Tag Archives: Abuse

abuse

Should You Detach?

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“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”  Proverbs 13:20

In some how-to-survive-abuse circles, one popular strategy suggested for dealing with an abuser is detachment.  The basic premise is that the enabler-victim can train herself to become unresponsive to the abuser’s tirades and criticisms while stunting her emotions so that she is unaffected by his attacks.  The objective is to find a way to remain in her toxic relationship without being harmed.  In encounters with the abuser, the victim mentally acknowledges that he is being irrational or hurtful, yet detachment asserts that the victim doesn’t have to allow the abuser’s poison to bore into any part of her life where he can hurt her.

Personally, I don’t buy it.  Detachment imposes upon its adherents a belief that one can – and must – become robotic and emotionally closed off in a relationship as intimate as marriage.  May it never be.

First and foremost, the crux of detachment demands that, in the presence of a threat to her well-being – whether physical or emotional – an abuse victim must willfully disregard the God-given instincts that tell her she is in danger.

Detachment says, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  Is there anyone out there who actually believes that?

Let’s be frank:  there is no way to keep shameful, debilitating words from seeping into our spirit, yet detachment says that a victim can find a way to pretend she’s not hurting when she is.  It is believed that detaching will somehow make the hurt go away or diminish the impact of events as the victim endeavors to separate the abuses from the offender as she engages in some mind-numbing process.  It’s not really him; it’s just words.  Look beyond the abuse and choose to see the best in him.  But that imaginary person is not who he is.  He is who he is, and the truth is that he is an abuser.  The priority should be to uncover and expose the truth rather than to artificially construct ways of covering it with a ridiculously generous, disastrous lie.

The mindset that accompanies a victim’s decision to detach goes something like this:  I can do this.  If I can learn how to not feel what is really happening, then I can survive anything.  I can rise above the abuse.  This mindset begs a few simple questions:

1) Why should you have to detach from what is true?  By training yourself to control your emotions and natural responses to override what is really occurring, such an unnatural self-determination should serve as clear evidence that something in the relationship is seriously wrong.

2) Do you detach because you believe the abuser is destined to change?  (This is our typical mindset.)  Or are you detaching to prepare to live like this for the rest of your life?  Those are the only two options.

3) Do you believe your abuser doesn’t know what he is doing or how his actions are affecting you?  If that is the case, then why would he change?  Similarly, if you think you can help him see the harm he is causing, and then he will surely change his ways, then why isn’t that working now?

4)  Do you believe that putting your walls up and pretending it’s not that bad will somehow make it better than it is?  And is that what you really want – to live in a marriage where abuse is ignored and tolerated – where abuse is an integral part of your home life?

Denial about the truth of the condition of the relationship is what keeps victims bound to the insanity to begin with.  The put-downs, the sarcasm and manipulation, the name-calling and shaming and cursing – those things are not random or unintentional.  In fact, they are cold, calculated and designed to cause pain.

Realize that detaching also sends a message to the abuser that you’re going to remain no matter how he treats you, although he should instead expect to reap what he has sown.  Detachment protects him from the natural consequences of his unacceptable behavior.  So in reality, detachment is merely another form of enabling behavior that serves to accommodate the continuation of abuse.  One woman in detachment mode commented that her husband was  not responsible for her happiness.  Of course not, but he shouldn’t be responsible for her misery either.

Finally, detachment specifically urges the victim to avoid engaging when her abuser attacks.  The target is urged to remain stone-faced and stalwart, appearing unaffected by his words or actions.  This may work in those cases where she is prepared to immediately remove herself from the situation while attempting to avoid any escalation. But on the other hand, a no-response from the victim may only incite the abuser to work harder to invoke a response, potentially provoking him to ramp up his aggression or look for weak spots where he can create chaos or cause trauma.  So there are times when efforts to detach can be particularly dangerous.  Detachment might be a strategy for self-protection in the short-term, but not as a lifestyle.

For a victim of abuse, the bottom line is that detachment agrees to ignore both the seriousness of the problem – and the perpetrator.  The truth is that the pain is real, and the abuser’s conscious decision to pour out his venom on his victim is why she is hurting.  Similarly, the magnitude of the offenses cannot – and should not – be somehow detached from the one committing them.  And while a victim may be tempted to presume that those undeserved, malicious words just randomly or unintentionally happened to escape his lips, she needs to realize that they first took root in his heart.

