Abusers are extremely predictable. In my experience as a survivor and now through encounters with other abuse victims and survivors, it is apparent that the abuser’s response to separation from his or her enabler-victim taps into a collection of tactics that is shockingly consistent. So, in the event that you have separated or are considering leaving an abusive relationship, it might be helpful to get a small taste of some of the things you can expect, together with a few recommendations on how to stay grounded. Of course, these are generalities. It is impossible to predict what every abuser will do, but the pattern is often very much the same.
Upon separating from an abuser, you can expect him to:
Initiate A Relentless Assault On Your Emotions
You may no sooner walk out the door than your abuser will seek you out and confer upon you an attitude of absolute astonishment and puzzlement. “I had no idea you were so unhappy.” “Why would you do such a terrible thing to me?” But that is only the beginning. Almost without fail, the abuser will then begin a daily, even hourly, course of ongoing harassment interspersed with emotional outbursts weighted heavily with apologies and desperate pleading. The abuser will almost without fail ask to get together with you to calmly discuss things (which usually means get you in a private place where he can explain to you why you’re wrong).
You may soon find yourself inundated with letters, text messages, e-mails, or gifts. His moods will run the spectrum from extreme sorrow to unfettered rage. Don’t be the least bit surprised if your abuser shows up where you work or your new living quarters, if he knows where to find you.
Understand that these are all strong indicators that the abuser wants you back, but don’t for one minute mistake these actions for repentance or heartfelt change. These are usually acts of desperation – to get his enabler-victim back into his world as soon as possible – to keep things from changing. There is also an element of ego involved here. The abuser doesn’t like to look bad. The agenda is to protect himself, not his victim.
Build His Case Against You
The abuser will begin to quickly go on the offense while constructing a strong defense. In a short amount of time, he will put together a thorough history of his own making meant to highlight your failures and shortcomings as well as a record of the many sacrifices and accommodations he has made for your benefit in years past. “And this is the thanks I get.” He will use it on you first, reminding you of the terrible things you have said and done, and any number of them can be used in defense of his abuse. Often, the story he concocts will have little basis in reality. Most likely the story will be constructed of lies laced with truth. When you begin to hear the tale repeated by those in your circle, essentially word for word, it will begin to take on a convincing air of legitimacy. If his record of shame is not adequate to humiliate you to the point of actually apologizing to him and returning to him out of a sense of guilty obligation, he will take it to the next level – and turn up the pressure.
To increase the intensity, he will suddenly produce evidence of his uncompromising willingness to change. He will initiate a meeting with your pastor, agree to go to counseling, or start attending Bible study. Expect him to trumpet these pro-active efforts far and wide as confirmation of his miraculous and heartfelt transformation. As he begins to gain confidence that his story is winning him supporters, he will urge you to meet with the pastor and encourage you to talk to your common acquaintances, who will be just so happy to affirm how hard he is trying, while you are clearly unwilling to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. He has officially made you the bad guy.
Expect that he will push against the boundaries you have set to minimize conversation and personal contact, then complain bitterly that you are unreasonable if you do not accommodate him. On those occasions when you attempt to prove how reasonable you are by giving in to him, he will exploit your kindness with more game-playing.
Recruit Allies
Next, it’s time to bring in the big guns – your friends and family members. You might be stunned by how fast his story of your failure to honor your marriage vows will hit the streets. He will have the script down pat. It will be only a matter of time before you start to get phone calls or e-mails expressing disappointment in your harsh and selfish actions. People you trusted will suddenly be parroting his lies – the effects your midlife crisis or obvious hormonal imbalance is having on your relationship, or the rumors (which he started) that you are pretending to be single. You will discover from others how you have alienated your children against him, and if he can get your kids on board, he knows the pain and pressure they can bring to bear might compel you to see things his way. It is the ultimate betrayal and a cruel manipulation of those who should never be used as pawns in this self-serving chess match. Long-time friends, members of your church family, and your pastor are all essential recruits. Many abuse victims share how they have received corrective direction from pastors who have bought in, and well-meaning but deceived friends will send abuse victims articles on how to save their marriage or the terrible consequences of divorce.
