By the time many abuse victims find my website, they are beaten 
down, emotionally exhausted and thoroughly confused. They wonder whether their situations are hopeless, what they should do, and where to begin.
To those of you to whom the above applies, I say:
Don’t give up. You have taken the first step by discovering the truth about abuse. There is a wealth of information and help available to begin the work necessary to do what you must to reclaim your value and your life. I, and many others like me, have escaped, survived and recovered. Every abuse victim has unique circumstances but, if you are willing, the journey toward recovery begins here. It begins now.
Stop doubting yourself. Call abuse what it is. You have probably denied what you have been living with for far too long.
Gather information. Get your hands on resources that will educate you on the truth about abusive relationships and the roles of abusers and enablers that will help you to acknowledge and identify abuse when it happens, and what to do when it occurs.
Tell your secrets. Spend some time with people you trust and tell them the truth about your relationship. You will be validated, and opening up will empower you as you assess the decisions and changes you may need to make in your life.
Develop a support network. Seek support from a counselor (preferably one knowledgeable in issues relating to abusive relationships), a pastor, an attorney, other abuse survivors, friends, family members and/or a women’s shelter. Let people know your needs and begin to develop a plan for separation (if it becomes necessary). If the abuser has threatened to harm you physically or financially, consider getting a legal separation or other legal protection, and develop options for safe alternative housing, financial, employment, child care, etc.
Stop talking and start doing. Pleading with your spouse or partner to stop hurting you hasn’t worked yet, has it? Demand change by changing. (Make the changes you must to take care of yourself recognizing that, although it would be nice to see your spouse change as a result, he may not.)
Don’t confuse compliance with change. If you separate, let time bear witness of legitimate, heartfelt change. Beware of magic words, buy-offs and hooks the abuser will almost certainly use to get you back into his domain.
Begin to rebuild your life and your sense of value. Stop basing your value on his assessment. He has convinced you that you are not worth loving, and you have been trying to convince him that you are. Know that if your relationship does not survive, you can still become who you want to be apart from him.
Above all, be safe. A verbal or emotional abuser may resort to physical control or violence if he feels his control is threatened. Take all necessary precautions, including keeping a record of threats, harassment, stalking or other actions that may indicate a risk to yourself or any children. Notify co-workers, friends and family members of such actions and promptly seek a restraining order if it is merited. In extreme cases, you may need to find living arrangements that are unknown to the abuser, change your phone number, notify your children’s school and provide a copy of a restraining order (should you obtain one), and inform co-workers or supervisors at your place of employment – for your safety and theirs.
And, finally, realize…
There is life beyond abuse. We enablers become obsessively caught up in his world, trying to earn love and quell his discontent. We put on an optimistic, cautious smile and pray that maybe today he’ll decide to love us only to discover that we are missing out on the lives we are meant to live.
Abuse is not normal. Healthy relationships are characterized by acceptance, respect, affection, joy, laughter, contentment, beauty, and peace. If your abuser won’t allow you to have those things, you need to go find them for yourself.
Copyright 2011, All Rights Reserved
For a more in-depth look at the abusive relationship, you may want to consider ordering, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” from the Books page.
very touching and inspiring post, its a great thing you are doing helping others and giving them the advice you are offering.. 🙂
You are doing your part too, I see. And by reaching out to others in similar situations, our past and our pain finds a purpose! Keep up the good work!
Thank you for visiting and sharing. You are doing your part, as well.
It helps us to help others and gives our pain a purpose.
I’m in a mentally abusive relationship I left then went back but this time he’s gone too far n I’m leaving I can’t take it! He made my son cry by taking his money and then told my daughter she got a F on something that she wanted to try n do which was my sons spelling words! These are not his kids and we are not married he has threatened me and my family and called me names I’m DONE
Hello, Kristine.
It is apparent that that man is unworthy of your time and attention, and you have done the courageous thing by standing up for your children and leaving him. I pray that you do not waver or buy into his empty apologies and promises. Abusers are good at talking us into coming back. I would urge you not to. Take a good, long time away from him, step back and see who he really is. If I can help or direct you, I hope you will let me know.
Be strong and be wise and don’t let him talk you into anything.
