“Time, whose tooth gnaws away at everything else, is powerless against truth.” – Thomas Huxley
The above quote has become one of my favorites because I am certain that, in the end, the truth will be revealed. I also know that some lies are served up so consistently and convincingly that it can be difficult to see what is true through the thick fog of deception, and there is no way of knowing how much time may pass before the truth is clearly visible. It was for seven long years that such a fog succeeded in alienating my son from me.
My story is not uncommon. I know many parents who have either lost – or fear losing – their children to a lie, and it is for this reason I have chosen to share this story.
After separating from my abusive husband, it was not long before he went on the offensive. He began to offer up a fictitious history about our marriage, to plant seeds of doubt about my character, my commitment and my faith in the minds of those willing to listen. He also used the time he spent with our four children to attempt to undermine my credibility in their young eyes. Though he urged secrecy from them, they would sometimes hesitantly pose questions to me regarding damning falsehoods their father had shared about me. The woman he described to our kids was someone I did not know, and there were occasions when I was put in the awkward position of having to correct our kids’ understanding. It was heartbreaking to know that our kids had been put into a position where they had to choose whom or what to believe. For the most part, I felt confident that the significant contrast between our former home life and the new life we had come to appreciate was evidence enough.
Our second-born eldest son, Kyle, had always been his father’s favorite. Kyle never sought the title of “the chosen one,” nor was his status a secret among the children. It was never discussed; it just was. So it was no surprise that, after the divorce was final, when Kyle was about 13, their father began to spend most of his free time with him. And even though the essential battles were over, another insidious battle continued to rage. Kyle’s father used their time together to confer upon our young son how many ways I had failed him and what a poor wife I had been, to win Kyle over and to pit him against me. Almost every time he spent a day or two with his father, Kyle often returned home hostile and battle-ready. At times I would try to assuage his obvious stress, but rather than talk, he preferred to argue. Knowing what was going on behind the scenes, I chose to acknowledge the hardships of the divorce and reminded him that he didn’t have to choose one parent over the other; he could have both.
My efforts to reach him didn’t make much of a difference, but at least he knew how I felt about the situation. I also recognized that his dad was probably more fun. Their time together was spent watching football and their favorite movies over pizza and soda. They might spend an afternoon shopping for CDs or listening to music or attending an occasional concert. When Kyle returned home, it was my job to make sure he did his homework and his chores and brushed his teeth before heading to bed. The contrast didn’t bother me; I knew the kids needed both of us, and I accepted my role as the un-fun one. And let’s face it; the harsh reality of Monday through Friday is generally going to be a tougher gig than the simple pleasures of eating junk food and sleeping in.
We still had our own family movie nights and birthday parties and took day trips and mini-vacations, but Kyle often chose to excuse himself from outings and events with any of us his father sarcastically referred to as “those people.” Over time, the hostility Kyle exhibited toward me increased. He was not only ready for a fight, but he seemed to relish any opportunity to argue, put me down, or throw his weight around. It was as though Kyle had assumed the role of his abusive father, and while I sought to maintain discipline and provide a healthy contrast, of utmost concern was that Kyle might become just like his dad.
At times Kyle’s anger would erupt and he would point a finger of condemnation at me for divorcing his dad. “You had no cause to divorce him. If it wasn’t for you we’d still be a family! Why did you do it?” he demanded to know. Everything in me wanted to spill the truth – the emotional beatings I had taken, his father’s heartbreaking lapses of integrity, and all I had endured in an effort to keep our family whole. But the sordid truth was more than any young man needed to know. I held my tongue and told Kyle he just needed to trust that I did what I believed was best for our family. But that was not good enough for Kyle, and his resentment toward me continued to simmer.
After I remarried, Kyle tried to maintain his position as the new man of the house, but it wasn’t long before my husband was compelled by Kyle’s abusive tendencies to put Kyle in his place. Kyle saved his outbursts for times when Doug wasn’t home, but now we all had backing when we needed it. One fall evening, Kyle decided he was being treated unfairly after he had a bad day, and I had the audacity to remind him to empty the dishwasher. A couple of hours later he was gone – to live with his dad. There was no yelling or slamming of doors. No note, no warning, no explanation.
Crushed by his decision, I pondered at that moment whether I had lost him forever. I could only pray it wasn’t so. I had to let Kyle go and pray that he would discover the truth on his own – that he would not choose to follow in his father’s footsteps.
