In my conversations with abuse victims, as I listen to them while they peel away layer after layer of marital heartbreak, there may come a point when I find myself engaged in an internal wrestling match, when I am thoroughly convinced that I need to use the dreaded “D” word, but I wonder: Is it okay for me to say it?
Tag Archives: divorce
Selfish Giving
I was meeting up with my then-estranged husband at a local book store to transfer our son, Kyle, into his care so the two of them could spend the day together. Meandering through the aisles while awaiting his arrival, the man suddenly approached me with a basket of chocolate-covered strawberries in one hand and a big smile on his face.
Rather than feeling touched in any way, I felt kind of sick, but not knowing how to respond in the moment, I simply accepted the berries with gratitude. The man then tried to enter into small talk with me and ended by asking me if I would like to go out for lunch or coffee sometime. “No,” came the easy response, in spite of the gift I held in my hands and the fact that our son was observing the entire exchange. After a couple more awkward minutes, the man and our eldest son finally headed out the door.
That evening, my then-husband called again and tried to talk me into spending time with him. Not a chance. After calmly shutting him down from every angle, I closed with, “But thank you for the strawberries.”
“Whatever,” came his sarcastic reply, and immediately I thought to myself, “There it is.” I knew those blasted berries came with strings attached – some kind of obligation that I refused to accommodate. His plan had failed.
Since those days, I have heard and read similar stories and have known that this type of scenario represents a typical abuser strategy, but I didn’t know it had a name: Selfish giving.*
Selfish giving has the appearance of selflessness, generosity or genuine care, but when you’re in an abusive relationship, it is almost exclusively another form of self-serving manipulation. Selfish giving imposes an awkward pressure on the abuser’s victim to convey appreciation and – he hopes – an obligation to forgive any and all previous offenses and re-establish some degree of intimacy based on the perception of good will.
Selfish giving is simply another form of crazy-making designed to force you to let your guard down. Any failure to respond according to the abuser’s anticipated expectations gives him ammunition to paint you as selfish, unfeeling and ungrateful.
Unfortunately, gifts are the abuser’s cheap, easy substitute for legitimate repentance and change. But note…
- A truly changed man is willing to identify and apologize for specific things he has done to hurt you;
- A truly changed man recognizes that he alone is responsible for the changes he needs to make in his life;
- A truly changed man will respect your boundaries and your need for time and distance to heal; and
- A truly changed man is willing to acknowledge that his abusive history may have harmed the relationship beyond repair.
On the other hand, the unrepentant abuser believes a heart-warming gift will give the impression of genuine devotion and inspire renewed trust. The abuser’s motives do not reflect genuine goodness but rather pure, unadulterated selfishness.
So know that you don’t have to participate in his game.
I know it may feel strange to refuse his gifts, offers of help or other seemingly selfless gestures, but when you do, you are refusing to give him access to your life or your heart and depriving him of the power he seeks. You are setting an important boundary and letting him know that you will not risk jeopardizing your safety, peace and contentment for anyone – or anything.
“Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.” Proverbs 22:5
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For more on this subject, you might want to check out “Lessons In Crazy-Making.”
*The dynamic was referenced by a commenter on another blog.
Abusers may be of either gender; however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male. For the sake of simplicity, the abuser is referenced here in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved
Wisdom in the Counsel of Many?
“Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22
We know there is wisdom in the counsel of many. Even in the midst of overwhelming heartache and confusion, we may have some vague idea of what we want or need to do, but out of a sincere desire to do the right thing, we prefer to secure a measure of validation from others before we proceed.
Unfortunately, when dealing with an abusive spouse, some of our most well-meaning advisers may offer up various measures of godly-sounding legalism rather than the kind of balanced, practical support that the one living in the cross-hairs of an abuser desperately needs.
Trusting Your Instincts
If you have followed me for any period of time or read some of my articles, you may know that I encourage those in abusive relationships to trust their instincts, to listen to what their hearts – and the Spirit of God – are saying to them. Please forgive what may be redundant for some of you, as I share an important message with those who may need it.
Unfortunately, I learned the hard way the value of listening to that Voice above all others – even my own. As a believer in Jesus and the living God who sent Him, I believe that our instincts are absolutely connected to the presence of the Spirit moving in our lives. Yet how often do we choose to diminish, ignore or override what we sense to be right or wrong? The issue is whether we are willing to live our lives without apology in the light of an uncomfortable truth or choose instead to defer – even with the best of intentions – to other, lesser voices.
Trying to Communicate with an Abuser
“It’s like he can’t hear me.”
“He makes me feel like I’m crazy.”
“When I try to talk to him, he treats me like I’m his enemy.”
These are some of the things abuse victims might say when they share with me how they try to communicate with their abuser*.
I want those of you who can empathize with those sentiments to understand that there is no real misunderstanding. The man hears you, he wants you to feel crazy, and it’s not surprising that he is treating you like you are his enemy, because that’s pretty much the way he sees you.
Healthy communication and conflict is part of any relationship, and all of our communication should begin with a recognition of our many differences coupled with a desire to find compromise and meet one another’s needs.
But abusers are not interested in reason or resolution. Even though you may approach him in a moment of calm and everything you say may make perfect sense, the truth is that he is not the least bit interested in what you have to say. Furthermore, the fact that you have to find just the right moment to talk to him may be evidence of just how risky trying to communicate with him really is…
As you are speaking – trying to find just the right words to keep him from attacking you – know that he is probably strategizing as to how he can twist your words and turn them back on you. Expect any comeback to be irrational or unnecessarily harsh, coupled with a how-dare-you, who-do-you-think-you-are kind of attitude.
The truth is that he views your attempt at finding compromise as a design to undermine him. In his mind, you are trying to claim for yourself some measure of power he holds – power he has no intention of relinquishing.
His over-the-top response speaks to his agenda. He wants you to become so frustrated that you will simply give up and leave him alone. He also wants to make sure you understand that any future efforts to petition for help or positive change will be met with similar ferocity.
He is neither ignorant nor innocent. He doesn’t care if your requests are legitimate or if you are hurting. He only cares about his absolute right to have his way in everything all the time.
When it comes to communicating with an abuser, you really can’t. He only hears what he wants to hear and will vigorously reject everything else. That doesn’t make him right. It just means that you are seeing who he really is.
It’s not your fault. It’s that his mind is set. As difficult as it may be to accept, you need to understand that it’s not that he doesn’t know how to communicate; it’s that he is actually a master communicator when it comes to knowing how to shut you down, shut you out and shut you up.
No matter how badly you want to find a way to make it work, communication requires two people willing to listen to one another, while the abusive relationship is, in fact, a dictatorship.
“Rescue me, O Lord, from evil men; preserve me from violent men who devise evil things in their hearts… they sharpen their tongues as a serpent; poison of a viper is under their lips.” Psalm 140:1-3 (in part)
*Although abusers may be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved
Cindy Burrell