There is no reasonable way of countering the abuser’s untrue, but well-rehearsed account in a single conversation with anyone, and you may well end more than one encounter feeling foolishly defensive or completely misunderstood. You may even begin to question if you’ve missed something, if perhaps maybe everything really is your fault. Playing he-said-she-said with your kids will also churn up more strife between you and send the message to your abuser that he is winning, inspiring him to continue the assault on your character to those who mean the most to you.
And all of these tactics can be traced to a singular purpose:
To Break Down Your Resistance
The end objective is to put heavy pressure on you from every possible angle. Using what he hopes will be an emotionally lethal combination of confusion, guilt, manipulation and pressure from his many allies, he has left no stone unturned in his effort to construct a wall of shame, an emotional bulldozer.
Don’t mistake this barrage of activity for love – some gallant, if desperate, effort to restore your marital relationship and a desire to see you content and fulfilled. This is about winning. Even if he promises you the sun, moon and stars, take a closer look at the extreme measures he has taken to try to get you back under the same roof. Is he genuinely concerned about why you have been unhappy and what your needs and concerns are? Is he genuinely repentant for his abusive treatment? Is he doing everything possible to re-earn your trust? Is he seeking ongoing counsel on his own initiative to begin to address his controlling, hostile, abusive ways? If he is like most abusers, the answers will not be in his favor. The aforementioned tactics are simply another manifestation of abuse.
The abuser’s bottom line is that he wants things just the way they were before you walked out the door. He intends to get there by swarming you with so-called evidence that you are wrong. Ask yourself, “What has really changed?” If you don’t have a good answer to that question, well, you have your answer.
Don’t give in to overwhelming pressure simply because you believe it might be easier to return to him while proving to him and others that you are not unreasonable. If you return home for the wrong reasons, you can bet that he will rub your nose in how wrong you were for years to come. Just because you have been trained to give in doesn’t mean you should.
What you need to do to stay grounded:
Remember Where You’ve Been
No one except you, your children and God really know what has taken place in your home. And just because some of your friends, family members and even your kids are suddenly siding with their abusive father doesn’t make them right. Of course your children want the family whole and happy, and many kids are willing to accept that Dad has changed, and Mom should give him another chance. But if nothing has really changed, then nothing will change.
Stand On What You Know
What are you seeing? Repentance? Change? If what I have described thus far is indicative of what you have experienced in separation, then you are not seeing repentance or change, only manipulation, guilt, blame and pressure from his allies. You might see some compliance, which is not to be confused with change. Compliance is when the abuser gives you the bare minimum under duress to “prove” to you that he is trying. There is no desire there, only an obligatory act that enables him to continue to point a finger of condemnation at you – his victim. Words are just words, and actions speak much louder. With that in mind, what do you know to be true?
Learn to Trust Your Instincts
As abuse victims we are trained to doubt our convictions and diminish our feelings. We are told that we expect too much and sacrifice too little. Now that you are apart from your abuser, you will need to re-learn to trust those red and yellow flags that pop up when you read those hostile e-mails or hear manipulative messages over the phone. When everything in your heart screams, “Danger,” listen to that inner voice. Learn to say ‘no.’ Keep those boundaries in place. You have erected them to protect yourself and your family. When you find yourself confused, seek counsel from a trusted counselor, confidant or support person who recognizes what you are dealing with and can help you to see through the insanity and stand strong.
Stop Being Shocked
Even after years and years of manipulation and verbal attacks, I wonder why we as victims are still shocked by the cruel things our abuser says or does. He may begin a conversation calmly and rationally (which he has probably rehearsed before he ever engages), and you are no sooner sucked into the notion that common sense might just prevail when he strikes. He will likely target your sensibilities – your faith, your children or your reputation – and you will still be surprised by the maliciousness of the attack.
