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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part II

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The Next Step: Denial

In Part I, we looked at the initial progression of the verbally or emotionally abusive relationship. Although the enabler-victim tries to overlook consistently hurtful actions at the hands of her abuser, the abuse not only continues; it increases.

In the final few sentences of my first article I wrote, “…this person whom you have loved and tried to please is hurting you and doesn’t care.”

In a relationship with an abuser, what I have written is, for all intents and purposes, true. Understand that an abuser wants the victim in his life, but on his terms. An abuser will do anything to keep you, but nothing to take care of you.

Nevertheless, the enabler-victim would probably be tempted to say that the abuser “doesn’t seem to care.” The difference in perception is crucial. We enablers use mind-bending logic to attempt to rationalize both our abuser’s actions and our reasons for waiting for him to change. To the enabler’s way of thinking, the abuser really does care, it’s just that he is having a hard time acknowledging or showing it. Okay, brace yourself: that’s not true. If he cared, he would show it, and you would know it.

Here denial rears its ugly head. Of course, it was birthed many months or years before. Early on, when the abuser says or does something hurtful, the victim’s heart is so stunned by something malicious that he says or does that she must quickly rationalize in her mind that he certainly couldn’t have meant it. Maybe he was having a bad day, or other issues in his life were making him uncharacteristically impatient. The verbal slap was an accident, a slip of the tongue, or misdirected anger. It must be temporary – a phase – and surely it will pass.

When the occurrences become more common, she questions him or informs him that he is hurting her feelings, but he is unwavering and unapologetic. You are the one who is failing him, he contends. Although his reasoning seems strange, his insistence on being right makes her question whether she is, as he would say, overreacting. In the end, her efforts to get him to hear her are unsuccessful.

From there it is a downhill slide. The victim begins to become accustomed to overlooking his callous remarks and actions. She must rationalize them away as a matter of self-preservation. She believes that, with time and the right collection of influences (particularly her kind attention and positive example), these hurtful incidents will cease, and he will come to appreciate not only who she is, but he will suddenly see with new eyes the patience and care his partner has exerted to help him see the error of his ways. At that point (she has convinced herself), he will be doubly smitten and finally begin to treat her with the care and affection she has longed for for so long. He wants to love her; he just doesn’t know how.

The abuser continues to dismiss his spouse’s concerns, shuns her or rages at her when she fails to meet his impossible expectations, and the enabler is still convinced that she is simply missing something. There must be a key to his love eludes her, and she is determined to find it in spite of her ongoing misery. This is where, looking back, an enabler-victim wonders why she held on, why she continued to subject herself to his unending treachery – in her own home.

See Part III

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved

 

abuse

Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part I

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Accepting a Painful Truth

Abuse, whether physical, verbal, emotional, or spiritual begins with one primary attitude that emanates from the abuser: superiority. The abuser will offer remarks criticizing or correcting his victim’s behavior, personality, profession, friends, family, choices, priorities, appearance, attitude, etc. He begins to strike a position of absolute knowledge and authority.

With such clarity of mind, he has no trouble finding cause to criticize, correct or condemn those things about his victim that he finds unappealing or inappropriate. You need to be more outgoing, submissive, sensitive, affectionate, flexible, athletic, or whatever. He complains that you’re not a better cook, housekeeper or lover. He leaves little doubt that your views on important matters, news, politics or family relationships are flawed or foolish. In fact, if it weren’t for him, you are led to believe you would merely limp your way through life.

It may begin as a cutting remark, a little sarcasm, or a put-down. Over time, his tone will become increasingly angry. He may throw in some manipulation, unusual demands, self-serving attitudes and actions. Because he doesn’t hit you, you fail to recognize that what you’re living with is actually abuse.

Abusers will use whatever weapons they have at their disposal. They are fully aware of your fears and failings and use them against you. If you are a God-fearing woman, he will use your faith against you, inferring that God would not be pleased by your attitude or actions. If you are truly a godly woman, you will submit to the abuser and his will. If you have a poor self-image, he will exploit it and remind you of how unappealing you are. If you suffer guilt from past issues or failings, he will find the perfect moment to throw them in your face.

Even if a victim knows in her heart that she is doing the best she can, the feelings of inadequacy he churns up compels her to question whether he must be right. So she strives even harder to earn his acceptance and affection, believing that if she just tries harder, he will see how much she loves him. The enabler-victim’s life is one of anxiety and confusion, believing that if she can hold it together, prove her loyalty and worth, he will very soon turn around and love her.

Why doesn’t it work? Because he doesn’t want what she wants, and he doesn’t want her to have what she wants. The abuser doesn’t want relationship; he wants control. The enabler wants to believe that he doesn’t really mean to hurt her; it is too traumatic to consider that this person whom you have loved and tried to please is hurting you and doesn’t care.

