In my conversations with abuse victims, as I listen to them while they peel away layer after layer of marital heartbreak, there may come a point when I find myself engaged in an internal wrestling match, when I am thoroughly convinced that I need to use the dreaded “D” word, but I wonder: Is it okay for me to say it?
Tag Archives: Marriage
“I’ve Changed”
“I’ve changed.”
Such are the easy words of an abuser.
It may feel good to hear them, and you want to believe them. But what, if anything, has changed, and why?
Did your abuser confess the many, specific ways he* failed? Did he admit to being a selfish, vindictive, manipulative micro-manager? Did he concede that he wronged you in a thousand ways and humbly confess that he is horrified and grieved by the way he treated you and the cruel things he said to make you feel worthless? Did he offer to separate to allow you room to grieve and heal while he works on the issues that he needs to address?
Or did he speak in vague generalities, rationalize his history, expect you to trust him and be patient with him on those occasions when he inadvertently fails again? After all, you can’t expect perfection…
“I’ve changed” means he is not the person he was before. There is no such thing as changing without changing.
Since time reveals truth, it probably won’t be long before you know whether he has actually changed – or not. If he hasn’t, you are still living with an abuser, he is still abusing you, and it’s still wrong.
Words matter. Or they should.
(*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)
Copyright 2020, All Rights Reserved
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Two Lifetimes
Sometimes it feels as though I have lived two profoundly different lifetimes.
Many years ago, I lived as one unloved, unseen and unappreciated, fearful and confused, trying to please someone who would not be pleased. Loneliness hung heavy over me. The wounds were deep, and the pain was crippling.
But, the day came when God set me free, and He began to whisper to me, reminding me of who I am – and whose I am. The truth is that He had been trying to speak to me for a long time, but I wasn’t listening. My pride was in the way.
I finally left that ungodly life behind. It was not an easy journey to find freedom and peace, but it was well worth the effort. And in time a new life with a new love began. Rather than feeling inadequate or fearful, I am adored and appreciated. I am not viewed as a pest, but as a priority. My husband is my protector, my provider, and my best friend.
I remember well that old, dark life, but now it feels like another lifetime.
It was.
If you sense God calling you out of the darkness and into His marvelous light, listen. It may be that He has a whole new life out there waiting for you, too.
“…hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption.” Psalm 130:7
But I Still Love Him
“But I still love him.”
Maybe you have said those words at one time or another. Even in the midst of the craziness, you have chosen to set aside your pain, wipe your tears and fervently proclaim in spite of everything he has said and done, “But I still love him.”
The words seem to stand alone, however “but” is a conjunction that connects and contrasts the first part of a sentence with the second. With this in mind, let’s consider what a complete sentence might sound like.
“He is controlling, mean and unpredictable… but I still love him.”
“He blames me for everything… but I still love him.”
“I feel lost, lonely and confused… but I still love him.”
“But I still love him…” They are words that connect real pain with patient optimism – generous measures of hope, devotion, determination and – let’s be honest – at least a small measure of denial.
If you were to set aside every excuse and rationale and be completely honest, how would you describe the man with whom you are sharing your life? Is he approachable, accepting and affectionate, kind, gracious and generous? Is he intrinsically safe? Or does he tend to be selfish, quick-tempered, controlling, manipulative and demanding?
The next question is: Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you fell in love with – the man you believe he could be?
Every victim whom I have ever asked that question has solemnly confessed that she loves the man she fell in love with, a man who seems to have mysteriously vanished and been replaced by a man she barely recognizes. Some who are willing to concede that he is failing as a husband at the moment prefer to hold to a more generous and optimistic perspective by adding, “But, he can also be charming and funny and affectionate. Sometimes I see that side of him, and that is the man I love.”
I understand completely. It is that occasional sighting of Dr. Jekyll* that convinces you that you can surely find a way to put up with Mr. Hyde until the good man you infrequently catch a glimpse of returns once and for all. Some women have held tightly to that hope for 30 or 40 years or more to finally discover that the man they loved lived only in their imagination. So I simply pray that God will help you discern the kind of man he really is one way or the other.
Dear reader, this is your life and your dilemma, and my desire is to simply to give you permission to be honest with yourself. I know it’s scary, because the truth may not be easy to accept or address.
Nevertheless, I will pose it to you once again: Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you believe he could be, but isn’t?
“[Love] does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth.” I Cor. 13:6
* The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson, (1886)
Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Selfish Giving
I was meeting up with my then-estranged husband at a local book store to transfer our son, Kyle, into his care so the two of them could spend the day together. Meandering through the aisles while awaiting his arrival, the man suddenly approached me with a basket of chocolate-covered strawberries in one hand and a big smile on his face.
Rather than feeling touched in any way, I felt kind of sick, but not knowing how to respond in the moment, I simply accepted the berries with gratitude. The man then tried to enter into small talk with me and ended by asking me if I would like to go out for lunch or coffee sometime. “No,” came the easy response, in spite of the gift I held in my hands and the fact that our son was observing the entire exchange. After a couple more awkward minutes, the man and our eldest son finally headed out the door.
That evening, my then-husband called again and tried to talk me into spending time with him. Not a chance. After calmly shutting him down from every angle, I closed with, “But thank you for the strawberries.”
“Whatever,” came his sarcastic reply, and immediately I thought to myself, “There it is.” I knew those blasted berries came with strings attached – some kind of obligation that I refused to accommodate. His plan had failed.
Since those days, I have heard and read similar stories and have known that this type of scenario represents a typical abuser strategy, but I didn’t know it had a name: Selfish giving.*
Selfish giving has the appearance of selflessness, generosity or genuine care, but when you’re in an abusive relationship, it is almost exclusively another form of self-serving manipulation. Selfish giving imposes an awkward pressure on the abuser’s victim to convey appreciation and – he hopes – an obligation to forgive any and all previous offenses and re-establish some degree of intimacy based on the perception of good will.
Selfish giving is simply another form of crazy-making designed to force you to let your guard down. Any failure to respond according to the abuser’s anticipated expectations gives him ammunition to paint you as selfish, unfeeling and ungrateful.
Unfortunately, gifts are the abuser’s cheap, easy substitute for legitimate repentance and change. But note…
- A truly changed man is willing to identify and apologize for specific things he has done to hurt you;
- A truly changed man recognizes that he alone is responsible for the changes he needs to make in his life;
- A truly changed man will respect your boundaries and your need for time and distance to heal; and
- A truly changed man is willing to acknowledge that his abusive history may have harmed the relationship beyond repair.
On the other hand, the unrepentant abuser believes a heart-warming gift will give the impression of genuine devotion and inspire renewed trust. The abuser’s motives do not reflect genuine goodness but rather pure, unadulterated selfishness.
So know that you don’t have to participate in his game.
I know it may feel strange to refuse his gifts, offers of help or other seemingly selfless gestures, but when you do, you are refusing to give him access to your life or your heart and depriving him of the power he seeks. You are setting an important boundary and letting him know that you will not risk jeopardizing your safety, peace and contentment for anyone – or anything.
“Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.” Proverbs 22:5
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For more on this subject, you might want to check out “Lessons In Crazy-Making.”
*The dynamic was referenced by a commenter on another blog.
Abusers may be of either gender; however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male. For the sake of simplicity, the abuser is referenced here in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved