No list holds the power to change a person’s heart.
It finally arrives – the heartbreaking yet liberating moment when you simply cannot live the lie for one more minute. The loneliness, shame and exhaustion can no longer be rationalized or minimized. There is nothing left to sort out or piece together or hope for, and you finally break through the wall of dysfunction you had foolishly accepted as normal. And you leave.
As the first days pass, you find yourself moving tenuously through the haze of disillusionment and exhaustion and catching a glimpse of clear sky, relishing every breath of free air and then falling into bed at night in peace. If you are lucky, in the abuser’s absence, the numbness of soul to which you have become accustomed gives way, and you find yourself savoring the joys of a few days, hours or minutes free of constant fear and confusion.
Unfortunately, it will not be long before your sweet respite is interrupted. Your abuser is not done yet. He shows up on your doorstep and leaves countless messages on your phone. He might arrive at your workplace, send flowers, bring gifts and make every promise imaginable. He insists he has been awakened to the truth and is intent on securing any opportunity to prove himself. So he asks, “What can I do to assure you of my love, to earn your trust and prove my sincerity? Name it.”
Those are dangerous words. He wants your checklist.
It is tempting to offer one. How many nights have you lain awake strategizing how you might reach his angry, calloused heart and get him to see you, to cherish you?
“Maybe this is it,” you say to yourself. “Maybe he has finally reached a point where he can hear me.”
It feels like an open door, a precious opportunity to set the stage for real healing and change. You feel confident, even eager presenting him with your checklist because he has evoked a genuine desire to make things right. You put it out there, believing that you are giving him some helpful direction, maybe even inspiration. You might insist on counseling, treatment for his addiction(s), corrections to his irresponsible spending, acknowledgement of and elimination of his abusive behavior. You might also ask that he help more with household responsibilities or give you more freedom to pursue your interests.
Only these many years later can I see the absurdity of enduring however many years of abuse, and then handing the abuser a short list of concessions he must make to get things back to what he considers normal. Step back for a moment, and you can see that his request of you at once infers that he is mystified as to what the issues are and how he has hurt you. If he is counting on you to explain to him what he needs to change, then in his mind, he doesn’t need to change anything. And your willingness to offer him a checklist is accepted as a promise that you are willing to reconcile with him as soon as those line items are checked off.
No problem.
As well-trained enablers, we almost always fail to realize that the checklist is a trap, a teaser in the abuser’s game, and many of us are drawn in. We continue to act on the premise that relationship is the mutual goal. Not so for the abuser. Remember: he wants control.
So what we see as a solemn opportunity to restore genuine relationship is to the abuser a trivial matter of a few small hurdles, temporary obligations, or just another opportunity to perfect his art of manipulation. The checklist becomes the very mortar the abuser will use to rebuild the walls that held you captive.
Go to counseling? Sure. Several weeks later, the counselor has bought in to the abuser’s “sincere” efforts, and the victim has lost her voice. In fact, she is probably under the gun now for being slow to forgive or accommodate him. Nothing has changed, but he has fulfilled the mandate.
Check.
Get treatment for his addictions. He goes to meetings and expresses confidence in his progress, but there will be occasional lapses. What do you expect – perfection? To be encouraging, you commend him for his progress believing his addictive tendencies will decline over time, but only time will tell.
Check.
At first, his commitment seems admirable, even believable. And you may optimistically give him more credit than he is due. Not only that, but many of your checklist demands are subjective and can be molded and twisted in a manner that can be accepted as a good effort. Speaking cruelly to you or your children? That’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it? Perhaps you’re overreacting again or expecting too much in too short of a time period. In no time, he will have found a way to document some measure of success in every area you asked.
Check. Check. Check.
If you’re a strong one, maybe you can resist the tearful pleas of your children who want daddy to come home, and remain a little skeptical when his friends and family members remind you of how hard he is trying. You do not have the measure of peace you need to consider reconciling. That is when the checklist becomes his tool and your enemy.
“I’ve done everything you’ve asked,” he reminds you. “What more can you possibly expect from me? You are being unfair to me. Don’t you want to save our marriage? Why are you doing this to our children?” And the pressure is on.
Has he really changed? No. But you have set yourself up for Checklist Blackmail. The abuser will use the checklist you gave him to contain and define and limit the scope of necessity in the relationship. Your checklist leaves the intangible, immeasurable substance of his character immutable.
Even though the abuser has met the obligations, you still feel unsafe. To his way of thinking, that’s your problem. Should you refuse to receive him, he will emotionally pummel you with the checklist you gave him and angrily affirm your response as proof that you are absolutely unreasonable, overly demanding and even cruel. You have put yourself between a rock and a hard place – and your abuser knows it.
