“For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, then I could bear it; nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide myself from him. But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend…” Psalm 55:12-13
Betrayal.
I’m almost certain that the majority of those who read this have at one time or another experienced the trauma of betrayal, a moment when someone you trusted broad-sided you, leaving a cavernous wound on your heart – the gravest kind of wound, the kind of wound that may never really heal completely. It is a wound that has changed the way you see people and perhaps even made you cynical as to whom you may be willing to trust going forward and to what degree.
You didn’t do anything to deserve what that person did to you, but he or she did it anyway. Your trust was so steady that you didn’t see it coming, never imagined for a moment that your spouse or friend or family member was capable of inflicting such pain without flinching, without remorse, without regret.
The knowledge of what that person did produced – and may still incite – an ongoing and perhaps overwhelming burden of grief, doubt or even despair.
Yet even as you try to move on and live as though the matter has been addressed, the secret burden remains, and you may even feel guilty or wonder whether you have become bitter because you can’t seem to shake it, can’t figure out a way to get past it. The traumatic event is replayed over and over again in your mind, as you try to reconcile what you experienced with what you believed.
Then there are those who will tell you, “It’s time to get over it. Forgive as Christ forgave you. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. Seventy times seven.” But those easily offered platitudes may do nothing to explain what transpired or do anything to help heal the wound.
No doubt you have tried to let it go and move on. But the question haunts you: Why? Did your offender betray you out of selfishness or resentment or envy? Did you unintentionally offend them in some manner that could justify their decision to come against you so cruelly? Did your relationship mean so little that sacrificing your heart to their will constituted a moment of pleasure or victory for them?
Those of you who have been betrayed may never really understand why it happened. But the bottom line is that you were betrayed. And although your offender’s actions were a reflection of their character, not yours, the questions remain: How can you fully trust anyone ever again? How can you keep from being blindsided the next time? How will the wound ever heal?
I believe the answers lie in time and truth.
Time: No one – and I mean no one – can tell you how long you are allowed to grieve such a deep wound. That is between you and God. And grieving requires acknowledging:
- the one who inflicted the wound;
- the possibility that your offender may never be safe for you;
- the depth of the pain associated with the event itself; and
- (perhaps most importantly and the most difficult part of all); an understanding that neither your offender nor the offense committed against you hold the power to define you.
It may take time – a great deal of time – but I know that every one of us has an opportunity as well as the privilege and God-given authority to relinquish our identity as a victim and walk in our identity as a victor. And, yes, ultimately it will be to your benefit to forgive your offender. Doing so does not obligate you to return to relationship but simply releases you from the unhealthy bond you have with that person.
Truth: I think it is important to acknowledge that our Lord understands betrayal. He was betrayed too, not only by Judas, but by each one of us at one time or another. And He saw it all – everything that happened to you. He knows full well the weight of the grief you carry.
Identifying the truth in your life also means seeing past the person you thought your offender was and seeing more clearly the nature of his or her heart and motives, whatever they may be. Perhaps that person has acknowledged what happened and apologized. But only you know whether that apology was sincere and whether it justifies the risk of entering into relationship again. Trust your instincts and measure the risk, no matter what anyone else imposes upon you as your obligation.
Ultimately, the truth is that you may never receive the kind of resolution you seek with the one who inflicted that terrible wound, but you can receive healing from the nail-scarred hands of the ultimate Healer and walk in the victory and peace He has already secured for you. That is what I would wish and hope for – for all who know the trauma and heartache of betrayal.
“As for me, I shall call upon God, and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice. He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle against me…” Psalm 55:16-18a
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You might also want to read, “The Truth About Reconciliation.”
Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved
This was beautiful. I really needed this confirmation today. Just when I feel I’m moving forward my abuser(s) have continued to show just how much they despise me. Yes, I feel deeply betrayed and the tears flow. I’m just soooo very tired.
But oh, what an awesome and loving God!
Thank you, Cindy. <3
Cindy,
This is stunning! I am going to share it, for sure.
This, in particular, of the many important observations you make, strikes me today: “And, yes, ultimately it will be to your benefit to forgive your offender. Doing so does not obligate you to return to relationship but simply releases you from the unhealthy bond you have with that person.”
Many blessings,
P.
Hello, P. It’s nice to hear from you, and I always appreciate your feedback and your willingness to share. I hope you are doing well.
Blessings,
Cindy
I hope this isn’t a double comment, I thought I’d left one already. 😉
“Yet even as you try to move on and live as though the matter has been addressed, the secret burden remains, and you may even feel guilty or wonder whether you have become bitter because you can’t seem to shake it, can’t figure out a way to get past it. The traumatic event is replayed over and over again in your mind, as you try to reconcile what you experienced with what you believed.”
