“It will never happen again…”
How many of us as abuse survivors have heard those words? In my experience, it seems to be a pretty high percentage.
After all of the torment, the name-calling and crazy-making conversations, maybe you’ve finally decided that you just can’t live that way anymore. So, you pack your bags and walk out, swearing that you will never see that heartless man** again.
A few days or weeks pass, and you find the courage to convey to your estranged spouse that it’s over. You’re not playing the crazy game for one more day. But suddenly you receive a message on your phone or a big bouquet of flowers arrives with a fancy card tucked inside. Your abuser passionately conveys a message that goes something like this:
“I realize what a fool I’ve been and how much I love you and need you in my life, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I know I’ve made my share of mistakes, and I want you to know that I will do whatever it takes to re-earn your love and trust. I feel terrible knowing that I have hurt you deeply, but I promise you it will never happen again. I will never love anyone as much as I love you, and I can’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else. So just know that I will never give up on us, and I hope you will give me another chance to show you how wonderful our life together can be.”
It feels a bit like a fairy tale. You can almost hear violins playing and you imagine two amazingly in-love people running hand-in-hand through a field of flowers in slow motion.
While I’m sure my sarcastic sort of pessimism is keenly felt, dear reader, it is because I can’t count the number of times when I’ve seen this dynamic play out as part of the process, but unfortunately it rarely ends the way we would hope.
By way of example, a few years ago, a woman whom I had been coaching for a few years (I will call her Lily) had been subject to the push-me-pull-you games of her abusive husband who, by the way, was in full-time ministry. (I will call him Tom.)
In spite of years of profound abuse, Tom knew just how to tug on Lily’s heart, mind and faith-based convictions to manipulate and control her. Finally, Lily decided she couldn’t live that scary, unpredictable kind of life anymore. She separated from Tom, waited until she was certain there was no way their relationship could survive, filed for divorce, and informed her estranged husband of her decision.
Not long after, Tom moved into a gated community where only the residents could enter. The court’s process server tried several times to serve Tom divorce papers, but even if the server succeeded in obtaining entrance into the grounds, Tom refused to answer the door. Finally, the day came when the door opened, the process server asked the resident for his name, and Tom simply lied, offering a false name and claiming the man the process server was seeking did not live there. Wisely, the process server returned to his car, Tom left his home and got into his vehicle, and the process server took a picture of Tom and his vehicle which he used to verify Tom as the man to whom the divorce papers were intended.
Only a few days later, Lily received an incredibly beautiful bouquet of flowers with a letter filled with apologies and promises. Lily was so touched that she called Tom, and he wept and begged her forgiveness for his failings, assured her that he was a changed man, that he would never love another woman as much as he loved her, and he would do anything and everything necessary to prove the depth of his devotion.
Not long after, Lily contacted me to inform me of her husband’s profound expressions of repentance and deepest love, and she happily conveyed her absolute and joyous certainty that this was the breakthrough she had been praying for. We talked for a while, and then I offered a suggestion.
“What if you test the premise?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” she responded.
“I’m sorry to be cynical, Lily,” I said, “but I think it’s a premise that’s worth testing.”
“How might I do that?” Lily replied.
“Well,” I began, “How do you think Tom would respond if you told him that you appreciate everything he shared, and you want to believe that it may be possible for you to reconcile, but for the time-being you still want to proceed with the divorce, and if things go well between you, you can drop it. What if you tell Tom you would like him to agree to schedule a time to meet up with the process server to receive the divorce papers? Do you think he would do that?”
A few long seconds passed. And then Lily burst out laughing.
A few more seconds passed, and I said with the slightest lilt in my voice, “Why are you laughing?”
And Lily laughed even harder.
“Do you think he would agree to that?” I posed again in all seriousness.
And Lily, still holding back her laughter replied, “Absolutely not.”
“Why is that?” I posed.
“Because he’s too self-absorbed,” Lily offered.
“What does that tell you?” I asked.
“Everything I think I need to know,” Lily replied. But part of her still wanted to believe that Tom was a genuinely changed man, and I completely understood her hope-filled desire.
As it turned out, not long after our conversation, Lily and Tom had to address a contractual issue that affected both of them in another city a distance away, so they decided to travel together and stay in the same hotel.
When Lily returned a few days later, she called to inform me that the time they spent together over those few short days was more than sufficient to make it clear that Tom was just as self-centered, controlling and abusive as ever.
The court finally found a way to circumvent Tom’s delaying strategies, and perhaps a year later, the divorce was final.
Lily has never regretted her decision to divorce Tom. In fact, after spending a significant amount of time healing, she met a wonderful man who rightly adores her, and after a good long season of getting to know one another, she is quite confident that they will be scheduling a wedding date sometime in the near future.
She is no longer watching her words, walking on eggshells or wondering if the man in her life really loves her. She knows he does. And their relationship isn’t the least bit unpredictable or scary.
Even if an abuser’s words convey everything you could possibly imagine that would promise a gracious, giving, passionate kind of love that could sustain you for a lifetime, if there is no history to support that belief… please take a step back and, if possible, test the premise.*
“Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.”
Proverbs 22:24-25
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*Testing the Premise: Safety Is Paramount.
Should you decide to test a premise, please use extreme caution and discretion based on your situation.
Find safety or seek a restraining order, if necessary, and should your abuser threaten you in any way, do not hesitate to contact law enforcement.
**Although abusers may be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
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