Mr. Religious-Abuser,
My name is Doug Burrell, co-founder of a ministry that helps women who are married to super religious, super anointed, scripture spouting, pharisaical vipers who are full of dead men’s bones!
If you’re reading this letter, it most likely applies to you. Who in the hell do you think you are treating a precious gift from God the way you do? I know how you play the game; how you are always faithful in church and how you put on a great smile with everyone you meet. How you are falsely charming to everyone BUT your wife! I know you have the pastor and many others fooled into thinking you’re the next best thing since sliced bread. Well guess what? I know it’s all a lie! That’s right! You’re just a scared little man, afraid that everyone will find out who you really are. That’s the reason for the show. Your entire life is an act, and you know it! News Flash – The world doesn’t revolve around you, and NO you’re not special at all!
You tell your wife that she can’t live without you, when it’s you who can’t bear the thought of rejection! I know that if and when your wife confronts you or catches you in the act of cowardice or betrayal, you promise to never do it again. But it’s only temporary compliance to stave the out-of-control feeling that you are experiencing.
At some point if you haven’t already, you’re going to forbid (I’m laughing) your wife from even seeing her family or some of her friends because you think they are not a good influence (still laughing). You will bar your wife and kids from having any visits with these threatening people, because they are a threat to your plans of total dominance. Yep, just what Jesus had in mind! Shoot, I’m really blowing it!
Furthermore, I know that if your wife asks you to leave that you will become desperate and will call in the troops at church to rally to your side. You will paint the picture of a poor little misunderstood man whose wife is not being godly and forgiving. Or you will convince the troops that she is going through that time of life. This is where the scripture quoting is thrown all over the place! You will even have the audacity to say “I’m the leader of this house.” What a farce! Some leader you are, abandoning your wife emotionally, physically and spiritually. Not being sacrificial as Jesus says to be. NO you;’re not, you think you are but you’re not! The fact that your thinking about yourself proves it!
Over the years, your wife has forgiven you countless times and yet when she is at her wits’ end, you and the troops tells her she has to be forgiving! What a slap in the face, are you kidding me? ‘You should just go crawl under a rock and hide somewhere at this point, you big sissy! It is only a fool that returns to his own vomit, and you want her to forgive you? Oh but wait there’s more! I forgot the almighty 70 times 7 verse! Oh what was I thinking? I was thinking she should have left you a long time ago, Loser!
I also know that your religion and faith are a farce, because as soon as she leaves you you’re going to start getting drunk, maybe even smoke pot. You know why? Because it didn’t work. Your religion was phony from the start. If it were real you would not have been treating your wife with such cruelty.
You want your marriage to work? Lead with lov,e not iron. Learn what love really is, love her and cherish her, she deserves it after putting up with your sorry butt. Above all else, stop making everything about you, this is what got you into this mess in the first place. Oh, and lastly give your life to Jesus seriously this time. Either do this or lose it all.
Doug Burrell www.hurtbylove.com
copyright @ 2012 all rights reserved
Go get ’em, Doug!
Crying as I read this, wish someone had written this to my ex. No one would dare to speak to him like this as he was the “anointed” pastor. Only he didn’t turn to drink after being arrested for assault but became even more religious, fasting and asking everyone to pray that his marriage would be restored. It is his way of trying to manipulate God into doing what he wants, when God was the one who set me free from an abusive 25 year bondage.
I’m so sorry read about what you have been through, Helen. Your husband’s efforts to prove his commitment, rally the troops to his aid and try to make you look bad are typical.
I am glad, though, that you have the opportunity to see that some of us “get it,” including my husband and others like him. Unfortunately, as you are aware, people in our position- seem to constantly face an uphill battle in educating our brothers and sisters and many pastors. Try not to worry about what others say to you or about you. This is between you and your Lord. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed! Yes, it hurts, and you know they can’t relate, and you may feel an obligation to defend yourself. You are under no obligation to do so. You have an Advocate who knows it all. Stand on what you know to be true, and hold your head high. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
I love what you shared about God setting you free. I, and many others I know, experienced the same kind of personal release, and my experience was the impetus for my newest book, “God Is My Witness: Making a Case for Biblical Divorce.”
