Tag Archives: Psychological abuse

abuse, marriage

The Great Constrainer

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The conversation with my counselor went something like this:

“I feel like I’m chasing after him. It’s like I’m trying to convince him that I’m worth loving.”

“What do you think will happen if you stop?”

“I’ll lose him.”

“Stop anyway.”

God knows I did my best to keep my husband from walking away from me, his children, his home. I cannot count the nights I had lain awake crafting to perfection the words I might use to help him see that his choices and behavior were tearing up our marriage and our family. Or the number of times I confronted him with hurtful evidence of moral failures that were chipping away at the foundation of marital trust.

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abuse, divorce, motherhood

What About The Children?

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“It is better to be from a broken home than to live in one.”

I wish I knew the name of the pastor I heard on the radio who offered up that stunning statement. I’ll admit my surprise knowing it was a pastor who said it. I remember smiling to  myself and exclaiming aloud, “Thank you.” For what he shared is something rarely heard.

For an abuse victim who dares to reveal to her friends and family members her inclination to leave her abuser, she often hears something quite different than what the pastor asserted. She will more likely hear, “What about the children?”

There it is: an emotional trump card, a ticking time bomb. Any convictions about escaping the emotional harm she and her children might face on a daily basis are at once upended and she finds herself catapulted into visions of an unavoidably disastrous future. Could it be that perhaps separating from the abuser will only make things worse? Is it true that a child is better off in an abusive household where both parents are present than in a broken home?

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abuse

Leaving An Abuser: What to Expect and How to Stay Grounded

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Abusers are extremely predictable. In my experience as a survivor and now through encounters with other abuse victims and survivors, it is apparent that the abuser’s response to separation from his or her enabler-victim taps into a collection of tactics that is shockingly consistent. So, in the event that you have separated or are considering leaving an abusive relationship, it might be helpful to get a small taste of some of the things you can expect, together with a few recommendations on how to stay grounded. Of course, these are generalities. It is impossible to predict what every abuser will do, but the pattern is often very much the same.

Upon separating from an abuser, you can expect him to:

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abuse, children, conflict, divorce, faith, manipulation, marriage, recovery, religion

Understanding the Difference Between Compliance and Change

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Can the abuser change? The short answer: Yes.

Anyone can change. It’s a matter of desire, will and motive. Healthy people are generally desirous of change when they genuinely care about how their actions affect others and will accept an opportunity to contribute to their relationships in a meaningful way.

Does the abuser really want to change? In most cases, the short answer is “No.”

Abusers don’t care if you’re happy; they care if they’re happy. Their control is far more important than your happiness. Therefore, on the occasion where his enabler-victim identifies an area of dissatisfaction or conflict in the relationship, the abuser will quickly attempt to squelch any discontent through verbal jeopardizing, diminishment or yelling.

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Abuse: Exploiting the Feminine Heart

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In the must-read book, “Captivating,” co-authored with her husband (John Eldredge, the well-known author of “Wild at Heart”), Stasi Eldredge lays bare the deepest cries of a woman’s heart. Mrs. Eldredge betrays with painful vulnerability and sensitivity all of womanhood’s ever-pervasive yearning. A woman wants to know: Do you see me? Am I lovely?

Every young girl and woman longs to be known, to be seen. Her spirit dares to assent to the understanding that she is uniquely wondrous and worthy of love and affection. Her deepest desire and greatest joy is to have that truth affirmed in her life, particularly by a man – first her father and then her mate. We come alive with the telling of a sweet love story and hope that one day we might be at the center of one.

In fact, being convinced that I am not alone in my fantasies, I confess my belief in what might be called fairy-tale love, even a “prince,” an honorable man who singles me out above all other women – his “princess.” He sees me as intrinsically beautiful and special, worthy of pursuit and protection. He hears not just the words that leave my lips, but those that emanate from my heart. He wants me to know that I am loved and for me to feel secure, content and satisfied. He prizes me. He sees me.

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