I didn’t hear from Kyle for weeks. He invited me to coffee one evening, and we talked only of ordinary things, daily routines and school and work and his siblings. A part of me wanted to implore him to come home, but I held my head high and did not cry or plead or ask why. When we parted I hugged him and confirmed my love – just thankful that he hadn’t shut me out completely.
As the months passed we got together from time to time. During our conversations, Kyle never complained about his father, never shared anything significant about their life together, and I didn’t ask.
Then, at one of our meetings, Kyle told me he was ready to come home. But the reality was that the rest of us had come to enjoy our home without him living there. We now had a home where there was no drama, no hostility, no ongoing angry outbursts. The rest of us had come to relish the peace we now enjoyed. So I told Kyle that we weren’t ready for him to come home. He was clearly shocked at my response. I’m sure he assumed that I would eagerly welcome him home like nothing had happened and we’d pick up where we left off. But no.
When we parted that day, he was more somber than I had seen him in the past and probably a little hurt. But I needed to make sure he understood what coming home meant not just to him, but to the whole family; that as much as he clung to his perception of being right, he had still been wrong. I needed to know that he fully understood that his behaviors needed to change.
What I did not know was that the fog had been lifting in Kyle’s life, even if he wasn’t yet prepared to admit it. Late one night a few days later the phone rang. When I answered, Kyle was on the other end of the line crying and hysterical. He said that he had to leave his dad’s house, that his dad had been raging and cursing at him, calling him names and had kept him from leaving – and that it wasn’t the first time. He begged me to come and get him and said that if I didn’t he would run away.
I knew I couldn’t leave him in an abusive situation, so I asked him where his dad was, and Kyle told me that he was asleep. I conferred with Doug and we agreed that we would meet with the other kids in the morning, discuss the situation, and then I would call him and let him know what would be done. He begged and told me ‘no,’ that I had to go pick him up right then or he was going to run away. In spite of the stress of the situation, I calmly said, “Kyle, this is your moment. You need to decide right now whether you are going to trust me or not. All I need you to say right now is, ‘Okay, Mom.’” Many long seconds passed while I prayed with all my heart that he would make the right decision, until he finally said the words I needed to hear: “Okay, Mom.”
The following morning, we all quickly agreed that Kyle needed to come home, with the understanding that his behavior toward the entire family had to be grounded in respect. I made the call to Kyle, he agreed to our terms, and all five of us immediately piled into our van to go get Kyle and bring him and his things home.
After moving back home Kyle continued to try to have a relationship with his father, who still worked to fill Kyle’s head with half-truths and untruths. But little by little Kyle began to see the inconsistencies for himself. He witnessed the self-centered lifestyle his father had chosen, overheard him boasting of his salacious activities while he and I were married, and ultimately became the new target of his father’s abuse.
It wasn’t until Kyle was 20 when, on a hot summer afternoon, I returned from work to find him seated on the ground outside the front door of our home, his back against the wall, conversing with Doug. Kyle was obviously distraught, and my heart fought against fear of what might have happened to him. As I approached, my husband told me that Kyle needed to talk to me and went inside.
I took Doug’s place and timidly asked him what was going on. Kyle finally looked up at me and spoke. “I’m so sorry, Mom,” he said through his tears. “Why,” I asked. “What happened?”
“I was wrong, Mom,” he spilled out. “I know that it wasn’t your fault. For seven years I was mean to you and the rest of the family. And all this time I was wrong.” We both rose to our feet, and I tightly held the son I thought I had lost so many years before. I told him that I loved him and that everything was going to be okay. Kyle wrapped his arms around me and cried the tears of a painful truth finally realized, tears of a guilt borne of ignorance, tears of humility and sorrow for all that had been lost – honest tears that melted away the cruel wall of deception that had separated us… for
seven
long
years.
Cindy Burrell Copyright 2013 All Rights Reserved
Praise God, Cindy! What a wonderful, encouraging testimony!
It’s good to hear from you, Ida Mae. Thank you for visiting. I miss your writing. I hope you are still at it, even if it isn’t being published for the time-being…
I’m so glad you shared this story. I have struggled so much over the past four years since my ex left my boys and I, on how much I should speak up and when to keep silent and know that eventually the truth will prevail.