Thanks for taking the time to share, and come and “visit” any time.
Cindy
hurtbylove.com
Helen, I know this thread is over a year old, but I googled your name & found you here. I hope it’s the same Helen I’m looking for. I have wanted to give you encouragement about an incredibly spot on prophetic word you gave me about 5 years ago, after you came to our church to speak about a recent trip you’d taken to Israel. The fruit of this word you gave is so exciting & reaping a harvest you can’t imagine. Please email me if you feel led.
bekcurtispfblog@gmail.com
Anyone who seeks pity and places blame should never be trusted by the “troops at the church.” That should be an immediate red flag. Great letter!
Hi Paula, thanks for the comment. Red flags are not seen by overly optimistic legalistic people that believe that divorce should never happen! BS is what it is. BTW you have a good looking site. I am looking at it right now. I will have to read your stuff. I am forwarding your site to my wife as well.
Doug
Hi, Paula. Boy, are you right. I can’t figure how why so many pastors and church leaders can’t see through that stuff.
Paula, I just noticed you were on my wifes site. I manage both sometimes. I’m sure she will see this post. Thanks again.
Doug
Thank you, Doug.
Im going through this right now with my husband,we have been seperated 2 times and its all my fault??oneday he loves me and the next he cant tear me down enough.Im so broken ,,,,,,we are going through counseling right now and what you wrote sounds so familar,all i heard was how i was acting and how ineeded to change never once anything directed towards my husabnd,he says he doesnt belive in divorce he believes in god,and at times he has all the right words,but the other times is exactly what you wrote.i feel so alone ,completely alone in this,i wish someone could speak up to him,or witness whats going on,im so broken inside i just do not understand how someone can be so cruel,and what hurts is im told im the one who needs to change??even by the counselor,and he does have everyone convinced that he is the saint….my stamach is in knots im just lost,and wish i could write my feelings down like that,or have someone stand up for me,i thought that this would happen going to counseling,it hasnt in fact the few things that have been discussed have been thrown back in my face.i just dont know what to do.what can be done???im so lost!!!!all i want is my marriage t work,but im doing it by myself.
Hello, Angela. Your story breaks my heart. I am so sorry for where you find yourself, but you are definitely not alone.
There are many of us who have been where you find yourself now and will help you to walk through this – to see the truth, to help you to see abuse for what it is, and reclaim your value. God will not abandon you either.
All of the things you describe are consistent with an abusive relationship. I hope you will take some time to visit our website, read the articles and access the many other resources we provide there. You might also want to join the users’forum where you can post comments and questions and get feedback from others in various stages of healing.
Please don’t stop looking for the information and help that will set you give you the strength and wisdom you need. It is within your reach! You don’t have to live this way. You don’t deserve to be abused. I don’t care what anybody says. And many of us have heard the same garbage you wrote of. And couples counseling, frankly, doesn’t work with an abuser. Abusers know how to twist and manipulate a pastor or counselor… Apparently, you’ve discovered that.
Feel free to e-mail me through the website at http://www.hurtbylove.com.
Thank you for having the courage and taking the time to share.
Cindy
Angela,
Please read “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”. Most helpful book to me. Never ever do couples/marriage counseling with an abusive partner. Ask your counselor to split the time in half and give that a try. If that doesn’t help, find a new counselor. Abusive men take what is said about you in counseling and they’ll throw it back in your face like daggers. It’s just more ammo. They also will take notes of all your inner thoughts and worries, your childhood struggles, and anything else you divulge in the sessions and they’ll use that too. I would keep a journal. Write everything down that is said to you or that happens to you. Hide this journal. I carry mine with me when I leave the house and my husband no longer lives here. We’re FINALLY getting a divorce.
Jus the right letter for my abusive pastor husband. I have been seperated from him for a year now and i’m actually a better christian without him. The 6 years i have been living with him have been a horror and i couldnt talk to anybody about it because he would not let me get close to my family & friends. He has the worst vocabulary i have ever heard. I had loved to have a descent married life with a man who loves God but i jus cant stand this “man of God”. Inasmuch as i wanted my marriage i will soon be a divorcee if he cant be a changed man. when i left him instead of being sorry he was angry and didnt try to get me back until someone told him to. At first his answer was i have to show that i love him. He then afterwards started to try to get in touch with me. It pains me to leave my marriage & i dont have energy to start over again but living with this man would kill me.
Hello, Caroline. I can only tell you that I am glad that you see through this. I hope you have come to an understanding of what the abusive relationship looks and feels like. If you are interested in more information, I hope you will peruse our website and look through some of the articles I have written there. My book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” would probably also help you to see the abuse dynamic more clearly – and your role in it. If there are certain subjects you are looking for, let me know and I will try to direct you or answer your questions.
You mentioned that your husband would not let you get close to your family and friends… that is a standard abuse tactic – isolation. Very common with most abusers.
I am happy to help if I can. You might also benefit from my book, “God Is My Witness: Making a Case for Biblical Divorce.” You may find yourself pressured to remain in your abusive marriage “for the sake of marriage.” I want you to know that there is plenty of biblical justification for divorce – because of the sanctity of marriage!
Thank you for taking the time to share. My husband is a great advocate for the protection of women – having seen firsthand the harm abuse causes, even in so-called “Christian” marriages.
In Him,
Cindy
I understand exactly what you’re feeling and going through! I was married to a pastor and missionary for 27 years. I tried many times over the years to be heard and to request that he stop abusing me, but he could not hear me through his own wants and needs.
I could hardly bear to hear him preach from the pulpit and felt nauseous several times as he told the congregation how husbands should love their wives.
I have published an ebook on Amazon, “Sexual Abuse in Marriage”, that might be helpful to you.
Thank you for the information, Dee Anne. This is definitely a deep, dark secret within the church. I am sorry for what you for forced to endure, but I am glad that you found freedom and wrote your book to offer truth and comfort to others in similar situations. I will check it out!
Thank you for sharing.
Cindy
Wow! I wish I could send this to my abusive husband. We’re separated and he keeps saying that he doesn’t know what he needs to work on etc. lol, right.
I’m struggling with anger, hurt, and abandonment feeling lately. Not sure how to work through the feelings.
Thank you for the wonderful information. Bless you!
In Him,
Tymerie
Hello, Tymerie.
I’m sorry about what you are going through. I can tell you that your husband’s response is pretty typical of abusers. The fact that he doesn’t know what he needs to change is a sign that he doesn’t think he does… If you haven’t already read it, I would encourage you to read, “Checklist Blackmail” at the following link: http://www.hurtbylove.com/?p=436
I think it may be helpful to you.
I’m happy to help as I can. Feel free to e-mail me on my website and let me know what is going on, and I’ll try to direct you.
Cindy
I’m so glad I found your blog. I was married for 27 years and my husband and I were missionaries in South America. He was a wonderful missionary and pastor, in the eyes of anyone who didn’t know what went on at home. He was sexually abusive and my opinions, wishes or feelings didn’t count. After all, I was his wife and he had a “right” to do whatever he wanted with me, right? After 27 years I finally left.
I appreciate you addressing this topic.
I have written an ebook, “Sexual Abuse in Marriage” found on Amazon, for women who are struggling with this in their marriage, with steps to take to make the needed changes, or leave.
I hope you will recommend my book as needed to your readers.
Thank you again for your courage and compassion.
Dee Anne Pierce
dee.anne.pierce@gmail.com