“No one else will ever want you.”
It is as though he has taken a branding iron and seared the words into your soul. Rather than reject them and recognize that the one who speaks is both cruel and a liar, you find yourself teetering on the edge of self-doubt, pondering the words, allowing them to resonate and take root – undisputed.
“Why would he say something so hurtful? He must see something that I don’t see in myself. What if I am truly unlovable, a loser, a failure?”
It is a heartless deception. Should you allow those thoughts to simmer, apart from a proper understanding of the abuser’s agenda, you may begin to accept and even believe the lie, if for no other reason than the one spewing the slander also has the audacity to tell you that he loves you. It is somehow easier to accept that he is sincere than to believe that he is deliberately trying to hurt you – and therefore doesn’t really love you at all. That option is just too painful to entertain, and that little crack in your broken heart allows his hurtful words to seep in.
What you need to know is that, if he can get you to believe his lies, they keep you bound to him. You will actually begin to see him as someone who is patient and even benevolent. He is willing to tolerate your presence, to put up with you in spite of your many, glaring inadequacies. He graciously gives you an opportunity to improve yourself when he is fully aware that you are a pathetic, throw-away creature wholly unworthy of him.
What a guy.
The moment you give his assessment of you the smallest measure of credibility, you begin to give him the power to define who you are. In a gallant effort to demonstrate loyalty and submission and perhaps earn his love, your actions may in fact reflect an assumption that his truth is the truth. The moment you set out on a mission to convince him that he is wrong about you, you actually give credence to all the terrible things he says. You put stock in the false identity that he has chosen for you.
Recognize that his words are deliberately designed to cut and crush and cripple. There is not a trace of love – or truth – woven among them.
“You don’t know what you are talking about. ”
“How can you be so stupid?”
“I don’t need you; you need me.”
“There is something seriously wrong with you.”
“You can’t do anything right.”
“You are worthless.”
“I don’t know why I even put up with you.”
His words tell you that you have nothing to offer, no rights, and no value. He has you imagining that there must be some unknown quality you lack that leaves you somehow unworthy of him. Yes, those things he says are intended to drive you to contemplate how truly ashamed you will be should this relationship thing fail. He is doing his part to blind you to the truth, for you are undeniably special and desirable, and you also possess everything you need to survive and thrive without him. It is important to him that you never come to understand that truth. He must keep you down, preoccupied with his never-ending madness, and groveling for his approval.
It may be a many-years-long struggle to get past whether his words feel true to a place where you can assess whether they are true, and I am certain they are not. Then, as hard as it is, you will have to acknowledge that the things he says are not grounded in any misunderstanding; those terrible things he says to you are intentional slanders and lies. Not only does he not care if you hurt, he wants you to hurt, because your pain gives him a strong, demeaning grip on your life.
In order for you to beat back the lies, you will have to fight to remember who you really are and all the things you have to offer. Grieve the knowledge that those words should have never been spoken, they were never deserved. The words were treacherous – consistent with the nature of the one who spoke them.
Let’s look at this a different way. What are some of the things you might expect a loving husband to say to you? How about something like…
“You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“I adore you.”
“I am a very lucky man.”
When I was separated from my abuser, he would occasionally call me late at night, when he knew I would be in bed. When I would roll over to answer the phone, he would always start off with a warm “hello” and begin his late-night conversation with something benign only to quickly escalate into a tirade of injustices and offenses he claimed I had committed against him. In my sleepy stupor, I would try to defend myself, reason with him, believing I could convince him of the sincerity of my intentions. He would usually conclude his assault with an impassioned flourish of un-tempered anger and hang up on me. And, I would pull my pillow close to my chest and cry myself to sleep, wondering where I had gone wrong, why he was so intent on hurting me and considering whether there was an ounce of truth in the midst of all the malicious things he said.
Of course, all those things he said were just lies. He knew I was not sleeping around. I was not selfish or unfeeling or stupid or arrogant or lazy or dishonest or suspicious or unforgiving or any of the other words he used to describe me. No, the sickening truth of it is that the man had almost certainly been strategizing for days, assessing my vulnerabilities, planning his attack, bent on emotional annihilation. His schemes included a mountain of different ways to keep me doubting my worth and my sanity in the hope that I would break under the weight of it all.
When I finally saw the truth about the nature of the man who was my husband, it was devastating. Yet that realization allowed me to shift my focus and receive the tender affirmation from my Father-God who came alongside to strengthen me, reminding me of my true identity and my worth.
In the years following the divorce, there were moments when I could still hear the echo of my former husband’s shameful prophecy: “No one else will ever want you.” But the day came when God brought love my way, and I am free to love and be loved.
