No woman walking down the aisle believes they will one day wake up lying next to an abusive spouse. Vows are spoken with sincerity and forethought, colored by shared dreams of happily ever after. I similarly promised myself – and God – that I would do all that I could to see that the marriage I had entered into would not only survive, but thrive. Yet, one sad day, after a million little incremental abuses, I woke up battered and scarred, utterly confounded as to how my life had become such a nightmare. What I did not realize was that the seeds had been planted long before.
Raised in a neglectful, single-parent home, I was raised believing I was unworthy of love. Saved at 15, I still struggled with feelings of inadequacy.
When I was 19, I met John at church. He was immediately smitten with me, and we began dating. After a few short months, I broke off the relationship because he was constantly trying to “fix” me. Almost a year later, after his expressed willingness to accept me as I was, we began dating again. I mistook his obsession with me for love, and I believe I loved him too. Two years later we were married.
John had some serious health issues, and together with his emotional stress of coping, John’s life quickly became the focal point of our relationship. In my mind, this was my time to shine, so to speak. I could dote on him, take care of him and encourage him without a care for my own needs. But early on, he made it clear that our entire relationship revolved around him.
Five years into our marriage, I became pregnant with our firstborn: a daughter. John was an awesome daddy to Charla, but it was during her early years that he began to drink and self-medicate. Both of our families had a history of alcoholism, so I protested for fear of what might follow. He would assure me that he was in control, try to hide his issues and, if discovered, would condemn me for my lack of sensitivity and support. Early on, he told me that he could treat me any way he wanted and, as long as I didn’t catch him in the act of adultery, there was nothing I could do about it.
Over time, our marriage saw various lapses of integrity which included the use of pornography, stealing, lying, questionable relationships and drug and alcohol abuse – whatever seemed necessary to try to fill the ever-growing hole in John’s life. It was no longer even remotely concealed that John’s needs and desires came first. Trying to gain my husband’s love and care became my objective with the hope of a reciprocal love and concern toward me and our children.
We were blessed with three more children, two sons and another daughter, yet more children, less time and money also meant more self-sacrifice – on my part. John’s drinking increased, as did his prescription drug abuse, and with it the deception. He became more hostile, selfish and demanding. His unchecked spending impacted our finances. Any criticism or concerns I voiced were met with hostility and John’s passionate insistence that he should not be deprived of anything he wanted regardless of the effects on us.
Without emotional support, together with my twisted understanding of what it meant to be a God-honoring wife, I kept our family secrets and prayed fervently that things would turn around. I naively believed that, if I maintained my loyalty and became even more encouraging, sensitive and giving, one day our family would be made whole. That day never came.
Even more insidious, although threatening or intimidating, John never hit me. He knew all of my sensitivities, such as my desire to be a godly wife, woman and mother and could disarm me by insulting my faith, disparaging my character or simply demanding submissive silence of me. He would openly refuse to help me with household tasks when I asked just to throw his weight around, and would periodically lock me out of our bedroom as a form of punishment.
My husband became a tactical expert, using his words like a weapon. He could twist my words and confound me to the point of sheer exasperation and confusion. In the end, whatever was wrong in our relationship could be traced to my failure. John’s will and domination controlled our world.
There were many times I wanted help, wanted to leave. But, he had never hit me. Nor, to my knowledge, had he ever been unfaithful. So I felt as though I had no biblical justification for leaving and none of my Christian friends ever gave me permission to do so.
By the time I was forced to leave with our children, I was little more than a shell. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, the children lived in fear and anxiety, and John ruled his world with an iron fist.
Eighteen years earlier, I could not have foreseen that I would end up in an abusive marriage – that I would go to such extreme and unrealistic lengths – even sacrificing my common sense, dignity and even the emotional security of my own children — to try to earn love and respect. John may have been abusive, but I enabled his destructive behavior. Our divorce was final in 2003.
My regrets are too numerous to count. They come from not demanding the respect and children and I deserved early on, not speaking the truth openly from the beginning, not getting whatever drastic form of counsel and emotional support I needed, not putting my foot down and saying no. It has been hard for me to forgive myself for the cruelties our children witnessed and endured. I had failed to adequately protect those most precious to me.
What I have learned is that there is nothing noble about allowing another to wield such power and control. It is a deadly trap and a lie. Like so many others in similar circumstances, I didn’t want to admit it. My belief system led me to believe that I could, through a positive, loving example, help my husband to become the man I thought he wanted to be. Instead of living in reality, I held out for hope, imagining our family one day standing whole and happy, Such was the vindication I yearned for but never received. I believe this desire lies deep in the heart of every enabler.