My boys are now 18 and 21, and it was my oldest that has been really mean and rude to me in the past year all because his father has continued to tell him lie after lie about me, and about what occurred in our marriage. A marriage of twenty years full of verbal, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse my ex aimed at not only me, but our two sons as well.
It completely threw me off guard last year when my oldest verbally attacked me the night before he had to move in with my new husband and I. Whenever I tried to speak up and defend myself he would yell at me to “shut up”, how he didn’t want to hear anymore of my lies and how he had spent so many hours with his dad telling him everything. I finally bit my tongue and knew that no matter what I would say he was not willing or ready to hear.
My husband and I allowed him to move in (my husband was not home when it happened), but I did tell him the next day that if he ever talked to or treated me that way again he would have to leave. And my husband told me that if my son ever talked to me like in front of him he would ask him to leave…which I agreed to because I trust my husband and for once in my life someone was actually willing to stand up for me.
Today, my son and I have a much better relationship, back to what we once had, or almost. I have continued to not speak badly of my ex to my boys and know that one day they will see the truth…and my youngest already does. Him and I have talked lately and he said to me, “I’m smart enough to know the truth.” Gotta love it!
Blessings!
Thank you for taking the time to share your story, Amy. It is all too familiar – in my life and in the lives of many others like us. Your story will encourage others, too!
Oh Cindy, It’s taken me days to get round to reading this. So Sorry!
It is a FANTASTIC post. I will be recommending it with bells on our blog.
Although I’ve heard this story before from your own lips, to read it was really powerful. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much, Barb. Hope all is well with you and Jeff and the ministry. We’re going to be on the radio in Northern California again the weekend of April 14 and 21! I recommended that they interview Jeff, too. If he hasn’t heard from Jim, he might want to e-mail him.
I”m letting Jeff know this by email. Thanks for the heads up, Cindy.
Cindy,
Thanks for sharing your story. It is a great testimony to God’s faithfulness that your son came to realize the truth. I am so happy for all of you!
My husband decided to focus in on my son, teaching him abusive and violent tendencies, when he was 13 years old. This once happy young man became sullen and angry, fighting with the rest of the family and anyone perceived as Dad’s enemies. The bonding
methods used were like branwashing techniques.
I took this to the church and looking back, I believe that the pastor had covert aggressive tendencies as described in George Simon’s books. After almost three years after my husband left and ceased contact with the children, my son still had remnants of anger. Over time, it had greatly subsided because I think that my son really does like me, but sometimes he would make statements about how Dad was wronged and that the church leadership and counselors did not like me. I thought he was making this up, or that his father may have given him thse ideas.
Last week, he told me that the pastor told gave him this information in private conversations! I was surprised but given the pastor’s behavior throughout this crisis, I shouldn’t have been. I have reported this breech of confidentiality to the church governing board. Also, I did report the conduct of the counseling service to the state licensing board. The investigation was concluded and the counseling service is now closed. I told my son this development, and he looked relieved. In his eyes, I was finally validated by God and he can see that his father, the pastor and the counselor were not credible. I, like you, am thankful to have my son back, but it was a hard road. Sometimes kids just need to see the truth for themselves.
You have a powerful story of your own. In abusive relationships, the abuser is often quite adept at rallying allies to support him, and those often include our children, seeking a twisted means of revenge that involves our kids. It can definitely be a long and difficult road. I praise God when I hear or read others’ testimonies where the truth wins!
Cindy
This is such a powerful and touching story. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for your note. I can tell you it is a lot easier looking back on it than going through it…
Cindy, what a wonderful story of encouragement. Your story mirrors mine except I haven’t got the ending yet. This child is older than yours was and knows all about the Dad’s abusiveness, but is still disrespectful and rude to me, mainly because I was the victim and I am guessing that victims “deserve to be despised”. I would not accept disrespect, and this child has chosen to disengage with me for nearly a year now.
I have grieved the loss of this child, and am prepared to never know if this child marries, has children, leaves the state, or has any spectacular successes at work. I have stopped feeling guilty over what happened, although I admit that I was part of the abuse that happened when we were together, in that I didn’t shield the kids from it.
It is simply yet another loss caused by being in an abusive marriage. I thank God that the other kids have a better life now and even if I have lost one, the others are free, and although there is still along way to go to heal from the effects of living in an abusive home, we are forging a new life, and who knows, maybe one day, I will have the good ending as well…
Cindy,
Again, I am FLOORED thinking that you must be looking into my home as a fly on the wall or something. This is my son exactly.
