My eldest daughter, Charla, recently wrote a paper for her college psychology class about depression and decided to share it with me. The subject of her paper was her younger brother, Brett, and what he suffered as a young boy in an abusive home. (You can read Charla’s account of her class presentation here.)
I feared that reading my daughter’s words about her brother would reach deep and unveil wounds in me that simply refuse to heal – and they did. As I read, I was once again compelled to revisit those dark days, and I began to weep to the point that I could scarcely make out the words on the page. Although her conclusion was positive and encouraging, I had a hard time receiving it. A decade after our escape, the guilt of remaining with that abusive man as long as I did haunts me still.
Seeing me in engulfed in my regret, my husband wrapped a loving arm around my shoulders and said to me, “Don’t do this to yourself. Despise the man.” In a response grounded in unbridled honesty, I lifted my head and half whispered, “And the church that kept me there.”
For it was not my abusive husband that held me captive in that poisonous, treacherous home. No, it was the church doctrine that I was determined to faithfully honor and follow to the letter. Knowledgeable people whom I respected assured me that if I was a godly wife, if I spent enough time on my knees and humbled myself and loved well that my husband would turn from his wicked ways, and our home and marriage would be healed. Yet, my faith and conviction empowered the man, for he knew I had been compelled to stay. The years passed, and my husband’s abuses became ever more atrocious.
As I read my daughter’s account, I was overwhelmed knowing that the brief summary of Brett’s history could never begin to capture the collective pain my four children and I endured over the course of so many years with the “blessing” of ignorant pastors and fellow believers. I know now that tolerating and even enabling the kind of blatant, unrepentant sin that degrades His most sacred institution breaks the heart of our great God. Yet, the ungodly dogma remains entrenched and is taught and pressed on the suffering.
How is it that I and others like me have been taught that divorce is a sin, but abuse is something to be borne? Why is “’til death do us part,” held up as an absolute while “love, honor and cherish” is relegated to an afterthought?
I cannot help but wonder how many hearts remain broken and unprotected, abandoned to the tortuous whims of a family member whose actions are deemed negligible – by those who do not live it. Those whose admonitions I accepted as truth are blissfully unaware of the painful aftermath their legalist doctrine sanctioned. In truth, my faith did not fail. It was simply misplaced.
Did the man strike me? Did he backhand our children? Yes, day after day after day, where the pain is gravest, but where the wounds were shielded from human eyes. To the church that demanded visible evidence, our wounds were – and are – sadly inconsequential.
Thankfully, now I know that God does not condone abuse of any kind. He loves righteousness. It is He who commands divine deliverance and calls upon us to bestow honor and justice in defense of the sanctity of marriage and family. That is why God provided divorce – to release those of us who have been utterly abandoned and betrayed. Yet few in the contemporary church will openly profess it.
I walk and rest in the One who released me. Nevertheless, I am viewed as the sinner, a second-class Christian in the eyes of a judging church, for it is I who formally severed the bonds of the marriage that had long before been torn asunder – from within. Even so, I have forgiven them – those who commended me for living a destitute, shameful life and condemned me when I found the courage to leave it. I know their words were spoken in ignorance, for who would dare to proclaim that my Savior is somehow powerless to save me?
So I will not remain silent while so many church leaders and lay-counselors continue to keep men, women and children living in homes where terror and heartache reign. That is not of God. If I find myself at odds with a church that obliges such cruelty, so be it. I would not wish for any to live with the kind of regret that I carry – because I foolishly heeded the voices of those who did not represent the One who loves me and set me free.
The wicked spies upon the righteous and seeks to kill him. The Lord will not leave him in his hand or let him be condemned when he is judged.
Psalm 37:32-33
copyright @ Cindy Burrell 2014
Another powerful post, Cindy. It made my heart rate increase and tears come to my eyes, as I could connect so much with what you wrote.
