Tag Archives: Marriage

abuse, conflict, divorce, faith, manipulation, marriage, recovery, religion

Checklist Blackmail

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The questionnaire

No list holds the power to change a person’s heart.

It finally arrives – the heartbreaking yet liberating moment when you simply cannot live the lie for one more minute.   The loneliness, shame and exhaustion can no longer be rationalized or minimized.  There is nothing left to sort out or piece together or hope for, and you finally break through the wall of dysfunction you had foolishly accepted as normal.  And you leave.

As the first days pass, you find yourself moving tenuously through the haze of disillusionment and exhaustion and catching a glimpse of clear sky, relishing every breath of free air and then falling into bed at night in peace.  If you are lucky, in the abuser’s absence, the numbness of soul to which you have become accustomed gives way, and you find yourself savoring the joys of a few days, hours or minutes free of constant fear and confusion. Continue reading Checklist Blackmail →

abuse, marriage

The Unreachable

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unreachable“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  Anais Nin

 

In my years in this ministry, I have found that there are some people who seem to be reaching out for help and insight and healing.  But, after many months – even years – many who profess to want help refuse to receive it.  For whatever reason, they either cannot or will not relinquish their tragic identity as an abuse victim to embrace the promising future that lies before them.  These people seem quite stuck, perpetually unreachable.

Initially upon leaving an abusive relationship it makes perfect sense to share the many secrets that have been kept, to receive healthy measures of validation and comfort and direction. Sadly, the unreachable have a difficult time getting beyond that stage.  They are continually undone, interminably possessed by their disturbing memories.  They can recount their tragic stories forwards and backwards, inside out, upside down and sideways.  Even many years after being removed from their suffering, their anguish fairly pours out of them with the slightest nudge.  It is heart-breaking – a seemingly impossible scenario.  The unreachable ones’ identity is wrapped so tightly around their history that they seem to have become resigned to their identity as victim. Continue reading The Unreachable →

abuse, divorce, marriage, religion, Uncategorized

Isolation: Another Weapon in the Abuser’s Arsenal

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isolationA few years ago, I received an e-mail from the sister of an abuse victim. The writer’s abusive brother-in-law had instigated hostilities between himself  and her family. At one point, he threatened to seek a restraining order against his in-laws, and communication between them had ceased.   As a result of this craziness, the victim’s family was strongly considering relinquishing the poor woman to her chosen fate based on their belief that she was either apathetic or condoned the abuser’s behaviors.

The victim’s sister contacted me in an effort to better understand why her sister would accept these happenings. She provided some background and then posed these questions to me:

“When you were in your abusive relationship – were you cruel also? This has been going on for two years. I’m starting not to care about her – she’s a faint memory and the pain they have both caused – well her own parents are shut down and done. If you shut off family – did they take you back?” Continue reading Isolation: Another Weapon in the Abuser’s Arsenal →

abuse, divorce, marriage, religion

The Heart’s Sweet Lie

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everything will be alright_multiples“The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?”  Jeremiah 17:9

I tromped downstairs in my usual stupor one weekday morning to brew a fresh pot of coffee before heading to work and found our black Labrador, Belle, at the foot of the stairs, wagging her tail enthusiastically and prancing about in anticipation of her breakfast.  On most days, one of the kids beats me to the task, yet Belle has learned that if she puts on a good show, she might succeed in convincing me or any other unsuspecting family member who ventures downstairs later in the morning that she is famished.  Our clever dog has often enjoyed a second meal before one of us realizes that we have been duped by her well-rehearsed antics. Continue reading The Heart’s Sweet Lie →

abuse, children, conflict, divorce, faith, manipulation, marriage, motherhood, recovery, religion

Seven Long Years

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“Time, whose tooth gnaws away at everything else, is powerless against truth.” – Thomas Huxley

The above quote has become one of my favorites because I am certain that, in the end, the truth will be revealed.  I also know that some lies are served up so consistently and convincingly that it can be difficult to see what is true through the thick fog of deception, and there is no way of knowing how much time may pass before the truth is clearly visible.  It was for seven long years that such a fog succeeded in alienating my son from me.

My story is not uncommon.  I know many parents who have either lost – or fear losing – their children to a lie, and it is for this reason I have chosen to share this story.

After separating from my abusive husband, it was not long before he went on the offensive.  He began to offer up a fictitious history about our marriage, to plant seeds of doubt about my character, my commitment and my faith in the minds of those willing to listen.  He also used the time he spent with our four children to attempt to undermine my credibility in their young eyes. Though he urged secrecy from them, they would sometimes hesitantly pose questions to me regarding damning falsehoods their father had shared about me. The woman he described to our kids was someone I did not know, and there were occasions when I was put in the awkward position of having to correct our kids’ understanding.  It was heartbreaking to know that our kids had been put into a position where they had to choose whom or what to believe.  For the most part, I felt confident that the significant contrast between our former home life and the new life we had come to appreciate was evidence enough. Continue reading Seven Long Years →