Stop being shocked. In every encounter, expect his real attitudes and motives to be revealed in an overtly ugly and offensive way. Then you will not feel guilty when you are compelled to walk away, hang up or tell him, ‘no.’
Quell Any Inclination to Prove Yourself
This is not about what others think about you; this is about you choosing to do what is right and best for yourself and your family according to the dictates of your conscience. Some people in your circle and even in your own family will probably not “get it.” There comes a point where you are wasting your breath to try to explain what some people simply cannot understand, and it is simply easier for them to condemn something they have never experienced. Many abuse victims must by necessity keep a safe distance from certain people who are naïvely critical.
Standing on the truth sometimes means refusing to read or respond to those idealistic your-marriage-can-be-saved articles from your church-going friends. I’m sorry to say that it will probably be a poor use of your time and energy to respond or try to enlighten those people. Odds are good that you will find yourself in an unproductive conversation that leaves you frustrated and emotionally deflated.
For those whose children come home after a day with Dad with a mind full of half-truths and well-honed criticisms, it is more difficult to remain silent. Kids who have been fully indoctrinated may not be receptive to any defense on your part, so it is best to keep things short and simple. “That is not exactly the way it is,” or “You’re just going to have to trust me on this,” or “I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for me, too, and I am trying to do what is best for all of us,” may be some appropriate ways of minimizing drama. Some kids will mimic the name-calling or manipulative tactics they have seen used. Demand respect, and let them know that such behaviors are unacceptable.
As painful as it is, it may simply take time – sometimes years – for our children to see the truth for themselves. My eldest son gave me little but grief and angrily questioned my decision to divorce his father for seven long years, while I continued to love and reach out to him. Only two years ago did he confess how wrong he was and apologized to me with tears how he had treated me during the time he believed his father’s lies. It was a long, rough road, but I could not tell him what he refused to receive and ultimately had to discover on his own.
Wait
Time reveals truth. Virtually every abuse victim I have encountered shares a moment of profound weakness – when their abuser has come to them in utter despair and seemingly bared their pained soul, confessing their failures, begging forgiveness with passion and promises that everything will change, that they will never love another. Everything in us wants to receive the abuser’s enlightened revelation and rush into his arms and sing the Hallelujah Chorus.
Please wait. Do not allow one encounter to birth doubt in your mind or alter your view of him. Make no snap decisions. As eager as you are to believe it all, I hope you will take a step back. Let time reveal where his heart truly lies. Keep it all business. Then watch and wait. More often than not, his outpouring is another desperate ploy, all part of the game. For those who choose to maintain a healthy skepticism, it is often only a matter of days and sometimes a few short hours before an abuser is frustrated by your tepid response, and he will often become not only angry but enraged. This man who declared his love for no one but you will attack with a vengeance when you fail to give him the reaction he sought.
Waiting is a wise strategy in virtually every scenario when dealing with an abuser. Hasty decisions will end up costing you, boundaries will fall, and you may end up wondering why you ever gave him an inch, because now he is barking at you to lighten up and give him a mile.
Refuse to be railroaded. Give decisions time to stew. Get feedback from others you trust. Consider the costs and the consequences. Don’t act until you have a confident peace.
For those walking this difficult road, I hope this information helps you to stand strong and stay balanced and focused on the end goal – a healthy and abuse-free life for you and your family.
*Statistically speaking, most abusers are men. For the sake of simplicity, the male gender is used in this article; however, it is also recognized that many abusers are female. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6828549
Copyright 2012, All Rights Reserved
Cindy, You’ve done it again! Great post, sister!
With havin so much content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism
or copyright infringement? My blog has a lot of completely
unique content I’ve either authored myself or outsourced but it appears a lot of it is popping it up all over the internet without my authorization. Do you know any techniques to help stop content from being stolen? I’d truly appreciate it.
Hi Marcella, yes we have run into a few problems but not very much. One person just copied or content and told her readers it was her own. I contacted her and she took it down. We try to remember to put copyright on the bottom of all the articles. We also let people know they can use our articles as long as they use a link referring it back to us. So far it hasn’t been much of an issue for us. We have more of an issue with antagonists.