“Did the man strike me? Did he backhand our children? Yes, day after day after day, where the pain is gravest, but where the wounds were shielded from human eyes. To the church that demanded visible evidence, our wounds were – and are – sadly inconsequential.”
This paragraph along brought me back so many years ago when I too was questioned by the Christian community on whether there truly had been anything abusive about my marriage. Every time someone would ask me whether he had ever hit me or my boys, my stomach would tighten and the doubts would swirl even faster in my head as I wondered if perhaps I was making too big a deal over it.
I am putting a link to your post on my blog. I hope that is okay.
Blessings to you for speaking out about something so often swept under the rug and dismissed within the Church.
Hello, Amy.
Thank you for your kind note and for sharing a little of your own heart.
I thank you also for re-posting the blog on your own. I hope to keep in touch on these things. Networking is always a good thing. 🙂
All the best,
Cindy
Shame to “keep my vows” and “obey my husband”….THIS is why I stayed for 25 years and my ex still manipulates and mentally abuses my GROWN children. :'( I really resent ‘religion’ for this.
As I am sure you know, Melissa, religion does not equate to relationship. I think you might like to read a post I wrote a while back entitled, “I Know How the Blind Man Felt.” Let me know if you can’t find it. I’d post a link, but I’ve got to get to work…
I’m glad to hear from you. Feel free to keep in touch or let me know if I can direct you to other helpful resources.
Cindy
Cindy, I can so empathize with this. I had a similar experience with my church. I asked them for help when my husband’s abuse became unbearable to me. They called him a few times. When he asked them to stop, they did! YIKES! Of course he wanted them to stop! A year later, when I finally got a restraining order, he called them and complained that I “had a non-Christian lawyer.” Then, they went into full gear, trying to encourage me to “repair” the marriage. Wow. After I took 1000 pages of journals and spent 2 hours outlining what life had been like to my pastor and elders, they sent me a formal letter. It said that I should “date” my husband, look at myself, and work towards “reconciliation.” If I was unwilling to do this, I should step down from my leadership positions in the church. Needless to say…I found a different church.
There is a praise here though. Before I left, my pastor and I were able to repair OUR relationship. For that I am thankful to Jesus.
Hello, Caroline.
“Wow” is right. I am continually amazed at the insanity that reigns in churches – where they defend the abuser and, consequently, the abuse. I am glad you saw through it and that you have found another church that, I trust, is supportive of you.
Your testimony says a lot about what abuse victims can be up against, not only with abuser, but with the church. This culture must give way to God’s truth. I have to believe it’s possible.
Thank you for taking the time to share.
Cindy
Hi Cindy,
I can relate so intimately with everything you’ve written here. I took 3 years of quite sadistic emotional abuse from my husband and extreme control measures even from his adolescent and teenage children. He ruthlessly ripped open deep wounds by exploiting vulnerabilities I’d trusted him with – and he did it over and over in order to make sure I had no say in the running of the household or the finances. It meant putting up with atrocious circumstances in the home – both from his alcoholic self and from his children who had been quite damaged by the suicide of their mother a few years ago.
In the end, I fought back, and lo and behold, he threw me out, claiming I was the abuser. He has left me homeless, jobless and with a disability that is similar to MS, exacerbated by his treatment of me. He’s filing for divorce which means that my pastors and other church counselors aren’t pinning the blame on me for that. They are, however, telling me that I must continue to submit to him ie I must not go back to my own property, where there are two dwellings, one of them vacant, in which I could quietly live. And I must accept whatever paltry settlement he offers me. I must not fight for what I deserve. And here’s the real peach – I must wait for him, even after the divorce, to come to God and return to my marriage, even if it takes years. That is my calling as a Christian. Can you believe that? So I must be jobless, homeless, ill and lonely for the rest of my life? I don’t think so.
And where are they when I call and ask for company because I’m lonely and struggling? Why…too busy, of course. Seriously. I cling close to God these days but not to the Church. There is such a huge chasm between the two.
Hello, Friend.
I am so sorry to read of all that you are enduring at the hands of an abusive husband – and an abusive church. My heart breaks for you.
Dear woman, you need to know from the outset that the way your church is treating you and their demands of you are ungodly, unbiblical and treacherous. You are not alone. Many of us as abuse victims have suffered similar atrocities based on a faulty understanding of Scripture.
But that is now who our God is and does not reflect His heart for relationship and marriage. Yes, I know what the “traditional church script says,” but I have learned both on my own and from other sources that the interpretations your church is acting upon are inconsistent with God’s heart.
With that in mind, I would advise you not to abide by any of their directions, but to seek the heart of God and pursue legal recourse according to your rights under the law. I would urge to go the court and seek some advice (which is often free of charge) and contact a local domestic violence group for legal advice. Your local government representatives (County Supervisor/City Council Member) may be able to direct you to local government services to help you get on your feet. In my view, the courts should allow you to have access to the other house on the property as well as appropriate measures of financial support as provided under the law. You are going to have to gather all of your strength to do what is right – to fight back. I know you’re tired and beaten down, but with the Lord’s help, you can do this.
Also, that stuff about your obligation to submit to your husband and remain single unless and until he returns to you – appalling and unbiblical. Really? Submission is voluntary and grounded in mutual love, not domination and abuse. I Corinthians 7 says that, if a woman leaves her husband, she should remain unmarried or return to him. This is not a commentary on divorce for cause.
Go back to the heart of God. Read I Corinthians 13 again – what love should look like. Then contrast it then with what love DOESN’T look like. Your husband is the one in sin, having broken the marriage covenant and failing under God’s design for marriage as outlined in Ephesians 5.
You are welcome to e-mail me at my website. I can’t promise you that I have all of the answers, but I will do what I can to help and direct you. I will be praying for you, as well.
Cindy
Hi Cindy!
I am new to your blog, and ever so grateful for you words that I have read. I am working my way out of a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship of over 26 years (married for 25), and I a pastor. I am still in seminary working my way towards ordination in the United Methodist Church. Even though I have received a tremendous amount of support from those I have told my story to, the topic of this post is one that is heavy on my heart because of the women who do not receive support from their pastors. I am making it my mission to educate other pastors/church leaders on this issue so that women will be handled with care and supported–not sent back to the abuse. I strongly believe that the church has it backwards by putting the institution of marriage above God’s children. I believe that God cares a great deal more about how his children treat one another than about any institution. Thank you for speaking out!
Hello, Becky. Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing some of your story. And thank you for your kind comments about my blog and ministry. I am very interested in your story, as your situation is pretty rare among abuse victims in the Christian sphere. I wonder how perhaps your denomination more specifically views abuse and/or divorce. I would like to know more. Also, I will be retiring from my profession very soon and will be pursuing this ministry more aggressively. With that in mind, if I can provide you with any information or other resources, please let me know.
Thank you again for taking the time to write and share.
Cindy
Cindy, my story is typical of those who experience verbal/emotional abuse. I didn’t realize it was happening until a few months ago. I knew something was wrong for quite a while, but couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I tried so hard to be a good wife, to be respectful and accommodating. I tried to keep him happy and keep him from being mad at me. As long as we were “equals” or he was one step ahead of me, things were generally okay for the most part. When I started to progress in ministry and began working on my Master’s degree, things got worse. I didn’t notice it for a while, but by the time I began to see the big picture, my confidence was at all time low, and my fear at an all time high. I couldn’t do my job effectively because I was afraid of everyone, and I didn’t believe I was worth listening to. I was depressed and struggling, but still trying to be a “good” wife.
Thankfully, he has never been violent–verbally or physically. His abuse has been passive and subtle, and very emotionally manipulative. He is also very self-centered to the point that I would call him narcissistic. Together we have four children, all of whom are older, and they have experienced the same behavior from him that I have. He rules us through emotional manipulation and passive aggressive behavior, which had gotten worse over the past year or so, and would come out when we didn’t do exactly what he wanted, when he wanted.