You cannot afford to allow yourself to be swept into the deep darkness of your abuser’s lies. Do not let him keep you from seeing all that you have to offer and becoming all that you wish to be. Look back, look within and remember who you are. Then look forward and choose to live a life consistent with your true identity. Hear the words of affirmation from the One who knows you and proclaims, “You are special. You have value. You are loved.”
Know that your abuser’s denigrations can only hold you captive for as long as you choose to believe them, and the man who spews them is a liar whose words rise straight from the pit of hell. There is no good reason to remain in the same household with a man who treats you so.
Cindy Burrell
Copyright 2014
All Rights Reserved
Cindy, another great post!
You allude to other ways an abuser can “speak” his disdain toward you, of a non-verbal nature. Here’s a few greatest “hits” from my own experience:
Walking away while you are talking.
Staying and listening but with a look of utter contempt on his face.
Sneering.
Interrupting.
Going behind you and re-doing things you’ve just done adding a sigh or two, or making a lot of noise.
Waiting until there’s company and then making some little comment to the “general listening audience” that to them sounds benign, perhaps even witty or amusing, but he and you both know it’s another little passive aggressive jab.
He might as well come out and just say he thinks you are worthless and a failure… But he doesn’t really have to.
You know.
(My house is so peaceful now…)
Cheers.
Once I began to realize my abuser was a liar, things became so much clearer for me. Up until then, my life made no sense. He was able to keep me confused about so much of my life. What I remembered him saying, he claimed never happened. The way others responded to me he claimed were lies. Everything was so confusing! When I finally accepted he was a liar, life began to make sense.
So sad that we have to admit that we’re dealing with a liar. Such a tragic truth – debilitating and liberating at the same time.
I agree, though. When we finally begin to accept it – willingly see it – it all makes sense in a really sick kind of way..
I put up with 20 years of this before I started fighting fore with fire. Gave him another 10 years to figure it out and finally left. Ultimate revenge…I called him on the phone to tell him I was done and that I filed for divorce. Then he is devastated? He asks if I left him for another man. LOL, then I guess I am good enough! I would rather be alone thane have this daily abuse.
If you are with some fool who beliitles you and tells you that he is just joking, get out. My only mistake was that I stayed another 29 years with this jerk who never grew up and is a liar, always thinking if I did more, worked harder then I would be good enough. Now it’s taken 4 years to rebuild my self esteem but in the end, he did not win!
Oh, by the way, I earn a 6 figure income.
Hello, “L.” I appreciate what you shared here. It is never too late to reclaim your value and your life. As hard as it it was, you finally realized that you deserved better and that his cruelties were designed to keep you doubting, hold you back, and keep you bound to him. I don’t know how these guys live with themselves, but that is not what matters; what matters is that you broke free and are beginning to live apart from the insanity. It is a lot of work to process the bad juju and break free of it, but you seem quite strong and determined. I’m glad. You go!
I thank you for taking the time to share your experience here.
Cindy
Thank you SO MUCH for this . I have been struggling with this– trying to get his voice out of my head. “No one wants you, Jennifer. No one will ever want you.” I’ve been separated and divorced for 6 years. Whenever a well-meaning friend tells me there’s a great guy out there for me, I hear those words play over and over. “You’re NO trophy wife.” I could go on and on but I want it to stop. I don’t know how to get it to stop. “You’ve just got to stop listening to that, says one person. “Stop believing it.” “When you think that, tell yourself that you are loveable and wanted.” That doesn’t work. I’m a strong, independent, capable women. It’s frustrating that I can’t get past this, can’t seem to break free from the abuse even all these years later. But your post has been validating, and help me to feel like maybe I’m not going crazy. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to allow myself to consider dating again, but maybe I’ll be able to get him out my head eventually.
Hello, Jenna. Dear one, I was so grieved to read your account of your history with that man. So let’s just say it straight: the things that man said were cruel and intentionally so. The reality was that he was a coward, afraid of losing you, afraid of you or any other man realizing how wonderful and beautiful you truly are. Those words are a poison, a design to keep you feeling inadequate and unworthy even of him. Those things he said were lies from the pit of hell. Nevertheless, I understand how deeply those messages can dig in. So the objective is to identify the lies and replace them with the truth, to go from being a victim to becoming a victor, to admitting that you are incredibly valuable and special and worthy of love.
To perhaps help with this process, I would like to encourage you to check out a few articles on the site here that might be helpful in getting your recover-and-reclaim-your-life juices flowing again. They are:
Life on the Other Side: Life on the Other Side
Say the Words: http://www.hurtbylove.com/say-the-words/ and
Bad Juju: Working Through Bad Memories: Bad Juju
Feel free to e-mail me privately as well from the About Cindy/Contact Me page, as well. I’ll be happy to help or direct you.
