“I am the black sheep in the family.” 
How often have you heard those words? Perhaps you have spoken them. Perhaps you have been saddled with an identity you did not seek, an identity that does not reflect who you really are.
Perhaps you know what it feels like to be the outcast, a misfit, a thorn in the side of those whose norms and expectations strangely – and even irrationally – clash with your own. It is an extremely painful yet common reality for many. Continue reading The Black Sheep
Predator or Prey?
“…be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.”
Ephesians 6:10
When living in an abusive household, there is no truly safe place, no easy answers, and no best response to a given situation, because the world revolves around the abuser’s* wants and needs, which are ever-changing. This kind of unstable environment has profound impacts on wives – the abuser’s primary victims – and children.
For some of you reading this, what I need to share may be difficult to receive; nevertheless, I hope you will consider what I have to say, for I have been where you are…
I know you are determined to fix it, to help the man* to whom you are so devoted, to help him work through whatever pain he is carrying, to love him unconditionally in spite of how he treats you. I know you want to believe that hiding somewhere beneath that prickly exterior is the man who found a way to win your heart however many months or years ago.
I know you want to be strong, to prove to yourself, God, those who know you and the man you live with that no matter how he treats you, you won’t break and you will never give up. You believe that somehow, someday his heart will soften, life will become sweet and safe, and you will both bask in the kind of deep, transcendent love you imagine. I know that each morning you awaken with a new hope that maybe today things will be different. Maybe today he will see you and decide to love you back. Maybe today you will find the key that will unlock his seemingly lost and hurting heart.
“Time, whose tooth gnaws away at everything else, is powerless against truth.” – Thomas Huxley
The above quote has become one of my favorites because I am certain that, in the end, the truth will be revealed. I also know that some lies are served up so consistently and convincingly that it can be difficult to see what is true through the thick fog of deception, and there is no way of knowing how much time may pass before the truth is clearly visible. It was for seven long years that such a fog succeeded in alienating my son from me.
My story is not uncommon. I know many parents who have either lost – or fear losing – their children to a lie, and it is for this reason I have chosen to share this story.
After separating from my abusive husband, it was not long before he went on the offensive. He began to offer up a fictitious history about our marriage, to plant seeds of doubt about my character, my commitment and my faith in the minds of those willing to listen. He also used the time he spent with our four children to attempt to undermine my credibility in their young eyes. Though he urged secrecy from them, they would sometimes hesitantly pose questions to me regarding damning falsehoods their father had shared about me. The woman he described to our kids was someone I did not know, and there were occasions when I was put in the awkward position of having to correct our kids’ understanding. It was heartbreaking to know that our kids had been put into a position where they had to choose whom or what to believe. For the most part, I felt confident that the significant contrast between our former home life and the new life we had come to appreciate was evidence enough. Continue reading Seven Long Years
“It is better to be from a broken home than to live in one.”
I wish I knew the name of the pastor I heard on the radio who offered up that stunning statement. I’ll admit my surprise knowing it was a pastor who said it. I remember smiling to myself and exclaiming aloud, “Thank you.” For what he shared is something rarely heard.
For an abuse victim who dares to reveal to her friends and family members her inclination to leave her abuser, she often hears something quite different than what the pastor asserted. She will more likely hear, “What about the children?”
There it is: an emotional trump card, a ticking time bomb. Any convictions about escaping the emotional harm she and her children might face on a daily basis are at once upended and she finds herself catapulted into visions of an unavoidably disastrous future. Could it be that perhaps separating from the abuser will only make things worse? Is it true that a child is better off in an abusive household where both parents are present than in a broken home?