Individuals caught in abusive situations are seeking three primary things: a voice, a sense of value, and validation. While our voice may be most easily found, our sense of value must be most consciously fought for, and vindication, we must understand, may never be forthcoming. The road to restoration and healing becomes clearer when we let go of our unrealistic expectations.
If you are living in the dreadful confusion of an abusive relationship, please waste no time in speaking out. If it feels hurtful and wrong, it probably is. Love is not confusing and does not diminish the value of others. It’s okay, and sometimes imperative, that you say no. Of course, it is vital that you use wisdom in terms of how you take action to free yourself, making personal safety of all those concerned the highest priority.
If I could take this journey, recover and thrive again, I am confident that you can do the same. And on this website, my objective is to provide hurting women with a wealth of information and resources to help them to find their way to freedom.
You are not alone, and God is your witness!
I’m so glad i found your blog, its so inspiring and such a fresh outlook on abuse..i will try to pass it on and share it as i feel everyone should see it..:-)
Thank you for your kind comments. I hope you’ll check out the website, too. Lots of good info there. I tell people, “Everyone knows someone in an abusive relationship.” They usually think for a moment and then tell me, “You’re right. I do!” I think abuse is much more common than we realize.
Again, thank you for your comments.
Cindy
Thank you Cindy. I relate a lot to this…. having also been in an abusive relationship with my twin daughters’ dad. I finally was able to leave him after a LOT of counseling and AlAnon, finaling realizing that I could not change him by anything I did, or, did not do. It was not physical either (like you), but the emotional scars lasted a long time… Thank you for your good work!
Hey there, “Tom’s wife.” I appreciate your taking the time to come and share. I had no idea we share a similar history. I continue to be amazed at how common abuse is – it is everywhere.
Thanks again. And Tom mentioned that you are willing to share your divine, award-winning brownie recipe – by far the best brownies I have ever had!
Cindy,
The recipe is simply:
Betty Crocker FUDGE Brownie mix
1 cup crushed walnuts
1 cup Nestle Semi-Sweet Chocolate Morsels.
(It’s the chocolate chips that do it. They “re-harden” after the brownies cool and give them that texture.)
Enjoy you two!!
Susan
That’s too easy! I’ll have to remember to get the right mix. Believe me, I will. Those brownies are killer.
Thanks for sharing.
Same for me…only near-misses of physical blows, but the verbal and emotional ones – and the strangling of my daughter – and the rape of she and and I – went on. I don’t blame myself anymore. He made it so that I could not breathe, so how could I speak up? Everyone thought I was a liar when I did, because, they told me, ‘Pastors don’t sin” . Yep, that’s what he was, a pastor.
Thank you for articulating my own experience in a way I couldn’t. I’m so glad you are healing and living life to the full.
Thank you. Saw myself in much of what you wrote. Finally out after 30 years of marriage; 26 before separating. Yep, even in separation I hoped for reconciliation but he just proceeded to financially abuse me – after all, how dare I say “no” to him.
Mid 50’s and starting over, but God is good and His word is true and He never breaks a promise, so I can trust that He has a future for me.
Sheryl
Thank you! And thank you for taking the time to share a little about your case. Knowing that we are not alone is half the battle, I think.
Sorry – I posted under Doug’s account earlier.
To Sheryl – oh my – I’ve been married over 30 years as well and the realization that this is truly never going to change and that I must free myself and start anew at 52 brings many emotions….sadness/anger/grief for not having a loving, trusting, and stable marriage for all these years……LostLady
Hello, Friend. Let me take a moment to try and encourage you. Yes, the truth can be emotionally devastating – but it is also freeing as well. It really doesn’t matter how old you are. If this is where you find yourself, then know that tomorrow is another day, and there is another life out there waiting for you. God says in the book of Joel, Chapter 2 that He will restore the years that the locusts have eaten. It took us a long time to actually break free, but the live I live with my new husband and my kids has completely made up for and redeemed the years my kids and I suffered. God can do the same for you.
My sister had a situation similar to yours. She was 34 years in, and she is in her late 50s and is now happy as can be.
I’m sorry to learn of your story. But you are not alone, and there are people like me who will attest to God’s grace and goodness in such times. He will make a way for you.