Abuse is not merely a matter of curbing bad behavior.  Abuse is a heart issue.  The real work must begin there.

“…the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart…”  Matthew 15:18

The trouble with detachment is that it tip-toes around the truth.  It is far less likely that detachment will protect the victim and far more likely that it will protect the toxic status quo.

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Copyright 2018, All Rights Reserved

Cindy Burrell

abuse, belief system, Christianity, confusion, controlling abuse, disrespect, domestic violence, emotional abuse, fear, hostility, loneliness, manipulation, marriage, neglect, unsafe home

Where’s My Gumball?

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Consider the gumball machine; it’s a relational analogy that works.

Practically speaking, it should be understood that in any relationship there is a give-and-take dynamic.  It should not be a matter of I’m-gonna-get-what-I’ve-got-coming-to-me sort of attitude, but rather a natural, mutual desire to meet the needs of the one we say we care most about.  Both people make investments of goodwill for the sake of the other, and both enjoy the benefits of one another’s gracious contributions.

But what happens when one person consistently, intentionally fails to demonstrate love and care toward the person they claim to love?

In an abusive relationship, the enabler-victim in the relationship is almost always in a perpetual struggle to reach the heart of her* abuser.  Although he is cold, emotionally cruel and frighteningly unpredictable, she remains committed, believing that her persistent love will reap its intended outcome – a healthy, mutually respectful, intimate partnership.  So day after day, by her practical and emotional investment, she puts a nickel into the proverbial gumball machine hoping to receive a small, reasonable return on her investment, if not today, then perhaps tomorrow – or the next day.

She reminds herself to be patient, learns to go without, and tries to dismiss his cruel words and habitual selfishness and neglect.  When he is hurtful, she tries to talk to him about her needs and longings, but rather than hearing her, embracing her and endeavoring to remind her of her worth, he instead insists that she is overly sensitive and needy.

Nevertheless, she continues to look for ways to remind him of her love, does those little extra things that she thinks will make him happy and help him to see how hard she is trying, believing that he will one day reciprocate.  Over time, she begins to wonder if or when she will receive the kindly attention and genuine affection she craves.  As hard and frustrating as it is, day after day she puts her nickels into the gumball machine and expectantly waits to hear the sweet morsel as it tumbles down the chute and falls into the cradled palm of her hand – concrete evidence of his love for her.  But as hungry as she is for the reward, it doesn’t come.

As the months or years pass, she might receive an occasional pat on the back or a sterile kind of “You know I love you” from her abuser’s lips, but those words cannot compensate for the countless coins of care she has invested with so little return.  Of course, we don’t love our spouse demanding a reward, but realistically, in a marriage, it is perfectly reasonable to expect one – healthy measures of genuine, spontaneous tenderness, affirmation and encouragement.  In a practical sense, our spouse’s presence should be the safest place to be.  But in an abusive relationship, the abuser expects his victim to keep investing in him while he offers little but endless criticism and a hostile, demanding presence.

So after so many months or years, why would anyone be surprised when the abuse victim leaves?  There is no mutual love there.  She has been emotionally bankrupted.  She has no nickels left to give.

But what happens when she finally leaves?  Typically, her abuser will suddenly chase after her.  He will offer a one-size-fits-all apology, tell her, “It will never happen again,” and expect her to unquestioningly return to him.  And what kind of fallout might she expect should she refuse to buy in?  What if she doubts his sincerity, having no reason to trust his words?  What if her instincts are telling her that nothing has really changed?  What if she feels certain that she must keep her distance?

In most instances, the abuser will soon become angry, and his weary victim will hear, “I said I’m sorry.  You need to get over it and forgive me and come back to me.”

With demanding anticipation, he will exclaim, “How dare you keep me waiting?  How dare you turn me away?  How dare you be so selfish and unfeeling?”

At this point, the truth is that he has invested nothing, so his victim owes him nothing.

Yet the abuser will almost always have the audacity to whine, moan, groan and complain, saying essentially, “Hey, I put in my nickel.  Where’s my gumball?”

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*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.

Copyright 2017, All Rights Reserved

abuse, belief system, children, church denial, conflict, confusion, controlling abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, fear, hypocrisy, recovery, religion

Family Culture or Family Cult?

