No list holds the power to change a person’s heart.
It finally arrives – the heartbreaking yet liberating moment when you simply cannot live the lie for one more minute. The loneliness, shame and exhaustion can no longer be rationalized or minimized. There is nothing left to sort out or piece together or hope for, and you finally break through the wall of dysfunction you had foolishly accepted as normal. And you leave.
As the first days pass, you find yourself moving tenuously through the haze of disillusionment and exhaustion and catching a glimpse of clear sky, relishing every breath of free air and then falling into bed at night in peace. If you are lucky, in the abuser’s absence, the numbness of soul to which you have become accustomed gives way, and you find yourself savoring the joys of a few days, hours or minutes free of constant fear and confusion.
Unfortunately, it will not be long before your sweet respite is interrupted. Your abuser is not done yet. He shows up on your doorstep and leaves countless messages on your phone. He might arrive at your workplace, send flowers, bring gifts and make every promise imaginable. He insists he has been awakened to the truth and is intent on securing any opportunity to prove himself. So he asks, “What can I do to assure you of my love, to earn your trust and prove my sincerity? Name it.”
Those are dangerous words. He wants your checklist.
It is tempting to offer one. How many nights have you lain awake strategizing how you might reach his angry, calloused heart and get him to see you, to cherish you?
“Maybe this is it,” you say to yourself. “Maybe he has finally reached a point where he can hear me.”
It feels like an open door, a precious opportunity to set the stage for real healing and change. You feel confident, even eager presenting him with your checklist because he has evoked a genuine desire to make things right. You put it out there, believing that you are giving him some helpful direction, maybe even inspiration. You might insist on counseling, treatment for his addiction(s), corrections to his irresponsible spending, acknowledgement of and elimination of his abusive behavior. You might also ask that he help more with household responsibilities or give you more freedom to pursue your interests.
Only these many years later can I see the absurdity of enduring however many years of abuse, and then handing the abuser a short list of concessions he must make to get things back to what he considers normal. Step back for a moment, and you can see that his request of you at once infers that he is mystified as to what the issues are and how he has hurt you. If he is counting on you to explain to him what he needs to change, then in his mind, he doesn’t need to change anything. And your willingness to offer him a checklist is accepted as a promise that you are willing to reconcile with him as soon as those line items are checked off.
No problem.
As well-trained enablers, we almost always fail to realize that the checklist is a trap, a teaser in the abuser’s game, and many of us are drawn in. We continue to act on the premise that relationship is the mutual goal. Not so for the abuser. Remember: he wants control.
So what we see as a solemn opportunity to restore genuine relationship is to the abuser a trivial matter of a few small hurdles, temporary obligations, or just another opportunity to perfect his art of manipulation. The checklist becomes the very mortar the abuser will use to rebuild the walls that held you captive.
Go to counseling? Sure. Several weeks later, the counselor has bought in to the abuser’s “sincere” efforts, and the victim has lost her voice. In fact, she is probably under the gun now for being slow to forgive or accommodate him. Nothing has changed, but he has fulfilled the mandate.
Check.
Get treatment for his addictions. He goes to meetings and expresses confidence in his progress, but there will be occasional lapses. What do you expect – perfection? To be encouraging, you commend him for his progress believing his addictive tendencies will decline over time, but only time will tell.
Check.
At first, his commitment seems admirable, even believable. And you may optimistically give him more credit than he is due. Not only that, but many of your checklist demands are subjective and can be molded and twisted in a manner that can be accepted as a good effort. Speaking cruelly to you or your children? That’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it? Perhaps you’re overreacting again or expecting too much in too short of a time period. In no time, he will have found a way to document some measure of success in every area you asked.
Check. Check. Check.
If you’re a strong one, maybe you can resist the tearful pleas of your children who want daddy to come home, and remain a little skeptical when his friends and family members remind you of how hard he is trying. You do not have the measure of peace you need to consider reconciling. That is when the checklist becomes his tool and your enemy.
“I’ve done everything you’ve asked,” he reminds you. “What more can you possibly expect from me? You are being unfair to me. Don’t you want to save our marriage? Why are you doing this to our children?” And the pressure is on.
Has he really changed? No. But you have set yourself up for Checklist Blackmail. The abuser will use the checklist you gave him to contain and define and limit the scope of necessity in the relationship. Your checklist leaves the intangible, immeasurable substance of his character immutable.
Even though the abuser has met the obligations, you still feel unsafe. To his way of thinking, that’s your problem. Should you refuse to receive him, he will emotionally pummel you with the checklist you gave him and angrily affirm your response as proof that you are absolutely unreasonable, overly demanding and even cruel. You have put yourself between a rock and a hard place – and your abuser knows it.
