I was meeting up with my then-estranged husband at a local book store to transfer our son, Kyle, into his care so the two of them could spend the day together. Meandering through the aisles while awaiting his arrival, the man suddenly approached me with a basket of chocolate-covered strawberries in one hand and a big smile on his face.
Rather than feeling touched in any way, I felt kind of sick, but not knowing how to respond in the moment, I simply accepted the berries with gratitude. The man then tried to enter into small talk with me and ended by asking me if I would like to go out for lunch or coffee sometime. “No,” came the easy response, in spite of the gift I held in my hands and the fact that our son was observing the entire exchange. After a couple more awkward minutes, the man and our eldest son finally headed out the door.
That evening, my then-husband called again and tried to talk me into spending time with him. Not a chance. After calmly shutting him down from every angle, I closed with, “But thank you for the strawberries.”
“Whatever,” came his sarcastic reply, and immediately I thought to myself, “There it is.” I knew those blasted berries came with strings attached – some kind of obligation that I refused to accommodate. His plan had failed.
Since those days, I have heard and read similar stories and have known that this type of scenario represents a typical abuser strategy, but I didn’t know it had a name: Selfish giving.*
Selfish giving has the appearance of selflessness, generosity or genuine care, but when you’re in an abusive relationship, it is almost exclusively another form of self-serving manipulation. Selfish giving imposes an awkward pressure on the abuser’s victim to convey appreciation and – he hopes – an obligation to forgive any and all previous offenses and re-establish some degree of intimacy based on the perception of good will.
Selfish giving is simply another form of crazy-making designed to force you to let your guard down. Any failure to respond according to the abuser’s anticipated expectations gives him ammunition to paint you as selfish, unfeeling and ungrateful.
Unfortunately, gifts are the abuser’s cheap, easy substitute for legitimate repentance and change. But note…
- A truly changed man is willing to identify and apologize for specific things he has done to hurt you;
- A truly changed man recognizes that he alone is responsible for the changes he needs to make in his life;
- A truly changed man will respect your boundaries and your need for time and distance to heal; and
- A truly changed man is willing to acknowledge that his abusive history may have harmed the relationship beyond repair.
On the other hand, the unrepentant abuser believes a heart-warming gift will give the impression of genuine devotion and inspire renewed trust. The abuser’s motives do not reflect genuine goodness but rather pure, unadulterated selfishness.
So know that you don’t have to participate in his game.
I know it may feel strange to refuse his gifts, offers of help or other seemingly selfless gestures, but when you do, you are refusing to give him access to your life or your heart and depriving him of the power he seeks. You are setting an important boundary and letting him know that you will not risk jeopardizing your safety, peace and contentment for anyone – or anything.
“Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.” Proverbs 22:5
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For more on this subject, you might want to check out “Lessons In Crazy-Making.”
*The dynamic was referenced by a commenter on another blog.
Abusers may be of either gender; however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male. For the sake of simplicity, the abuser is referenced here in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved
Excellent, Cindy.
Selfish-giving is what I continue to maneuver through. It certainly fools others into thinking that the abuser(s) are ‘nice people’. 🙁
Hello, healinginhim. Yes, presentation and image are powerful weapons. But you have seen and experienced the other side of him, so you know the truth. Don’t let anyone to guilt you into accepting his nonsense as genuine.
Isn’t it interesting that abusers know how relationship is supposed to be – and appear to others? But the priority is to serve themselves.
Take care of yourself, dear one, no matter what anyone else thinks or expects of you. You deserve to be loved.
Cindy
Oh yes, my ex used to use gifts all the time to try and appease me while we were married and then when he walked out almost 11 years ago, he would do things like what you described and if I refused his gift he then got mad.
And often, they play this out in front of the children so when mom refuses a gift from dad she looks like the ‘bad guy’, and often their father will remind them of it later how their mom is mean and unkind for not accepting a gift offered to her.
Hello, Amy. It is disgusting the games abusers play. And, as you note, it is incredibly frustrating when people in our circle – whether family members, other believers and especially our children – see our abuser’s “efforts” without any additional information, leaving them inclined to believe that his actions and motives are genuine.
Confusion created by impressions and appearances are one of the abuser’s most powerful allies. And the abuser just smiles to himself while his victim is viewed as a hard-hearted wench.
These are the kinds of things we need to be help potential victims to see and fight against.
As always, thank you for sharing your own experience and input.
Cindy
Cindy,
Your articles have helped me walk through a very long and painful journey for the past almost 5 years! Today’s article hit home and I just wanted to thank you for it. Women need to know that it’s ok to set boundaries even if it looks bad to the rest of the family or to outsiders.
After I left, my ex would offer to help me with car problems or things around the ‘new’ house, and I would always refuse. There were times offers were made in front of the children as well. I knew it was giving him ammunition to make me look bad but because of sites like yours, I knew that it was ok and healthy for me to reject his offers every single time!
Thank you for all that you do to help women in or coming out of abusive situations!
Hello Grateful.
First, let me apologize for the delay in responding. It’s been a busy few weeks…
I appreciate that you took the time to write and share, but I am so very sorry to read what you wrote. I never cease to be stunned as I discover ever more tactics and strategies abusers use to try to make their victims look bad, to present themselves as innocents and try to use friends and family members to endorse their ways.
Feel free to write me if you are ever looking for information on another topic – or take a gander at the other articles I have available. I’m happy to help as I can.
All the best,
Cindy