“The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself. The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness; and the end of his talk is mischievous madness.” Ecclesiastes 10:12-13
King Solomon describes those who are swallowed up by their own folly, their own words betraying their “mischievous madness.” Perhaps you have witnessed what he so eloquently described.
It happens when your priorities finally shift, when holding your unhappy relationship together is replaced by a deepening determination to break free. But your abuser will realize he’s* losing his grip, and thus begins the next chapter in this ridiculous saga…
On a daily – and maybe even hourly – basis, he begins an emotional assault that may vacillate between apologies and guilt messages, accusations and promises. He may yell at you or cry uncontrollably. He may send love notes or flowers, invite you out for dinner or a weekend, but become hurt, frustrated or even enraged if you refuse to buy in.
It is a desperate strategy grounded in a singular objective: to get you back under his control as soon as possible by any means possible.
He knows that time and distance pose a serious threat. He must find the key to your vulnerability before you have the opportunity to see the truth about who he is and what he’s up to. Should his motives be fully exposed, he may lose all he has worked to maintain: a servant-slave who will accommodate him while shielding him from exposure.
To reach this end, he needs to find the right words that will draw you in, wear you down, get you to doubt yourself, shame you into trusting him, or convince you that he has changed. He will probably wield his Christian trump card like a sword, using it to convince you that whatever is wrong with the relationship is because you have failed as a wife. You should be ashamed. You need to make things better. You need to be faithful and try harder and submit and do your Christian, wifely duty.
Your abuser’s bizarre reasoning, pleadings and accusations will be overwhelming. The first thing you need to know is that this is standard abuser protocol.
He is simply throwing mud at the wall to see what will stick.
It is mischievous madness. If one blindsided attack fails to do the trick, he almost certainly has a stockpile of other schemes to draw from.
Initially, you will probably feel obligated to listen, consider his perspective and reason with him. It won’t work. He will twist your words, overwhelm you with his own, and leave you doubting your own reality.
So as soon as the mud machine starts pumping out wave after wave of nonsense that may blend penitence with patronizing and everything in between, end the conversation. Shut the door, hang up the phone or walk away. Cut him off if you have to. Block him. Just say ‘no.’ You will probably feel like you’re being unnecessarily harsh or even cruel, but you’re not. Refusing to engage is an acknowledgement that you simply can’t win when your opponent is a shameless cheat.
And no matter how you respond, he has already prepared a response to your response. So wrap yourself in some Teflon truth and do whatever you must to keep the gunk from getting under your skin, because you can bet he will be relentless.
Make it a priority to take a step back, take a deep breath, go back to what you know is true, and do whatever you must to maintain a healthy separation – or simply release the fool to reap what he has already sown. Because while you are trying to detox and refocus, he is churning and strategizing, hoping he can find something – anything – that might stick, anything that might convince you that you should crawl back into the pigsty with him.
If what I have described is what you are seeing, then know that it isn’t love.
It’s just mud.
“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” – George Bernard Shaw
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Additional Reading:
“The Messages Your Abuser is Sending”
*Abusers may be of either gender, however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
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Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com