This paragraph describes my oldest son right now as he has finally opened up after more than 10 years about the abuse he endured from his father, and sadly he has shared things with me that my ex did privately to both him and my younger son which I had no knowledge of. 🙁
And what I had thought I’d once healed from, is coming up again. I’m holding guilt and regret after my son let me know I didn’t protect him and his brother, how I should have left and even accused me of being abusive like his father — that one destroyed me. And I’ve spent the past few months trying to figure out what I did so wrong in his eyes, but have realized and told my son, there are things that happened between his dad and I that he doesn’t know and leaving an abusive marriage was not so black and white.
My son feels so betrayed, not only by his abusive father, but me also and that rips me apart. Especially because I feel responsible for his trauma and don’t know how to let go of the guilt.
Oh, Amy. First, I want you to know that, if you had written before, it didn’t show up here. I’m sorry about that… but I’m glad you decided to return and post again.
With regard to what you shared, my heart broke as I read – for you and your sons. Whatever wounds were inflicted in your home at the hands of your abusive husband/your sons’ father cannot be changed, but they can be healed, and I know that is what you want for yourself and them. Yes, our kids may look back and see our failure to stop the abuse as acceptance or even agreement, but you and I both know all too well that, in those bizarre moments, having been indoctrinated, confused, shamed and trained to believe that we were overreacting, did the best we could – and finally escaped. I am confident that your only failure was ignorance, and although your son cannot see that at this point, all you can do is hear his pain and ask him to forgive you for the indirect role you played in the abuse. Then be who you are, live in the light of the truth and pray and wait for your son to see your heart and forgive what you did not understand at the time and realize that he has the opportunity to enjoy relationship with you now. I have to believe he will ultimately see the truth and arrive at that place. And you will need to find a way to forgive yourself. The enemy is an accuser, and he will return time and time again to accuse you. And you will have to shut him down and shut him out. I know it’s easier said than done – sometimes a daily battle. But
I pray right now that you will see the hand and the grace of God in your life in miraculous, life-giving ways, that you will sense the depth of His love and validation in the midst of the heartache and that you will be able to walk in the freedom He has given you – from your past – and the strength to take one day at a time until all is made right in Him. I know it will not be easy (I’ve been there), but God is faithful, and He will give you the strength to get through this.
Feel free to write anytime. And you can always email me privately here, too.
I’ll be praying for you.
Blessings,
Cindy
Cindy,
I came back to re-read your insightful article today because of what has happened in a very close relationship of many years with a family member.
Due to the political poison that is infecting our nation just now, she has completely turned on me and on others in our family who do not agree with her politically.
This is especially shocking and hurtful because she and I have always been one another’s close confidant and supporter, sharing and helping each other through many sorrows and joys.
She has resorted to exhibiting such hateful verbal abuse it takes my breath away; other family members say the same thing.
Because, to date, all attempts to reason with her have failed, unfortuntely, I and other family members have had to limit contact with her. We continue to pray for her, however, and to help each other with the best ways to deal with it.
I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, because it’s happening all over.
Articles such as yours help bring back a Godly perspective and focus.
Thank you, particularly for the encouragement in the Psalm 55: “He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle against me…” .
Blessings,
P.
Hello, P.
I could have sworn I responded to you days ago, but I cannot find my response. Grrr. I’m so sorry – and am so saddened to read what you shared about a situation with a family member. It is truly shocking and heartbreaking. Yes, this kind of scenario is happening more and more. But I know you know the One at the center of all things, and I pray you find peace in Him and understanding and support from those of us who have been there, too.
Blessings always,
Cindy
My betrayal was a double offense. I was in a volunteer position and someone who was participating in this did not like what I did or how I did it. There was a meeting and my husband sat far away from me and said nothing in my defense. I was humiliated and betrayed.
There was one point in the meeting where it would have been the perfect opportunity for him to speak up. I asked if he had the point made and he said he had. I said that would have been the perfect time for him to speak up, so why hadn’t he? I was told that he does not get involved in petty offenses and the whole thing was my fault anyway as I am a rude person who is too difficult to get along with. All righty.
Years later, good friends of ours also had problems with this same person. As the husband was describing things, I would nod in agreement or just say yes to the things they had been through. My husband looked surprised as his friend would talk, but never apologized to me for what he had said so many years ago. But I did realize in that moment, whether anyone else acknowledged it or not, I was vindicated.