“No one else will ever want you.”
It is as though he has taken a branding iron and seared the words into your soul. Rather than reject them and recognize that the one who speaks is both cruel and a liar, you find yourself teetering on the edge of self-doubt, pondering the words, allowing them to resonate and take root – undisputed.
“Why would he say something so hurtful? He must see something that I don’t see in myself. What if I am truly unlovable, a loser, a failure?”
It is a heartless deception. Should you allow those thoughts to simmer, apart from a proper understanding of the abuser’s agenda, you may begin to accept and even believe the lie, if for no other reason than the one spewing the slander also has the audacity to tell you that he loves you. It is somehow easier to accept that he is sincere than to believe that he is deliberately trying to hurt you – and therefore doesn’t really love you at all. That option is just too painful to entertain, and that little crack in your broken heart allows his hurtful words to seep in.
What you need to know is that, if he can get you to believe his lies, they keep you bound to him. You will actually begin to see him as someone who is patient and even benevolent. He is willing to tolerate your presence, to put up with you in spite of your many, glaring inadequacies. He graciously gives you an opportunity to improve yourself when he is fully aware that you are a pathetic, throw-away creature wholly unworthy of him.
What a guy.
The moment you give his assessment of you the smallest measure of credibility, you begin to give him the power to define who you are. In a gallant effort to demonstrate loyalty and submission and perhaps earn his love, your actions may in fact reflect an assumption that his truth is the truth. The moment you set out on a mission to convince him that he is wrong about you, you actually give credence to all the terrible things he says. You put stock in the false identity that he has chosen for you.
Recognize that his words are deliberately designed to cut and crush and cripple. There is not a trace of love – or truth – woven among them.
“You don’t know what you are talking about. ”
“How can you be so stupid?”
“I don’t need you; you need me.”
“There is something seriously wrong with you.”
“You can’t do anything right.”
“You are worthless.”
“I don’t know why I even put up with you.”
His words tell you that you have nothing to offer, no rights, and no value. He has you imagining that there must be some unknown quality you lack that leaves you somehow unworthy of him. Yes, those things he says are intended to drive you to contemplate how truly ashamed you will be should this relationship thing fail. He is doing his part to blind you to the truth, for you are undeniably special and desirable, and you also possess everything you need to survive and thrive without him. It is important to him that you never come to understand that truth. He must keep you down, preoccupied with his never-ending madness, and groveling for his approval.
It may be a many-years-long struggle to get past whether his words feel true to a place where you can assess whether they are true, and I am certain they are not. Then, as hard as it is, you will have to acknowledge that the things he says are not grounded in any misunderstanding; those terrible things he says to you are intentional slanders and lies. Not only does he not care if you hurt, he wants you to hurt, because your pain gives him a strong, demeaning grip on your life.
In order for you to beat back the lies, you will have to fight to remember who you really are and all the things you have to offer. Grieve the knowledge that those words should have never been spoken, they were never deserved. The words were treacherous – consistent with the nature of the one who spoke them.
Let’s look at this a different way. What are some of the things you might expect a loving husband to say to you? How about something like…
“You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“I adore you.”
“I am a very lucky man.”
When I was separated from my abuser, he would occasionally call me late at night, when he knew I would be in bed. When I would roll over to answer the phone, he would always start off with a warm “hello” and begin his late-night conversation with something benign only to quickly escalate into a tirade of injustices and offenses he claimed I had committed against him. In my sleepy stupor, I would try to defend myself, reason with him, believing I could convince him of the sincerity of my intentions. He would usually conclude his assault with an impassioned flourish of un-tempered anger and hang up on me. And, I would pull my pillow close to my chest and cry myself to sleep, wondering where I had gone wrong, why he was so intent on hurting me and considering whether there was an ounce of truth in the midst of all the malicious things he said.
Of course, all those things he said were just lies. He knew I was not sleeping around. I was not selfish or unfeeling or stupid or arrogant or lazy or dishonest or suspicious or unforgiving or any of the other words he used to describe me. No, the sickening truth of it is that the man had almost certainly been strategizing for days, assessing my vulnerabilities, planning his attack, bent on emotional annihilation. His schemes included a mountain of different ways to keep me doubting my worth and my sanity in the hope that I would break under the weight of it all.
When I finally saw the truth about the nature of the man who was my husband, it was devastating. Yet that realization allowed me to shift my focus and receive the tender affirmation from my Father-God who came alongside to strengthen me, reminding me of my true identity and my worth.
In the years following the divorce, there were moments when I could still hear the echo of my former husband’s shameful prophecy: “No one else will ever want you.” But the day came when God brought love my way, and I am free to love and be loved.
You cannot afford to allow yourself to be swept into the deep darkness of your abuser’s lies. Do not let him keep you from seeing all that you have to offer and becoming all that you wish to be. Look back, look within and remember who you are. Then look forward and choose to live a life consistent with your true identity. Hear the words of affirmation from the One who knows you and proclaims, “You are special. You have value. You are loved.”
Know that your abuser’s denigrations can only hold you captive for as long as you choose to believe them, and the man who spews them is a liar whose words rise straight from the pit of hell. There is no good reason to remain in the same household with a man who treats you so.