Just say ‘no’ to the checklist. No list holds the power to change a person’s heart. If you leave your abuser, and he tells you he wants to change, to make things right; let him. He’s a grown-up. Let him go get counseling on his own and figure out what needs to do to get healthy without harassing you or promising you the moon or extracting agreements or timelines from you.
While he does his share of the work (I write with great skepticism), you can take some time to educate yourself about the abuse dynamic and focus on your healing – not on his. If one day he shows up on your doorstep, accepts full responsibility for all of his cruelties, humbly seeks your forgiveness, seeks help of his own volition and agrees to leave you alone and honor your need for time and space and room to heal without limits…then there might be a basis for entertaining the remote possibility of reconciliation.
From what I have witnessed in my dealings with abusers, they prefer the game of Checklist Blackmail. Don’t play. It is just one more game you simply cannot win.
Though you pound a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his foolishness will not depart from him. Proverbs 27:22
Cindy Burrell
Copyright 2013, All Rights Reserved
Cindy…this is so very, very true! Almost 4 yrs after my husbands emotional affair, and he is still asking me what I want him to do to “change”, so I would write out a list like a good wife!
And he’d do one or two of the requests on the list, and then stop! And then blame me because no matter what he did it would never be enough anyway!
I’m reposting this article on my blog because others need to know about Checklist Blackmail!
I do have a question Cindy….My husband wants to try counseling again…for the third time…he quit after 3-4 sessions the last 2 times.
We are still together, through we don’t have a romantic marriage at all…we are like roommates….I am looking at separation down the road, he says he doesn’t want that…Anyway, the counselor I found seems very forthright…He said he doesn’t believe in labels (my H is Passive Aggressive) he believes in a sinful heart and that is what needs to be addressed!
The counselor would like me to attend the counseling sessions as a couple….but I’m really not interested.
I feel my H needs to work on himself, he has issues from his dysfunctional family that are impacting him today, he claims to be a Christian but I see no evidence in his life, other than church attendance…what would you suggest?
Dear Lonely. Already I am not a fan of your counselor. He doesn’t believe in labels? Why not? If the shoe fits… Is it acceptable to refer to someone as an enabler or an abuser? At what point is the man willing to call a spade a spade. I know, that’s one too many metaphors, but really. Your husband’s behaviors are typical of an abuser. He will feign repentance, offer a small measure of compliance (which is not change) and then say you expect too much of him. Those are all simply abuser games – and the tip of the iceberg.
Secondly, I used to support couples counseling but do not any longer. Couples counseling with an abuser does not work. Just say ‘no.’ Like you said, if your husband wants to sincerely address his issues (and I don’t believe that at this point), then let him get counsel on his own. For an abuser, counseling is simply an aid toward “proving” that he is making an effort and gaining an ally in his counselor, which then puts the pressure on you, his victim, to accommodate his so-called imperfections. No, I don’t think you are under any obligation to go to counseling with him. In fact, doing so would probably cause more harm in your life than good. It also tells me that the counselor doesn’t understand a dang thing about abuse. Any counsel you seek should be for the benefit of your personal recovery, not to attempt to save your marriage.
You asked what I would suggest. I would suggest that you separate in order to give you the time and space to see clearly what it is you have been living in. We can’t really see it until we get out, and we don’t get out because we can’t see it. You have already been through a lot with this man. At what point, dear woman, will you have had enough? I want you to know that God does not condone marital abuse or neglect. The Scriptures call it treachery, which it is. Furthermore, in spite of what have probably been taught, God does not hate divorce or the divorcee, but provided divorce to protect one from the hard-heartedness of another. I say that, not to urge you to divorce, but to share with you God’s heart in the matter. Too often we remain believing that we will be condemned or abandoned by God if we leave our abuser. It is not so. But, I urge you to seek the heart of God, to listen to what He is saying to you, and act on what you know to be true.
I hope you will keep me informed and will be praying for you, as I do for many who visit me here.
