I was meeting up with my then-estranged husband at a local book store to transfer our son, Kyle, into his care so the two of them could spend the day together.  Meandering through the aisles while awaiting his arrival, the man suddenly approached me with a basket of chocolate-covered strawberries in one hand and a big smile on his face. 

Rather than feeling touched in any way, I felt kind of sick, but not knowing how to respond in the moment, I simply accepted the berries with gratitude.  The man then tried to enter into small talk with me and ended by asking me if I would like to go out for lunch or coffee sometime.  “No,” came the easy response, in spite of the gift I held in my hands and the fact that our son was observing the entire exchange.  After a couple more awkward minutes, the man and our eldest son finally headed out the door.

That evening, my then-husband called again and tried to talk me into spending time with him.  Not a chance.  After calmly shutting him down from every angle, I closed with, “But thank you for the strawberries.” 

“Whatever,” came his sarcastic reply, and immediately I thought to myself, “There it is.”  I knew those blasted berries came with strings attached – some kind of obligation that I refused to accommodate.  His plan had failed.

Since those days, I have heard and read similar stories and have known that this type of scenario represents a typical abuser strategy, but I didn’t know it had a name:  Selfish giving.*

Selfish giving has the appearance of selflessness, generosity or genuine care, but when you’re in an abusive relationship, it is almost exclusively another form of self-serving manipulation.  Selfish giving imposes an awkward pressure on the abuser’s victim to convey appreciation and – he hopes – an obligation to forgive any and all previous offenses and re-establish some degree of intimacy based on the perception of good will.

Selfish giving is simply another form of crazy-making designed to force you to let your guard down.  Any failure to respond according to the abuser’s anticipated expectations gives him ammunition to paint you as selfish, unfeeling and ungrateful.

Unfortunately, gifts are the abuser’s cheap, easy substitute for legitimate repentance and change.  But note…

• A truly changed man is willing to identify and apologize for specific things he has done to hurt you;
• A truly changed man recognizes that he alone is responsible for the changes he needs to make in his life;
• A truly changed man will respect your boundaries and your need for time and distance to heal; and
• A truly changed man is willing to acknowledge that his abusive history may have harmed the relationship beyond repair.

On the other hand, the unrepentant abuser believes a heart-warming gift will give the impression of genuine devotion and inspire renewed trust.  The abuser’s motives do not reflect genuine goodness but rather pure, unadulterated selfishness.

So know that you don’t have to participate in his game.

I know it may feel strange to refuse his gifts, offers of help or other seemingly selfless gestures, but when you do, you are refusing to give him access to your life or your heart and depriving him of the power he seeks.  You are setting an important boundary and letting him know that you will not risk jeopardizing your safety, peace and contentment for anyone – or anything.

“Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.” Proverbs 22:5

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For more on this subject, you might want to check out “Lessons In Crazy-Making.”

*The dynamic was referenced by a commenter on another blog.

Abusers may be of either gender; however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male.  For the sake of simplicity, the abuser is referenced here in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

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