Tag Archives: Verbal abuse

abuse, belief system, Christianity, conflict, confusion, controlling abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, fear, God's faithfulness, hostility, hypocrisy, manipulation, marriage, recovery, religion, shame

The Power of Words

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“Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made.”  Genesis 3:1aserpent

The word “crafty” used in Genesis 3 describes the serpent that came to the garden.  The word has also been interpreted to read “subtle,” “clever,” “cunning” or “shrewd.”  The description clearly implies that this particular being’s intellect alone posed some kind of a threat. Continue reading The Power of Words →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, church denial, disbelief, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, hostility, hypocrisy, Jesus, manipulation, marriage, physical abuse, recovery, religion, shame

The See-No-Evil Disconnect: Abandoning Victims to Protect the Status Quo

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“He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both of them alike are an abomination to the Lord.”  Proverbs 17:15

see no evil

It happens all the time.  A victim of abuse finds the courage to step out of the shadows of her shame and fear to reveal the truth about what has happened to her.  The trauma she has endured may be a result of molestation or rape, physical abuse, and/or verbal or emotional abuse.  She wants to believe that, once she shares her terrible secret, the people to whom she reaches out will hear her, validate her and comfort her.  But as horrible and shocking as it may seem, she may not receive what she needs.  For reasons that defy logic, many may rise to defend her perpetrator, and she may instead find herself shamed and shunned and even persecuted.  Such is the absurdity of the See-No-Evil Disconnect.     Continue reading The See-No-Evil Disconnect: Abandoning Victims to Protect the Status Quo →

abuse, belief system, Christianity, conflict, confusion, disbelief, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, fear, manipulation, marriage, misunderstood, perfectionism, recovery, shame, terror, unsafe home

Three Words Every Abuse Victim Needs to Hear

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It is a strange thing to invest so much energy into convincing yourselfsad2 that your relationship is normal only to one day be jolted by the reality that there is nothing normal about it, to be forced to admit that your relationship is patently unhealthy, destructive, and yes, abusive. Continue reading Three Words Every Abuse Victim Needs to Hear →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, conflict, confusion, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, fear, hostility, hypocrisy, manipulation, religion, shame, terror

101 Things an Abuser Might Say

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“Love…is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its intimidationown…”

I Corinthians 13:4-5 (in part)

The abuser claims to care, but it is not love that motivates him.  His end-game is to assume total domination and control over his victim, to coerce his bride into accommodating his egocentric agenda and surrendering to his all-encompassing will. To accomplish his purpose, he has at the ready an arsenal of verbal strategies and cues designed to invoke a predetermined response in his victim.  His design is to dismiss, disarm, distract, confound and ultimately intimidate his victim into forfeiting her person-hood and assuming a role as his powerless possession.

Bearing these things in mind, here are 101 things you might hear an abuser say.

 Name-Calling:

  1. You’re a nag.
  2. You’re a witch.
  3. You’re a whore.
  4. You’re a liar.
  5. You’re a loser.

Put-Downs:

  1. You’re fat.
  2. You’re ugly.
  3. You’re stupid.
  4. You’re lazy.
  5. You’re selfish.
  6. You’re crazy.
  7. You’re sick.
  8. You’re deluded.
  9. You’re psychotic.
  10. You’re worthless.
  11. You’re pathetic.
  12. You’re a horrible wife.
  13. You disgust me.

Shut-Downs:

  1. Shut up
  2. Leave me alone.
  3. Go away.
  4. I don’t care.
  5. Stop wasting my time.
  6. Don’t even think about it.
  7. You don’t want to go there.
  8. If you don’t like it, you can leave.

Crazy-making/Lying:

  1. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
  2. Whatever gave you that idea?
  3. I never said that.
  4. Don’t be ridiculous.
  5. You never make any sense.
  6. You are always exaggerating.
  7. Everyone agrees with me.
  8. You’re wrong, and that’s all there is to it.

Blame/Shame

  1. How dare you.
  2. You should be ashamed of yourself.
  3. This is all your fault.
  4. Who do you think you are?
  5. You got what you deserved.
  6. You don’t know how good you have it.
  7. I don’t need you; you need me.
  8. After all I have done for you; this is the thanks I get.
  9. You should be apologizing to me.

Diminishment:

You just need to be more…

  1. …forgiving;
  2. …patient;
  3. …unselfish;
  4. …understanding;
  5. …submissive;
  6. …gentle;
  7. …quiet;
  8. …respectful
  9. …sensual.
  10. I said I’m sorry.
  11. It’s not that big of a deal.
  12. You need to get over it.
  13. You’re always overreacting.
  14. You’re overly sensitive.
  15. All you do is complain.
  16. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
  17. What more do you want from me?
  18. You can’t take a joke.
  19. You expect too much.
  20. You are never satisfied.
  21. You’re not perfect.
  22. You just need to trust me.

Control:

  1. I make the decisions around here.
  2. I don’t care if you made plans; I just changed them.
  3. This conversation is over.
  4. Stop talking.
  5. Just do as I say.
  6. There is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind.
  7. Don’t ever bring it up again.

I’m telling you right now, you’re not going to…

  1. …get your degree;
  2. …get a job;
  3.  …make me look bad;
  4. …leave me with the kids;
  5. …spend time with your friends;
  6. …spend time with your family;
  7. …have people over to the house;
  8. …go anywhere without my permission.

I never said you could spend money on…

  1. …household repairs;
  2. …social outings;
  3. …clothing or personal needs;
  4. …medical attention;
  5. And by the way, we’re moving away.

Threats:

  1. You have no idea what I am capable of.
  2. You wouldn’t want anything to happen to the children.

If you ever decide to leave me…

  1. …you’ll be sorry;
  2. …I will make your life a living hell;
  3. … you won’t get a dime from me;
  4. …someone’s going to get hurt;
  5. …you will never see your kids again;
  6. …no one else will ever want you.
  7. …no one will ever find you.

Faith-based exploitation:

  1. I am the head of this house.
  2. You must submit to me.
  3. Your body belongs to me.
  4. If you divorce me, I will make sure everyone knows you’re the one who gave up on our marriage.
  5. I have already talked to our pastor, and he’s on my side.

Insanity:

  1. You know I love you.
  2. I promise it will never happen again.

These  comments that correlate with an abuser mindset only scratch the surface of the array of verbal and non-verbal means an abuser will use to intimidate a bewildered victim.  Other tactics include raging, cursing, isolation, the silent treatment, posturing and physically blocking, glaring, terrorizing (throwing things, slamming doors, harming pets, etc.), destroying or selling personal property, material deprivation, neglect, financial hoarding, and sexual abuse.

If this pattern represents the kind of relationship in which you find yourself, I have given you 101 reasons to get out.

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abuse, biblical divorce, Christianity, conflict, confusion, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, hypocrisy, leaving an abuser, manipulation, reconciliation, religion

“I’m Trying”: Setting the Stage for Failure

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crossed fingersAfter separating from my abusive husband, I made it clear that I would not live with him unless and until his attitudes and behaviors changed dramatically.  After a couple of weeks of listening to him whine and complain about my unrealistic expectations, he suddenly entered Alcoholics Anonymous and seemingly found the will to turn his life around.

His overall demeanor took on a hue that appeared consistent with heartfelt repentance and a drastic change of character.  It seemed he had miraculously been awakened from his toxic stupor.  The nasty man was all at once the happy-go-lucky guy who forthrightly apologized to me and our kids for his hostile behaviors and failings.  Suddenly he wanted to play with our kids at the park and seemed more sensitive and respectful toward me.  He spoke in positive, glowing terms and seemed wholly committed to the follow-through to save our marriage and our family.  The man passionately assured me that our dark days were behind us. Continue reading “I’m Trying”: Setting the Stage for Failure →