Learn about divorce from the experience of a christian abuse victim and survivor.
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A Redemptive Look at Three of the Most Commonly Misappropriated Scriptures on the Subject of Divorce (Part II)
It is well past time to acknowledge the measure the harm that has been done as a result of the consistent failure of those in authority to recognize God’s intent as it relates to the application of biblical doctrine on the subject of divorce. In Part I, we examined the well-used “God hates divorce,” decree, a formidable trump card often thrown down by the legalists. Exercising a minimal degree of common sense, it is obvious that the warning Malachi penned at God’s direction was a direct response to the selfish acts of disobedient men and had nothing to do with biblical divorce.
But what about Jesus’ teachings on the subject? On most accounts, what we have been taught is that God commands that no one tear apart the one-flesh union created by marriage, and that those who are compelled to divorce surely suffer from a hardened heart. I accepted those teachings at face value for many, many years. Dear reader, if you are struggling with these same issues, I believe you will find the truth and freedom you seek when you understand the story behind the story and grasp our Lord’s pronouncements in their fullness.
A Redemptive Look at Three of the Most Commonly Misappropriated Scriptures on the Subject of Divorce (Part I)
“The Traditional Church Script” is how I have come to refer to the legalists’ dogmatic and unbiblical mantra to oppose biblical divorce and keep abuse victims bound in ungodly marriages. On Christian websites and in countless books authored by well-known authors we often find a virtually identical refrain. The writers lay down the law and contend that the issue has been settled and no further discussion is worth consideration. The legalist dogma essentially declares: God hates divorce; adultery is the only biblical cause for divorce (with abandonment a possible second); divorce for any other purpose is a sin and constitutes adultery; and remarriage constitutes adultery unless the re-marrying partner was divorced from an adulterous spouse.
Having discovered many reputable experts with an opposing and completely defensible perspective, I’ll admit my frustration that so many mainstream Bible teachers are unwilling to reconsider. I also find it surprising that prominent men and women in authority and in the ministry seem to have taken so little time to more thoroughly examine God’s intent on a subject of such profound importance.
The Great Constrainer
The conversation with my counselor went something like this:
“I feel like I’m chasing after him. It’s like I’m trying to convince him that I’m worth loving.”
“What do you think will happen if you stop?”
“I’ll lose him.”
“Stop anyway.”
God knows I did my best to keep my husband from walking away from me, his children, his home. I cannot count the nights I had lain awake crafting to perfection the words I might use to help him see that his choices and behavior were tearing up our marriage and our family. Or the number of times I confronted him with hurtful evidence of moral failures that were chipping away at the foundation of marital trust.
Acceptance: The Greatest Gift
I’ll confess I have no idea what day of the week it was, or even the time of year. But I remember the incident with absolute clarity – a day that had the most profound impact on my life.
Doug and I had been married for a year, maybe two, and he was well-acquainted with all of my idiosyncrasies and soft spots. Although many areas of my broken heart had mended, all the years of trying to please a man who could not be pleased had manifested itself in an unbalanced, never-ending pursuit of personal perfection. Wherever I went, whatever I did, I was constantly looking for ways to improve myself, to stay out of trouble, to get it right. I sought to conceal every blemish, while simultaneously chastising myself for each and every insufficiency and then committing to do better.
Even my preferred escape from a day’s stresses was a long soak in a soothing bubble-bath. Yes, my sweet respite represented a few more minutes in which I might add to my self-improvement duties, a little time spent filling my heart with the stories of incredible people with impressive testimonies. I would soak up tales of inspiration and feed my spirit on each and every devotional. I wanted to be the best me I could be, to know that my life had value and purpose. But in my heart, I believed that I would never ever be good enough.