Wishing you healing and freedom,
Cindy
Ive experienced verbal abuse from my ex and the way it made me feel still lingers. I was told no one is going to want to marry you, you wont get anybody because youre not on anybody’s level, youre boring, etc. He even made negative comments about my body and criticized me for not being one of the “fun popular” girls. He would also get upset when he thought i was dating another man after we split. I didnt understand why he would care if i was seeing another man if he said such negative things about me. I havent been with anyone else since we split and its making me believe that maybe hes right. Im afraid that i wont find a man who will love me the way i deserve to be loved.
Hello, Aimee. I’m glad to hear from you but grieved to know the things your former husband has said to you and how he made you feel.
Dear one, please hear me. He says those things because he doesn’t want you to realize how lovable you truly are. Even though you have parted ways, he knows you know the truth about him, and he can’t bear the thought of someone else coming along and showing you how amazing and precious you are. He still wants you as a possession of sorts, someone he believes he can diminish and control with his toxic words. Letting him do so gives him power.
The truth is that he is selfish and cruel. Instead of letting those words simmer in your heart, remember who you are – all of the gifts and qualities you possess. Acknowledge those things and decide to become the best “you” you can be. Hold your head high in defiance of the lies and cruelties he has said about you. He only has the measure of power over your life that you afford him. Take it back. Reclaim your life and your value. You can do it.
You can always email me privately from the About Me/Contact Cindy page, if you’d like to “converse” privately. And I also provide phone consultations if you ever feel like you really need to talk. (See the Phone Consultations page for more information.)
Try to be strong, and reject all that junk your ex has poured into your heart. This is your life now.
Thank you for taking the time to write and share what is going on with you. You are welcome to write again.
Sincerely,
Cindy
Cindy, I just want to cry, you all helped my confirm I am being abused. I never comment on things I read but this one was a blessing to me! Besides the lies and drinking, gambling, hang ups and disrespect, laughs at me when I cry, and said I am full of drama. The fact is I rarely say anything for fear if upsetting him. He does all these things while claiming he loves me… his most recent was that my children dont want to be around me, no one comes to visit me and I wont let things go. He constantly hurts me and when I say anything I am met with denial and he says that I upset myself. My children wont come around because of him and he is right, no one comes to see me. He has lots of people who come see him but it is only to have a drink with him. I was so desperate for confirmation and you all gave that to me. Thank you all so much! ❤️
Hello, Christie. Dear one, I am so grieved to read what you shared here. Please know that you are not alone, you are not crazy, and it’s not your fault. I have been where you are. As difficult as it is to admit what you have been living with, know that information and support is available. You do not have to walk this journey alone. Your husband has been undermining your value and your happiness for too long. I know that, in time, you can come out of this and find the kind of live and love and acceptance you deserve.
Feel free to contact me through the website if you’d like – or on here if you prefer. There is a wealth of information available on the site, and I will be happy to direct you to specific articles based on where you are struggling or what questions you have. I also provide personal coaching if you are ever interested. There is more information available on my homepage.
I am so glad you took the time to write but I am so sorry that you are hurting. I truly believe that you can come out of this situation strong and whole – in time. For now, grief is part of the process, but each day is a new day.
I pray you find the truth and healing you are seeking.
Sincerely,
Cindy
I knew he was abusive and manipulative. It took me 4 years to finally leave him. It has been almost 2 years since I’ve last spoken to him and I just entered the dating scene again. After going on multiple dates and hours spent daily talking to this very kind man, he told me he just wasnt feeling a connection. That’s fine, I appreciated his honesty but the first thing I heard in my mind when he said that to me was my ex “no one will ever want you, you’re lucky I love you!”. I went home and I cried not from the rejection from such a kind person but from those words that still cut so deep today! I’m angry that they still sting, that he’s still in my head. I know someday they wont keep echoing, and I know someday I will find someone who loves me for who I am, but for now I’m frustrated.
-Katie
Hello, Katie.
I’m so sorry that your former husband’s words continue to burden you and cause you to doubt your worth. But realize that those words are sadly universal in the world of abuse and abusers. It seems that just about every abuse victim I have ever worked with has been subject to the same kinds of shaming put-downs and lies. And on other hand, I think the new guy did you a favor. I know it doesn’t feel like that, because we all want to feel wanted and special. But the last thing you want to do at this point in your life is to settle. I remember entering the dating scene and feeling a little intimidated and just a teeny bit desperate. It had been so long since a man had seen me as someone desirable, that a part of me was dying to have a man see me as special just so I would know that my former husband’s lies were just that. Looking back, I wish I had been stronger and more confident of my value – as I am sure you do too. Do not let that man define you or claim a place in your life he no longer possesses. Hold your head high and remember who you are and all you have to offer. Leave room for the right guy to surprise you when you least expect it. And while you are waiting for him to arrive, enjoy the time you have right where you are, grow strong and learn to love yourself again. Invest in yourself and find friends with similar interests. That other guy just wasn’t the right one, and that’s okay. You don’t want to have to grovel for anyone’s love and attention ever again. Also, I have another article that might resonate with you called, “Ten Things Your Abuser Doesn’t Want You to Know.”
