If you have followed me for any period of time or read some of my articles, you may know that I encourage those in abusive relationships to trust their instincts, to listen to what their hearts – and the Spirit of God – are saying to them.  Please forgive what may be redundant for some of you, as I share an important message with those who may need it.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way the value of listening to that Voice above all others – even my own.  As a believer in Jesus and the living God who sent Him, I believe that our instincts are absolutely connected to the presence of the Spirit moving in our lives.  Yet how often do we choose to diminish, ignore or override what we sense to be right or wrong?  The issue is whether we are willing to live our lives without apology in the light of an uncomfortable truth or choose instead to defer – even with the best of intentions – to other, lesser voices.

During the years of my abusive marriage, there were countless times when I knew the Spirit was not just whispering but almost shouting to me that what I was living in was absolutely ungodly, and that I needed to do something about it.  But rather than trusting what was so painfully obvious, I would occasionally – and cautiously – reach out to people whom I thought might validate what my heart was so clearly declaring.

Unfortunately, as I cracked open the window of my life and shared some of my painful incidents and wounds with a handful of sisters in the Lord, what began with a single question found me facing a measure of spiritual correction along with a heavy burden of obligation.

“Is he hitting you?” my Christian friends would almost mechanically inquire.

“No,” I had to reply, feeling the hope of any measure of understanding immediately drain from my being.

“Well then,” my well-meaning friends would reply, “you need to go home and do everything in your power to fix it.”

Sitting there with my heart breaking and tears streaming down my face, they casually, if lovingly, peppered me with an array of Christian-sounding platitudes:

This is your time to find strength in the Lord.

God is going to teach you through all of this.

God wants to restore your marriage.

Read your bible more.

Just have faith.

Pray for him.

Just learn to be more… submissive, gentle, understanding, patient, loving, etc.

Divorce wouldn’t solve anything; you would just be giving the enemy victory.

Although the counsel my well-meaning friends offered was in direct conflict with everything the Spirit had been saying to me, I didn’t want to be viewed as a Christian wife who had failed.  I chose to listen to the voices of those who urged me to preserve the image of faith rather than the Voice that attested to an undeniable truth:  my husband was an abuser, and our marriage, our children and home were desperately broken.  I allowed those other voices to keep me bound in that disastrous marriage for many more years, while fighting to keep the whispers of truth at bay.

When the day finally came when the lies and the truth simply could not co-mingle any longer, on the morning after I found myself teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I left with my four children.  It was traumatic and excruciatingly painful as everything in our lives was suddenly upended and all of the horrid junk I had been trying to manage and hide was suddenly exposed for all to see.

But even as our circumstances became more difficult, as our lives were shaken to their core and our future was all the more uncertain; when people I thought would be there for me suddenly weren’t and my then-husband began operating from a whole new set of strategies in the midst of everything else – yes, as strange and unlikely as it seems, somehow it was easier to walk according to the truth than to try to live the lie for even one more day.

In terms of listening to that Voice though, I faltered one last time.  Three months after our separation, even though my instincts screamed “Danger,” I allowed the man to return home.  He had been plying me with promises and “proof” of his change, coupled with passionate assertions that, if I would just take him back, everything would be fine.  Acting solely on a sense of obligation coupled with a fear that I might look like an unreasonable, unforgiving wife if I said ‘no,’ I allowed him to return.

It didn’t take more than a couple of weeks to realize how foolish my decision had been.  My instincts had been telling me the truth, and once again I chose to override them.  Three months later he left again.   He didn’t return.

The two years that followed represent the hardest, loneliest season of my life.  Yet, as emotionally and physically exhausting and scary as it was, when I finally decided to listen to the Voice that had been speaking truth to me all along, in the midst of the chaos, I had this undeniable – and almost bizarre – measure of peace.

It didn’t matter what my husband might do or how long it might take until the divorce was final.  It didn’t matter whether my kids and I might have to move, or how much money we would have to get by on or how I was going to hold our lives together.  The truth was that my husband had intentionally and brutally violated not only our marriage vows, but my heart and my faith, our children’s hearts and what little good I endeavored to sow in the midst of the insanity.  But I finally understood and began to live and walk according to the measure of truth that had been revealed in my life.

Not until after the divorce was final did the man begin to respect my boundaries – and even then he tried to brainwash my kids and assert control in other ways – but healing began once our abuser was finally out of our home, as my kids and I were free to talk about what had occurred, and together we committed to another way of living…

My only regret was failing to listen to that Voice from the beginning and, as a result, not getting him out of our lives sooner – much, much sooner.

Hear me in this, dear friends.  If you must, test your instincts, but please don’t ignore them.  Once you hear that Voice speaking truth to your heart, trust it and do whatever you must to begin the potentially difficult – but healing – process of reclaiming your life.

[P.S. Always be wise and be safe.  Never underestimate what an abuser might do.  Should you decide to separate, I would encourage you to seek legal counsel to protect yourself financially.  Consider what you might want or need to do to fortify your home, workplace and/or vehicle if it seems appropriate.  Communicate with friends and family what your intentions are and keep people around you whom you can contact any time day or night if needed.  Alert law enforcement of any perceived or verbalized threats, and consider seeking a restraining order if necessary.]

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You might also like, “The Sympathy Bond.”

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Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com