Predator or Prey?

“…be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.”

Ephesians 6:10

 

When living in an abusive household, there is no truly safe place, no easy answers, and no best response to a given situation, because the world revolves around the abuser’s* wants and needs, which are ever-changing.  This kind of unstable environment has profound impacts on wives – the abuser’s primary victims – and children.

Although some say, “Children are resilient,” I find that statement absurd, a notion that somehow children can slough off the tension and sorrow they experience that we as adults cannot.  It is something said to take the pressure off of ourselves.  But if anything, I believe the opposite is true, that children are ill-equipped emotionally to cope with such stresses, nor should they be compelled to, so they must do what they can to protect themselves emotionally, even as they might be tempted to presume that what they are experiencing is somehow normal.

Children living in abusive households grow up in the presence of two equally dysfunctional extremes with the aggressor-dictator (usually their father) creating an atmosphere of unpredictability and fear-based domination within the household while the primary victim (typically the mother) may waver and try to maintain a safe balance between protective confrontation and fearful submission.  She may attempt to diffuse tensions and preserve some measure of normalcy, but even her best efforts will be insufficient to ward off the abuser’s passive or open hostility.  She will learn the hard way that avoidance is preferable because she simply cannot win any battle and, in fact, her efforts to stand up to the tyrant may only make matters worse.

So it is that her children must choose whether to fight or flee, trying to survive in a household where they are often compelled to make a terrible choice:  join the ranks of the predator or become their father’s prey, a role they have seen their mother play.  These roles become evident in a variety of ways.

Young and unable to speak up or defend themselves, many, if not most, children will adopt their mother’s role, seeking a safe place to avoid witnessing the abuser’s rage or risking frightening confrontations with the tyrant.  The children can sense that their mother’s balancing act is necessary for survival, but life as a victim is altogether unpredictable and risky.

At the other end of the spectrum is the one who rules by brute force, an extremely unapproachable, fearsome figure.  Children must essentially choose whether to fight the family culture, become invisible to avoid becoming a target, or align themselves with their abuser.  On the fighting end, some children will rebel as they try to find their voice and call attention to the dysfunctional family culture, picking fights and pushing back with the hope of winning somewhere along the line, looking for any way to be heard, seen and validated. Even with the noblest of intentions, a child cannot win against a parent-abuser.

Other children may prefer to avoid the conflict and the hostility. Some of the quietly wounded will learn to detach, trying not to care whether their parents criticize or harass them or even try to help them.  They may lock themselves in their bedrooms, drop out of school and refuse to converse, shutting themselves away from the family, living on the edge of hope, daring others to see their pain but often bound to denial when confronted, trying to be courageous in their own solitary way.  Disillusionment simmers and feeds on itself.  Theirs is a scary, lonely existence as they pray that they might escape the terror, that they might one day be rescued.

Another way for hurting children to avoid the conflict is to preoccupy themselves with distractions or the pursuit of perfection. They may seek to excel in academics or athletics.  Keeping their head down and avoiding giving their abuser any cause to criticize, they nevertheless hope they can earn their peace while living under the pressure of constant scrutiny.  No matter how hard they try, there is always something they do not do well enough.  They may look for ways to mentally escape, whether through books, music, movies, online relationships or video games.  Escape may take the form of entering the world of drugs, alcohol or sex.  They may resort to self-punishment, such as cutting, anorexia, bulimia or find comfort in over-eating.  They may find friends with whom they can hang out just to get out of the house and may not care what crowd they find themselves in, doing whatever is necessary to escape the tension.

Then there are those children who decide to seek ways to align themselves with their tormentor, to find some common ground with him.  These children do so believing they may be in a better position to survive if the aggressor is their ally rather than their enemy.  To make the transition to that role (which may be cultivated early but often takes place during the teenage years), these children, who are likely already angry, will begin to accept and then adopt the abuser’s power posturing and lingo.  They may begin to exhibit the same kinds of harsh, belittling and resentful attitudes toward their mother, their siblings and others and mimic behaviors they have so often seen in their dominating father.