Good luck, hope I was helpful.
Doug
Thank you so much for writing this. I am in the middle of attempting to leave my abusive husband of 10 years and it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. No one understands. Some don’t understand why I’m trying to leave, and some don’t understand why I’ve stayed as long as I have. I’ve dealt with so much anger and backlash from his friends and family (luckily most of mine did not take the bait). I’ve been confused for months and gone back and forth many times. I’ve wanted to please God and be the good, forgiving and sympathetic wife, but I see my husband in this (sometimes word for word!) and I know I’m just being played. It hurts because I had truly wanted his declarations of love and vows to change to be real. I absolutely related to the part about wanting to rush into his arms and sing hallelujah, but I’ve been praying for clarity and feeling confused for so long now, and this is definitely an answered prayer. Everything I’ve read on this site so far has been SO helpful and eye-opening! I felt like it was written just for me and I don’t even know how I came across it but thank you!!
Hello, Katie.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write and share some of your story. I am so sorry about all that you have been through and what you continue to deal with. It looks like perhaps you have had the opportunity to visit my website, and if there is anything in particular you are looking for, please feel free to e-mail me personally (cindy@hurtbylove.com) or post your questions and comments on our forum. I will be happy to direct you to resources that might help or answer your questions and walk with you through this.
As you can tell, I’ve been where you are. Hindsight is 20-20, and I have come to be an “expert” of sorts on the tactics of the abuser and the role we enabler-victims play in the dynamic.
I’ll be happy to help you if I can.
Thank you for your kind comments. Keep on learning and you will grow stronger!
I wish you well and hope to hear from you.
Cindy
Hi there…I just found your site and love it. Thank you for being there for myself and so many others!
Honestly, my fear (and biggest obstacle) at this point is how to make it financially on my own. I do have a full time job, but apparently my annual income comes up short to being able to qualify for a 2-bedroom apartment (I have 1 child, who was born late in life, still at home).
My husband loves to use threats like, “You’ll lose your health insurance if you divorce me!” and says he’ll bring all sorts of awful things up in court about me, as if that will convince the judge that HE’S the true victim, which he believes will result in him getting to keep all or the lion’s share of our mutual assets.
Our entire marriage, he’s insisted that I have my entire paycheck deposited into our joint checking account. He’s always earned more than enough to support us but wanted me to work anyway, so all the extra income, he invested, resulting in him having many thousands of dollars squirreled away that I cannot touch. He’ll say, “We wouldn’t have that if you hadn’t worked” (when he’s in an “appreciative” mood), followed by, “Of course, it’s half yours, if you’re married to me!”
He’ll say things like, it isn’t fair if I get any of his pension, that the person who wants the divorce, should not be able to benefit financially, etc. All I see in my head is him hiring a nasty lawyer and the two of them running me through the mud and me winding up homeless. He can be SO convincing that he’s nothing but a wonderful person, to other people. I do live in a no-fault state, but I still don’t know that much about possible outcomes.
The sad thing is, I know he doesn’t love me, but if I stay married to him, he gets to keep all his $$$. He’s had a serious problem with greed and covetousness since I’ve known him. I could write horror stories here but there isn’t the space.
Most of all, I want custody of my 9-year-old son. I have lots of people who can vouch for me that I’m a decent mom, while it’s basically only My husband who can say otherwise, but I’m still scared. I don’t know why. My son is in counseling, and the therapist knows (from him) what goes on in the house. I believe he would only try to seek custody, to get out of paying child support. 🙁
I moved past the stage of him trying to win me back with promises to change, etc., a long time ago. I used to leave from time to time, but he’d managed to convince me our “problems” really weren’t so bad, that if *I* would just change/stop doing this or that, we’d be fine…at this point, I really don’t even care anymore if he believes I’m a total nut job and that it’s all my fault…it doesn’t matter…all I dream about is being away from him for a really long time, and seeing what happens inside my head/heart/spirit…
Thank you for reading.