I hope you will peruse the website and read some of the articles I have posted. You would probably benefit from my book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” You need to know that, should you leave, there are some things you need to know to expect. On that subject, I also think you should read one of my articles called, “Leaving An Abuser: What to Expect and How to Stay Grounded.” Virtually all abusers respond the same way in those situations…
Feel free to e-mail me from my website (although I’ll be traveling through April 23) or join our forum where you can post questions and concerns and get feedback from other survivors and read their stories as well.
You have support. You don’t have to do this alone.
Cindy
Cindy, Thanks for sharing your heart, many others will be helped. I also came from a background of much abuse and see myself in some of your story. It’s my first time here, but I’ll be back to read more.
Sweet blessings,
Wanda S.
Very Inspiring! Domestic violence has the power to turn lives upside down. I wrote a blog post on this recently to help people understand what emotional abuse is all about. I went through it when i was a teenager and was lucky enough to take my life in the right direction. I hope n pray a happy and fulfilling life for you. lots of love!
Hi Cindi – Thank you for your blog! This morning it was an answer to prayer. I’m in a verbally (and emotionally abusive) marriage. I left my husband for the 3rd time and it was on the heals of my father’s impending death. My father passed away just over a month ago. The abuse was not constant every day abuse but it was a pattern. He’s simply angry and jealous over a married 1st cousin of mine who he thinks has a thing for me. His suspicions and accusations were too much on my mental health. When it wasn’t about my cousin then things were all right with my husband. Please understand NO SUCH thing exists between me and my cousin. We are simply family. My husband, however, does have anger issues and he knows it. I’ve strongly encouraged him to get help. We had counseling in the past only twice and of course things went back the way they were. Even after I encouraged him to get help he hasn’t done so yet. I’ve been gone since May 9, 2013. It’s now June 30, 2013. He’s putting the pressure on me to either come home because he thinks we can work things out – or get a divorce – if that’s what I want. I read the “I’m sorry” article and brought me more into some light. He’s been sorry and realizes that he never should have accused me and admits he said some horrible things but I refuse to come home until I see a big change.
I’m in some state of confusion because I want to go home but reluctant to do so. I feel sort of threatened because he said if I get a lawyer then he’ll get one too and get half of what I got.
I welcome any help.
Thank you for your article!!
Hello, Melissa.
Thank you for taking the time to write and share some of your story. I am glad you found the blog.
Based on what you shared, my response is based upon an assumption that you are a believer. With that in mind, you said that your husband has admitted that he is wrong, but at the same time he is pressuring you to either come home or you need to get a divorce.
Does that seem like repentance to you? A repentant person would give you plenty of time and space to work through your pain, would work to re-earn your trust, and would not put any deadlines on you.
Also, you mentioned that you are confused and are reluctant to go back. That is likely your common sense, your discernment and the Holy Spirit warning you of the danger. Why is he threatening you – that he will make your life difficult if you decide to divorce him? Again, that is not the attitude of a repentant man.
I urge you to listen to that inner voice that is telling you that he is unsafe. Keep your distance, learn more about the abuse dynamic (there is a lot available on my website), and I would urge you to get my e-book if you can. It is as inexpensive as we provide it, and you can read an excerpt and reviews from others who have read it on the website.
Be wise. Be safe.
You can always e-mail me privately at cindy@hurtbylove.com
In Him,
Cindy
trying to determine who is and who isn’t the abuser….read constantly about overly jealous and how that is abuse……I have sat back and watched him flirt, have sexually charged conversations with other women, forgiven when he has cheated, died a thousand deaths over a hundred different women – the gut feeling that I cannot trust – the feeling foolish when told I am crazy, psychotic, paranoid. The feeling ashamed for feeling or thinking any and everything I feel and think. Wanting to die, wanting to not love him anymore, wanting to disappear – cease to exist. Bracing myself everyday for the inevitable put-downs, total disregard for anyone’s feelings other than his own – the complete lack of consideration, common courtesy, neglect, abandonment – feeling his “low opinion” of me over and over. Saying I love you more than life and f*** you “C” word in the same breath. Confused. Amed
There are so many things I would like to share with you, but I think it might be easier for you to go to my website and read some of the articles I have available there. In short, abuse begins with a design by one person to dominate and control another. The abuser uses three primary means of accomplishing this – fear, confusion and isolation. And to accomplish those things, an abuser uses a combination of a whole raft of tactics – blame, shame, manipulation, sarcasm, put-downs, deceit, raging, threats… and on it goes. I hope you will take a look at the information I have available at http://www.hurtbylove.com and feel free to post your questions on the forum and/or e-mail me.
I am happy to help you to find clarity in this.
Cindy