Cindy
I happened to stumble upon this article tonight while searching for answers on if my experiences were verbal emotional abuse even though I deep down inside know it is I just need the validation for my own head. I had this same thought tonight as well as many other times of “if only he just hit me, it would make this much easier for everyone on the outside to believe”. My story begins when I got pregnant with my daughter at a young age. Her biological father and I stayed together only for that relationship to escalate to ALL forms of abuse…..verbal, emotional, physical and sexual. That was at that point in my life the hardest thing to get out of but I did and I swore I would never let anyone ever make me feel like that again! I wasn’t a victim I was a survivor because if I didn’t get out I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be here today to tell my story. Involving the courts and jail time for him was how that ended! After a while I began dating again, met a nice guy but he moved out of state due to work and we decided to end it. I then met my now husband who was great at first, not always the best at emotional support or showing much empathy but none of the other red flags were there. I attributed his lack of any empathy to his career in healthcare since I too worked in healthcare I knew you have to almost desensitize yourself to be able to cope with the job. He lived about 45 min away and we got engaged after a year and I left the life I knew to be close to him because he couldn’t move too far from his job as a firefighter. I ended up loosing my job and that was the beginning of the end. He was nasty about it. I figured it was his upbringing or he wanted us to be able to save for our future so I just
put aside my stress and took the first job I came across. Then that became not enough, I wasn’t making enough money. This added more stress to find a job that would make a “sufficient amount” of money for his liking. Mind you he works two shifts a week and has five off……when his family made comments about how every other guy works another job on their 5 off he got another job but had to complain and throw in there the next time he saw them “are you happy, you complained long enough I went out and got another job”. The constant stress of is my income good enough for him has caused me constant stress that I have gone through so many positions over the last few years. When I’m in between jobs it gets worse, I hear things like this is your fault we can’t afford our bills, you’re lazy, I can’t stand you, I should have never put a ring on your finger, I’m going to divorce you if you don’t do this….., its my money not yours, give me your debit card don’t even think of spending any money I don’t care if you need gas, you no longer have any say and the list goes on! When I am working the constant stress of is this job making enough money for bills or to keep him happy I end up being such a mess because I am fearful of what he will say. Sometimes it’s not good enough for him and I have to come home to get a better job, you just want to mooch off of me. When that is so far from the case……when I met him I was completely independent working two jobs and going to school. I had my own place and spite having my daughter at a young age I never had government assistance I worked for what I had! The initial disappointment of loosing a job I enjoyed that was beyond my control and having no support from him started down the path I’m at now.
I feel like I am at a fork in the road, keep living like this and hating life or walk away. I have started telling close friends and family of the things that are said to me and even tonight he didn’t like something that happened so for 1.5 hours in the car I was screamed at and put down. He’s put me down in front of his family a few times and its getting worse and more frequent. He has even started saying negative things about me to my daughter. I was able to get about a half hour of voice recording while I was being screamed at tonight on my phone. If the situation permits I plan to do this more often as proof. I am plotting how to get out but this is much harder than going to the police and showing physical signs all my scars and bruises can’t be seen. Each day I feel like a little more of my former self dies and smiling is a task. After his outbursts of anger and nasty words I hear “I’m sorry” but the sorries aren’t making it better.
No matter what I say to him it doesn’t change how he thinks of me and its almost as if I am the enemy and we are at war with each other.
I may not check this page for a response but I know my email is listed so send me an email there. I am so lost and hurt I don’t even know where to turn, what to do and how to get out of this!
Dear Friend, I am so very sorry to read your story. I am in the process of moving and do not have much time at the moment. However, the short answer to your question is this: begin the work now to get away from him. If you have friends or family who will take you in until you can get on your feet, then accept their hospitality and get out. You need to know that he will not make it easy. If you haven’t already, read “Leaving an Abuser: What to Expect and How to Stay Grounded” on my website. Don’t believe his promises or tears… not for a minute.
