Category Archives: leaving an abuser

abuse, Christianity, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, leaving an abuser, loneliness, marriage, shame

Two Lifetimes

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Sometimes it feels as though I have lived two profoundly different lifetimes.

Many years ago, I lived as one unloved, unseen and unappreciated, fearful and confused, trying to please someone who would not be pleased.  Loneliness hung heavy over me.  The wounds were deep, and the pain was crippling.

But, the day came when God set me free, and He began to whisper to me, reminding me of who I am – and whose I am.  The truth is that He had been trying to speak to me for a long time, but I wasn’t listening.  My pride was in the way.

I finally left that ungodly life behind.  It was not an easy journey to find freedom and peace, but it was well worth the effort.  And in time a new life with a new love began.  Rather than feeling inadequate or fearful, I am adored and appreciated.  I am not viewed as a pest, but as a priority.  My husband is my protector, my provider, and my best friend.

I remember well that old, dark life, but now it feels like another lifetime.

It was.

If you sense God calling you out of the darkness and into His marvelous light, listen.  It may be that He has a whole new life out there waiting for you, too.

“…hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption.” Psalm 130:7

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, children, Christianity, church denial, conflict, disrespect, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, God's faithfulness, hypocrisy, leaving an abuser, marriage, religion, shame, trauma, wisdom

Wisdom in the Counsel of Many?

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“Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.”  Proverbs 15:22

We know there is wisdom in the counsel of many.  Even in the midst of overwhelming heartache and confusion, we may have some vague idea of what we want or need to do, but out of a sincere desire to do the right thing, we prefer to secure a measure of validation from others before we proceed.

Unfortunately, when dealing with an abusive spouse, some of our most well-meaning advisers may offer up various measures of godly-sounding legalism rather than the kind of balanced, practical support that the one living in the cross-hairs of an abuser desperately needs.

Continue reading Wisdom in the Counsel of Many? →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, church denial, conflict, denial, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, leaving an abuser, marriage, recovery, trauma

Trusting Your Instincts

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If you have followed me for any period of time or read some of my articles, you may know that I encourage those in abusive relationships to trust their instincts, to listen to what their hearts – and the Spirit of God – are saying to them.  Please forgive what may be redundant for some of you, as I share an important message with those who may need it.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way the value of listening to that Voice above all others – even my own.  As a believer in Jesus and the living God who sent Him, I believe that our instincts are absolutely connected to the presence of the Spirit moving in our lives.  Yet how often do we choose to diminish, ignore or override what we sense to be right or wrong?  The issue is whether we are willing to live our lives without apology in the light of an uncomfortable truth or choose instead to defer – even with the best of intentions – to other, lesser voices.

Continue reading Trusting Your Instincts →

abuse, biblical divorce, Christianity, conflict, confusion, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, hypocrisy, leaving an abuser, manipulation, reconciliation, religion

“I’m Trying”: Setting the Stage for Failure

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crossed fingersAfter separating from my abusive husband, I made it clear that I would not live with him unless and until his attitudes and behaviors changed dramatically.  After a couple of weeks of listening to him whine and complain about my unrealistic expectations, he suddenly entered Alcoholics Anonymous and seemingly found the will to turn his life around.

His overall demeanor took on a hue that appeared consistent with heartfelt repentance and a drastic change of character.  It seemed he had miraculously been awakened from his toxic stupor.  The nasty man was all at once the happy-go-lucky guy who forthrightly apologized to me and our kids for his hostile behaviors and failings.  Suddenly he wanted to play with our kids at the park and seemed more sensitive and respectful toward me.  He spoke in positive, glowing terms and seemed wholly committed to the follow-through to save our marriage and our family.  The man passionately assured me that our dark days were behind us. Continue reading “I’m Trying”: Setting the Stage for Failure →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, conflict, confusion, divorce, emotional abuse, faith, fear, God's faithfulness, hostility, hypocrisy, Jesus, leaving an abuser, marriage, religion

Love Your Enemies?

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“You have heard it was said,‘love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Matthew 5:43-44

man physically abusing his girlfriend

This is a powerful verse that is often used to compel victims of abuse to remain with their abusers. The pretense is that no matter how we are treated or by whom, we are called to love and pray for those who persecute us.

But is that what Jesus is really saying? I don’t think so. Continue reading Love Your Enemies? →