Hang in there, Katie. Know that there is nothing wrong with you, and feel free to write anytime.
Cindy
Those people feel like a lossers themselves. Its hard, but no person of any quality would say such a mean words to their partner, even if they occasionally thing that.
Those people you do not need in your life.
Its not about you, its about them.
Everyone has mistakes and if someone wants to see the bad version of you, he will go the miles.
Those people are just lame and need to learn what are relationship really about.
Hello, Suncica. Thank you for sharing.
Perhaps abusers have been wounded, but each one of us has the opportunity to choose whether we will inflict similar wounds on others or choose a different course – to learn from our pain and decide not to wound others. I know we all want to believe that abusers simply don’t understand that they have options, but in my experience, it seems that most abusers are more interested in power and control than genuine relationship. The truth is that they choose every day, and they really don’t care if others are hurt as long as they get their way.
Thank you for taking the time to write and share… Let me know if I can direct you to other articles that might be helpful.
Blessings,
Cindy
It took me a while to realize that my new husband is abusive. I sort of feel like it was all my fault though because prior to him I was previously in an abusive relationship. The relationships hold some major similarities.
In my first relationship, I was only 19 when he and I got married. He was my first and only. He and I had a daughter together. However, during the duration of our relationship his mantra was always ‘no one else will want you’. That man must have said that to me a thousand times because by the time he finally left me after 10 years I believed it. He ended up leaving me after having numerous affairs with multiple women.
You can imagine my surprise when someone really actually did want me. Though this man seemed completely benign. He was thoughtful, and playful, hardworking, and inspiring. This man came into my life and at first it seemed like he was helping. I needed help with moving, learning to drive (my first husband wouldn’t allow to drive until after I requested a dissolution), and I wanted to settle some roots. All of these things happens sporadically within just a few years. I thought nothing of it when he insisted that I stay at home with the kids just until I finished my schooling online and our infant childcare situation was handled.
I immediately hated the arrangement. I had to ask for money. I had the feeling that the money was not truly mine (and this later became an issue. ) And then the abuse started. I was useless. I was gross,lazy,ugly, and most importantly I was NOT a real Latina. So to lay it out for some that might be feeling a bit confused. This is important because I am a dark skinned black Latina. And he knew how difficult of a struggle it is for me to deal with the obstacles that come with that. But for every single slight his response was that my breath stank and that I was not real Latina.
For the time that our arrangement has been in place I have been making 100% effort to keep him happy. I meticulously keep a healthy regime for everything from the house, kids, and most importantly myself. But it is never enough. I especially take the time to take care of myself since I am at the end of a pregnancy. But even the pregnancy had to be high jacked.
During my pregnancy not only was I not enough but I was gross, ugly, dirty, and fat. Yep, I wasn’t really pregnant I was just fat. Imagine hearing that after having two miscarriages and finally a healthy viable pregnancy. I was not allowed to rejoice, laugh, smile, and just enjoy every stage. Nope, I was stanky, dirty, ugly, and fat. When I questioned him about it he says nothing but he instead chooses to talk to me through third parties in which they claim the issue is that they feel like I need to just ‘admit that I’m black’ .
The topic is a hard one as I have never once claimed that I was not black. In fact, it is one of the first things that one sees when they look at me. But the fact of the matter is that I am ALSO a Latina. Im just sick and tired of not being enough.
Oh, Wanda, I am so grieved to read about all that you have been through. It is truly heartbreaking. But I truly believe there is always hope.
Perhaps you think you are obligated to live this way. You’re not. You and your children deserve to be loved, and I am confident you want to break this cycle for your own sake as well as your children’s. I would encourage you to contact your local county courthouse and speak with someone about divorce for someone in your situation. They may have options or suggestions for legal counsel. Since you have been a stay-at-home mother, in such cases, most courts would require him to support you and your children.
Dear one, please start doing your research, look for options, ask for help. You do not have to live this way.
Also, feel free to email me at cindyburrell@hurtbylove.com if I can provide additional help.
Please do whatever you must to take care of yourself and your children. I wish I had separated long before I did…
I’ll be praying for you, Wanda.
Cindy
You are special. You have value. You are loved.
I needed this today. More than anyone will ever know. Thank you.
Oh, Anonymous. On the one hand, I was so sad to read what you shared, but I am also glad you could receive the truth about your value. Feel free to write anytime…
Cindy