Category Archives: judgment

abuse, belief system, betrayal, biblical divorce, conflict, confusion, controlling abuse, cruelty, divorce, emotional abuse, faith, fear, humiliation, hypocrisy, judgment, marriage, perfectionism, shame, trauma

He Really Believes…

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In my conversations with abuse victims, the above phrase is something I can typically expect to hear.

It begins with “He* really believes…” and ends with:

…his way is the right way.

…I’m the one with the problem.

…I don’t understand him.

…I should just trust him.

…he is justified in treating me the way he does.

…I’m a lousy wife.

Does he really believe those things?  If he does, then to my way of thinking, there are only two options.  Either: 1) he is painfully delusional, or 2) he is doing everything in his power to convince you that he believes those things of you.

Why would he do that?

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abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, church denial, conflict, confusion, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, family dysfunction, judgment, marriage, religion, remarriage, unsafe home

The Dreaded “D” Word

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In my conversations with abuse victims, as I listen to them while they peel away layer after layer of marital heartbreak, there may come a point when I find myself engaged in an internal wrestling match, when I am thoroughly convinced that I need to use the dreaded “D” word, but I wonder:  Is it okay for me to say it?

Will the hurting soul on the other end of the phone freak out if I dare to mention divorce? Will she be able to even consider it?  Or will she feel obligated to tune me out based upon a supposition that I must be either ignorant of biblical teachings or shockingly flippant about marriage in general?

Once spoken, the word hangs heavily in the air.  For the terrible reality is that most of us have been indoctrinated to believe that the One who created marriage is unmoved by those who suffer in it, that hurting spouses will surely offend the Almighty and may expect to be abandoned by Him should they end their disastrous marriages.  Succumbing to divorce may bring with it a presumption of a shallow faith, marital laziness or even blatant disobedience.  No one wants that.

So as a sincere act of devotion to God, many flatly refuse to consider divorce as an option – period – committing instead to praying for their wayward spouse, striving to do all the right things, and proving their worth with the hope of earning their abusers’ love.  They live with a pained belief that restoration must surely be within reach. Holding on is the only acceptable option when it is presumed that God hates divorce.

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abuse, belief system, Christianity, domestic violence, enabling, faith, hypocrisy, judgment, marriage, religion

Judge Not?

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Many of us have been taught that, as believers, we are not to judge lest we be judged.  The inference is that judging others is always wrong.  If we don’t want to find ourselves judged, we should not judge anyone else.  Ever.

It almost seems right, but it is a twisting of the truth, and it is little sound-bites like these that often hold us captive, leading us to believe that we have no right to scrutinize others’ character or to identify wicked people among us, particularly those who claim to be fellow believers.   Are we really called to accommodate the wicked living in our homes and serving in our churches for fear of being deemed judgmental? Continue reading Judge Not? →