It is a hostile – and perhaps false – identity, but living at the top of the food chain seems preferable to anything below it.  Although the abuser will maintain his role as the top dog, now there is plurality, a gang-like structure within the family that bolster’s the abuser’s power base.  He will smile proudly to himself as he observes his children emulating him, following his lead as they become bullies or batterers. His little pupils are still fearful of him, but they learn to count on that sense of camaraderie or bravado to hide it.

Each one of these identities is chosen in an effort to secure some measure of self-protection  and is laden with fear, loneliness, confusion and grief.

But now let us look at another alternative, another vital role in this terribly unbalanced game: that of protector.

This persona emerges when the victim is finally broad-sided with the magnitude of the collective harm that is being done in her home and to her children.  It is one thing to accept the verbal and emotional assaults as long as they end at her doorstep, but as she begins to see the depth of the pain and dread in the eyes of her children, there comes a point when it becomes too much to bear.

She comes face-to-face with the realization that the abuse has neither been limited nor contained, the wounds are many and deep, there is no relief in sight, and knows she can no longer maintain her passive demeanor.  And something shifts.

She finds her voice and a purpose.  She refuses to accept the lies, manipulation and crazy-making any longer.  There is no doubt that she is in a dangerous, uphill battle for herself and her children, and she may quickly learn that her abuser has no intention of backing down or hearing anything she has to say.

But there is no more room for rationalizing, and if there is to be a rescuer, it will have to be her.  The only way to secure her safety and theirs is to separate herself and her children from their abuser. And even separation presents a whole new realm of obstacles and risks.  In fact, the odds are against her.  For the prey-minded children, they will be eager to escape, but for the predator-inclined, they may feel obligated to remain with their strong-minded mentor and may even defend him, at least initially.

But because the abuser knows no loyalty, and his primary target is no longer readily available, it will likely be just a matter of time before the abuser’s young apprentices find themselves targets of their father’s treachery.  Coming face to face with the terrible truth and longing for a safe haven, one can only hope that those children will ally themselves with the one who has chosen a new identity, that she will help them to see that there is another way – and another role to play.  The protector has finally shown up, and she has a new, positive, life-affirming role to assume.

Of course, going from timidity to tenacity is not necessarily an easy transition for the protector.  Things may well get worse before they get better. The abuser knows all of her vulnerabilities and fears, and he will do everything within his power to exploit them.  But once the protector realizes that she has power and a God-given right and responsibility to defend herself and her children, the she-bear will become a force to be reckoned with.  She had the power all along, but did not feel she had permission to use it, to be that protector, to identify the predator and say, ‘no more.’

Sometimes we forget that we have multiple options, and we may not be able to see the truth that lies between the extremes.  Just because we are not predators does not mean we must accept an identity as prey.  We can choose to adopt a new, courageous identity and set a life-giving example for our children.

Stepping into that role will require us to reach deep, to draw upon every last ounce of determination and conviction that remains in us to rise up and defend ourselves and our children, and then to demonstrate what it looks like to stand up for what is right and true, to reject the presence of evil even in weakness, even in the face of fear** and public opinion.

We have an opportunity to show our children what love and loyalty are supposed to look like and to inspire them to choose a positive, healthy way of relating – accepting an identity as neither predator nor prey, but rather as a warrior, a guardian, a sentry – a protector.

“When the whirlwind passes, the wicked is no more, but the righteous has an everlasting foundation.” Proverbs 10:25

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Cindy Burrell,  Copyright 2018, All Rights Reserved

*Abusers may be of either gender, however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.

**Safety comes first always.  Do not put yourself or your children at risk.  Some conversations must be made from a distance, some necessitate a witness and a protector, and some should not be attempted at all.  Call police when necessary.  Always be wise and safe.