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“Transgression speaks to the ungodly within his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes.”

Psalm 36:1

Every family has its own unique culture, a structure, and a flavor woven through it that begins with the parental relationship and filters down to the children.  Each family culture is defined by priorities, interpersonal relationships, and the power pyramid, which incorporates authority, family rules, boundaries and expectations.

Entire books have been written on this subject, so let’s summarize this dynamic by acknowledging that priorities may include a balance of personal responsibilities and social activities, as well as household expectations that incorporate chores, obligations and cooperation.  Some family cultures are obviously healthier than others, and some are downright destructive.  In this regard, I have come to believe that abusive households are not merely a less healthy family culture but more akin to a family cult.

To get a better glimpse of the home-based cult dynamic, let’s take a look at some basic descriptors that define a cult and compare it to the structure of an abusive home.

All-knowing leadership. The leader claims to be sent by God to rule and make all decisions. What he thinks and believes is law.

No room for differences. Members must believe exactly the same way and in exactly the same things; there is no room for negotiation or disagreeing with the leader’s rules or doctrines or doing anything outside of the set limitations.

Scriptures get an added twist. Bible verses are often taken out of context or twisted to mean whatever accommodates the leader’s agenda.

All others are wrong.  The cult leader asserts that God has given him the role of pointing out “heretical and evil” attitudes and behavior that don’t fall in line with his viewpoint.  Furthermore, followers are expected to defend the family structure no matter how rigid, cold, impersonal or impractical it may be.

Works prove faith. The leader often claims his efforts are superior to those performed by everyone else.  For this reason, all members of the family must demonstrate absolute abeyance, a commitment to perfectionism, devotion, the preservation of image, and an expectation that all family secrets will be kept.

The high standard applied to family members does not apply to the leader.  The leader is exempt from the expectations he imposes on others. Calling attention to the leader’s hypocrisy may result in painful retribution.

Safety is a big unknown.  The leader bases his measure of approval of family members on performance and accommodation.  Members operate under the constant fear of criticism, judgment and punishment.

No exit. Leaving is not an option.  Intimidation and the ever-present threat of physical, emotional, social or even financial pain are used to deter members from escaping.  Those who dare to question or leave the overly controlling environment will be condemned as traitors and treated as such.[i]

Although what is described above is consistent with a cult structure, it is also verifiably consistent with the kind of dynamic found in abusive households.

Family members suffering under abusive, dictatorial rule are often deprived of power, permission or resources; therefore, the intent to break free of the family cult comes with a substantial measure of fear and intimidation.  Escaping requires:

  • a sober recognition of the immoral, irrational dynamic that the cult leader has created in spite of heavy and ongoing indoctrination;
  • a courageous willingness to reject the authority of the leader and other family members and his allies; and
  • the determination to take the actions necessary to escape under threat of condemnation, demonization, isolation and other forms of emotional or practical punishment.

Those leaving a religious cult will almost certainly be welcomed, embraced and protected by many churches from the cult leader’s influence and his design to reclaim his victim(s), while providing victims with the opportunity to detox, enjoy restoration, and come to a full knowledge of the truth.  Unfortunately, when those wishing to flee a destructive, cult-like, abusive family seek out people of faith for support (pastors, Christian counselors and fellow believers), those who might be inclined to aid victims leaving a religious cult may be the very ones who try to prevent victims who are desperate to escape a home-based one.

Christian leaders and counselors should be guardians of truth – and therefore equipped to identify untruth.  Sadly, many religious folks tend to rationalize that these small but toxic sects are somehow benign or even valid when it comes to the family cult leaders’ hyper-controlling brand of authority.

Rather than identify the painful reality and support victims in their pursuit of freedom, home-bound cult victims may be encouraged to remain in the abusive environment.  We might expect hurting family members to be told that, rather than escaping, they should view their role as some kind of divine calling to be ever more respectful, obedient, encouraging and forgiving toward their leader.  In these situations, the powers that me may insist that demonstrating love is more important than rejecting the cult leader’s false teachings and sacraments, his demands for unquestioned loyalty and the fearsome power structure he uses to hold them captive.  Only because the man is a husband or a father does he somehow escape scrutiny.  This reality is absolutely bizarre, backward and overtly harmful.

