“Transgression speaks to the ungodly within his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes. For it flatters him in his own eyes concerning the discovery of his iniquity and the hatred of it. The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; He has ceased to be wise and to do good. He plans wickedness upon his bed; He sets himself on a path that is not good; He does not despise evil.” Psalm 36:1-4
During a conversation with a young woman outside a local church, she began to timidly open up about how terrified she was to go home. Try as she might, she simply could not hold herself together. She began to tremble, the tears began to flow, and her voice broke as she shared that she was praying for clarity with regard to her relationship with her admittedly abusive husband. I listened intently and then said as gently as I could, “I think those tears are providing you with all the clarity you need.” And as the truth slowly began to sink in, she wiped her eyes and nodded in solemn agreement.
I have no idea how long she had been carrying that heavy burden, but I found it tragically ironic when I discovered that she was employed at that church. I had to wonder how many people in her circle had been aware of her torment and whether those same people told her all the things she “just” needed to do to minister to her wayward husband and save their marriage.
It seems that most of us have all been fed a sampling of these trite little clichés, a list of vaguely passive assignments that will most assuredly bring about the restoration of our marriages if we will “just” do them. “Just keep praying for your husband,” your pastor might offer. Or a close friend might encourage you to “Just be more kind and submissive.” And on it goes.
It’s simple. “Just” do this or that. We are led to believe that the paralyzing fear that permeates our homes is ever so trivial. Likewise, the solution is so elementary, so obvious. The people who say these things insinuate that we have never considered or employed any of these strategies. Their words are condescending, leaving us perplexed as to why the missing piece to this dreadful marital puzzle continues to elude us.
As abuse victims, it seems we have all been there. Confronted with abuse in marriage, too many pastors, lay counselors and believing friends will visibly squirm and struggle to make eye contact with those of us who dare to share our fearful secrets. These people from whom we seek solace and counsel all too often find themselves seeking a route of escape when the traumatic scenario is presented. In some twisted fashion, these people almost seem to hope that he is slapping us around. Protection from physical harm can be rationalized, but any other form of abuse – well, it seems that the majority of Christians will almost always have a hard time admitting that those forms of abuse actually constitute abuse.
“Has he ever hit you?” some will foolishly inquire. Should you reply in the negative, they will immediately reverse gears, responding out of some moral obligation to diminish or deny the significance of the non-physical offenses committed against you, failing to acknowledge that a verbal assault is just as debilitating as any slap. Instead the ignorant will wave you off with some shallow Christian platitude, insinuating that you must be overreacting or that your expectations of your spouse or of marriage are unrealistic. Your concerns and fears have been deemed unworthy of further discussion.
The ill-informed pour fresh measures of hurt and distrust into the lives of the wounded who have continued to give and forgive, victims who have prayed and waited and searched for a tender spot in their abusers’ hardened hearts. Even while the abuse victim’s voice breaks and the tears fall, these foolish people will say things like, “Just…”
- Commit your marriage to God.
- Be more gentle and submissive.
- Try harder.
- Pray more.
- Look for ways to minister to him and meet his needs.
- Forgive him – seventy times seven.
- Be more sympathetic.
- Be more sensual.
- Be more appreciative.
- Focus on your spouse’s positive attributes.
- Remember why you fell in love with him.
- Ask the Lord to give you strength.
- Learn from this experience.
- Trust that this season will pass.
- Realize that he must be hurting.
- Remember that you’re a sinner just like him.
- Remember that things could always be worse.
Failing to acknowledge that the wicked live among us, what these people are really saying is, “Just…”
- Forget the vows you made to one another.
- Forfeit your God-given value and identity.
- Revolve your life around his moods.
- Sacrifice all of your own needs and desires to his.
- Keep his secrets.
- Expect to live in constant fear.
- Grow accustomed to loneliness, depression and anxiety.
- Watch your physical and mental health deteriorate.
- Don’t tell anyone how quickly he can turn on you, how cruel he can be, how harshly he treats your children, how your stomach churns when you are around him, how emotionally and physically exhausted you are, or how long you have lived this way.
- Try to hold yourself together and don’t let anyone know how desperate you are for help or how close you may be to your breaking point.
- Allow him to continue to abuse you.
- Pretend that your life is normal.