You are not as lost as you think. You know this is abuse, that it is wrong and that you need to get away from him. That’s all you need to know at this point. You are welcome to e-mail me through my website, and I will do what I can to direct you. Or get a copy of my e-book, which we provide as inexpensively as possible, and get the information and affirmation you need quickly. One caveat: I no longer support couples counseling – a correction that will be made in my second edition (out soon). I will also be offering one-on-one telephone consultations for a fee after we get situated in our next home.
I hope you’ll keep in touch. Be wise and be strong. Educate yourself, protect yourself, don’t buy into his games. Get out as soon as you can.
Cindy
Scared. That is what is eating me now. That is what has made me kick him out. But the fear is awful. What if he comes back tonight drunk even though he knows he’s been kicked out? The only way to get assistance for more than two days/nights at a safe house here in the county I live in is to take a beating so the authorities can react at which point emergency assistance will kick in – until then I flounder, trying to keep my head above water for the sake of my children. I know I can take a beating as I have done so in the past but it doesnt pad the fear that it’s coming. Good to see on this website that so many have pulled through, I can make it too but I AM SCARED.
Hello, Margaret.
I would like to be able to assure you that you have nothing to fear, but that would not be true or helpful. Since you indicate that he has already been physically violent, I hope you have pursued or will pursue a restraining order against him. You should not have to take a beating… A restraining order at least puts him on notice that his behavior has been exposed and he is being watched and could be subject to other legal penalties and also alerts law enforcement of your risky situation. Nevertheless, many abusers are not deterred. Take every precaution. Call 911 (or the local emergency authorities where you live) as necessary.
Have you filed for a legal separation or divorce? Doing so also provides some legal protection in terms of a separation agreement and some financial protection. If the law where you are allows you to, change the locks on your doors and consider at a minimum getting a motion alarm (which can be obtained at most electronics stores for a minimal sum) to alert to someone trying to break in at the alarmed access point. I would suggest getting pepper spray or keeping another means of self-protection nearby. If you must and you can, you might also want to consider living with friends or family until things are more stable. Don’t be afraid to alert people you know and ask for help.
Yes, many of us do pull through, but it can be a long, difficult and scary process. I will not attempt to diminish it. Listen to your instincts. Take those precautions to prepare and protect yourself and your children if necessary.
Be wise. Be safe. And please keep me informed.
Cindy
What can I do when my abuser is my adult (27yr old) daughter? I have no clue how to handle this situation.
We do live together, but that’s no excuse for her abuse as she lays blame on living in the same house.
I answered all the questions and replaced “her” with “him” or “he” and almost all of my answers were “yes” and it’s sad.
Adult children do the same exact things that your mates/spouses do.
She laughs in my face when I tell her she is abusing me and I want it to stop. She blames me for everything. She even said this morning “you make me hate you”. That really hurt me.
I do everything she ask of me and more. I watch her 2 children, my grandchildren without pay or so much as a thank you while she and my son-in-law work.
She’s not violent, but has threatened to be.
I have searched and searched for help on this topic. Can anyone out there give me guidance on how to handle this situation? Please help me, I can’t take it much longer.
Hello, Wendy.
Although statistically, men outnumber women when it comes to being abusive, women are certainly not immune. It’s very sad that it is your daughter who is harming you.
Since you spend so much time with your grandchildren, I am guessing that you fear of forfeiting or harming your relationships with them should you stand up to your daughter. But, by not demanding better, you are unwittingly enabling your daughter and allowing the abuse to continue. You are obviously helping your daughter and son-in-law, yet your daughter exploits your graciousness.
Wendy, I believe you need to be willing to risk even your relationships with your grandchildren to stand up for what is right. It is not too much to ask to expect to be treated respectfully and with gratitude. Understand that your daughter will likely lash out at you and blame you for the way she treats you. You need not try to defend yourself. When your daughter becomes hostile, put your hand up and say, ‘Stop.’ Demand that she speak respectfully to you or leave. Period. Anything less should not be tolerated.
I know you will want to maintain your relationships and your time with your grandchildren, but your daughter must take responsibility for any change that must take place in that regard, if it becomes necessary. Let her and your son-in-law assume full responsibility for their children’s care, and pay for it if necessary. That might be the most painful aspect of this struggle. But, you are standing up for what is right – for your grandchildren’s sake as well as your own. You will be the one setting a positive example by reclaiming your value and demonstrating for your grandchildren what appropriate behavior looks like, and how you and they deserve to be treated.
