Tag Archives: conflict

abuse, biblical divorce, hypocrisy, leaving an abuser, manipulation, marriage, reconciliation, religion, truth, wisdom

“I Promise It Will Never Happen Again”

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“It will never happen again…”

How many of us as abuse survivors have heard those words?  In my experience, it seems to be a pretty high percentage.

After all of the torment, the name-calling and crazy-making conversations, maybe you’ve finally decided that you just can’t live that way anymore.  So, you pack your bags and walk out, swearing that you will never see that heartless man** again.

A few days or weeks pass, and you find the courage to convey to your estranged spouse that it’s over.  You’re not playing the crazy game for one more day.  But suddenly you receive a message on your phone or a big bouquet of flowers arrives with a fancy card tucked inside. Your abuser passionately conveys a message that goes something like this:

“I realize what a fool I’ve been and how much I love you and need you in my life, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy.  I know I’ve made my share of mistakes, and I want you to know that I will do whatever it takes to re-earn your love and trust.  I feel terrible knowing that I have hurt you deeply, but I promise you it will never happen again. I will never love anyone as much as I love you, and I can’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else.  So just know that I will never give up on us, and I hope you will give me another chance to show you how wonderful our life together can be.”

Continue reading “I Promise It Will Never Happen Again” →

abuse, belief system, betrayal, biblical divorce, conflict, confusion, controlling abuse, cruelty, divorce, emotional abuse, faith, fear, humiliation, hypocrisy, judgment, marriage, perfectionism, shame, trauma

He Really Believes…

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In my conversations with abuse victims, the above phrase is something I can typically expect to hear.

It begins with “He* really believes…” and ends with:

…his way is the right way.

…I’m the one with the problem.

…I don’t understand him.

…I should just trust him.

…he is justified in treating me the way he does.

…I’m a lousy wife.

Does he really believe those things?  If he does, then to my way of thinking, there are only two options.  Either: 1) he is painfully delusional, or 2) he is doing everything in his power to convince you that he believes those things of you.

Why would he do that?

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abuse, belief system, betrayal, Christianity, emotional abuse, faith, family dysfunction, hypocrisy, love, perfectionism

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs?

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Natalie Hoffman of Flying Free has an exceptional ministry and offers a wealth of resources designed to help women in abusive relationships.  She recently invited me to do a podcast with her to discuss my new book[i] and the issue of Christian marriage counseling in general.

In the course of our conversation, we were tossing out some of the Scriptures that often tend to keep us bound to our abusers.  Among them was “Love… keeps no record of wrongs’…”  from I Corinthians 13:5 (NIV)

Natalie shared that, in her previous marriage, she would write down accounts of her husband’s abuses, but a day or two later, she would tear them up and throw them away as an exercise of faith by not “keeping a record of wrongs.”  I had the opportunity to briefly explain that our English translations of this verse are painfully inaccurate, and there are times when a literal translation must take precedence to see a more accurate meaning – and the heart of God.

Continue reading Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs? →

abuse, belief system, betrayal, Christianity, conflict, controlling abuse, cruelty, denial, disrespect, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, family dysfunction, fear, leaving an abuser, manipulation, neglect, truth, unsafe home

“I’ve Changed”

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“I’ve changed.”

Such are the easy words of an abuser.

It may feel good to hear them, and you want to believe them.  But what, if anything, has changed, and why?

Did your abuser confess the many, specific ways he* failed?  Did he admit to being a selfish, vindictive, manipulative micro-manager?  Did he concede that he wronged you in a thousand ways and humbly confess that he is horrified and grieved by the way he treated you and the cruel things he said to make you feel worthless?  Did he offer to separate to allow you room to grieve and heal while he works on the issues that he needs to address?

Or did he speak in vague generalities, rationalize his history, expect you to trust him and be patient with him on those occasions when he inadvertently fails again?  After all, you can’t expect perfection…

“I’ve changed” means he is not the person he was before.  There is no such thing as changing without changing.

Since time reveals truth, it probably won’t be long before you know whether he has actually changed – or not.  If he hasn’t, you are still living with an abuser, he is still abusing you, and it’s still wrong.

Words matter.  Or they should.

(*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)

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Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

abuse, betrayal, emotional abuse, family dysfunction, rejection

The Black Sheep

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“I am the black sheep in the family.”

How often have you heard those words? Perhaps you have spoken them.  Perhaps you have been saddled with an identity you did not seek, an identity that does not reflect who you really are.

Perhaps you know what it feels like to be the outcast, a misfit, a thorn in the side of those whose norms and expectations strangely – and even irrationally – clash with your own.  It is an extremely painful yet common reality for many. Continue reading The Black Sheep →