Now it’s my turn. I want you to “just” know that…
- God does not condone abuse.
- You are not crazy, and it is not your fault.
- Other people may not acknowledge the abuse, but that doesn’t mean you are not being abused.
- Every form of abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, emotional, or spiritual is harmful and unacceptable.
- Your instincts are telling you what you need to know, and you need to re-learn to trust them.
- Many people will disagree with you or even condemn you should you leave or divorce your abuser.
- It is not your job to help, fix or change him. He is a grown man, and if he decides he wants to change, he can do it without your involvement.
- You should be able to expect to feel safe, respected, appreciated and loved in your own home.
Whenever someone tells you what you “just” need to do to repair your broken marriage, do not even try to explain yourself, as you may find yourself more confused and frustrated than when you began.
Learn to disregard those who avoid you or smile at you condescendingly, those who offer to pray for the restoration of your marriage, tell you that everything will work out “in God’s perfect timing” and happily walk away. Those people have apparently never lived with an abuser and feel uncomfortable exposing such a one. Their insensitive catch phrases ignore the trauma of abuse and will do nothing but make you feel guilty for hurting and responsible for your abuser’s behavior.
“Just” refuse to accommodate their half-baked understanding of abuse or bow to the pressure to hold this mockery of a marriage together for the sake of public perception. Instead, see the abuse for what it is and then do whatever you must to remove yourself from the situation to keep yourself and your children safe.
Abuse will never be addressed by trying to convince others that you are living in it. Only acknowledging the abuse and removing yourself from it will address it.
“And to man He said, ‘Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding.’” Job 28:28
Copyright 2015, All Rights Reserved
Thanks for speaking the truth so simply and eloquently. It is amazing how many of us need to hear these unadulterated concepts.
Amen!! And Amen!!
“Their insensitive catch phrases ignore the trauma of abuse and will do nothing but make you feel guilty for hurting and responsible for your abuser’s behavior.” How very true!
I waited and waited for someone to tell me, “just leave.” Of course my family wanted me to, but was afraid to say that to me because as my Mom has recently told me, she knew I had to make that decision on my own.
And no one in the church I attended at the time with my abusive ex would dare say that to me. Instead I was to “just” do all those things you listed above. Just submit more, pray harder, change my own bad behaviors (gotta love that one) and continue to forgive him. I often wondered why I wasn’t a better person. I mean, obviously I had a lot of work still to do in myself if I had to “just” do all those things, especially change myself, so my ex would be a different person. It was exhausting.
I spent so much wasted time waiting for the Christian community to stand beside me and tell me that my marriage was unhealthy and destructive, and that it did not resemble at all what God intended marriage to be.
I am more bold these days to simply tell those within an abusive marriage to leave. It doesn’t necessarily mean a divorce, but removing oneself from a toxic environment allows the victim to find clarity and draw closer to God, Who can then step in to do whatever work is needed whether it is to restore that marriage or simply bring life back to the victim’s wounded heart.
BTW, reading your post caused me to remember some things from the time my ex walked out in ’09…things I had forgotten. How one man from my former church who was all about ensuring my ex was allowed back into “his” house asked me rather curtly one day, “well, has he ever hit you?” And I knew if I said no he would dismiss anything else I had to say, which he did.
And another time when an older woman from that church walked up to me one Sunday after service and whispered to me, “if you ever want to know how bad things were in my marriage years ago just ask me” and walked away as quickly as she had approached me. This couple was still married and in their 70’s. Her comment left me feeling like no one really believed how bad things were, and honestly, no one truly cared.
It’s funny how lately, over six years after my ex walked out and over 4 years since our divorce was final, I’m still working through things. If anything, in this past year I have taken a closer look at how things were and feel I have so much more clarity about it all. Funny how healing happens in stages a lot like grief I suppose.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I’m so grateful for you and others speaking up about abuse and offering support and encouragement to those in abusive relationships.
Blessings!
Hello, Amy.
You can come and ramble any time… I always appreciate your insights.
I truly believe that virtually all of us have testimonies similar to yours. It seems we have all heard callous, careless words from people who claimed to care. Why is it that non-physical forms of abuse can be so easily dismissed? Why are church folk so quick to defend the abuser and throw their victims under the bus? I wish someone could answer that question for me.
I agree that all of this processing comes in stages. This piece arose after yet another victim wrote to tell me that her pastor, who knew of the non-physical abuse, came up to her after church and patted her on the shoulder as though she had cancer and asked her how she was doing. He didn’t really want to get involved because her husband wasn’t hitting her. He just wanted to give her the impression that he cared without doing anything to actually help or encourage her. It made me sick Through such testimonies, consistent patterns of dysfunction emerge, patterns that must be identified so that others can be set free.
There’s my ramble…
All the best to you,
Cindy
Cindy,
A very powerful post. I believe many who read it will be encouraged, strengthened, and inspired.
Amy–loved your testimony. Also very powerful.
And I don’t for one minute think that that woman in her seventies is out from under her abuser unless he experienced a TRUE conversion and fell at her feet in grief and repentance. What tells me this is that she had to whisper this to you. If his conversion and repentance were real, HE would be the one giving HIS testimony–and she would not have to keep her comments secretive. Just my two cents.
If you ever talk to her again, tell her “P.” is praying for her.
Cindy, I can’t say thank you enough for your excellent postings. This one is right up there with the rest. Thank you for using the gift God has given you to write and reach out to others. Each time I have shared your postings I always receive positive feedback to the insight God has allowed you to share.
I also want to commend the support and prayers of your husband.
Cindy, thank you for this beautifully written article. I bawled through the whole thing because I felt so validated.
I deal with the comments you listed all of the time, directly and indirectly. I’ve heard many variations of them from church leaders, fellow friends within the church, and my deeply religious family. In order to emotionally survive these invalidating barbs, I have to completely shut down. There is this idea that we must stoically take all of the advice, that the quick solutions and, as you beautifully said, “half-baked understanding” are there to remind us that if we just try harder to accommodate, everything will work out.
Your article spoke to a very deep and painful place that has been vastly ignored and minimized by well-intending but ignorant people.
I am in a situation where, over the past year, my husband has actually made improvements in his behavior. I have reached that point where too much pain and damage had been inflicted over too many years from verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse for me to continue to fight for my marriage. I just cannot bring myself to love and trust this person again, despite the changes he’s made. I’ve read your articles on abusers and change, and while my husband has stopped the abuse, he hasn’t ever admitted to what he did, is still in denial of it, and feels like his few months of good behavior is evidence enough of his change.
Religious leaders and family see my husband’s changes loud and clear, and tell me how much he’s improved. They see the changes and make me feel like I should consider myself lucky because he’s done this all for me. So I feel absolutely horrible for still wanting to leave when he’s made the effort to improve, because I feel like I owe him more time and understanding. I feel completely unforgiving. I hear the same invalidating comments from them as you mentioned in your article. Because he’s “changed”, I have even more pressure to stay.
Sorry to share so much, but this article really hit a deep spot in me, and I felt like I needed to share.
Thank you for using your inspiration to help validate so many people who are suffering from the insidious effects of abuse.
Hello, Bellabee.
I’m glad that the article validated you and that you took the time to share your story, as painful as it is.
Dear friend, please know that you are not alone. As you can see from the other comments and from some of the other articles on the site, many of us have a pretty good idea what you are going through.
With that, I would encourage you only to seek God’s heart and yours as you move forward. The appearance of change and good behavior do not necessarily constitute heartfelt change. Many abusers are adept at “following the rules” even though their hearts are not in it. They do this for the sake of appearances and to create confusion in the minds of their victims. But God will give you the wisdom and the truth about your relationship you seek. If your relationship has been broken beyond repair, and if there is no genuine repentance there (which may be the case, since your husband has not sought forgiveness), then it may only be a matter of time until the incremental walk toward overt abuse returns. I would ask you what your instincts are telling you in this regard, for you will need to learn how to trust them again.
Furthermore, you are not accountable to pastors or your friends, but to yourself and to God. Most of us here know how very difficult it is to walk away when you are already hurting and fearing that people whom you respect – and even God – may abandon you. Still, I encourage you to act according to your knowledge of the truth and let God be with you in it.
I am so sorry you are hurting. You are welcome to respond here, and you may also e-mail me privately from the Contact Cindy page if you’d like.
I am glad that this piece spoke to you, that you are beginning to see the insanity of the abuse dynamic, not only at home but in the church.
My prayer is that you can begin to acknowledge what is true in your life. Do not fear, but bring all of it to God, and listen for that still, small voice.
I will be praying for you, as others here have agreed to, as well. I hope you will return and let us know how you are doing.
In Him,
Cindy
Bellabee,
I will pray for you. You are in a very hard place. But if you allow yourself to be comforted and guided by the Holy Spirit you will be able to do what you have to do.
My testimony is that I was married for over forty years. Mid-way, when I had grown spiritually enough to realize I could say “we get counseling or we split,” he went to counseling with me. There were good changes for a few years. Then he began an emotional affair with an old flame in another state that I “found out about” by accident after we had talked it all out and he said he was done…
I think that’s when his anger started back….subtly at first, but over time it finally boiled up to the final, hugely insulting rage out of the blue , one night, although he had been getting meaner and meaner (not physical this time, though) for a few weeks prior.
Fortunately, I had grown even further–and stronger–in my relationship with the Lord so that when I “heard” His “voice” during a bit of a pause in the rampage, tell me to “leave,” I was able to do so. That was 2 1/2 years ago.
The reason I tell you this is that your husband might not really be changed “from the inside”–the only place it really makes a difference and that can be trusted–by yielding to Jesus as Savior AND Lord of his life. A lot of people can do a pretty good job acting as if they’re all better. And to others “on the outside” who need to believe this for whatever reason, they think the problem is all solved.
But it’s not always.
Stay alert.
And I hope you have a safety plan if you need to leave suddenly like I did. A safe place to go, a suitcase or backpack with a few clothes, toiletry items, money or credit card, etc. stashed somewhere near the door. You can Google lists like this from sites that help victims of domestic abuse.
In the meantime, I am so sorry. Again, my prayers will be going up for you.
Thank you so much for responding to me. (Again, bawling!)
I feel so much guilt for not warming up to his good behavior. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I can’t fully trust what he is trying to become. He abused for over a decade before he started changing, and even then, there has been intermittent abuse happening less and less over the last year. He’s also verbally abused my son, which he’s working to overcome. I feel like God has helped me learn to forgive him, but the problem is, I can’t forget. I just cannot forget the trauma and pain he has inflicted.
We still feel unsafe around him, even though he’s been kind. We’re still tiptoeing on eggshells. That unsettled fear that he will blow up like a time bomb at any moment is still there. The frozen shutdown sensation I experienced with him at the worst of his abuse still happens when he’s simply sitting in the same room as I am, or when the garage door opens. I’ve been traumatized, unfortunately, and he continues to trigger me despite his behavior changes.
It’s hard to understand what God wants for me. Does He want me to look beyond the past and truly see this man’s heart? Does He want me to leave so that I can heal? I just don’t know sometimes.
But, you have inspired me to listen carefully to what my soul is telling me. Your prayers I believe will help me too, and I appreciate them, and your words of encouragement.
Thank you so much for helping me.
Hello, Bellabee.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are under no obligation to buy into what your husband is selling. That sense of obligation is in conflict with your instincts, which are telling you that he is still not safe, which you confirmed. That tip-toeing around, that undercurrent of fear, the ticking time-bomb… those are warnings that something is still not right. And “intermittent abuse” is still abuse. Where the risk of abuse is present, nothing has really changed, and you seem to know that his “good behavior” could evaporate at any time.
Dear friend, you have not healed from the trauma have endured, and you are still preoccupied with trying to hold together an unsteady peace, which makes it virtually impossible for you to heal. I recommend that you separate from him for your sake and your son’s. Time and distance are essential for you to begin healing and gaining the clarity you seek. As you begin to learn more about the abuse dynamic and come to a place where you can identify it when it happens, you will grow stronger and learn how to respond in a healthy way.
You asked if you think God wants you to look beyond the past… but the past is still the present if the danger is still there. Could your husband have a good heart that is also an abusive one? I have a hard time rectifying that.
The reading recommendations made here are worth considering. I would also encourage you to consider the second edition of “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” (second edition) – the book I authored to walk victims through the dynamic and provide the kind of information you need to reclaim your life. You can find reviews on the website and on Amazon. Furthermore, if you are struggling with issue of divorce, you might also want to consider “God Is My Witness: Making a Case for Biblical Divorce.” I know of no other book like it. An excerpt is available on the website. As e-books, both books are only $8.95.
I agree with the other contributor that you are suffering from PTSD and need a lot of time and distance to heal.
I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. As I mentioned, you are also welcome to e-mail me privately, if you wish.
In Him,
Cindy
Bellabee,
What you are describing (the triggering) sounds like classic post traumatic stress disorder. You NEED to research this and get a GOOD counselor and, if possible, find a support group of some kind.
I am not a counselor, but I can tell you it sounds like what I went through as well. Your son may very well need some help, too. You might have to go to secular counseling as I don’t know that Christian counselors will necessarily touch on this, particularly if they are blaming you for any of your husband’s bad behavior. Note that well: HIS BEHAVIOR CHOICES ARE NOT YOUR FAULT.
There is also a LOT on the Internet on this issue. I know I spent MANY hours reading on professional sites as well as getting counseling and spending time with an excellent support group. Also, I have not accessed Cindy’s services, here, but from everything she’s written and posted (and I read her posts immediately!) I believe she would be a great help. Have you watched her videos? I also write a blog and I have featured at least two of her posts.
I really can’t encourage you enough about this. PTSD can be very debilitating over time. But the GOOD NEWS is is that God has designed our bodies to heal, even heal from abusive situations. It might take time, however, and you might need to get some kind of respite. Or, God may very well direct you to leave, too, but you will know if and when.
Remember (and I needed to learn this): divorce is NOT the unforgiveable sin. Also, that Scripture in Malachai about God hating divorce? The REST of that sentence also details how God hates a man who covers his household with violence.
Here are some of the best books on what you have been experiencing, besides Cindy’s (I always include her books on my lists to people):
Trauma and Recovery, by Dr. Judith Herman,
Why Does He DO That? by Lundy Bancroft (the best!)
and all the books on verbal abuse by Patricia Evans.
You will find those books recommended everywhere on sites that help people recover from abusive relationships.
(And if I may, Cindy) Bellabee, I also HIGHLY recommend the recovery forum call PsychopathFree.com. This is one I have frequented for many months from time to time. After exploring a few such places for information and online support, I found this one to be the absolute best. There is a thread for spiritual recovery topics on there as well as on many other topics from advice for people in custody battles, in other legal situations, and there is a thread for male survivors, too. Additionally, there are many very good articles there on a host of survival topics and it has its own list of books written by the administrators of the site.
Once again, I CAN’T STRESS ENOUGH THAT YOU NEED HELP TO DEAL WITH WHAT I THINKS IS PTSD IF NOT CPSD (add “chronic” to the rest of the words). My own PTSD included nightly anxiety attacks where, as is your case, the ex did not even have to be doing anything or even be in the house. I also experienced digestive disturbances and just feeling bad all the time. I have compromised vocal cords (on the mend), too, that my specialist thinks is due to stress. And my blood pressure was up there, too (since then, it’s back down to normal).
The emotional stresses and issues have taken a lot longer to heal. But I can tell you I have regained a LOT of energy, creativity, and overall zest for life I hadn’t experienced in YEARS (those eggshells just kept getting underfoot!).
Regarding the “frozen” feeling you mention. Some people may have accused you of giving him “the silent treatment.” Have you heard that yet? If you have or haven’t, there is actually a survival technique related to withdrawing (out of self defense) and I also recommend you read up on that, too. It’s called the “Grey Rock” technique, aka, “Medium Chill.” Again, Cindy, if I may reference another site, I have written a few commentaries on this myself (because I was accused of that) that can be accessed here:
https://pnissila.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/is-it-the-silent-treatment-or-emotional-survival/
God bless you, Bellabee. To suffer like this is not God’s best for you.
P.