“It was as though Kyle had assumed the role of his abusive father”
I don’t know how many times I have said this to my close friends and my counselor and my son’s counselor. I have been trully afraid of my son at times, especially now that he is taller than me. He has reduced me and my daughter to tears more than once with his tirades.
It is so hard to practice tough love with our kids, but I love how you did and the fruit that it ultimately produced.
Please pray for me and my son. I have made a huge decision to send him to public school next year after homeschooling him since birth. He is disrepectful to me and to his sister and this cannot go on. He needs to understand that being at home with us is a privelage and not a right. Public school in 7th grade will be hard to adjust to, but I believe God has told me that is just what he needs. I am scared but hopeful it will be a positive change.
God bless.
Hello, Julie.
I am glad that you took the time to write. I wrote that piece knowing that there are other women who are going through the same things my son and I did.
Yes, your son does need tough love. You can do it. Don’t be scared – be strong!
Cindy
Cindy, I am in tears right now at the encouragement you just wrote. I am so torn between wanting to stand up and fight in the court system for my children and just wait patiently for them to realize I’m not the monster their dad has instilled in them. They are only 9 and 11 and I have custody, but his visitation order is half. They alternate weeks between us. They tell me that they are just waiting for the day that they can tell the judge they want to live with dad and hold it against me that I make them stay with me during my week. I have to admit, our relationship has gotten better, but it is a very SLOW process. And just when I think things are better, something else happens that reminds me it’s not THAT much better. I really believe that anytime their dad suspects our relationship is getting better, he steps in and fills their heads with something else. When they are with me, after a few days, things are decent. When they leave to go with him and come back, it’s like I lost them all over again.
I’ve really been struggling with whether or not to go back to court and plead for standard visitation for him. I hate seeing them turning into little clones of him.
But for now I wait, even though it’s hard. I don’t want to lose the little ground I have made. I’m just trying really hard to be myself and show them the light within me and the goodness. My ex is powerful, but he can’t have more power than the Truth.
I go back and forth on whether I should fight for them and get them away from his manipulation and abuse and take the chance that they always hold another grudge against me (they already blame me for destroying our family because I’m the one who left and he made sure they knew “it wasn’t his fault and he would take me back if I would come”. Or just let it ride as it is and leave it completely in God’s capable hands. It’s hard to know… But it’s nice to know that this CAN have a happy ending. THANK YOU for the HOPE of which you’ve written. 🙂
Dear livingtransparently,
I’m not Cindy, but I just read your post and wanted to respond to you. My heart breaks for you and your children and your situation, in great part becuase I can relate to it so much. My children are close in age to yours (13 and 10) and at least my son (the oldest) blames me so much for the divorce. My ex made sure to let them know “he” didn’t want it (no matter that he CAUSED it!!!). My son is so, so angry at me right now, and our relationship is strained. My relationship with my daughter is much better – she understands more that things are better now with her parents NOT living together, and she is very mature for her age. But, I still see negative habits and personality traits that she gets from her dad creeping up in her behavior more and more. My ex only has standard visitation and he is able to influence them so much just during that time. I can only imagine how it would be if he had them a whole week! I’m so thankful he never pursued that.
While I am NOT an attorney and cannot advise you in any way but as a mom who has been and is where you are, my thoughts after reading your post is that getting into a nasty, expensive legal battle with your ex would probably not be a good idea. In fact, that is probably EXACTLY what he would like for you to do, thus draining your precious energy and financial resources. You need to preserve those resources to 1) take care of yourself and heal from the abuse you suffered and 2) be the best Mom you can and take care of them during the time you have them. It’s possible that they may become even more resentful if they knew you were trying to “take them away” from their dad even more than they already think that you have. Try to make the most of the time you have with them and show them that you are the bigger person and the healthy and whole person. Try never to talk badly about their dad even though he probably deserves it. That will only feed into what he is trying to do and make them believe.
This is only my $0.02 advice based on what I have experienced and had to learn to do in my situation. 🙂 I really do believe truth will prevail in the end. Ultimately, our children have to choose their own paths and learn the Truth for themselves. Keep praying for them and believing for better days.
