.

If you were to set aside every excuse and rationale and be completely honest, how would you describe the man with whom you are sharing your life?  Is he approachable, accepting and affectionate, kind, gracious and generous?  Is he intrinsically safe?  Or does he tend to be selfish, quick-tempered, controlling, manipulative and demanding?

The next question is:  Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you fell in love with – the man you believe he could be?

Every victim whom I have ever asked that question has solemnly confessed that she loves the man she fell in love with, a man who seems to have mysteriously vanished and been replaced by a man she barely recognizes.  Some who are willing to concede that he is failing as a husband at the moment prefer to hold to a more generous and optimistic perspective by adding, “But, he can also be charming and funny and affectionate.  Sometimes I see that side of him, and that is the man I love.”

I understand completely.  It is that occasional sighting of Dr. Jekyll* that convinces you that you can surely find a way to put up with Mr. Hyde until the good man you infrequently catch a glimpse of returns once and for all.  Some women have held tightly to that hope for 30 or 40 years or more to finally discover that the man they loved lived only in their imagination.  So I simply pray that God will help you discern the kind of man he really is one way or the other.

Dear reader, this is your life and your dilemma, and my desire is to simply to give you permission to be honest with yourself.  I know it’s scary, because the truth may not be easy to accept or address.

Nevertheless, I will pose it to you once again:  Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you believe he could be, but isn’t?

“[Love] does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth.”  I Cor. 13:6

* The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson, (1886)

Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com