Tag Archives: Christianity

abuse, belief system, betrayal, biblical divorce, conflict, confusion, controlling abuse, cruelty, divorce, emotional abuse, faith, fear, humiliation, hypocrisy, judgment, marriage, perfectionism, shame, trauma

He Really Believes…

Leave a comment

In my conversations with abuse victims, the above phrase is something I can typically expect to hear.

It begins with “He* really believes…” and ends with:

…his way is the right way.

…I’m the one with the problem.

…I don’t understand him.

…I should just trust him.

…he is justified in treating me the way he does.

…I’m a lousy wife.

Does he really believe those things?  If he does, then to my way of thinking, there are only two options.  Either: 1) he is painfully delusional, or 2) he is doing everything in his power to convince you that he believes those things of you.

Why would he do that?

Continue reading He Really Believes… →

abuse, Christianity, conflict, confusion, divorce, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, leaving an abuser, manipulation, marriage, recovery, religion, truth, unsafe home, wisdom

Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall?

Leave a comment

“The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself.  The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness; and the end of his talk is mischievous madness.”  Ecclesiastes 10:12-13

King Solomon describes those who are swallowed up by their own folly, their own words betraying their “mischievous madness.”  Perhaps you have witnessed what he so eloquently described.

It happens when your priorities finally shift, when holding your unhappy relationship together is replaced by a deepening determination to break free.  But your abuser will realize he’s* losing his grip, and thus begins the next chapter in this ridiculous saga…

Continue reading Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall? →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, church denial, conflict, confusion, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, family dysfunction, judgment, marriage, religion, remarriage, unsafe home

The Dreaded “D” Word

2 Comments

In my conversations with abuse victims, as I listen to them while they peel away layer after layer of marital heartbreak, there may come a point when I find myself engaged in an internal wrestling match, when I am thoroughly convinced that I need to use the dreaded “D” word, but I wonder:  Is it okay for me to say it?

Will the hurting soul on the other end of the phone freak out if I dare to mention divorce? Will she be able to even consider it?  Or will she feel obligated to tune me out based upon a supposition that I must be either ignorant of biblical teachings or shockingly flippant about marriage in general?

Once spoken, the word hangs heavily in the air.  For the terrible reality is that most of us have been indoctrinated to believe that the One who created marriage is unmoved by those who suffer in it, that hurting spouses will surely offend the Almighty and may expect to be abandoned by Him should they end their disastrous marriages.  Succumbing to divorce may bring with it a presumption of a shallow faith, marital laziness or even blatant disobedience.  No one wants that.

So as a sincere act of devotion to God, many flatly refuse to consider divorce as an option – period – committing instead to praying for their wayward spouse, striving to do all the right things, and proving their worth with the hope of earning their abusers’ love.  They live with a pained belief that restoration must surely be within reach. Holding on is the only acceptable option when it is presumed that God hates divorce.

Continue reading The Dreaded “D” Word →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, children, Christianity, church denial, conflict, disrespect, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, God's faithfulness, hypocrisy, leaving an abuser, marriage, religion, shame, trauma, wisdom

Wisdom in the Counsel of Many?

6 Comments

“Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.”  Proverbs 15:22

We know there is wisdom in the counsel of many.  Even in the midst of overwhelming heartache and confusion, we may have some vague idea of what we want or need to do, but out of a sincere desire to do the right thing, we prefer to secure a measure of validation from others before we proceed.

Unfortunately, when dealing with an abusive spouse, some of our most well-meaning advisers may offer up various measures of godly-sounding legalism rather than the kind of balanced, practical support that the one living in the cross-hairs of an abuser desperately needs.

Continue reading Wisdom in the Counsel of Many? →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, church denial, conflict, denial, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, leaving an abuser, marriage, recovery, trauma

Trusting Your Instincts

5 Comments

If you have followed me for any period of time or read some of my articles, you may know that I encourage those in abusive relationships to trust their instincts, to listen to what their hearts – and the Spirit of God – are saying to them.  Please forgive what may be redundant for some of you, as I share an important message with those who may need it.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way the value of listening to that Voice above all others – even my own.  As a believer in Jesus and the living God who sent Him, I believe that our instincts are absolutely connected to the presence of the Spirit moving in our lives.  Yet how often do we choose to diminish, ignore or override what we sense to be right or wrong?  The issue is whether we are willing to live our lives without apology in the light of an uncomfortable truth or choose instead to defer – even with the best of intentions – to other, lesser voices.

Continue reading Trusting Your Instincts →