This is only the beginning. (See Part II)

Copyright 2010 all rights reserved

 

abuse

What Do I Do Now?

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By the time many abuse victims find my website, they are beaten questiondown, emotionally exhausted and thoroughly confused.  They wonder whether their situations are hopeless, what they should do, and where to begin.

To those of you to whom the above applies, I say:

Don’t give up.  You have taken the first step by discovering the truth about abuse.  There is a wealth of information and help available to begin the work necessary to do what you must to reclaim your value and your life.  I, and many others like me, have escaped, survived and recovered.  Every abuse victim has unique circumstances but, if you are willing, the journey toward recovery begins here.  It begins now.

Stop doubting yourself.  Call abuse what it is.  You have probably denied what you have been living with for far too long.

Gather information.  Get your hands on resources that will educate you on the truth about abusive relationships and the roles of abusers and enablers that will help you to acknowledge and identify abuse when it happens, and what to do when it occurs.

Tell your secrets.  Spend some time with people you trust and tell them the truth about your relationship.  You will be validated, and opening up will empower you as you assess the decisions and changes you may need to make in your life.

Develop a support network.  Seek support from a counselor (preferably one knowledgeable in issues relating to abusive relationships), a pastor, an attorney, other abuse survivors, friends, family members and/or a women’s shelter.  Let people know your needs and begin to develop a plan for separation (if it becomes necessary).  If the abuser has threatened to harm you physically or financially, consider getting a legal separation or other legal protection, and develop options for safe alternative housing, financial, employment, child care, etc.

Stop talking and start doing.  Pleading with your spouse or partner to stop hurting you hasn’t worked yet, has it?  Demand change by changing.  (Make the changes you must to take care of yourself recognizing that, although it would be nice to see your spouse change as a result, he may not.)

Don’t confuse compliance with change.  If you separate, let time bear witness of legitimate, heartfelt change.  Beware of magic words, buy-offs and hooks the abuser will almost certainly use to get you back into his domain.

Begin to rebuild your life and your sense of value.  Stop basing your value on his assessment.  He has convinced you that you are not worth loving, and you have been trying to convince him that you are.  Know that if your relationship does not survive, you can still become who you want to be apart from him.

Above all, be safe.  A verbal or emotional abuser may resort to physical control or violence if he feels his control is threatened.  Take all necessary precautions, including keeping a record of threats, harassment, stalking or other actions that may indicate a risk to yourself or any children.  Notify co-workers, friends and family members of such actions and promptly seek a restraining order if it is merited.  In extreme cases, you may need to find living arrangements that are unknown to the abuser, change your phone number, notify your children’s school and provide a copy of a restraining order (should you obtain one), and inform co-workers or supervisors at your place of employment – for your safety and theirs.

And, finally, realize…

There is life beyond abuse.  We enablers become obsessively caught up in his world, trying to earn love and quell his discontent.  We put on an optimistic, cautious smile and pray that maybe today he’ll decide to love us only to discover that we are missing out on the lives we are meant to live.

Abuse is not normal.  Healthy relationships are characterized by acceptance, respect, affection, joy, laughter, contentment, beauty, and peace.  If your abuser won’t allow you to have those things, you need to go find them for yourself.

Copyright 2011, All Rights Reserved

For a more in-depth look at the abusive relationship, you may want to consider ordering, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” from the Books page.

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Ten Lies Enablers Tell Themselves

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I have been where you are.  I understand the confusion and chaos you live with. 

 I have told myself all of the same things you tell yourself, the rationalizations you use to justify the insanity of an unsafe relationship. 

I have also found freedom.  I have discovered the truth.  I want to you discover the same. 

Sometimes it takes a little jolt to get us out of our dysfunctional mindset so that we can renew our strength and find the determination we need to break the cycle.

Have these thoughts crossed your mind? 

Lie #1:  This must be normal.

You assume that your relationship is typical of most relationships.  Even though you are hurting constantly, strategizing ways to get him* to hear or understand you, trying to prove you are worth loving, you tell yourself that it’s a misunderstanding, a phase or he’s just going through a hard time.

Fear, anxiety, confusion, isolation, diminishment, sarcasm, manipulation, name-calling, shame and blame are not the automatic responses of someone who is just having a bad day.  Doesn’t it seem illogical for a man to attack his greatest ally, his best friend, his mate?  It should, because it is.

You believe that if you try harder, the abuser will come to appreciate you.  In truth, the more he abuses you, the harder you try.  That’s what he appreciates.

 Lie #2:  He’ll change.

Then why hasn’t he?

Why do you believe he will change now or at some time in the future?  Because you love him?  Because you’re so patient with him?  Because he doesn’t mean it?  Because he’s said, “I’m so sorry.  It won’t happen again”?  You believe it because acknowledging that he knows what he’s doing and doesn’t care is too scary.