Cindy Burrell
Copyright 2014
All Rights Reserved
My husband says he doesn’t want me and nobody else would ever want me either, and I married again, oh wait, you’ll live alone the rest of your life, because nobody would be able to stand being with someone like you. My husband never has conversations with me, if I try talking to him happily he tells me to be quiet and gets mad if I don’t be quiet and says I’m ruining his day. I said I make cakes for you all of the time, I spend all of my time in the kitchen and doing laundry, my Mom recently passed away, whom was my best friend and now I feel so lonely in this world. I don’t go anywhere, I just cook and clean for my husband that doesn’t support me emotionally, financially etc. He said that I boss him around and make him help me, I said, then why do I do everything for you, you can’t help me ever? He said, that’s your duty, I said, what’s your duty then to me? He said there’s no duty for a man to do anything for his wife. I’m just a slave. Why? Maybe because he’s Indian. I met him on Facebook and went over to India to marry him, and I brought him back here so I could be with my Mom and Dad. Now my Mom is gone, and my Dad is busy working all of the time and wants me to move out, and I have no friends or emotional support. I suffer every day to live.
Hello, Kaitlin.
I’m so grieved to read what you shared here. Dear one, if nothing else you seem to know that what you are living in is wrong. I pray you will reach out to friends, family members, fellow believers to seek help. I encourage you to see if you can get a complimentary meeting with a family law attorney. Many offer that service and can tell you what you might expect should you decide to file That may seem drastic, but your husband does not seem interested in loving you and caring for you as you deserve to be loved. A family law attorney or perhaps your local family court mediator (if they have one) may be able to tell you what kind of financial support you may expect to receive from your husband should you file for a legal separation or divorce. Please feel free to email me privately, too. I think there is a link on the website. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take one day at a time and start looking for options and keep in touch.
– Cindy
My husband recently told me this. We have been together for 31 years.
Dear one, I trust you read the article in its entirety, and I pray you commit yourself to rejecting those terrible lies, identify the person telling them, and begin to reclaim your value and your God-given, love-worthy identity. Feel free to email me if you’d like to “converse” further, or if I can recommend other articles that might be helpful.
I also provide personal coaching if you’re ever interested.
Know that you deserve to be loved.
Blessings,
Cindy
Tell him best of luck finding someone better than me!
In my case it was true. Nobody else HAD ever wanted me. Given up at birth. Adoptive parents who thought they were getting a pretty girl who would be prom queen and raise them to the country club social set, only to have the social workers bungle their order. Bullied at school by the other kids. “I should have known that many people couldn’t possibly be wrong,” he sneered. “I picked you out of the dump and should drop you back in it. You’re ruining my life now too!”
Didn’t get the job he applied for – my fault. Wrecked the car – he wouldn’t have been out if I hadn’t needed that trip to the store, and now I have to pay your hospital bill because you’re too stupid to die! Dishwasher broken down – tell me what you did to it, you stupid cow. Sick at your stomach AGAIN – you wasted my money on that dinner. No, you are not leaving me until you pay me back for what it’s cost to me to support you the last four years – every penny!
He called my friends and poured out his caring. “I think she’s depressed and I’m so afraid of what she might do….has she said anything to you?” My best friend of more than 30 years told me I “didn’t understand” when I begged her not to share my confidences with him. “He loves you and he’s worried about you.” He did the same with the neighbors and asked them to please call him if they saw anything strange. I secretly took a day off work and started packing. The neighbor saw the rental truck, called him at work and he rushed back home. He loved reminding me that everybody knew how crazy I am and wouldn’t believe a word I say. He can get me committed anytime he feels like it, so you better watch yourself.
It took another four years to get away. I escaped then only because he had to travel for his job and couldn’t hrt back in time to stop me. The neighbors watching our house rushed over again to protect me as he had asked, and when I called the police they begged them to put me in a mental health hold until my husband returned. He called them from his hotel and told them I called him and told him I was hoing to kill myself – “please, put her in the hospital until I can get home. I can’t live without her!”
Thank God the police were suspicious that a woman who holds down an executive position, rented a new apartment and was packing to move was too mentally unstable to leave her husband.
He destroyed the life I had worked so hard to build for myself as an adult. My other relationships were ruined because he’d turned them all into his flying monkeys. Everyone believes me NOW, ten years later, after he did time for stalking another woman – but I can’t get past the broken trust. I don’t know if I can ever trust or love again.
He won after all.
Hello, Beaten Down. Oh, dear one, I am so grieved to read what you shared here. You have endured far more than your share of wounds and betrayals. I’m so sorry.
You are absolutely right in that your former husband treated you horribly. He was an effectual liar and unbelievably verbally and emotionally abusive. He looked for ways to manipulate your acquaintances as well as the system to keep you bound, and people who should have been safe confidants for you tragically failed you – succumbing to the lies and clearly unable to see the game.
Then another ten years after escaping… that is a painfully long time to wait to receive the validation of those who should have known you well enough to trust your account and answer your cries for help. They just couldn’t see it.
But it doesn’t make it any less appalling – and hurtful.
While I’m glad you finally succeeded in escaping and creating a new life for yourself, your doubts and fears and perfectly justified and understandable under these tragic circumstances.
You have a great deal of grieving and healing to do, and there is no hurrying that process. I just pray that you know that you are worthy of love and that, should the time come when you are tempted to trust, you can take your sweet time and give yourself a lot of grace and space to discover what a genuinely healthy relationship looks and feels like.
You may think he won, but I think you did. You said “Enough,” you meant it and broke free. Some never do.
This is your life now. And I hope you find the peace, joy and happiness I believe God wants you to know and enjoy.
Sincerely,
Cindy
Thanks for this article. It is therapeutic to see that you are not alone in the madness. My late wife told me that no woman would ever want me and many other destructive things. 30+ years of crazy. I knew that she was manipulating, but it didn’t negate the hurt. Now, I’ve moved on and have found a beautiful woman (inside and out) that truly loves me.
Hello, TJ. I’m so sorry to read about what you went through with your former wife, but I’m also glad to read that you got out of that toxic relationship and found a woman who loves and appreciates you.
Thank you for taking the time to share. Your testimony will no doubt encourage others.
Sincerely,
Cindy