Hello, “Mommy.”
I am glad you found the site and took the time to write me. You are further along than you realize.
If I can be so bold, I think you may just need to spend more time doing some homework.
Your husband’s financial threats are typical. You need to find out from your local court (and often they have no-cost seminars and fact-based legal information available) so you understand more clearly how the laws work where you live. Surely, you can obtain documentation showing the money that was earned by investing your paycheck. Those assets are as much yours as his, and he may have to contribute financial support, as well.
Custody issues may be more easily resolved than you realize, if you have a counselor who can objectively attest to your son’s needs and concerns. A court mediator may also be able to appoint you as the sole or primary custodial parent should your son make it clear that that is what he would prefer. (Just don’t attempt to coach your son on this.)
Your husband wants you to be afraid of the possible outcomes. He makes those threats to keep you bound. Do the work and then look for options.
Don’t give up. I have seen miraculous things happen…
Please keep in touch.
Cindy
Thank you. (I’ve changed my user name, but it’s still me:) )
It’s so hard to find anything out, though. Abusers can be so larger than life, can’t they? He goes online whenever he wants to check my cellphone records, find out who’ve I’ve been texting/how often, you name it.
And then there’s the accounting of wherever I go! Honestly, he needs to know, because according to him, I’ve always been so “sneaky,” oh, and a liar, and don’t we know it isn’t Christian to lie…
I used to go to a woman’s group, but that was in the evening and I gave up after being interrogated…I truly DON’T like “sneaking” or “lying,” but what can a woman do, when asked where she’s going/where she’s been?
Honestly, that’s a major problem I have, when it comes to trying to find things out/get support. Thank goodness he finally “let” me get my own computer (mostly because he didn’t want me using his anymore), and I have the internet.
I’m grateful others here understand…there are so many women who have never been abused, who simply say, “Why don’t you just leave? I would never tolerate that!” Sometimes that feels like someone asking why you don’t just escape the Alcatraz.
Sorry for rambling! I look forward to reading your whole site when I’m able. Thank you again…
Goodness! This hit the nail on the head! (Again) I have gained so much from this site and have often wanted to let you know what a comfort it has been to me.
My x has, or is going through each of these stages. This article, like so many on your site, has had a sobering, saddening affect, yet given a sense of peace, or at least acceptance of what has and is happening to me and my kids.
I was a stay at home mom who had never worked outside the home when my x went to prison in April 2010. I had stuck it out for over 17 years in a classic patriarchal, narcissistic relationship because I was a classic godly wife. Shaking head…..
By the time he got out in August 2011 I had learned so many things, amongst which there was no way on earth i was going to subject my children or me to that old life again.
So I packed up my 9 kids ranging from 12 months to 17 years and moved 3 hours away in with another family with 6 kids because I didn’t want to fight about the house, or have him force himself into our now peaceful home.
We lived with my friends for over 4 months until I got my feet under me enough to get a decent job, and find a house for rent. (Can you believe someone rented to a single mom of 9 kids?)
I only in the past few months found your site, but it has been a tremendous help to me. It has helped me see ME, and opened my eyes to what we have been through because of x, and what we might go through. Common feelings, actions, reactions, etc. Thank you! A deep, heart felt THANK YOU for publishing this site.
Hello, Jayne.
Your name is familiar…
Thank you so much for taking the time to share some of your incredible story and to let me know that my experience and writings have ministered to you. It blesses me more than you know.
I commend you for your conviction and courage in the midst of such a difficult situation. I’m sure that your few words cannot begin to capture all that you and your children have been through to get where you are. It can be a very difficult road, but also worth the ride to reclaim your life and give your kids a better future.
God bless you! And thank you for taking the time to write. I appreciate your kind comments more than you know.
Cindy
And is there an article about the abusive women who are effectively the same against men?
Hello, Believer. I appreciate that you took the time to write.