It would seem obvious that family members who have lost their identity, their value and their voice to a home-based power-monger-cult-leader could expect to receive support in their pursuit of freedom from those in the body of Christ.  If only that was the case.

Thankfully, there are some who “get it,” the passionate few who possess the knowledge, experience and history to be able to identify the dysfunction and the emotional trauma caused by family-based cults.  It is these who are willing and able to educate and empower victims, to give the hurting the support and tools they need to escape and reclaim their lives.  Of course, I am happy to help, but I would also like to share links to a few other exceptional ministries in this regard:

Speaking Truth in Love Ministries

Emotional Abuse Survivor

Unholy Charade

When you see this cult-like dynamic or anything similar, take the time to encourage potential victims in their quest to get the support they need so they can break free and begin to live healthy, balanced, abuse-free lives.

[i] Don Veinot, “Defining a Cult,” Christianity Today, July/August 2001, accessed internet 6/9/2017; http://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/2001/julaug/definition-of-cult.html

(Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s  understanding is appreciated.)

Copyright 2017

abuse, Christianity, communication, conflict, confusion, controlling abuse, disrespect, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, fear, hostility, hypocrisy, manipulation, recovery

Lessons in Crazy-Making

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Lessons in Crazy-Making

It was not just a bad night among many, it was an insane night.  Our four kids were all asleep in their beds when my husband and I got into an argument about something rather menial, but he quickly escalated into a rage.  Having no success in calming him, concerned for the kids and seeing the extreme manner of his response, I simply said, “I think you need to leave.” 

At that point, he exploded.

“Oh, you want me to leave, do you!?  Well, if that’s what you want, then that’s what you’ll get!”  He immediately went out into the garage and grabbed a couple of suitcases, returned and marched upstairs, tromping as he went while he continued his tirade.  I followed him up the stairs and tried to calm him down and asked him to be quiet so as not to wake the kids, but this was his moment to make a scene.  He went into the bedroom, tossed the suitcases on the bed and began grabbing his clothes from the closet and loading them up.  He grabbed his conga drums and other instruments, dragged them downstairs and began loading them and other favorite possessions into his van.

 “I’m asking you to leave until you can calm down,” I tried to explain. 

 “You said you want me to leave, so that’s what I’m going to do!”  

It wasn’t long before the kids were awakened.  When they came out of their rooms rubbing their eyes and asking about all the commotion, their father loudly told them that I was making him leave.  They all gathered together on the eldest daughter’s bed, held one another and cried, while I worked to convince the man that he was being irrational (which didn’t go over too well) while simultaneously trying to assure the kids that everything would be okay. 

 After about 45 minutes of loading up his van, he came in and told me he was tired and was going to go to bed and would finish up in the morning.

 “Fine,” I conceded.  He went to bed, I was able to get our somewhat traumatized kids back to their beds, and I slept in the sofa-bed downstairs, where I had been sleeping for months. 

The next morning, I woke early and called my supervisor at work to let him know I would not be in, as my husband was moving out, and I needed to make some arrangements for the kids.  I got the kids off to school, returned home and was drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table when my husband slowly trudged downstairs.  Seeing me in the kitchen, he said calmly, “What are you doing home?”

“I stayed home to take care of the kids,” I reminded him, “since you’re leaving.”

He gave me an incredulous look and shook his head as though I had lost my mind.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’m not going anywhere,” he said, and retreated back upstairs to take a shower.

I would like to say that I was surprised by the absurdity of it all at that moment, but I wasn’t.  My former husband had obtained pro status when it came to responding severely and irrationally.  By the final year of our marriage, the word I mentally used to describe our relationship was “insane.”  It was. Continue reading Lessons in Crazy-Making →

abuse, belief system, conflict, confusion, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, hostility, hypocrisy, marriage, perfectionism, recovery

The Sympathy Bond

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It is a strange thing to comprehend:  most of us as abuse victims actually feel sorry for the person abusing us.  Why is that?  How can it be that, after all he* has put us through, we choose to see this person who treats us contemptuously as a fragile, hapless creature worthy of our patience and understanding?

In my own experience and having had the opportunity to work directly with many victims, there are several things that may keep us feeling sorry for the guy – and subsequently bound to him. Continue reading The Sympathy Bond →