Just say ‘no’ to the checklist. No list holds the power to change a person’s heart. If you leave your abuser, and he tells you he wants to change, to make things right; let him. He’s a grown-up. Let him go get counseling on his own and figure out what needs to do to get healthy without harassing you or promising you the moon or extracting agreements or timelines from you.
While he does his share of the work (I write with great skepticism), you can take some time to educate yourself about the abuse dynamic and focus on your healing – not on his. If one day he shows up on your doorstep, accepts full responsibility for all of his cruelties, humbly seeks your forgiveness, seeks help of his own volition and agrees to leave you alone and honor your need for time and space and room to heal without limits…then there might be a basis for entertaining the remote possibility of reconciliation.
From what I have witnessed in my dealings with abusers, they prefer the game of Checklist Blackmail. Don’t play. It is just one more game you simply cannot win.
Though you pound a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his foolishness will not depart from him. Proverbs 27:22
Cindy Burrell
Copyright 2013, All Rights Reserved
Oh, how true this all is. Today is my one year anniversary of taking my 10 children and leaving an abusive marriage of 26 years. One whole year! And yes, you are spot on. My hands are full simply taking care of my children and myself, I don’t need the added responsibility of defining for my husband what he should do and then monitoring the checklist for compliance on his part. Well written.
Dear “Joyful.”
I don’t know why I wasn’t notified of your comment months ago, and I want to apologize for not responding. I’m usually very thorough about that. I hope you are doing well and appreciate your taking the time to share and offer your feedback.
Let me know if there is other information you might need in your journey. I will do what I can go help.
All the best,
Cindy
I really needed to see this NOW. I was in a long term marriage but now separated from my abusive husband. It’s been six months. I have experienced every single moment you detailed. This article gives me the courage to continue my healing process and to allow him to do the same. He is a grown man, and he doesn’t need me to hold his hand into recovery, IF he so chooses. To say that no list holds the power to change a person’s heart is very profound. I will keep that close to my own heart. Thank you.
Checklists don’t work. The abuser’s heart must change…unfortunately I think it is like Voldermort’s heart, he has to really get what he did and be really sorry and want to make amends.
Spot on! I’m at the six month separation point (for the second time) and he is trying to sweet talk his way in, I know the list request is probably next. Thank you for validating the “no” that is forming in my head already. I bookmarked this page so I can re-read when the request comes. I’m scared, I want the best for my kids and I. THANK YOU!
Hello, Vicki.
I am happy to hear from you, but very sorry about the situation you find yourself in. As you can probably tell, I’ve been there and done that.
Don’t be scared – get strong. I encourage you to read another of my blog pieces entitled, “Leaving an Abuser: What to Expect and How to Stay Grounded.”
Link here: http://cindyburrell.wordpress.com/?s=Leaving+An+Abuser
I think it is my most-read post up to this point in time, probably because separation creates a whole new dynamic. If you don’t know what to expect and what to watch for and how to respond, you will probably get sucked in. I did the first time around, too. I hope this helps.
Another one (if you’re interested) is “Understanding the Difference Between Compliance and Change.” Most abusers know how to play the game, they profess change, but it is all a show, a game they have to win. This may help.
Link here: http://cindyburrell.wordpress.com/?s=Compliance+and+Change
Feel free to get in touch with me if there is other information you are looking for. I will do what I can to help.
Thank you for taking the time to share. I so appreciate knowing that this piece was of benefit to you.
Cindy
Thank you, Cindy, for sharing that. I have not left yet, it is a very scary process as I have no job, no family nearby (10 hrs away) and feel stuck! But I am thankful for your resources. God bless you.
MicroGal – Praying for you. I’m in the same situation and when it comes to family, although they live far away; I can’t trust them either … narcissism is thriving … I am grateful for ministries like Cindy’s that have clarified Scripture as to ‘the permanence view of marriage’ … I’ve filed for legal separation but am doubting myself and exhausted as to what the future holds — keep praying that God will restore the terrible damage that has already been done to my adult children who have turned against me:-(
Praying for you, Anonymous. My heart hurts for you. My children are still young, but I fear what their father will do and how he will use and manipulate them. My prayer has been that God would end this narcissistic cycle, the infidelity cycle, the abuse cycle (yes, all 3 are present in my husband’s messed up family) with my husband and it would NOT be passed on to my children. May God protect you, strengthen you, uphold you and carry you.
Hello, MicroGal.
I am glad that you found the website and are joining in the discussion. Dear woman, I want to tell you that narcissistic abusers are not interested in change. All of us as enablers believe that if we just get it right that our abuser will change, that he wants relationship. He doesn’t. He wants control. I don’t want to give you any false hope that your prayers will change him. Nor can you expect that your children will be unaffected by living in a dysfunctional environment. You cannot protect them from the effects of abuse in your household, no matter how hard you try. I know this is probably hard to receive, but I pray you will hear me in this. I’ve been where you are.