When I began to wake up to the truth, I began to disengage emotionally from him. I also spent a lot of time listening for God, and began to be led to talk to people and read books that helped me see the truth even more. In February, God used Exodus 16 to show me that I am an abused woman and that He is leading me out of this marriage, much like he led the Israelites out of Egypt–a place of bondage, abuse, and oppression. That really was the turning point for me.
Twice since then we have discussed how I have felt disrespected, devalued and manipulated. We have also discussed his passive aggressive behavior and how his treatment of me had affected my confidence and sense of who I am. He has yet to take responsibility for anything. I don’t believe he is capable of it.
Every person I have told my story to has been supportive–even my clergy friends. I still have some of the “higher-ups” to talk to and that time will come in the next several weeks.
In our Book of Discipline (para.161f), abuse, in all its forms, “is detrimental to the covenant of the human community” and the Church is encouraged to provide a safe place for victims, as well as counsel and support. In my conference, we have ministerial integrity training that we must go through and then refreshers every 4 years, but abuse, other than sexual, is not addressed. My desire is to educate pastors and other church leaders on the other forms of abuse besides physical and how to care for the victim. I plan to use my story and my platform as a pastor to do that.
As I progress with my plans to file for divorce in October, I expect to be supported fully by my congregation, as well as those in leadership over me. While the UMC is not a fan of divorce, we understand that there are times when it is necessary and those who experience it need to be compassionately ministered to and divorce does not preclude a new marriage (para 161c of the Discipline).
I hope that helps, and I would definitely like to stay in touch as you progress in your ministry. I feel very strongly that this is something I need to pursue when I get to the other side of it. I’ve got to get the divorce out of the way, recovery, and ordination “stuff” to get through. I am confident that God is working through all of this and I am the best I have ever been in my life!
Cindy, once again I am blessed by reading your article that expresses what so many of us have lived through. As a missionary in South American, I was trapped in so many ways. Our employment, housing, transportation, medical insurance and so much more depended all on remaining married. Once a couple separates and divorces, they are out of a job, a home, a car, insurance, and so on. I remained in the marriage in part because I was trapped, until I was ready to launch out on my own.
After I separated, well-meaning church members (of the church we planted 20 years earlier) contacted me to convince me that God’s will was for me to stay in the marriage. They had no clue…and I did not wish to tell them the ugly truth.
One of my brothers, also well-meaning, stopped talking to me for a few months. He is also a missionary. Fortunately, the rest of my family was very supportive especially when I shared what was the tip of the iceberg about the emotional and sexual abuse. When I finally sat down to talk to my brother, he asked me to show him where I had had scars or physical signs of abuse. I didn’t know what to say because the abuse was in my heart, and in the most intimate area of life. It is such an intimate area that it is almost impossible to talk about.
Thank you again for speaking the TRUTH through your articles!
Hello, Dee Anne.
What you experienced from those in your family and your church is appalling – but sadly not surprising. Many, if not most, of us are subject to the same cruel judgments. I find it particularly ironic that believers accept that only physical abuse is abuse. Between sexual abuse and emotional and verbal abuse, these are even more insidious, because the scars cannot be seen by others, and the abuser exploits that reality. They know how to play the game.
We must simply accept that many will not “get it.” But God gets it. He affirms what is right and true. He calls these kinds of behaviors treachery – treason, betrayal. So it is.
Cindy
Hello Dee…non-physical abuse can be even worse, because it can destroy us up from the inside out, yet we have no physical scars to prove it took place. Those who have never endured it, cannot understand it.
I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you. You sound very brave. I hope you will continue to do what God wants and not listen to those who believe they are His mouthpieces. I know, it hurts…
Becky,
I am excited your church is standing behind you, and even has things in place in your rules of discipline about abuse! How wonderful! What type of church do you go to?