In His grace,
Cindy
Hi Lonely,
I agree with Cindy! I have been in exactly the same situation as you. As Christians, we seek godly counsel. We fervently hope that a counselor is going to be able to help us to make sense of our impossible relationship. I went to my church pastor and was told that our problem was “communication breakdown”. This after years of on again off again unproductive counseling sessions. Even when there was clearly a pattern of deceit and betrayal, the responsibility for preserving the marriage, for forgiving and forgetting was laid on my shoulders. My husband was delighted. A counselor or clergyman who insists on couples counseling with an abuser, is not aware of the dynamics of power and control involved. Your husband bides his time, making no real change, and the situation remains the same while you and he are busy working on your “relationship issues”. This will only result in you being further wounded. An emotional abuser will refuse to go for counseling on his own, because he doesn’t believe he needs to change. It took me decades to realize that my husband would never agree to address his own issues. I finally had to resolve that I would never consider reconciling unless he did. The one thing the counselor did get right is that it is a sin issue. Absolutely.
I so appreciate your input and validation, Shelly. You are clearly growing with regard to your depth of knowledge in this arena.
Bravo! And thank you for your contributions.
Cindy
Thank you Cindy. It’s been a long process. Thank you for your wisdom and eloquence!
I agree. I went to counseling with my husband 12 years ago and he still uses it against me. If I had only done what the counselor said and was more affectionate and communicated better. I will never go to counseling with him again. I’ve been trying to get him out of my house for 6 months. 18 years of this shit. My daughter has suffered the most. Thank God I found this site. He has been wearing me down and I thought I might cave about the divorce.
Oh lonleywife07, your H sounds very similar to mine. 🙁 I’m sorry.
This is such a well written article on this critical topic.
Many abusive men seem to read from a script book when it comes to behaving as though they have normal human emotions and ethics. One of the costly lessons I’ve learned is not to supply him with a script or to fill in the blank pages. It seems to be a lesson in progress for me, because it’s easy to slip here.
Cindy, thank you.
Divorce was final 2 months ago.
He told me he would date me, and when he got a new girlfriend before we were divorced I asked what happened that I was off his radar….
He said, “I was looking for you to treat me differently, believing I had changed. Because you never did, I didn’t go to level 2 to ask you for a date.”
I have truly felt this was all my fault until your article above – any many on your site. This wasn’t my fault. He didn’t ever really change and expected I would. My gut told me to not go back, it was right. But you clarified why it was right – thank you for your work here.
I am glad you are finding the affirmation you need here, Vikki, but I know how very painful it is to come to that conclusion. Let me just say that you are correct. There was no change there, only the frustration on his part that you did not respond the way he wanted. Know that you did the right thing under the circumstances. Our tendency is to doubt ourselves – whether we did enough or did it right… I’m sure you did.
I pray you find the kind of life and love you long for.
Thank you for writing to share your experience.
Cindy
Just an update…has it REALLY been 2 1/2 yrs?? Nothing changed in our relationship AT ALL…we have been in home separated for months and will be divorcing soon…and it’s ALL my fault….so he says.
He’s found himself a new woman…he denies it, but I have the deleted texts and phone calls to prove it, but I really don’t care anymore. He’s put me and my kids through hell…and I will throw a party once we sign the divorce papers.
These men NEVER change…they just get more hard hearted and blame everyone but themselves.
I have the full support of our four sons, so I am walking away with the grand prize!! Jesus and my children…what more could I want?? 🙂
Hello, Lonely. Two and a half years? Wow. It’s hard to believe how quickly time passes.
I’m so very sorry to read of the continuing abuse and betrayal, but I pray that you find the peace you deserve. I have to believe that a new and happy life is not too far off for you.
Thank you for returning to share your update. I wish you well.
Cindy
Amen! Mine has even won our grown children over!
Hello, Carolyn.
I’m so sorry to read what you shared. Let me know if I can help or direct you further.
Cindy
Wow. Spot on. Thank you so much.
You’re welcome, Brenda. Let me know if I can direct you to other resources. I’m happy to help if I can.
Cindy
One of the best commentary I have read on manipulative tactics of abusers and emotional responses of victims. Thank you, Thank you!
Hello, N. Vera. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I’m glad the article was helpful to you. Fortunately or unfortunately, I couldn’t have written it if I hadn’t lived it! Let me know if I you have any questions or if I can direct you to other resources.
Blessings,
Cindy
Wow, I didn’t know the checklist was even a thing! But sure enough he asked for it “please write down what you want from me!” I refused. If he didn’t already know by, then he never would – he hadn’t been listening at all. He just didn’t care. When I laughed at his idea of a list (for I could laugh by then – I had been devouring books for months and learning – he was following the predicted route of an abuser) I gave him an answer “HONESTY! I want honesty and that’s it! And no, I’m not writing that one word down – you should be able to remember that!” He just looked at me, blank. And in this moment I knew, I had asked for the one thing he could never give me. And then my already broken heart, sealed itself shut.
