“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Proverbs 13:20
In some how-to-survive-abuse circles, one popular strategy suggested for dealing with an abuser is detachment. The basic premise is that the enabler-victim can train herself to become unresponsive to the abuser’s tirades and criticisms while stunting her emotions so that she is unaffected by his attacks. The objective is to find a way to remain in her toxic relationship without being harmed. In encounters with the abuser, the victim mentally acknowledges that he is being irrational or hurtful, yet detachment asserts that the victim doesn’t have to allow the abuser’s poison to bore into any part of her life where he can hurt her.
Personally, I don’t buy it. Detachment imposes upon its adherents a belief that one can – and must – become robotic and emotionally closed off in a relationship as intimate as marriage. May it never be.
First and foremost, the crux of detachment demands that, in the presence of a threat to her well-being – whether physical or emotional – an abuse victim must willfully disregard the God-given instincts that tell her she is in danger.
Detachment says, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Is there anyone out there who actually believes that?
Let’s be frank: there is no way to keep shameful, debilitating words from seeping into our spirit, yet detachment says that a victim can find a way to pretend she’s not hurting when she is. It is believed that detaching will somehow make the hurt go away or diminish the impact of events as the victim endeavors to separate the abuses from the offender as she engages in some mind-numbing process. It’s not really him; it’s just words. Look beyond the abuse and choose to see the best in him. But that imaginary person is not who he is. He is who he is, and the truth is that he is an abuser. The priority should be to uncover and expose the truth rather than to artificially construct ways of covering it with a ridiculously generous, disastrous lie.
The mindset that accompanies a victim’s decision to detach goes something like this: I can do this. If I can learn how to not feel what is really happening, then I can survive anything. I can rise above the abuse. This mindset begs a few simple questions:
1) Why should you have to detach from what is true? By training yourself to control your emotions and natural responses to override what is really occurring, such an unnatural self-determination should serve as clear evidence that something in the relationship is seriously wrong.
2) Do you detach because you believe the abuser is destined to change? (This is our typical mindset.) Or are you detaching to prepare to live like this for the rest of your life? Those are the only two options.
3) Do you believe your abuser doesn’t know what he is doing or how his actions are affecting you? If that is the case, then why would he change? Similarly, if you think you can help him see the harm he is causing, and then he will surely change his ways, then why isn’t that working now?
4) Do you believe that putting your walls up and pretending it’s not that bad will somehow make it better than it is? And is that what you really want – to live in a marriage where abuse is ignored and tolerated – where abuse is an integral part of your home life?
Denial about the truth of the condition of the relationship is what keeps victims bound to the insanity to begin with. The put-downs, the sarcasm and manipulation, the name-calling and shaming and cursing – those things are not random or unintentional. In fact, they are cold, calculated and designed to cause pain.
Realize that detaching also sends a message to the abuser that you’re going to remain no matter how he treats you, although he should instead expect to reap what he has sown. Detachment protects him from the natural consequences of his unacceptable behavior. So in reality, detachment is merely another form of enabling behavior that serves to accommodate the continuation of abuse. One woman in detachment mode commented that her husband was not responsible for her happiness. Of course not, but he shouldn’t be responsible for her misery either.
Finally, detachment specifically urges the victim to avoid engaging when her abuser attacks. The target is urged to remain stone-faced and stalwart, appearing unaffected by his words or actions. This may work in those cases where she is prepared to immediately remove herself from the situation while attempting to avoid any escalation. But on the other hand, a no-response from the victim may only incite the abuser to work harder to invoke a response, potentially provoking him to ramp up his aggression or look for weak spots where he can create chaos or cause trauma. So there are times when efforts to detach can be particularly dangerous. Detachment might be a strategy for self-protection in the short-term, but not as a lifestyle.
For a victim of abuse, the bottom line is that detachment agrees to ignore both the seriousness of the problem – and the perpetrator. The truth is that the pain is real, and the abuser’s conscious decision to pour out his venom on his victim is why she is hurting. Similarly, the magnitude of the offenses cannot – and should not – be somehow detached from the one committing them. And while a victim may be tempted to presume that those undeserved, malicious words just randomly or unintentionally happened to escape his lips, she needs to realize that they first took root in his heart.
Abuse is not merely a matter of curbing bad behavior. Abuse is a heart issue. The real work must begin there.