Feel free to e-mail me through the contact form if you would like to “converse” further. Or respond here if you prefer.
I hope this is helpful.
Cindy
You must say “no more.”
I’m in an emotional abusive relationship, I’ve known for a while but it’s really getting out of hand he’s getting worse every day and I’m crying to him to give me one full day being nice and he says I’m to sensitive.. I answered yes to every single question in the assessment on the previous page, I just feel trapped because I’m pregnant with our second baby and I don’t have any one but my boyfriend no family and I live far from my friends.. Do you think it’s true that he just doesn’t love or respect me?
Hello, Kirsten.
Dear one, I pray that you look at all options and get away from him. Call a local shelter if you must to get yourself and your children to a safe place. If your friends will help you, then ask for help, even if it means moving away.
The fact that you are willing to admit to the abuse means that something is seriously wrong with your relationship.
Kirsten, abuse is not about power – domination and control. Your abuser wants you – on his terms. That is not love. An abuser will do anything to keep you but nothing to take care of you…
Please continue reading through some of the articles I have available on the website. Educate yourself and you will grow stronger. Please consider ordering my e-book “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” (second edition) which we sell for only $8.95. It will give you a foundational understanding of the abuse dynamic – what you need to understand about the abuser’s mentality, and the role you play in the dynamic, as well. You can read reviews on the website or at Amazon.com. It is also available for Kindle.
Please don’t dismiss your feelings or your experience. Instead, validate the truth about your life and do whatever you need to do to break free of the abuser. You don’t deserve to be abused. And you need to know that you cannot help, fix or change him. Abusers don’t want to be helped, fixed or changed. And also, should you leave, read, “Leaving an Abuser: What to Expect and How to Stay Grounded,” and “Checklist Blackmail.” Understand how the game is played so that you will not fall back into role-playing.
I hope you will let me know what you decide to do.
Be wise and be safe.
Cindy
I can’t live like this anymore!!
Hello, Donna.
I apologize for the delay in responding.
You are welcome to write to me through the Contact Cindy link on the website. You will need to provide me with more information so that I know how to direct you.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Cindy
Help me!
Thank you for a wonderful website I will be using a lot for the next few months. I am wondering if you have an online counseling and a specific way to have someone help me plan. I am in a physically abusive relationship. Unfortunately when I tried to leave about 3 years ago my husband was able to convince the local abuse shelter he was the one being abused and they refuse to help me. In addition he is friends we most of the local police force.Currently my husband has hurt me so badly I am unable to work. I did not need surgery but I will need two months of physical therapy. I would love to use that time to come up with a plan. He works out of town so is only home one day a week. I have been blessed with amazing friends who support me however I really do not want to be a burden to them. It would be best if I could do this on my own. I have one friend who really pushing me to get help. So if you have any counselors who are not local I could work with that would be great. Thanks
Hello, Rachel.
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Only today did I stumble on your comment. My sincerest apologies.
I am also very sorry to read of your situation. Although I don’t have a counselor reference system here, I do offer phone consultations (for a fee) if you are interested, and you are also welcome to e-mail me through the Contact Cindy link on the webpage.
To find a local counselor, I would encourage you to get a recommendation from a friend or family member. I would recommend a counselor who is not necessarily affiliated with a church, unless they are extremely knowledgeable with abuse and will not primarily encourage you to reconcile or encourage couples counseling (a bad idea where abuse is involved). Furthermore, if your local shelter will not help you but you have friends who will, even in the short-term, I would strongly encourage you to accept their offer. I know it is hard to humble ourselves and receive that kind of help, but you need a safe place to be, even if temporarily while you consider your options and begin the process of getting on your feet, and sometimes that is God’s way of providing.
I also encourage you to read, “Leaving An Abuser: What To Expect and How to Stay Grounded,” as well as “Checklist Blackmail,” on my website which will educate you on very common responses of abusers once their victims leave.
I hope this is a start and again apologize for the delay.
You are welcome to write me as you have need, and I will do what I can to direct you.
Cindy