Cindy, I can so relate to this.
I remember being 20, married only a few months, and my husband standing by the church alter supposedly after being filled with the Spirit. I felt grieved, because I knew him and knew he would use this experience as something to lord over me, as proof of his spiritual superiority. Tears rolled down my cheeks, to which the pastor rebuked me to, “Stop crying, you’re nothing but a big baby!” Sadly, I was right, and when he got home he picked right up where he’d left off.
Ten years into the marriage, I remember telling a Christian acquaintance that I wanted out, and the shocked look on her face, her citing that “Adultery is the only grounds for divorce!”
I remember my Christian brother and his wife, literally yelling at me that I had no right…he hadn’t been unfaithful, had he? I stayed at a women’s shelter? Really? “Were you getting beaten up?” (in a sarcastic tone). On and on they went till my head was spinning…I truly wish sometimes he HAD cheated because then I could maybe have left and everyone might have let me be.
Then I remember wrestling with the “God hates divorce” thing and scouring the internet…I came upon a site run by a lady who had this verse plastered all over the place, it seemed, whose husband had strayed quite a bit. She gave a glowing testimony as to how she’d fasted and prayed and how God had faithfully answered her and brought her man back home. So I e-mailed her, asking what Scripture there was that said an abused woman must stay with her abuser, only to have her send me a stinging reply from the book of Titus about warning the divisive person (she was referring to me), then having no more to do with them. 🙁
No wonder I’ve always had such a hard time believing God’s love…I’ve always seen Him as being aligned with my husband. I was, and still am, the bad one, the contentious woman that’s like a dripping faucet. “I don’t respect you, because respect has to be EARNED!” “I have to control you, because you’re OUT of control!” Everything is somehow all my fault.
In the beginning he used to tell people, “I prayed for a strong Christian woman, and look what I got, heh heh…” (Like, I went shopping for a Mercedes but somehow the salesguy sold me this lemon of a Chevy).
Thank you for a place to vent…
Hello, Pooh.
I hope you can tell that this is not merely a place where you can vent, but a place where you can find truth and hope and healing. What happened to you was wrong – both from your abusive husband and those who think they represent God’s heart when it comes to marriage and divorce. Most of us have been taught the same stuff to the body’s detriment.
I heard much of the same kinds of guilt messages, although probably in more subtle ways, during my “Christian” marriage to an abuser. The truth is that you have been lied to by sometimes well-meaning people who do not understand God’s heart for His beloved, and for marriage. I am convinced that “God hates divorce,” has to be one of the most misinterpreted and misrepresented verses in all of Scripture, with tragic results. For a little clarity, you might want to check out a three-part series on the subject that begins I will soon be releasing the second edition of “God Is My Witness: Making a Case for Biblical Divorce,” here in the near future. I will be posting a release once we get it out there. I think it will really help you to see God’s heart and the truth in these matters associated with what I refer to “mockery marriages.”
I hope you will allow the truth to set you free.
Cindy
I think I spent another 4 years in hell because of the Created to be his Helpmeet book by Debi Pearl. Now I’m going through the process of getting him out of my house and divorce proceedings all over again. I think that book should be renamed Daily Affirmations for Abusers. My church was doing a study on it and I read it and was appalled, but women at church were saying how much it helped them. I was very angry at my husband and I thought it was God trying to get my attention. So I repented for being angry at God which was a good thing and I asked Him to soften my heart which was hard for self preservation sake. He started healing my heart and is still working to restore me to wholeness, but I realized it couldn’t happen staying with my husband. It is sad when your daughter is begging you to get a divorce. I pray the Lord heals her heart one day soon and she doesn’t equate her dad’s actions with Christians. She seems mad at God and like I’m a fool to still believe. I started the paperwork yesterday even though he hasn’t moved out yet. I can smell freedom on the horizon.