Bellabee, you are exactly where I was a year ago. I cannot recommend Cindy’s book “Why Is He So Mean To Me?” enough. I also recommend her phone consult. One hour with her is worth 20 years of ignorant counselors who don’t have any clue about abuse. I have separated for almost a year now. My husband has made some significant changes over the past few months, but not before he did almost every step on the “How to tell if your abuser is really changing list” (I think Cindy has this in her book and also Lundy Bancroft in his book “Why Does He Do That?”) I was able to clearly see his manipulative attempts to “get me back” and did not fall for them. I have done several things that have been instrumental over this past year:
1) I separated myself from the abuse, which HAD to come first to give me space and time to heal and learn)
2) I educated myself (of which Cindy was a HUGE help!) I just could not read enough. I was on a mission, so tired of being confused and tossed in the sea of “other people’s opinions” when they had no clue what to do about it
3) I posted on my walls and read many times a day, scripture that told me how GOD sees me and every time I had any doubts, I would ask myself “I love MY daughter, would I ever condone or expect or encourage her to accept these behaviors from HER husband?” so I could remember how GOD feels about me (abuse targets often believe they are not as worthy as others but that is a LIE)
4) I adopted the idea “I’m not going to do ANYTHING I don’t FEEL like doing (at this point I truly did not care if my husband left me. I wasn’t looking for him to leave or stick with the marriage. I wasn’t looking to him at all, for anything.
5) I adopted the idea that “He has abused me for 28 years. I owe it to MYSELF this time to heal”
6) I adopted the idea that “I owe you NOTHING. You have stolen or broken my love, my caring, my gentleness, my youth, my heart, my children’s hearts, my health, my individuality.. I owe you NOTHING because you already got it all. I am now getting it BACK and you WILL give me all the time I need because you have no choice. If you don’t like it, then leave.”
7) I stopped trying to “save my marriage” and totally concentrated on my own healing. I literally considered myself NOT MARRIED, as it had all been such a twisted version of God’s definition. I wore my ring and wasn’t “looking” for anyone, I just did not give him any of the privileges of marriage. He was not able to “give advice” “tell me what to do” “give his opinion” “ask any questions that did not directly relate to something he was responsible for, and of course, no “chatting, sharing, intimacy” none of that. If he didn’t like it, he could leave.
8) I stopped doing what everyone else said I should “just” do. (See list above)
9) I stopped attending church where everyone knew me and right now, I really just go to another for the worship and the message, not to be ministered to by people. I save my “I need to share my pain and experience and get advice” with Cindy and a couple of other websites that have been a lifeline.
10) I stopped telling my h what he could do to “get help.” I just tell him that he is responsible for his own healing as I am responsible for mine. I figured it out by searching and doing the necessary steps. He is a grown man. He can do the same.
11) I came to clearly understand the difference between forgiveness (which does take time, you have to go through the pain and anger and really FEEL it, after being told for years that somehow ANGER is wrong, most abuse targets stuff it, but it has to be felt to be gotten rid of and wow, it hurt a LOT. Sometimes I felt like my insides were literally being torn out in my grief and anger, but it was worth it. A peace will take its place eventually) and reconciliation. You are under NO obligation to reconcile to be considered a “forgiving person.” Anyone who tells you that is incorrect. They are 2 different things totally.
If your husband is serious, none of these actions on your part will deter him. He should be concentrating SOLELY on getting help for why he even has these awful behaviors. Don’t settle for anything less and don’t look or wait for anything more. You owe him NOTHING.
There IS hope, which I always took to mean, “my marriage would be renewed.” Now I know there is hope because WHATEVER happens, God loves me and wants the best for me and that best is NOT abuse, but love. My HOPE is that “all things work together for good” and only God, not ignorant people who know nothing of the pain and agony of abuse, can tell me what the “good” is for my future.
Stay in touch with Cindy! She CAN help you, I promise.
Very well put, Debbie! I’m so glad you have left the abuse and are working on healing yourself.
We cannot ever change another person and most abusers do NOT want to change. Therefore, we must concentrate on healing ourselves.
I too left the church my ex and I had attended when all I kept hearing from people including the pastor was what I needed to do to save the marriage. I went to another church just to get lost in worship and it was one of the first steps to healing for me.
Blessings dear sister! May you continue to heal and become whole again in the Lord.
Amy
Hello, Debby.
Thank you for your kind comments in support for this ministry, Debby, and for sharing so clearly what you have been through and learned through this difficult process.
I know it hasn’t been easy, and there may still be other hurdles before you, but you have clearly grown by leaps and bounds since you began this journey.
I appreciate your taking the time to share so much of your wisdom and experience here. It will be a blessing to many others.
All the best always,
Cindy
Debby,
How many times can I “like” your post? Not enough, I’ll say that! You articulate extremely well what many of us have also experienced–after decades of abuse. God bless you.