They don’t want to hear my stories. They refuse to believe what I say.
“Show me your scars,” they tell me, crossing their arms in disdain. “Prove to me the harm he has done. Without physical proof of your pain, I have to assume you have none.”
I suppose it is easy for the outsider to distrust wounds for which there is no physical evidence. And I confess, such indifference further adds to my pain.
If only he would hit me. Sometimes I wish he would. Then they might understand what he has put me through, how much it hurts, that some of the deepest wounds never bleed. Maybe if my bones were broken, if blood flowed from all the hurting places, the cynics and know-it-alls would not be so quick to downplay my fears or tell me that the things he does or says are inconsequential.
If only his emotional beatings left open wounds on my body like the ones he leaves on my heart, then I might gain a wealth of support when I explain why I must leave him. Instead, they tell me that I just need to be more understanding.
They refuse to see what they cannot see. The naïve, the ignorant and the foolish question and criticize and condemn. They are blinded to the sheer number of wounds he has inflicted. Prick them and they easily bleed. But there is no scar and no stain, so those who would be my witnesses shake their heads in reckless disbelief.
They do not see me tearfully trembling in my bed for long, silent hours, tormented by the cruel and unjust things he spouts; feeling utterly lost, lonely and betrayed. And it seems my critics simply cannot fathom the look of hatred in his eyes when the man curses under his breath or simply stares me down in fierce, silent censure.
If only I could make the doubters see what I feel. It seems unfair that the verbal assaults that leave my heart raw and aching leave no traceable evidence. I wish they did. Then the unbelievers might come to my aid. I have to believe they would condemn his behavior, fervently urge me to walk out and never look back. They would stand with me in defense of my children.
Instead I hear them say, “It can’t be that bad. He is not hitting you…”
But, just because he is not hitting me does not mean he is not harming me. Nevertheless, just so they might believe me, there are moments when I wish he would strike me. Perhaps a physical beating would at least enable others to see for themselves the smallest measure of what he has been doing to my heart for all these years. Then again, I don’t think it would come close.
(If you enjoyed this post, you might also like, “Exploiting the Feminine Heart.” )
Copyright 2014
Cindy Burrell
All Rights Reserved
I’m shaking after reading this. Like I think my world is about to crumble. Thank you. I think it needs to fall apart for me to survive. Does that make sense?
Hello, Stacey.
I am sorry you are hurting but I am glad you found the website.
I completely understand why you feel like your world needs to crumble for you to survive. But the truth is that you don’t have to wait for it to fall apart to get out and begin reclaiming your life. I hope you don’t wait. I’m sure you do not need any more trauma or wounds in your life.
You are welcome to communicate with me here or contact me privately through the “Contact Cindy” link on the “About Me” tab on the website. And keep educating yourself using the articles and other information I offer here.
I hope you do what you must to escape and let me know how you are doing.
Cindy
this is how i feel, my everyday struggle with my stepdad.
Hello, Morgan.
I’m so sorry that this is what you are experiencing. I wonder if your mother would be receptive if you shared this with her… If so, I hope you will encourage her to take the informal abuse assessment for starters, perhaps look over the articles I have available here and take it from there. If she would be interested in reading my book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” that may give her the insight into the relationship that she needs to make a change.
As far as you are concerned, I urge you try to find someone you can confide in – a school counselor, a friend or family member. You need emotional support to get through this. You are welcome to email me privately, as well, through the Contact Cindy tab on the website.
You are not alone. Hang in there.
Cindy
have you ever put yourself in his shoes (empathy) ? Do you know if he finds you difficult too, or have you only considered yourself and how you feel, and not how you behave as we can often be catalysts …..you already know your step father’s behavior is a catalyst in your negative feelings, so perhaps it is a vicious cycle. You can’t change others but you can work on yourself.
You will find my response to the above comments here: http://www.hurtbylove.com/an-open-letter-to-the-ignorant-and-the-abusive/
Cindy