“…the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart…” Matthew 15:18
The trouble with detachment is that it tip-toes around the truth. It is far less likely that detachment will protect the victim and far more likely that it will protect the toxic status quo.
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Copyright 2018, All Rights Reserved
Cindy Burrell
Cindy,
Wow! Excellent explanation. And, of course, there are the children to consider as well–how are they being affected?
In my own case, something else “held” me, too, for years, when “Mr. Hyde” reared his abusive head: the errant notion that somehow divorce is the unforgiveable sin, and that if I were to leave the marriage somehow I would be out from under God’s own protection/provision.
Lies, of course.
But how many Christian women think they must remain to abusers due to that kind of indoctrination? How many are still trapped in abusive relationship due to those two lies, especially in light of the new cult of patriarchalism that teaches that women and children are subordinates to men and must subsume themselves to husband/father’s higher spiritual position (the visual model shows their spiritual hierarchy as first, Christ, then husband/father, then wife, then children–Bill Gothard’s teaching)?
I shudder to think.
Well, it is possible to be delivered from that kind of evil.
Although I was not part of that cult, the teaching and variants exist elsewhere in sectors of the modern church, but even after decades, I was able to leave.
After decades!
And God has not forsaken me. I have recovered more peace, safety, energy, health, and creativity than I ever dreamed was possible–even though “recovery” from such a relationship is hard, takes time, and will in some respects take the rest of one’s life.
I pray others who read this will come that much closer to their own deliverance from evil, too.
Blessings!
❤
I’m currently living this. After about a year and a half of finding my confidence and standing up for myself, I decided to detach. We are currently in our second round of counseling, month 5. Our Christian counselor is also an enabler giving him false hope that we still have a marriage. Marriage is his constant pavilion for keeping me guilted in the marriage and I will be the complete and utter blame if I file. We have 2 children, one a ten yo son who I fear will be crushed by the divorce but is also turning into him. Thank you for your words. I cannot tell enough how much it helps to know we’re not alone.
Hello, DJ. You are definitely not alone. You also mentioned counseling here, as you did in a prior comment. Believe me when I tell you that, if you want to seek support from a counselor, you are better off getting help for yourself alone and with a different counselor. If your husband wishes to see a counselor to address his own issues on his own, then he should – although that is an idea he will probably reject because he has no power in such a venue. Or he will go once or twice, insist that he is fine and then expect you to get on board. The consistency of this pattern in such instances is stunning…
Did you mean that your ten year old son is turning into an abuser? I pray not. But here is what is going on there… Generally, our children see the dynamic in the home and they are compelled to choose whether they prefer to be a predator – or prey. Some children withdraw and try to make peace (as they see their mom doing) or they decide they don’t want to be prey and they decide to mimic the role of the abuser, in which case they believe that, by aligning themselves with the aggressor, the aggressor will leave them alone. It’s a sad, strange reality, but I see it often. What we need to show our children (in my view) is a third option: that of protector. The hope is that they can be inspired to become an ally of their mother and of the other hurting people in their life in the future. Just something to think about.
Wishing you well in this difficult journey,
Cindy
While I appreciate and agree with many of your points, you fail to recognize the realities of a longterm marriage with children, when the abused decides to detach, for a limited amount of time, in order to find clarity and strength, especially when children are involved. Your #2 above only gives 2 options, but there is a 3rd… to detach for a certain time while deciding whether to stay or leave, or to save money in case one leaves or a plethora of other understandable reasons given the often precarious position the abused can be in after years of emotional and financial abuse. If that detachment leads to the abuser making the necessary changes required to stay, great. But the detachment is not to gain that result, but simply to regain a sense of inner stability in order to function and make choices moving forward that are best for the abused and the children who are affected by the dynamic.
Hello, “Detached.” Thank you for taking the time to write and share your perspective. I appreciate your perspective.
Perhaps you misunderstood the intent of the piece.
My primary point relates to the premise of detaching emotionally as a long-term practice employed simply to survive the abuse – a strategy that urges victims to try to separate themselves emotionally from what is happening in their homes with the long-term objective of keeping their marriages whole no matter what the abuser does.
Trying to detach from the situation in the short-term may serve a purpose as you noted, however, most victims I have worked with have a very difficult time keeping themselves emotionally detached, safe or predominantly unaffected while remaining in the same home with their abuser.
I hope this clarifies my view…
Blessings,
Cindy