I also meant to add that another thing I’ve had to learn and remind myself of daily is that, with kids our kids’ age, there is going to be some natural rebellion against their parents anyway, whether their parents are divorced or not. Raging hormones, preteen angst, all that fun stuff. 🙂 I remember rebelling against my mom at this age big time, and my parents were happily married. Things are probably more magnified when parents are divorced, because the kids try to pit one parent against the other (and dysfunctional, abusive parents feed into this). But don’t think that having trouble with your kids means you are a bad parent or that you are alone in this.
God bless! 🙂
Hello and thank you for sharing your very wise insights and advice, Julie. I totally empathize with the heartache that you and livingtransparently are struggling with. It is heart-wrenching.
I wish there was an easy answer, but I don’t think there is one. It seems that any answer involves time – time for your kids to realize that their relationship with their dad is not the same as their relationship with their mom, time for them to see the contrast for themselves in terms of how you manage your life and how he manages his. As you can see from my son’s story, it was extremely painful for him to come to a place where he could admit the truth after believing something else for so long. To then verbalize it after treating me the way he did must have been one of the hardest things he has ever chosen to do. Our kids want to believe what their parents tell them. Only evidence that they can see consistently with their own eyes and hearts will alter that belief. Our job, then, is to be genuine, and give them the time and grace to come to their own conclusions. Pray for wisdom, and for your children. And let time be their teacher.
I pray that your children discover the truth that will set them free and believe that, with your love and acceptance, they will.
Cindy
Thank you Julie and Cindy! You have been very encouraging. Sometimes, I just want to take matters into my own hands but I just have to be patient and let God handle things for me. I’m definitely learning patience. This life goes by in a blink of an eye, and one thing that gives me hope is that someday, ALL of us will know the truth.
Thank you for all these helpful comments. I am experiencing some of the same disrespect from my oldest (20) and to a lesser extent, my younger son (16). My older son had been a target of my husband’s abuse for many years and it was this realization that finally knocked me out of my fear zone. Its like I wouldn’t stand up for myself, but even though I was so scared, I just couldn’t allow him to bully our son any longer. I didn’t do enough soon enough. (He is 6″3 now and fear of his dad isn’t an issue, because bullies only pick on the weak, but I know the pain he experienced from the harsh treatment and never being good enough.) I have apologized to my son without expecting anything in return. But I do understand that I cannot allow him to be disrespectful. His father’s treatment of me and his disparaging remarks about women over the years certainly have to have colored Skyler’s view of women, but I pray that as he sees me growing and changing and dealing with issues in a mature position of strength, and as he sees the effect it is having on his dad (who is showing some humility for the first time in our lives) he will see me as someone worthy of respect. Even so, every few weeks or so I have to reign him in a bit and remind him that he is living at home because I want to help him while he is going to college but that it is by no means, without boundaries. He seems to get the message and becomes more passive/aggressive than overtly disrespectful. I agree that the only healing balm will be time. Time for him to mature, time for him to experience some difficulties in life that perhaps will make him see me in retrospect, with a kinder eye. You all are SUCH amazing women! Being “with” you all here makes me feel like I am still going against the waves crashing against the shoreline…BUT THANK GOD NO LONGER ALONE!
Hello, Debby.
I feel the need to cut against the grain just a little bit here. Your son has reached an age where he is fully capable of supporting himself, if necessary. Your willingness to allow him to remain in your home and support him while he is in college is a generous gift, not an entitlement. You indicated that he more passive-aggressive than overtly abusive – but that is still abuse. Any behavior that is less than respectful is hurtful and still creates an atmosphere of imbalance and and undercurrent of fear.
Each of us must respond in the way we believe will bring healing. To be blunt, you might want to remind yourself that you owe him nothing, and you do not need to earn his respect. On the contrary, he should be doing everything in his power to honor your generosity. Failure to reflect that reality should be met with consequences.
It’s hard to do. The risk of losing our relationship with our kids when they see us as the bad guy is terrifying. But I have seen that our kids learn who is safe and whom they want to emulate sometimes by watching from a distance. In truth, our kids often come to believe that the only options are to be either predator or prey in any given relationship. We can show them that there is another option – protector. You will have to be the one to set that standard in your home – protecting all under your roof from hurtful behavior. And then our kids learn that that role is superior and ultimately, hopefully, they will see that that role is one they can adopt with pride and let go of all the anger they carry.
My son, Kyle, is no longer hostile and angry, but respectful. He is also a protector. He is free to be happy. For a very long time, I wondered if that day would ever come. As I think you can tell from our story, it was not an easy road for either of us.
Cindy