Hello, Just me. I’m sorry for the delay in responding… I was so grieved to read what you shared. It hurts like heck when our abuser shows his true colors – all of them. But I hope you know that not all men are like that. It may feel like it for a while, but I trust the Lord brings a full measure of healing in His time.
You might want to read “A Season of Man-Hating.” It is here: http://www.hurtbylove.com/a-season-of-man-hating/.
And please feel free to email me at cindyburrell@hurtbylove if I can help or direct you.
Blessings,
Cindy
I didn’t know it was a thing either!!!! After I told him I retained a lawyer after months of non-productive counseling, he pulled out a pen to write a list of “what I needed”. I also refused and told him that if he didn’t know he hadn’t been listening to months of counseling. I didn’t see how it would make a difference by that point. I am relieved I didn’t!
Hello, Josy. Thank you for stopping by to share your feedback. You were very wise under the circumstances!
Based on what you shared, I get the impression that you are well-grounded and have been set free. Nevertheless, feel free to let me know if you find yourself dealing with other issues, and I may be able to recommend other articles or resources that might be helpful.
I wish you God’s best as you move forward!
– Cindy
My pastor recently had me into his office after having heard that I asked for a separation. And after having first met with my husband. He has asked me to make a list for my husband of all the ways he hurts me that I can think of and provide examples. He spent two hours begging me to give the man another chance. Men don’t get it when we tell them about the problems. Or so my pastor says. My husband needs my pastor to hold him accountable to get help and try to change. My pastor has asked me for a bloody list. I have not been able to do it. Trying to fix my husband is not my responsibility but my pastor is trying to make it my responsibility. Lord help us.
Hello, Dawnelle. I am so sorry you are going through this, but sadly I am not altogether surprised. If anything, providing a list of offenses and possible fixes only gives an abuser the ability to identify ways to get away with abuse while dancing around “the list.” The pastor’s basic premise is that your husband has a good heart and wants to do the right thing, defying the evidence that supports the exact opposite: that your husband knows what he is doing and doesn’t care.
No matter how much begging goes on, know that God see it all and, if you have a peace about remaining where you are to see what, if any, changes occur, or if you have a peace about divorcing him, that is between you and God alone. I knew for a long time that the Lord was telling me to leave, and I knew that after separating, God did not validate my decision to reconcile, but I did it out of a sense of obligation, and the abuse began again almost immediately. Three months later, we separated again, and that was the beginning of the end.
Dawnelle, I encourage you to pray for wisdom and let God be your source of truth and strength. Confusion is not of God, so when He dispels it, set your heart and mind on the truth He gives you. And trust the Spirit when He nudges you in one clear direction or the other. You won’t regret it – no matter what people or your pastor think.
And just so you know, I provide personal coaching if you want to talk with someone who “gets it.” There is more information on the Personal Coaching link if you are interested, and feel free to email me at cindyburrell@hurtbylove.com if you have specific questions or if I can direct you to an article or resources that might be of help to you.
One more thing… in my experience accountability is nonsense. Your husband shouldn’t need a person keeping an eye on him for him to know how to love you.
I hope you’ll let me know how you’re doing, and how things go with your pastor. I’m definitely curious, if you are interested in sharing.
Blessings,
Cindy
Wow, this hits it right on the head. This helps me more than you know. I was asked again to provide a list and I finally said “no, I already told you. The things you need to work on haven’t changed. I don’t want to get back together because things aren’t going to change.” I really regret taking so long to get the courage to get out of my bad marriage.
Hello, Katia. I apologize for the delay in responding, but I’m glad to hear from you and appreciate that you took the time to share your own experience. It’s amazing how so much of the abuse dynamic is so consistent! I’m glad you are taking care of yourself and removing yourself from your painful marriage.
Feel free to write anytime if you run into new issues or have questions. You can email me at cindyburrell@hurtbylove.com.
Again, thank you for taking the time to write and share.
Blessings,
Cindy
I was directed to this page from Natalie Hoffman’s Flying Free site. I wish I had read it several months ago! Your article perfectly describes my experience. Unfortunately, I DID write a checklist. Thank you for the truths you have stated. “No list has the power to change a person’s heart.”
Hello, Emily. I’m glad to hear from you but equally grieved to read what you shared. Please know that you are not alone. Feel free to email me at cindyburrell@hurtbylove.com if you’d like to “converse” privately or if I can recommend other articles that may provide validation or encouragement. I’m happy to help as I can.
I’m glad you found Natalie’s site. She is a powerful survivor and advocate!
Cindy