I get similar questions from time to time. I wholly recognize that men can also be subject to abuse and have known a few women abusers myself… My experience is with an abusive husband. Although an abusive woman might respond similarly should her husband leave, I’m not sure I am well-equipped to assert that. You are more than welcome to add your comments to the mix in the event that your experience has been consistent with mine – or not.
Generally speaking, as my ministry is primarily to women, and it is simply a lot of work to utilize “him or her” or “he or she” in everything I write, doing so would make the points much more cumbersome to convey. The readers’ understanding is appreciated. I can also highly recommend A Cry For Justice’s website. They have several male contributors who do great work. I hope this helps.
Thank you for writing.
Cindy
Thank you for writing.
Thank you so so much for this! I posted it on our “Give Her Wings” FB page. Blessings!!
Honestly, mine just cut me off and acted like I no longer existed… which actually did lead me to contact him and eventually go back. Breaking the relationship off can sometimes be harder than people realize.
Yes, I know that there a variety of tactics an abuser might use. Abusers know their victim’s vulnerabilities. In your case, he had an idea that if he pretended he didn’t want to have anything to do with you, you would reach out to him. Abusers are not only scary; they’re also smart.
Dear Cindy, thank you for yet another eye opener and validation of what I believe I have lived with. My abusive ex (we split up permanently about a month ago) also likes ignoring me as he knows I have abandonment issues from my childhood. What he doesn’t know is that I got over them. And even if I still had them I would never go back. So he ignores my emails for days, even if they concern our children; he used to do that when we were still together but he had moved into another flat with the excuse of getting more work done there. I know he has no problem pretending he never read an email about the kids needing something, knowing I would only go to him as a last option. Although I thank God he is not a stalker and I know he will piss off and leave us in peace, I’m worried about child support, as we never got married. I know he will only send what he feels like, when he feels like it. Looks like I will have to work, although I have 3 young kids (6, almost 3 and 5 months). My family says I should sue for child support but that means if he can’t pay it he goes to prison. That is not a choice; it would cause an endless mess, endless resentment and retaliation on his part, not to mention his family, who I still get along well with. He is sort of a psycho and he will hurt people if they provoke him enough. My relatives don’t know how cruel and vengeful he can be. So I’m not taking him to court.
He has often done what you wrote above, I mean starting an email exchange or conversation on a respectful, friendly tone, to test the water, only to turn spiteful and full of rage at the slightest provocation. Recently he went as far as forwarding out private emails to his family and went on to rant that I was unfit to raise children, he would take them off me and so forth. The first time he threatened this I got scared; I know no he has no ability or interest to raise children, especially by himself, since he can barely stand them for two hours in a row, unless he is drunk and in a good mood. He has berated me in front of them many times, telling them I was useless, stupid and crazy. I can’t believe I stayed with him for so long.
Hello, Maria.
Going back through some of these comments, it looks like I may have never responded to this post. If that is the case, I am so sorry. It is rare that I miss someone, and I apologize. Not knowing where things stand with you at the moment, I want you to feel free to contact me again, and I will do what I can to direct and encourage you.
Again, I apologize for the oversight and hope to hear from you.
Cindy
This website has ministered deeply to me. A friend has been sharing posts from your site on FB and I finally got the nerve to take the assessment. It confirmed what I already knew.
I have so many questions and concerns. We have a very young son, so even though I work, I have reservations due to financial needs. I have been told by loved ones not to leave my house (unless in physical danger) but when I have discussed divorce seriously on a few occassions, my spouse always finds a way/discussion points to stay. How do I get him to actually LEAVE?
I do want him to have time with his son but how do I keep an amicable relationship to share custody when I anticipate that he will be angry?
How much of the deceit do I share with the court to have them favor me while not wanting things on the record that my son may be able to look back on one day? (Again, protecting him –sigh).
I think that I am just truly afraid of the sepeartaion but realize more each day how necessary it is to my own well-being.
God, I believe but help my unbelief.
Any thoughts?