I hope you will peruse the website, take the abuse assessment and consider getting my book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” I am confident it will open your eyes to the reality of the abuse dynamic – and the role that you play in it. I want you to know the truth – for the truth will set you free.
Cindy
Hello, Bev.
Do not be discouraged. The normalcy bias to which your children have become accustomed shields them from a painful truth. It is up to you to live your life in the light of truth, to be willing to stand up for what you know is right even in the face of rejection and criticism. If they are to see the truth and recover from their own experiences, they need someone to set the example – and that will be you.
I know it doesn’t seem fair – to put up with so much and then finally break free and then be condemned for it. I’ve been there.
You can do this. God will give you His wisdom and strength as you move through this painful season.
I’ll be praying for you.
Cindy
Thank your for your kind comment and prayers. I’m grateful that the Lord has led me to praying saints via the internet. What a gracious and merciful God.
This was exactly what I needed tonight. Tomorrow I go back to court to address the contempt issues that we have had to bring in our on-going custody and separation battle. We have definitely been living in a “checklist marriage,” and I thought I was helping; but it never gets better. I have begun to put my foot down that the trouble is not with giving him a specific list of things that he needs to improve on, but that he needs personal responsibility and a change of character.
I have been fortunate that our counselor sees right through him (first one in almost half a dozen counselors in 15 years), and that he still holds him to task, but in three months, we haven’t gotten anywhere. It’s still a list of rules, each week a new addition. He doesn’t follow them even though he agrees to them; and then he uses them as weapons against me, claiming that I belittle everything he does so there is no way to please me.
Thank you for the encouragement that drawing my boundaries is the right approach, and that I am doing what is best for myself and my children.
Hello, Wendy.
I am glad that you found the website and that the information we provide here will be practical and useful to you. You are blessed to have found a counselor who “gets it.” Be strong and don’t let your guard down. Don’t give an inch or he will take ten miles.
Feel free to write as you have need.
Cindy
Hi Cindy, I too want to thank you so much. I read your post about checklists just in time. My husband (we’ve been separated for three years) urged me to join he and my son on a day in the mountains. I am desperate to spend time with my kids, so I agreed. While we were waiting for my son he made another one of his sporadic I pleas for us to get back together. When I said – for the umpteenth time “I’ve made it very clear what is necessary for reconciliation. You need to get help for the issues that led to my leaving”. His response was textbook. “What things?” I began to patiently explain yet again what things, he took out a pen and a napkin and began to list them. It was then that I came to my senses. Your post came immediately to mind, and I called an end to the discussion. He has always pled ignorance of the problems in our marriage, blaming me despite all that he has done. Sadly, so many in the church blame the woman for her “lack of forgiveness”, making her the guilty party.
I suspect that his occasional “why can’t we get back together” is part of his own checklist. He can always tell family and other believers that he has “tried but she won’t give me a chance”.
I have longed to find a site like this that addresses godly women who have stayed in impossible situations for years – in my case 27 – and hearing your perspective makes me feel less alone.
Hello, Shelly.
Thank you for writing. I am glad that “Checklist Blackmail” was helpful. I also think I responded to a personal e-mail the other day and hope you received my response. If you didn’t, please let me know.
Cindy
I’m sorry Cindy, but I didn’t receive it.
Shelly
Glad you let me know. I’ll try again…
Cindy
Wow, this brings everything into perspective. I have finally, after 4 plus years and many separtions, realized this exact thing. I sure could have used this insight long ago. It would have saved me so much time and pain of the constant false hope this game kept me in. I have been fooled by the blackmail checklist game. This is so close to home.
Hello, Ramona. I am sorry that it has taken some time for you to see the dynamic for what it is, but I am very glad that this information is helping you to understand the abuser’s game better going forward. Sure enough, I know how abusers operate because I lived it for 20 years. If we are successful at providing others like yourself with the information needed to break the cycle sooner – well, Hallelujah!
Let me know if there is other information you need. I am happy to help if I can.
Cindy
Cindy,
This is so true. Fortunately, for me X can’t remember what was on the checklist. He has not changed and tries to invade my space at every chance he gets. Over the past year, he has shown up at my apartment, my work, tries to get me to go out with him, finds ways to find me on the net…. it is never ending, but slowing down. I have learned to refuse to tell him what he needs to do. It wouldn’t matter anyways. He has had excuses for each and everything I have said for him to consider. I need this kind of reinforcement. It helps me while I am moving on.
Thank you, Brenda
Cindy, Thank you for drawing attention to this article on A CRY FOR JUSTICE blog.
Hello Cindy,
I’m back to find the assessment you mentioned.
I really do not think my husband will change. After all I have seen and heard, I truly doubt it. It is very, very, very hard to wrap my head around that. I will never be pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, good enough homemaker, whatever. It drives me nuts, and yet at the same time, I have to remind myself that the problem lies with HIM.