In truth, you have stayed with him in spite of the fact that he is abusing you; therefore, the message he is receiving is that you really don’t have a problem with it.  You are reinforcing that what he’s doing is acceptable.

Where is the incentive for him to change?  You’re doing the same things you’ve always done; why shouldn’t he?

If he wants to change, why doesn’t he?

If he won’t change, then you must.

Lie #3:  I Need to Protect Him.

Abuse is nurtured and fed by your silence.  Part of the abuser’s power is in your willingness to keep his secrets.  Stop keeping them.

Instead of protecting him, start protecting yourself.

Lie #4:  It’s My Fault.

You are willing to believe your actions determine the way he responds to you.  You pushed his button or hit the trigger that set him off.

Do you really hold that much power over his choices or behavior?  If that is so, then why don’t you have the power to keep him from abusing you?

You have no power over him, and you never will.

You do, however, have power over what you will do.

What will you do?

Lie #5:  He Really Loves Me.

Real love operates 24 hours a day.  It doesn’t come and go with the tides, change with the time of day or vaporize because someone has had a bad day.

Abuse is never a function of a normal, healthy relationship.  Abuse and love do not occur in the same relationship.

Yes, your abuser wants you.  But just because he wants you does not mean he loves you.  I know that is very difficult to accept.  The truth is that it shouldn’t be that difficult to be kind to someone you profess to love.

So try not to confuse wanting with loving.  Just because he may not love you does not mean you are not worth loving.  You are.

Lie #6:  I Just Need to Explain Things to Him.

Words are just words to an abuser.  He can listen to you and not hear anything.  You can talk all you want, but until you are willing to do something, nothing will change.

You’ve already talked to him before, right?  Has it made any difference?

You keep talking, he keeps abusing, you keep trying harder, and nothing changes – for the abuser or for you.

Stop trying to figure out what words will work.  The best word you can use is, “Stop.”

If that word doesn’t work, what words will?

Lie #7:  He Says He’s Sorry; He’s Trying.

Anyone can say that they’re sorry.  But real sorrow brings real change.

You may latch on to the slightest effort on his part and believe it is the beginning of real change.  But there is a monumental difference between compliance and change.

Compliance is giving you the bare minimum.  The abuser may get as close to the line of offense you have declared without crossing over, or begrudgingly give you a measure of what you need.

Change is reversing course as a result of acknowledging the truth and doing everything possible (as opposed to as little as possible), to save the relationship and make it a safe, healthy place to be.

Compliance will likely be temporary.  The abuser will incrementally attempt to move the line and accuse you of being unreasonable if you contest.

Compliance isn’t change.  Without heartfelt change, it’s probably only a matter of time until you are right back where you started.

Lie #8:  I Can Save Him.

No, you can’t.  The idea that you can save him is enabling at its highest (or lowest) point of insanity.

Enabling is taking responsibility for the actions of another person.  Enabling overlooks the abuser’s flaws, forgives him, and lives in a state of denial about the abuse that is taking place.

Enabling is not noble.  Once you know that you are living with abuse and you allow it to continue, you are both a victim and an accomplice.  You are unwittingly supporting, even encouraging, his behavior by failing to call it what it is and putting a stop to it.  Even if you can convince yourself that he doesn’t know what he’s doing; you do.

The abuser chooses how to treat you.  You can only choose how you respond – whether to accept that treatment as normal or reject it and demand better.

You can’t save him.  You can only save yourself.  And if it becomes apparent that you must, you should.

Lie #9:  He Needs Me.

Does he need you because you make his meals, clean his house, listen to his griping, sleep with him?  Are you the only one who would put up with him?

And what do you get out of the relationship?  Are you getting what you need, or are you still waiting for him to treat you like you dream of being treated?

Have your dreams been replaced with a hefty dose of heartache?  Grief?  Loneliness?  Feelings of inadequacy?   Is that a relationship, or something more akin to bondage?

Know that, if the day comes that you need to leave for your own sanity, he will survive.  Abusers always do.  They’re generally too selfish to let anything get in their way of themselves.   You will survive, too, as long as you hold tight to the truth that you don’t deserve to be abused.

Lie #10:  I Probably Deserve It.

Do children deserve to be abused?  Do animals deserve to be abused?  Of course not.

So, why you?  The “I probably deserve it” lie is what we use to convince ourselves that the abuser has a mysterious (yet justified) reason for the way he treats us.  No, you’re not perfect; either is he.  But I’m guessing he wouldn’t accept from you one-tenth of what he dishes out.

There’s no good reason he could possibly offer or that you could possibly conjure up to justify abuse.  In your heart, you already know that.

Dear friend, if you discover that you have been living in an abusive relationship, get help.  There are countless resources available.  Reach out, tell the secrets, build a support network.  Begin now.

*Although abusers may be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.

Copyright 2011, All Rights Reserved