Thank you and please, continue to be a light on hill.
Oh, dear Hope. I am very glad that you finally decided to look deeper and find out more about what it is you are dealing with. I am very sorry that you are hurting so and appreciate your fears and concerns. I have been there.
First, I want to affirm you and share that God does not condone abuse in marriage, and breaking the cycle of abuse will likely fall to you. Abusers are adept at telling us what they know we want to hear to diffuse a situation, but words do not necessarily translate into change (as it seems you have discovered). It is highly unlikely that your husband will leave the home. He knows that remaining there makes it more difficult for you. If you tell him that you want a divorce and specifically tell him that you want him to leave – for your child’s sake, in particular – would he?
If the answer is ‘no,’ then you will need to leave. You will not have all of the answers before you take the leap. You will have to act on what you know to be true and let God show you the way and meet your needs. Yes, do your homework and craft somewhat of a plan if you can. Get emotional support. Will it be easy or convenient once you step out? Probably not. Your husband will not allow it. You need to be willing to do what you know is right and best for yourself and your son. Also know that you may not get much support from fellow believers. Don’t let that stop you. Follow the Holy Spirit’s direction in your life.
With regard to the courts, you will know what to say when the time comes. Speak the truth and nothing more. You cannot control your husband’s anger, nor is it your responsibility to assuage it. If it is clear that he is unsafe for your son to be around, then the court – and you – have an responsibility to protect your son. But, “amicable” is not generally a word I would use to characterize divorce from an abuser. He will fight it every step of the way – and make it your fault when you don’t accommodate his wishes.
I am happy to help and direct you as I can. And you can always e-mail me privately – cindyburrell@hurtbylove.com.
Cindy
I’m going to be brief-at present I am very relieved to finally have found this site-going on about three hours sleep a night just searching to see if I was the only pastors wife that has left-as much as I can relate in my current situation-I am determined to try and make every attempt to begin a demographic data analysis that is so overwhelming a project of priority- that a small but influential group who will as long as possible remain out of secular media publishing sharks reporting on the unstable and hypocritical church. I was hoping that a network of safe havens-not just random people volunteers-most mainstream denominations pastors wives could not find the place to fall apart and be supported by Christian women who understand what is the current situation as far as finding what should be very carefully and gentle transition-I worked and earned a ms comm taught and supported and then thru isolation after both parents passed away-stepped out and was immediately plunged into a cold reality-no eligibility for any state or federal funds no money tonight I finally get another couple hours sleep go out job hunting in rented car I cant afford to return-some kind of allergic reaction from ? No money for food-but now just enough evidence to begin asking seminaries-charities-etc for funding-the emotional-physical and spiritual pain is just short of bearable-most wouldnt believe my testimony It is savage!and yet i know somehow the protocol of addressing wheres whys and hows of this neglect and apathy toward preachers wives esp. those of us which are supporters through the first little country church experience and then years fly past-he refuses to step down and says if I tell he will not pay anything ever-don’t want to be sapphira-so many ????still in shock he is son of millionaire parents who paid off all church building funds-listed ceo and I must stop at that-please pray-too much more to even address-I just believe I finally found some prayer partners-thanks
Hello, Linda.
I am so sorry to learn of your difficulties. I am glad that you found the website and want you to know that you are not alone, and I know God will make a way for you. I think the pain and betrayal may in some ways be multiplied when the abuser is also a pastor or in church leadership, a man who claims to be a godly man and whom other people also believe to be so. I’m sure that breaking away has been extremely stressful. But try not to measure your need to leave him against what other people think or expect of you. Some people will never understand or support those of us who have had to leave. But those of us who have survived and recovered will support you, and God will never leave you nor forsake you.
May God give you the wisdom and strength to press on for the sake of what you know to be right and true. And please look through the resources we provide and let me know how I might be able to direct you.
In Him,
Cindy
If you have filed for a legal separation or divorce, most legal systems would require that you be provided with some measure of financial support. I hope you will look into that.